Thoughts From A Tired Soul

I found this a few weeks ago - I've been saving it for you .... :smilingimp:
This was fantastic! Thanks for thinking of me John. I still swear I must have been a pirate lass in a past life, lol.

You are a wonder Sandie
Again, thank you...I spend way too much time wondering what I am exactly, lol :p
I recently read a lengthy astrology blurb about how a Pisces shares a bit of all the 11 other zodiac signs. That in summary, a Pisces' mission in life is to bring others 'back home'. I chuckled while reading it because I feel all that, yet instead of 'home' I keep bringing others to mutiny, rebellion, and such, :p
. I don't think anyone really understands until they have to help someone close to them through the long hard years of chaotic loss.
Yes, 'tis the truth right there.

Breaks my heart repeatedly to help my Dad navigate the mind field he currently wanders.

For example, we've had a week full of troubled-sleep and lucid dreaming nights here. I had allowed my older sister a video chat with Dad from her hospital room on Friday evening. Right after her intro of Hi Daddy, how are you he turned to me and asked who she was. :(

Of course her dagger pointed at me because she has a difficult time understanding that this is exactly why I asked her to stay in contact with him. During the call he barely said three sentences to her and got rather upset when he said he can't follow the conversation, hang up.

Moments like that cause me to wonder if I'm helping him or hurting him to facilitate his talking to family and friends when he has issues discerning who they even are. :( I've tried to explain he has times when he doesn't recognize me and asks when Sandie will be back.

These are repent by days like yesterday. Dad had a dentist appointment. We spent more than three hours getting him ready to get out the door. He doesn't like to go out anymore, and getting him motivated is doubly hard.

I managed to get him to the docs and he fell into a deep and snoring nap...
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The dentist said let him sleep. So the office staff and dental tech all had a 30ish minute coffee break while we giggled at Dad snoring.

It was heartfelt to have them all understand that he needed that. When I woke him up he was of course disoriented to where he was. However, he did well to get his impressions done. He laughed thinking it was over before it started, telling the tech that he has been having too many dreams.

I think he must feel like he's in an ever changing dream...and change is difficult for him before all this dementia nonsense. ;)
 
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Y'all going to be up late tonight for a talk?

I have my hands full with Dad.

He slept until 6:32 pm today. I'm fairly certain he will be up much of the night tonight.

Last night I had to play mean mom again and threaten an ambulance call. :(

I'm not sure what is going on in his mind at times when he gets up and down numerous times and setting the bed alarm off, him wandering around his room with his flashlight...6 volt square battery extreme lumens flashlight straight in my eyes and upside my head a few minutes before 3 am this morning. ouch :angry:

Of course I spent way too much time with ice on it replaying the survalience video so I can get a piece to show ...
who?

Who do I tell that the lump on my head is due to a wallop from Dad's flashlight?

I'd go straight to jail if I walked him in the head :tearsofjoy:

He had absolutely no clue it was me. After I wrestled the flashlight, his shoes, and the tissue box from him, he swore up and over again there were three guys that were trying to pull Sandie through the window.

oh boy.

Well I got him calmed down. I gave him the set of Play School plastic keys to hold and re-tucked him in like a lil chunky burrito back in his bed. All joking aside, he was sound asleep snoring in less than ten minutes. It works to baby tuck him because it fools him into thinking he can't get up...since his feet are tucked he thinks he can't, but really he can with a bit of effort.

Life is just frustrating at the moment, not to mention I have a eye blistering headache.

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I does sort of feel like this dummy :P
 
My mom dealt with that with my dad when he had stage 6 dementia. She didn't know what to do and my only help was "Mom, if you think you're not safe, get out of the house and call the police."

I'm going to say the same to you, because without you he has nothing. He doesn't know what he's doing, but without you he will be more lost than ever.

I'm not meaning to upset you, just keep you safe, do you feel he might get to anything that could hurt you worse than a flash light?

When my mom was falling into her own version of the disease I found her walking around at night holding a sharp kitchen knife like a serial killer. I asked her what she was doing to which she replied "opening the mail", but continued to aimlessly circle the house. At at that point all knives went on top of the fridge in a box as soon as she was not looking.

-------
Sleeping all day and up all night is a different problem, you should look into changing up his meds, see if they can't get him on a better schedule for you.

The memory care unit my mom is in was always complaining that she was up wandering about all night. We had a new doc look at her blood levels and issues - she had a UTI and low blood iron. when those were resolved she started sleeping more.
 
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I'm not meaning to upset you, just keep you safe, do you feel he might get to anything that could hurt you worse than a flash light?
You're not upsetting me;)
I appreciate that you care to keep me safe.

We have put up/locked up much of the 'weaponry'. Things like knives, letter openers, guns, metal or heavy objects, etc. I would have never thought he would crack me in the head with the flashlight. I'm stillnursing a headache today.

I found her walking around at night holding a sharp kitchen knife like a serial killer.
I can relate. Pains me to hear you have endured similar. With Dad it was a bone handled letter opener he abd a friend built together. Every once in a while he will ask me where it got to. Of course it's locked up, but he has no keys. This is why I have the plastic ones. When he gets to fussing about keys I give him those.

Sleeping all day and up all night is a different problem, you should look into changing up his meds, see if they can't get him on a better schedule for you.
Yes, the doc has done a home blood draw about 2-weeks ago yet I've not heard anything.
Meds delivery is tough with Dad. One day he's right on with taking all his doses, then I get a day like yesterday and he had blood pressure meds, one diabetic med, and his cholesterol. I gave him his prostrate medicine but he's supposed to take it early morning not 7pm. Doc says as long as there is 12 hours between BP and it medicine then he's OK. The lack of carbidopa levodopa for the Parkinson’s is really taking a toll. It will mess with his motor skills and he's already having movement issues.

It's becoming a constant fight to get him to cooperate. My excavator friend was here for coffee Saturday morning and we talked about Dad. His dad had Alzheimer’s and was placed in care in the end. There is a good home about 17 miles from me, (not exceptional like the $11K a month one my friends dad was in, but nice just the same), that Dad could go to. It would be close enough to get him up and tuck him in each day. However, I'm struggling with that part of letting him go.

I've been thinking about his recent combativeness. And, I've pulled all his cigarette lighters from him because he's flicking them. I can't have him setting the house in fire.

There is a lot to weigh in to put before the judge if I'm to place him and stay here.
 
You're not upsetting me;)
I appreciate that you care to keep me safe.

There is a lot to weigh in to put before the judge if I'm to place him and stay here.
We all care. Raising children is... well... child's play as compared to taking care of someone with cognitive deterioration. Make it a loved parent and it gets even harder. I have so much respect for anyone able to take on the task.

What are your state's rules on family who lives in the house keeping the house? Some states protect the property from being taken so long as you've been there over a certain amount of time (I think here it's like 3+ years).
 
Sounds like he's no longer always able to tell his dreams from reality @Sandie33 . That definitely happened to my father before he went into care. It eased off a lot once he was in care until a couple of years later - I think it was because he was worse when his routine wasn't precise, which sent his stress levels up. He was always much worse this way when he was tired than when he was well rested. They're all different, too, but I think a lot of it comes from fear deep down of what is happening to them. I noticed that the inevitable precise schedule of his care home was very good for him.

Take care of yourself, and don't take it personally if you can. I had to struggle with that, particularly in the heat of the moment when things were difficult.
 
What are your state's rules on family who lives in the house keeping the house? Some states protect the property from being taken so long as you've been there over a certain amount of time (I think here it's like 3+ years).
The house is in my name too so the state can't take it. There is a clause that protects a 'carer' regardless if a spouse or a child. The time for elder law here is 5 years, which is 2023. Because I've been here since 2014 assisting Dad, the 5-year rule was met.

The worry of moving on my conscience is that it's Dad's house, and if it needed to be sold to pay for his care my sense of integrity wins out.

Today one would not know he was doing all the behaviors. When the hired gal showed up he was his cheerful self. The one thing that is different between she and I are nursing scrubs. She wears scrubs each time she works here. We've discussed my buying some used scrub shirts at the label shopper here and see if my wearing them improves his behaviors.

Another issue is he often confuses me with my mean sister when I have to get bossy, lol.

A conundrum certainly.

I had the helper check my bump. A good bruise she says.
 
but I think a lot of it comes from fear deep down of what is happening to them. I noticed that the inevitable precise schedule of his care home was very good for him.
Yes, I'd agree that fear is a huge factor. Especially when they can't discern their environment.
The docs, aides and I are trying to keep him to a schedule, however, he flat out refuses for time spells, and then will snap out of it and want to be up at 6am. I don't know how to reach him on days he refuses.
Take care of yourself, and don't take it personally if you can. I had to struggle with that, particularly in the heat of the moment when things were difficult.
Yes, resentments accumulate. They say/do a thing then forget seconds later...yet we the carer are stuck sorting out our feelings attached to their words or actions.
 
Sandie: ten minutes early for Zoom meeting

Lightening strike: about 15 minutes before Sandie's Zoom meeting ends I hit the pole in front of the neighbors and caused all the lights and internet connections to die instantly. Still no service.

Sandie: WTF! Tries to reconnect via phone...meeting ended. Crap!

Me now...headed to bed...oh well, the presenter said there would be a follow-up email. :D
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:P
Seriously, this ^^^ would be me if I were a cat, :tearsofjoy:
 
I'm feeling accomplished today. I passed the Zoom training even though I was wacked off the internet.

My follow up email came with my new credentials and an apology from one of the instructors that thought she had ended our connection with me. I let her know that was not the case.

So now I'm thee membership guru for our Unit. I was gripping so much yesterday that while in the post office I gave my 5 minute elevator recruitment speech and landed a name and address for a new member.

Actually she asked if I was the secretary and I said yes for our county but membership coordinator for our Unit and I was looking for loyal minions. She laughed, said she wished she lived here and the door flew open for my recruitment pitch and when I explained she didn't need to be a resident to join our fun group...let's hope she says yes. I have 4 newbies toward my 10 person goal and if I get all 10 by April our Unit gets $250 from department. :D

So it's been a great couple of days on winning at personal goals...Dad is grumpy.

I called a group text of my helpers this morning. We are all on board for Friday morning to get Dad's room boxed up and in the shed. I have to clear it out to tear down his old queen bed and put up his new XL-twin adjustable with purple matress.:)

I have to buy the new bed yet, but with me having surgery Tuesday I wanted to get the heavy lifting done.

Next is convincing Dad the pack up is temporary...all of his hoard has to go. Folks with dementia are like squirrels. They stash and restash things continuously. I'm thinking he'll forget over time that we packed him up...I'm hoping actually.

The change will have him sqwaking for a few weeks, but over time I'm thinking he won't miss the stuff and I can sort it for the Demo project I'm planning in the spring.

I can only do so much as one person and there is so much to do. I'm greatful all the girls said yes for Friday.

The Demo project will give me access to get all the old, broken, unusable, garbage-type items gone for good. Getting all the cracks sealed, ceilings painted, and dusty-musty rugs tore out will not only make it more pleasant to look at around here, but perhaps help us be healthier too.

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:P
 
Studying today ....

'Understanding your profile numbers will allow you to understand these differences and accept how you express them into the world.

The lovely thing about your profile number is that they are determined by your sun gates. In other words it is exactly how you are supposed to shine and radiate your talents out into the universe for all to enjoy and benefit from.

The 2/4 Profile, sometimes referred to as the Hermit/Opportunist in Human Design terms is also fondly referred to as The Easy Breezy Genius.

Click More To Learn About Living Your Life By Design
About the 2/4:

There is an inherent tension between the 2 line that wants to be alone and self-absorb and the 4 line which is designed to share with their tribe and those around them.

This conflict is internal and to protect yourself it is safe to tell those close to you, you need to be alone for some time. Nothing is wrong, you just need your own space and company.

Mastery of the profile comes when you create a safe environment for yourself yet still push yourself to answer the right calls and invites. In other words it is perfectly ok to be alone but allow yourself to shine in front of others too, learn the delicate balance of the sides of you.

There can be an internal struggle between caring deeply (your 4 line) and not caring (your 2 line).

Can be very selective about the type of people they spend time with professionally and personally.

Exercise caution around your 4 line it can be prone to exhaustion and pushing too much.

Does not like the process of things, always looking for something new.

Can only see themselves through feedback, find it difficult to see themselves for who they are, they can only conclude this from others feedback. *Note for a projector this can be a difficult line to walk.

Constantly feeling a push and pull between a sense of wanting to be alone and wanting to be around or with people.

Seek feedback from others, ask them what your gifts are and what they believe you are good at.

2 lines are naturally gifted at something and you can't explain why you are good at something, it just comes to you with ease. Lean into this natural quality or skill it will yield magic for you.


This natural gift can be dormant inside of you waiting to be discovered; most likely it will be drawn out of you by your interactions with others. Once unlocked it can unleash unlimited potential within you.

Words to describe a 2/4:
  • Natural talent

  • Connection

  • Network

  • Selective

  • Protective of Sel

  • Solitude

  • Exhaustion

  • Friendly

  • Seeks newness

  • Alone time
The 2/4 Profile is what is called a Personal Karma in Human Design. This means that you are here on a more personal sometimes selfish life path meaning you do what you want in your life. You feel best when you are in your worth and you are working on your own purpose, being in your power doing your thing.'

'The 2 profile loves to retreat and be by themselves, this is their absorbing mode. They love to fully immerse themselves in the process and playtime of the natural talent.

It is important therefore that you prioritize this absorption mode. You allow yourself the time to be in that state rather than spending your time doing things you think you should be doing.

Things like thinking you should be sharing openly on social media when it doesn’t feel good to you to do so, or meeting with friends all the time when you are desiring to be on your own, or forcing yourself to do things for other people's satisfaction over your own are all the cause of frustration and conditioning in the life of a 2 profile. Putting others' desires before your own condition makes you think that your desires are not as important as others and this can frustrate your energetic blueprint.
If you have a 4 in your profile you have:

  • A natural gift for forming close relationships

  • Personal & professional opportunities come through the people you know

  • The quality of your life is determined by the quality of your relationships

  • A close network & are good at networking with those close to you

  • Not overly comfortable with networking with strangers like a 5 line is

  • Very friendly & endearing to those you are connected to
If you have a 4 line in your profile your relationships and connections are the most important thing in your life. Not only do they give you the emotional support you desire, they are the channel through which you experience prosperity both personally and professionally.

To really lean into your 4 line, while you innately love to share from you heart you are also cautious with whom you do share your heart with. For this reason it is very important that you surround yourself with people who make you feel like you do not need to explain yourself to. This will give you the sense of security you desire to share your heart intimately and vulnerably. When you feel safe to communicate from an open heart the support and intimacy you crave will gravitate to you naturally.

If you have a 4 line or indeed know someone with a 4 line in their profile, make sure you allow them feel seen and safe. Invite them to share from their open heart and watch them flourish. A 4 line is a beautiful gift in anyone´s life, nurture and care for the 4 lines you experience.'
 
Each time I've sat down to write I'm derailed ...

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It is much easier to just keep going instead of getting quagmired in repetitive stories.

I'm looking forward to the break the next few days will bring. Today is surgery day. I would be lying if I didn't say I was nervous. The anxiety is coming from not knowing when I can start lifting again. I have to get Dad's bed torn down and put the temporary twin up until his new bed arrives.

Then I'll be tearing out the bathroom rug. These poopy accidents will be much easier to mop up rather than try to clean a 30 yo carpet.
I get nervous about one of us getting really sick from Dad's incontinence. Now, with his constantly not knowing where the edges are or what room he's in, it's a crap shoot of cleaning. :tearsofjoy:

Sorry, not Sorry. I have to keep the humor in this or I'd go stark raving mad.

In all of my best laid plans fir my life I would have never penned in this chapter correctly. The view of chargeable days by the hour has made for great literary pages in my on-going book......we'll need 3 tractor trailers per book to haul it home from the publisher.......if it ever gets published. Finding time to write, draw, paint, sew, or any other stress relieving endeavor these days are hard won.

Last night I had to sit with Dad for a time until he went back to 'sleep' after waking from a dream. He's actually still sleeping yet wide awake in a memory/storyline from his past. Those are happening during the day now too. It's disturbing to watch him doze off in his kitchen chair, wake up, yet not be awake, and act out the dream. I follow along with him if it's not harmful.

On Friday our helper had to blow out his lighter, my sister took the cigarette, and Dad had a blooming fit .... all occurred at the kitchen table. So now, not only are all the knives locked up in the gun cabinet, but all the lighter stash, save my own, are in a bag and locked in there too.

He was waving around a butter knife on Sunday so I'm thinking I should put those up too maybe. Scissors have been hidden too.

I seriously do not know why he's arming himself other than in his mental state he must feel so scared that he believes he needs a weapon of some sort, and this why he whacked me in the head with the flashlight. I had to take his chair away that I put casters on because he started driving it around the kitchen like a wheel chair and when I'd try to take it away he'd use it on my knees like a battering ram. :(

If I'm going to continue to keep him home, I may need to hire a guard 24/7.

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;) still I won't let it get me down
 
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