Thoughts From A Tired Soul

[John K]

In the sane way we can lead a horse to water, yet cannot make it drink, we can offer to listen to another, offer feedback and support, yet cannot expect them to help themselves reach a similar plain on which I rest.

There is some noise larger that calls me to act besides their constant chatter that only serves to wear me down rather than lift me up in validation.

Some call binding a witch's act...I say shoring up my boundaries so I can swim in my wellbeing is magic indeed!

It's good too to just sit on the bank and watch the river of life flow by. I do this more and more as I get older. It's one thing to call out with a bit of help as people go past on the current, but it's another thing to be dragged into the water and downstream with them. We are all finite and there's only so much of us to go round, isn't there? - some of the energy I've used never came back, perhaps the emotional equivalent of putting my back out?

 

[Sandie33]

We are all finite and there's only so much of us to go round, isn't there? - some of the energy I've used never came back, perhaps the emotional equivalent of putting my back out?

very true John.

Yes, I would agree with that equivalent.

 

[Sandie33]

 

[Sandie33]

shhhh ... Total Recall is on

 

[Sandie33]

Whew, mowed the grass before a torrential down pour hit.

 

[Sandie33]

Honestly, I cannot understand people right now.

I updated my profile picture in several places...

Spoiler: ...

That picture is me smiling at me.
I pasted it every where so that when I'm feeling sad, overwhelmed, frustrated, etc., I can look at me like a mirror and say, "You got this Girl!", the cheesy mfs,...

I don't have a conceited thought about myself at all. I used to look at myself and say gosh, you one ugly witch, lol
I used to let others opinions wear at my self worth.

Others still get mouthy with me when I tell them their opinion of me really is none of my business.

Self confidence goes hand-in-hand with a good sense of self worth and in turn builds a healthy self esteem.

Self-regard, self-worth, self- Anything in a healthy way is a direct road to happiness.

I do want others in my life, I do not want their sense of self-lacks disturbing my inner peace.

I need that peace to navigate my world and its responsibilities right now.

Yes, I am being selfish. I have to be, because asking others to please stop isn't working...demanding they stop isn't working.

Okay, so they think pouring more gas on an already raging fire is going to put me out ?!? Naw, self feels good when I look in my own eyes and say, "You got this Girl."

 

[Sandie33]

I borrowed stole this from over there. It says what I feel in a familial sense rather that relationship sense...
When one has had enough, it's apparent to walk away.

'I had a choice between making you happy and saving myself and finally, I chose myself.
I don’t think you ever really understood what it meant to love me the way I needed and that’s okay, we all meet people that aren’t meant for our forever.
You’ll always have a special place in my heart, but that’s where you belong, not in my life.
It was destroying me to try to save you from yourself and I never really was able to do that..nor was that ever my place to hold you to together.
If you couldn’t do it, there would never be a way that I could either.
Somewhere along the way, as our relationship was dying, it was slowly killing me too.
Trying to be everything for you was an impossible task and it was never fair to me.
I stopped trying to be happy and started living for your needs, wants and desires.
I loved you so much that I thought that would make everything better..
Only it did just the opposite.
The more I did, the more you expected.
I killed myself for us, and I wonder how if you ever really loved me at all.
Perhaps I was a love of convenience, need and situation, but it doesn’t really matter anymore.
It wasn’t just your fault the way things happened, it was mine for letting it happen.
But the farther we get, the nastier you got and more you demanded..
And that’s not love at all.
It’s many things, but not love..
So, I know you’ll never understand why I’m leaving and you’ll be angry for a long time, but then, you seem to stay angry these days.
I am walking away for me..my life,my happiness and my freedom.
I haven’t been happy in a long time, but that’s not your fault, it’s mine..
So I’m owning that and taking responsibility for my life..
And taking back my voice, my courage and finding my way again back to the person I used to be.
It’ll take time, tears and sleepless nights, but I’ll get there.
I learned a lot about love from us..but mostly what I would never be okay with again.
I know now just what I never want my life to be again, so I thank you for showing me that truth.
I don’t think I would have found it on my own.
I hope you find happiness and freedom from your rage, but most of all, I hope you find peace.
I know I will..
One day, one hope, one dream at a time,
I’ll get there.
And I can’t wait to open my eyes one day and smile..
Knowing that I’m happy with my life again.
I’ve got this.'

 

[Sandie33]

ilk.

What does ilk mean in slang?
");
Ilk is a certain type of person, usually a type you don't care for. The word is used in sentences like "I'm tired of you and your ilk! When you say "you and your ilk," you mean "you and everyone just like you." And that's not usually meant in a nice way.

 

[Sandie33]

Epithelioma
https://www.cancer.gov/publications/dictionaries/genetics-dictionary/def/sebaceous-epithelioma

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Epithelioma#:~:text=Epitheliomas can be benign growths,cell carcinoma (skin cancers).

We all should be sure to read and reread medical summaries.

Back in 2009, when this 'epithelial' word kept repeatedly popping up in my medical papers I asked an attending nurse on one of my endoscopic adventures what it meant. She said simple explanation is that I have skin cancer on the inside.

This still stumps me especially now that I have to go have this lump on my neck bone removed on the 13th.

Yes, Googleland has me jumping from rabbit hole to rabbit hole looking for answers. This nodule thing is right in the same spot as a lynthnode is.

I keep worrying, which I typically don't do, that what if these stomach tumors the doc keeps cutting out are connected to this new lump, that really isn't 'new' because I've been asking my GP about it for a few years when it was smaller. ???

The above really is not the issue.

The issue is catching the mood of those around me. Not a one here irl listens to me currently. I begin to say what's bothering me and they jump right in with making my situation about them and I then spend time, often hours, listening to their issues with no resolution to my own.

Perhaps it's just another niTi loopy thing because I can't shake this crap out of my head.

 

[MoonFlier]

Oiy. I hear you on the frustration and worries. When things all seem to be connected but others don't see it we want to scream to the world "Are you blind?!" Everything is connected. Of course it is.

While I'm a big believer in taking our own health into our own hands, please don't google too hard. Just place your faith and trust in the pros and know you've got a good team looking out for you.

Let that NiTi take a nap. Grab some iced tea or your favorite beverage and sit down by the brook. You've got this & we're here for you. Hey, bring us to that brook side with you, please?

 

[Sandie33]

Everything is connected. Of course it is.

Yes, yes it sure is. I appreciate you taking a moment to comment. Sometimes that is all it takes to snap me out of a funk.

Let that NiTi take a nap. Grab some iced tea or your favorite beverage and sit down by the brook. You've got this & we're here for you. Hey, bring us to that brook side with you, please?

Do you like raspberries? I've been hooked on raspberry iced tea this summer.

I appreciate this space and the individuals that take time out of their day to stop in for a talk. Many do not realize what an isolating job being a carer is.

I should get the pieces out and get working on the bench for down by the creek...finding time is the difficult piece

 

[Sandie33]

grrr, I've been watching the rocket launch prep...now they found a leak and Friday is probably earliest lift off. I have things to do Friday.

It's good to see the professionals are being cautious and overly so. I recall when the one blew up with all those souls aboard. </3

 

[MoonFlier]

Yes, yes it sure is. I appreciate you taking a moment to comment. Sometimes that is all it takes to snap me out of a funk.

Do you like raspberries? I've been hooked on raspberry iced tea this summer.

I appreciate this space and the individuals that take time out of their day to stop in for a talk. Many do not realize what an isolating job being a carer is.

I should get the pieces out and get working on the bench for down by the creek...finding time is the difficult piece

Raspberry iced tea has been my afternoon go-to for over a year now. Tried making my own, but it's just not the same as store bought. Do you make your own?

Love raspberries

Spoiler: or did you mean

Re: making that bench... might be a great activity to invite your friend over to help out with.
I was just going to pop open a couple of zip-dee chairs for us, but they might sink in the newly turned soil.

 

[Sandie33]

Do you make your own?

No, I buy Bigelow brand and use 2 bags per cup. I've frozen it like popsicles this year though lol.

Love raspberries

Me too! I drink white chocolate raspberry cocoa in the winter.

Re: making that bench... might be a great activity to invite your friend over to help out with.
I was just going to pop open a couple of zip-dee chairs for us, but they might sink in the newly turned soil.

What is a zip-dee chair?

Yeah, no, my new friend is quite busy with work.

...With all the chatter in town, I'm thinking keeping my head down is the best option. This way all the gossip has a chance to go away. For some reason when people get a fairly known name in their mouths they like to keep a story running even when there is no truth to the story being told.

 

[MoonFlier]

Small towns, everyone knows each other. Rumors abound. Ugh, not what you need right now, huh?

Sorry, folding chairs. Zip-Dee is the term I used for them growing up.

Spoiler: Zip-Dee Brand

 

[Sandie33]

Zip-Dee

Oh I see we used to have similar.

A fun note, I used to snag the frames from garbage dumpsters and macrame new seat and back in them and turn around and sell them $50 a chair, lol.

New Small towns, everyone knows each other. Rumors abound. Ugh, not what you need right now, huh?

Ecactly not what I need, and coming from those who do not know me just my name. It's frustrating.

 

[Sandie33]

This hit me straight in the feelers today ♡

It's like picking up that Hallmark card because I can't find the right words...It's also how I place myself in my Dad's mind to fortify my strength to continue to care for him here at home.

I'm a self-proclaimed tough pirate wench, however I would be terrified...or would I if mine was the mind field of dementia.
purple hearts are the shared heart of caregivers. ♡

Many won't take the moment to read through it...but then many have a difficult time understanding dementia unless it touches their own lives.

IT'S NOT AS EASY AS PEOPLE THINK.

Most people think of dementia as just becoming forgetful. Dementia is so much more. To understand what dementia really looks like, go on an imagination trip.

Imagine you wake up tomorrow morning and you are in a strange house, in a strange bed and there is someone in the house, you have never seen before. You know someone has stolen your wallet and your money.
Now, imagine you do not know where the bathroom is, how to get a glass of water and do not know if it is day or night. You see people coming through the windows, the floor on fire and wonder where your mom went and when she will be back, a mom that died over 50 years ago. You worry about your daughters and why they are not home from school yet, even though they are in their 40's and 50's.
Your body is so stiff and rigid that walking is difficult. You cannot see anything outside of a space the size of a shoebox and do not understand that by looking up, down or to the side, that you can see more. You get unbalanced and fall, but your muscles have weakened to the point you cannot move or lift yourself up. You cannot cut your toenails or wash your own feet. You have not showered or changed your clothes in days but in your mind, you just took a shower and put on clean clothes. You know you need to shave, but do not remember how or believe you use a comb as a razor.
You have things to say, but after 2 or 3 words, you forget what it was. You try to say a common word, but only gibberish comes out. No one understands you, so you just give up.
You have always been patient & kind to everyone, your spouse has never seen you lose your temper or say a harsh word. You have always put their needs above your own. Now, you curse at them, throw things, threaten them and others and tell them to get out of your house on a daily basis.
Your relationship with God was the most important part of your life. Now, you do not understand who God is, how to pray, or even want to go to church.
You loved to travel and go places, now you throw a fit if you are away from home for more than a few minutes.
You do not know the month, year, day, time or season. You do not know anyone around you and everyone and everything is strange.
Now imagine, you are not even aware of these changes taking place, but you are not allowed to drive anymore or even allowed to mow the yard. People stop coming to see you and talk to you like a child.
These are just a few things a dementia sufferer goes through on a daily basis. They are no longer the same person, but they still see themselves as the same and everything and everyone else has changed.
Dementia is so much more than just forgetfulness. There is no cure, you will never improve, your brain deteriorates to the point it no longer tells your body and organs what to do, so it shuts down and you will die within a few years.

So when you hear someone has dementia, think about what it really means, it is not just forgetting things.

 

[ErikAlberto]

Others still get mouthy with me when I tell them their opinion of me really is none of my business.

I do want others in my life, I do not want their sense of self-lacks disturbing my inner peace.

These lines really resonate with me. I, too, have come to think of gossip about me as “none of my business”, over time. I even expect others to gossip. I’m still way too affected by it, though. Maybe in time. It’s inspiring to hear about your struggle with others opinions and finding a way past it.

I updated my profile picture in several places...

That picture is me smiling at me.

Just thought I’d mention that when I saw your picture, I didn’t see so much a “tired soul” as I did a vibrant one!

I’ve enjoyed reading your blog and hearing your perspective on things. Cheers.

 

[Sandie33]

Maybe in time. It’s inspiring to hear about your struggle with others opinions and finding a way past it.

Oh my! It does my heart good to know I inspire others .

a vibrant one!

Thank you here. I've not seen myself as vibrant before. Being a soul struggling in an imperfect world is what causes that "Tired Soul" ,

I’ve enjoyed reading your blog and hearing your perspective on things. Cheers.

thanks, I post some loud stuff sometimes. This is my confidential space, lol.

 

[John K]

I'm a self-proclaimed tough pirate wench

You are a wonder Sandie. I don't think anyone really understands until they have to help someone close to them through the long hard years of chaotic loss.

I found this a few weeks ago - I've been saving it for you ....