Thoughts From A Tired Soul
- Thread starter Sandie33
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and, so it's happened ...
I haven't had the chance to regroup and rest. This past few days has been overwhelming.
Eleven people found me before 9am. Be it phone, text, or pinch me close.
I lost my self composure with all of them. Here is an example of me clapping my hands, saying enough is enough, and barking orders. I feel I sound like a mean mom.
Then, hours later I feel guilty and sad because I've hurt the feelings of the very people who are trying to be supportive.
I can win this game and I'm tired of playing today, tomorrow, next week.
After sitting down and resting with my eyes closed I realized I'm upset because of many reasons...but the deepest reason is I'm going to miss all the attention I have been getting the past few weeks from my excavator friend. He's been flirty and fun, and I'm going to miss that. I think I'll make time tomorrow to let him know that I appreciate all that flirty attention. It will carry me through the tough days that are coming.
I took Dad to his neurology appointment today. He has declined since three months ago the doc said. They are testing his thyroid functions, a blood test for Lupus and Cancer that's called erythrocyte SED rate. It all may be as simple as an infection somewhere but the neurologist wants a deeper picture of things.
I'm hoping it isn't anything serious.
I'm always hopeful...it's a curse, really.
I haven't had the chance to regroup and rest. This past few days has been overwhelming.
Eleven people found me before 9am. Be it phone, text, or pinch me close.
I lost my self composure with all of them. Here is an example of me clapping my hands, saying enough is enough, and barking orders. I feel I sound like a mean mom.
Then, hours later I feel guilty and sad because I've hurt the feelings of the very people who are trying to be supportive.
I can win this game and I'm tired of playing today, tomorrow, next week.
After sitting down and resting with my eyes closed I realized I'm upset because of many reasons...but the deepest reason is I'm going to miss all the attention I have been getting the past few weeks from my excavator friend. He's been flirty and fun, and I'm going to miss that. I think I'll make time tomorrow to let him know that I appreciate all that flirty attention. It will carry me through the tough days that are coming.
I took Dad to his neurology appointment today. He has declined since three months ago the doc said. They are testing his thyroid functions, a blood test for Lupus and Cancer that's called erythrocyte SED rate. It all may be as simple as an infection somewhere but the neurologist wants a deeper picture of things.
I'm hoping it isn't anything serious.
I'm always hopeful...it's a curse, really.
Better today. Thoughts, feelings and trajectory.
I reckon yesterday's outbursts hit their mark. It's pleasantly quiet this morning.
This was quitting time yesterday. In comparison to the picture above it's a huge difference.
When we walked Dad around before going to his appointment we saw minnows and crayfish scurrying and hurrying through the clearing water. I get sad with the impact such a large project puts on the ecosystem. However, safety is most important.
Momma Bear and her two cubs made their presence known last night around dusk. I think they may have been surprised at the new supper highway they have now. Things will fill back in over time. I have a gallon of mixed wildflower seed to toss about. It will be interesting to see their beauty if they sprout. Oh, and my teradactyl flew in for a bit too! I think it was having a buffet on the minnows and crayfish. 
The fellas were teasing me and calling it the Rio Grande. One said keep an eye out for illegals trying to swim across...they'll be happy to hear about the bears and the blue heron stopping by. ♡
I reckon yesterday's outbursts hit their mark. It's pleasantly quiet this morning.
This was quitting time yesterday. In comparison to the picture above it's a huge difference.
When we walked Dad around before going to his appointment we saw minnows and crayfish scurrying and hurrying through the clearing water. I get sad with the impact such a large project puts on the ecosystem. However, safety is most important.
Momma Bear and her two cubs made their presence known last night around dusk. I think they may have been surprised at the new supper highway they have now.
Things will fill back in over time. I have a gallon of mixed wildflower seed to toss about. It will be interesting to see their beauty if they sprout. Oh, and my teradactyl flew in for a bit too! I think it was having a buffet on the minnows and crayfish. The fellas were teasing me and calling it the Rio Grande. One said keep an eye out for illegals trying to swim across...they'll be happy to hear about the bears and the blue heron stopping by. ♡
MoonFlier
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Crawfish? Ick, yuck... no thank you.
The minnows will stick around, they're quick to move if they don't like a location.
That's looking like the perfect place for a beaver dam. They say that the areas around beaver dams help ward against global warming effects on our waterways by cooling the streams. I know, I know... but they're so darn cute as babies and you'd no longer need to hire people to take down trees.
The minnows will stick around, they're quick to move if they don't like a location.
That's looking like the perfect place for a beaver dam.
They say that the areas around beaver dams help ward against global warming effects on our waterways by cooling the streams. I know, I know... but they're so darn cute as babies and you'd no longer need to hire people to take down trees.They pinch at your toes when walking in the water. This was exactly what I did in all that mud. I let it dry right on my feet! Now my soles are soft and pretty pink
oh no! Yes, the babies are cute, but...
Down the creek about half a mile or so there is a huge beaver dam behind Dave's house. I'm saying huge as in it must be a full acre or more wide! They've been there for years. It's home to our blue heron, ducks and the past 4 or 5 years a dozen geese moved in. My neighbor Randy rid us of the fisher cats. His berry patch is where the bears like to go. We have quite a large shared wildlife, but Dave can keep the beavers, lol
Today was the final wrap up.
The new driveway.
Topsoil and straw are all filling the low spots. A mix of Canadian rye, Kentucky blue, and general mixed grass seed were sprinkled in the track marks and over the topsoil...100 pounds of grass seed...the blackbirds filled our lawn like a chicken herd, (Yes, I'm sure I know they are a flock, but...lol)
It's going to be a beautiful retreat. The crew will be back to demo the old shed and level off that spot with soil. The creek should hold for several years the way it's banked. He asked me lo leave him a 'hole' when Dept of Soil & Water come in to plant the trees. I explained we'll leave a big space that way he won't harm the trees when he does the demo job.
The tax increase isn't going to be a huge hit, but the assessor will show up within the next 3 years.
I'm working on a business plan. Dad won't go to day care so.........I may just open one. The nearest programs for functioning seniors is 18 miles, 36 miles, and 60+ miles in any direction. The devil is in the details...the money is a byproduct but $180 per day is the cheapest locally.
I'm all about making money, however seeing our older generation happy, that just lights me up!
The new driveway.
Topsoil and straw are all filling the low spots. A mix of Canadian rye, Kentucky blue, and general mixed grass seed were sprinkled in the track marks and over the topsoil...100 pounds of grass seed...the blackbirds filled our lawn like a chicken herd,
(Yes, I'm sure I know they are a flock, but...lol)It's going to be a beautiful retreat. The crew will be back to demo the old shed and level off that spot with soil. The creek should hold for several years the way it's banked. He asked me lo leave him a 'hole' when Dept of Soil & Water come in to plant the trees. I explained we'll leave a big space that way he won't harm the trees when he does the demo job.
The tax increase isn't going to be a huge hit, but the assessor will show up within the next 3 years.
I'm working on a business plan. Dad won't go to day care so.........I may just open one.
The nearest programs for functioning seniors is 18 miles, 36 miles, and 60+ miles in any direction. The devil is in the details...the money is a byproduct but $180 per day is the cheapest locally.
I'm all about making money, however seeing our older generation happy, that just lights me up!
It was quiet this morning...absurdly so.
I was surprised when my excavator friend said he was going to miss hanging out here working. I echoed his sentiment by telling him I would as well. I explained that the supportive conversation as well as the flirtatious banter was a welcome thing. That having he and his brother here changed the atmosphere of the house literally.
Dad having men folk to talk to really lifted his spirits. It seems today that he is missing the conversations as well.
Who knows what will become of it, my friend assured me he will be back soon. Telling me to text or call him. I'm going to as soon as I sleep on the demolition project a bit more. Right now we are tearing out carpets and replacing windows. Also the plumber needs to fix the spigots and garden hoses.
It would be a happy surprise if he did stop by for coffee one Saturday.
I was surprised when my excavator friend said he was going to miss hanging out here working. I echoed his sentiment by telling him I would as well. I explained that the supportive conversation as well as the flirtatious banter was a welcome thing. That having he and his brother here changed the atmosphere of the house literally.
Dad having men folk to talk to really lifted his spirits. It seems today that he is missing the conversations as well.
Who knows what will become of it, my friend assured me he will be back soon. Telling me to text or call him. I'm going to as soon as I sleep on the demolition project a bit more. Right now we are tearing out carpets and replacing windows. Also the plumber needs to fix the spigots and garden hoses.
It would be a happy surprise if he did stop by for coffee one Saturday.
just me
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It would be a happy surprise if he did stop by for coffee one Saturday.
With his excavator?
It's a mini excavator, but I'm sure it would still hold a lot of coffee
I don't know whether to pray or say thank you this morning. I just got off the phone with my mean sister and her daughter.
My sister had been in the hospital for a few weeks again. She was released to go back to the nursing home but refused. She was released to her home. It lasted two nights. She called the ambulance and was taken to the nearby hospital because the other one she was released from had no beds. Now she's waiting to go back to the university hospital where all this started.
The little hospital listened. She was tested for osteomyelitis. They are doing a bone biopsy later today.
The doctors suspect she has vertebral
osteomyelitis. This is the staph infection that started in her foot, caused them to remove her foot, and is believed to be in the hip where the Stage 4 bedsore is...now the doc is doing the biopsy because the infection has spread to her spine.
The mortality rate is high from this type of infection of the spine. Generally, surgical removal of the infected bone is the only option...she's not a candidate for this.
For now it's iv antibiotics.
I'm happy I've started our secret garden. It will give me a place to hide from the reality of my future. </3
*it's terrible timing as I make Mac salad for tomorrow's funeral
My sister had been in the hospital for a few weeks again. She was released to go back to the nursing home but refused. She was released to her home. It lasted two nights. She called the ambulance and was taken to the nearby hospital because the other one she was released from had no beds. Now she's waiting to go back to the university hospital where all this started.
The little hospital listened. She was tested for osteomyelitis. They are doing a bone biopsy later today.
The doctors suspect she has vertebral
osteomyelitis. This is the staph infection that started in her foot, caused them to remove her foot, and is believed to be in the hip where the Stage 4 bedsore is...now the doc is doing the biopsy because the infection has spread to her spine.
The mortality rate is high from this type of infection of the spine. Generally, surgical removal of the infected bone is the only option...she's not a candidate for this.
For now it's iv antibiotics.
I'm happy I've started our secret garden. It will give me a place to hide from the reality of my future. </3
*it's terrible timing as I make Mac salad for tomorrow's funeral
MoonFlier
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Oh boy. Your friend needs stops in for coffee and a chat this week.
Love that you've been flirting with him. Sounds like he's been reflecting that right back at you, or is it the other way around?
Very sorry to hear about the next chapter in your sister's life. She's fortunate to have family who care about her despite her harmful behavior. I understand she's not the type to recognize this out loud, but surely, in her heart, she knows.
Love that you've been flirting with him. Sounds like he's been reflecting that right back at you, or is it the other way around?
Very sorry to hear about the next chapter in your sister's life. She's fortunate to have family who care about her despite her harmful behavior. I understand she's not the type to recognize this out loud, but surely, in her heart, she knows.
My recruitment display.
Some of the items are The Four Pillars of the ALF, Veterans suicide hotline, why it's important to join our team, and the additional benefits of being a member of The American Legion Family.
I received many compliments on my story boards even though they look elementary to me...
However, it works to get my point across. My build your own baked potato and salad bar was a hit today. We didn't sell out, but we did break even. That is success in of itself.
In addition, we handed out a lot of information as-well-as new member applications. That was the underlying thing we had wanted to do...gather new recruites.
A win is a win all day long.
The feeling of being punished is pervasive. I've tried dodging it all day. Being that I believe in the things that I do, I can't get away from the emotional rollercoaster that comes with being a caregiver.
The incontinence is getting out of hand. Today Dad has started hiding that he's got a mess. I don't know how to reach him when he goes inside his mind like this.
I can't put him in memory care without the doctors signing off. The last two visits I all but begged them to put him in house for evaluation. They won't do it.
The appointments I have to take care of my health keep getting rescheduled to address Dad's every need. This is not only not healthy for me, but the unfairness of it all is grating me down like shivering almonds.
The past month's yard work was for him to have a safe place to exercise...he refused to get up until noon or after all week, gets up Sunday at 6:20 mean as tar, and has been insolent all day today after sleeping until 2:30 pm.
How do we find a routine in that. I'm resentful af because I can't get anything done around home with him in constant chaos ...
that chaos is the root cause of my upset.
I don't function well nor can I focus with it.
I've taken care of some terrible children over my life time, but Dad takes the cake as the worst child I've looked after.
He's tucked in, and I'm angry, hurt, upset, and all that adrenalin will take hours to dissipate so I can sleep.
This morning I was able to get a phone call and some paperwork done. It's looking like I'm going to use up the hours tonight to get more done.
I'm just exhausted. Saturday's event wore me out and with Dad's ugly disposition and crappy messes I can't recharge.
Not knowing where to ask for help when the medical staff won't listen is the toughest. I don't have the energy to dig in more. Left feeling incompetent at the lack of support only leaves me feeling punished.
There is an end to all things, I even say that no thing lasts forever, but this thing needs to find its end as death would be a blessing for me, and that scares me when I start thinking that way.
Me, who claims isn't afraid of anything is deathly afraid of the current way I'm feeling. I used to think it was a noble choice to be Dad's carer, now I believe it's the dumbest choice I've made yet in my life.
I resent getting a life sentence to punish me for a crime I'm sure I didn't commit.
The incontinence is getting out of hand. Today Dad has started hiding that he's got a mess. I don't know how to reach him when he goes inside his mind like this.
I can't put him in memory care without the doctors signing off. The last two visits I all but begged them to put him in house for evaluation. They won't do it.
The appointments I have to take care of my health keep getting rescheduled to address Dad's every need. This is not only not healthy for me, but the unfairness of it all is grating me down like shivering almonds.
The past month's yard work was for him to have a safe place to exercise...he refused to get up until noon or after all week, gets up Sunday at 6:20 mean as tar, and has been insolent all day today after sleeping until 2:30 pm.
How do we find a routine in that. I'm resentful af because I can't get anything done around home with him in constant chaos ...
that chaos is the root cause of my upset.
I don't function well nor can I focus with it.
I've taken care of some terrible children over my life time, but Dad takes the cake as the worst child I've looked after.
He's tucked in, and I'm angry, hurt, upset, and all that adrenalin will take hours to dissipate so I can sleep.
This morning I was able to get a phone call and some paperwork done. It's looking like I'm going to use up the hours tonight to get more done.
I'm just exhausted. Saturday's event wore me out and with Dad's ugly disposition and crappy messes I can't recharge.
Not knowing where to ask for help when the medical staff won't listen is the toughest. I don't have the energy to dig in more. Left feeling incompetent at the lack of support only leaves me feeling punished.
There is an end to all things, I even say that no thing lasts forever, but this thing needs to find its end as death would be a blessing for me, and that scares me when I start thinking that way.
Me, who claims isn't afraid of anything is deathly afraid of the current way I'm feeling. I used to think it was a noble choice to be Dad's carer, now I believe it's the dumbest choice I've made yet in my life.
I resent getting a life sentence to punish me for a crime I'm sure I didn't commit.
Well shoot.
Does anyone have any recipes for ham salad? or any other dishes that are easy to swallow for someone convinced he can't chew?
Dad has had the remainder of his teeth removed a week ago, doc said at Friday's visit he can eat anything he wants and foods to toughen up his gums so we can get dentures made for him ... he's completely reversed that in his head and is refusing food because he says the doc said he can't chew.
lol
Does anyone have any recipes for ham salad? or any other dishes that are easy to swallow for someone convinced he can't chew?
Dad has had the remainder of his teeth removed a week ago, doc said at Friday's visit he can eat anything he wants and foods to toughen up his gums so we can get dentures made for him ... he's completely reversed that in his head and is refusing food because he says the doc said he can't chew.