Understand INFJ behavior and if he has feelings

lostENTP

lostENTP

Newbie
MBTI
ENFJ
Hi, I write here because I need to vent, I’ve been carrying something for a long time and feel frustrated, hurt, and defeated. I’m married for 15 years in an “average happy marriage” with its up and downs but quite good. I’m a clear ENTP, I’m super empathic, social, emotional, I love people, I love life, but also, I´m very emotionally intense and deep.

Two years ago, I change my job, and I knew someone that I now know is an INFJ. Little by little I started feeling more and more attached to this person, he was helpful, kind, sweet, I can't explain why I really feel so much attracted to him. I started to dream with him, to fantasize, I was not looking for anything, but then he was there, and is as if our souls suddenly connected. We have never talked explicitly about our feelings, but there is something inside of me, that tells me he feels the same….and he is also married.

The last time that we were together in a meeting there was electricity. Nobody never has looked at me the way he did, he barely speak, but he fixed his eyes and his gaze on me with an astonishing intensity, as if he wanted to read my soul as if he were reading it. I can't explain it but I feel like I've found my soulmate and I feel crazy. This time we had very close and friendly conversations, the connection between us was obvious. Since we first met I have the feeling I'm able to understand somehow the way he says things and see the extreme sensitivity and deep emotions behind them. And I truly believe he also notices it.

And now something happened, he cut all the communication, after almost two years of frequent mailing and video calls he suddenly closed the door. What makes me crazier is that I don’t know why he did that, maybe I did something unconsciously that hurt him. Maybe he decided to put me apart because he wants to cut his feelings. How can I know it?

I feel devastated, I know he, as an INFJ, will never leave his wife and will never let me destroy my family, he is too sensitive to allow us to produce so much pain around us. But I know he has feelings, I feel it in my gut, how is he able to cut all the communications suddenly and be this stone-cold? I just need to understand. Thank you for listening.
 
Thank you so much for your answer Asa. (one remark Im not an ENTP but a ENFP sorry for the mistake)
You are completely right, we will never be together, this is true, is the correct thing but why cutting completely the communication? I mean, is clear that we both enjoyed our talks and our emotional connection, which should probably just be platonic, which is fine for me, but why can't maintaining this emotional connection, just being friends, is impossible?
 
Greetings. While I understand this is a difficult emotional place to be in, he did the right thing.
I can think of several reasons why this happened so abruptly. It may be that his wife learned of his interest and communication with you and confronted him and the resolution was that he immediately stopped all communication.
Of course it could be that as was mentioned earlier, he simply did the right thing.
I'm sorry you're going through this I know it's painful
 
He chose his marriage. That's what people in love do. I would reflect as to why you didn't choose your marriage and if that's not a relationship you want to be in work on that. You are getting distracted by him when really there are deeper issues going on her namely that you're not happy in your marriage and you need to address that.
 
Thank you slant, really all of you guys are helping me a lot. Probably you are right I let my feelings flow cause there must be issues with my marriage....I also have been considering being polyamorous...what probably think is a bit stupid....but truly I sometimes have the feeling I´m in love with two people at the same time...

Apart from that, I'm a bit frustrated cause I would love to maintain this emotional connection with him, without necessarily going further, just be friends, I think we love working together, discussing, debating, sharing thoughts and reflections, but now everything is strictly professional, distant, direct and cold...and sadly I now know he will not allow going back to the place we were....
 
Makes me wonder if letting men and women work together isn't a double edged sword. It's great in $$$ terms, but it can cause personal turmoil and stress.

Anyhow, don't do anything your significant other would be uncomfortable with, if they were there with you.
 
lostENTP said:
Apart from that, I'm a bit frustrated cause I would love to maintain this emotional connection with him, without necessarily going further, just be friends, I think we love working together, discussing, debating, sharing thoughts and reflections, but now everything is strictly professional, distant, direct and cold...and sadly I now know he will not allow going back to the place we were....
Click to expand...

As an extrovert you crave that connection with others. INFJ's are incredible at pretending to be outgoing. We just pick up on the energy of others and bring it out in ourselves. It goes beyond that though, I've noticed we also tend to mimic other's feelings, sometimes confusing our own with theirs. He cannot stop that part of his personality and remaining "just friends" is dangerous if he is at all attracted to you and you're not putting up a wall.

And so he needed to put up that wall... hence the infamous INFJ door slam. It sounds like the right thing to do.

I'm so sorry you were hurt. The emotional distress comes through in what you've written. Really, I am so sorry.

PS - Same coin, opposite side, I've hurt many men this same way. They so desperately think they have a deep connection with me that it's going somewhere, and yet I just don't feel the same way. Sometimes it is nearly impossible to stay "just friends".
 
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FiftySeven said:
Seems he got overwhelmed by the connection between you, it was probably too much. A part of him is probably in love with you.
Click to expand...

INFJ's are in love or partly in love with everyone. Some people can not understand why I have empathy with sociopaths.

With that being said - INFJ's can be pretty messed up too.

Connection can become intoxicating without proper boundaries. For the emotionally depleted or unhealthy INFJ his or her motivations for connection may vary - on a scale from 1 to 10 - being selfish at best (in trying to fulfill his depletion) or even evil - whether the goal is to manipulate or dehumanize you as just another subject to be studied, analyzed and filed as "being figured out successfully" - there are many colors of motivation in between. INFJ's are not above playing ego motivated games.

It is always good to take a step back when there is a connection and reflect on your own motivation. Where do you want the connection to go to - what would be the natural end? Is that healthy?
 
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FiftySeven said:
Seems he got overwhelmed by the connection between you, it was probably too much. A part of him is probably in love with you.
Click to expand...

Yep .. probably tried real hard to keep it platonic and when he realised it wasn't going to happen, did the right thing .. I was in a similar situation .. and I wasn't even in a relationship. I broke things off - it wasn't a door slam though. That person is still very much on my mind to this day.

"Values over anything else" should be tattooed on my forehead :smile:
 
What need were you trying to meet / what need were you meeting through this relationship?

Never assume or guess what another person is thinking or feeling, especially in a situation like this, because you won’t be able to resist projecting, and you’ll be blind to it.

Why did he “close the door?” Until he tells you, that’s none of your business. Trying to figure out why only serves as a distraction from the self-work required to move on from this with a modicum of grace.

I’m ENFP and I’ve had experiences like that—the on switch, the flow, the buzz, the light with all that entails—and then darkness and a dead circuit. I get it, and I feel for you.

I’d like to say something about abundance philosophy, but instead I’ll ask this: why did you allow this to happen, this indulgence? That’s playing with the kind of hot fire that leads to a conflagration where an entire city block is immolated, and people die.

Oh, right—you had a need. If you cannot meet that need with the help of your husband, such that it would require you to willfully transgress, I think you would do well to do some serious introspection, and then have an honest conversation with your husband.

Inasmuch as you two are one, you brought your husband into this without his consent. That’s no small thing.

Well Wishes,
Ian
 
Sometimes we absorb so much around us that those boundaries aren’t that simple. I’d say take this time off for self reflection, as well. He definitely chose his marriage. Reflect on yours too.
 
Hi all, I really thank you all for this invaluable help. I also used this time to reflect on my feelings and I come to the conclusion that I also let my feelings flow, without controlling them. And that given this situation the best for both us and our families is to keep a strictly professional relationship. He probably came to this conclusion earlier than me, he is older than me and probably wiser... what he is trying to tell me with his silence is "come on we know we are attracted a lot but this will never end in something good for us". And he is right, and he´s been probably more mature than me...

As an ENFP I have to say that we (I think) are really bad at controlling and rationalizing our own feelings, we are dreamers, we idealize life and relationships and in general, we don't have "our feet on the ground" much.

This said I have to confess that part of me, the dreamer, the idealist, is hurt, part of me wants to maintain this connection...but now I realize that although it will be painful we need to build the wall, forever.

Thanks again all
 
This is so sad. I really feel for you. Life can be so hard when things like this happen. I wonder if in future humans will be more able and willing to not see all relationships as just 2 people. It’s a shame we can’t have more than one relationship, or am I being naive?

lostENTP said:
Hi, I write here because I need to vent, I’ve been carrying something for a long time and feel frustrated, hurt, and defeated. I’m married for 15 years in an “average happy marriage” with its up and downs but quite good. I’m a clear ENTP, I’m super empathic, social, emotional, I love people, I love life, but also, I´m very emotionally intense and deep.

Two years ago, I change my job, and I knew someone that I now know is an INFJ. Little by little I started feeling more and more attached to this person, he was helpful, kind, sweet, I can't explain why I really feel so much attracted to him. I started to dream with him, to fantasize, I was not looking for anything, but then he was there, and is as if our souls suddenly connected. We have never talked explicitly about our feelings, but there is something inside of me, that tells me he feels the same….and he is also married.

The last time that we were together in a meeting there was electricity. Nobody never has looked at me the way he did, he barely speak, but he fixed his eyes and his gaze on me with an astonishing intensity, as if he wanted to read my soul as if he were reading it. I can't explain it but I feel like I've found my soulmate and I feel crazy. This time we had very close and friendly conversations, the connection between us was obvious. Since we first met I have the feeling I'm able to understand somehow the way he says things and see the extreme sensitivity and deep emotions behind them. And I truly believe he also notices it.

And now something happened, he cut all the communication, after almost two years of frequent mailing and video calls he suddenly closed the door. What makes me crazier is that I don’t know why he did that, maybe I did something unconsciously that hurt him. Maybe he decided to put me apart because he wants to cut his feelings. How can I know it?

I feel devastated, I know he, as an INFJ, will never leave his wife and will never let me destroy my family, he is too sensitive to allow us to produce so much pain around us. But I know he has feelings, I feel it in my gut, how is he able to cut all the communications suddenly and be this stone-cold? I just need to understand. Thank you for listening.
Click to expand...
 
David Nelson said:
This is so sad. I really feel for you. Life can be so hard when things like this happen. I wonder if in future humans will be more able and willing to not see all relationships as just 2 people. It’s a shame we can’t have more than one relationship, or am I being naive?
Click to expand...

How do you define more than one relationship?
Polyamory vs monogamy?
How do you classify intimacy op? Is it physical or spiritual?
Again, please don’t hold onto shame.
 
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I don't have any strong ideas around this, but I do think it's a shame many relationships don't happen because of our socially accepted culture of monogamy. Outside of 'swinger' communities, a minor niche, I'm thinking even of relationships which may be purely platonic or mental/spiritual. I always felt monogamy was built on jealousy, a negative emotion.
 
I don't have either strong ideas on this, but I have to say that, is possible to be in love with one person and then feel a strong emotional attachment to another. The point is where is the limit? when you really cross the line from just a special friendship to an emotional relationship? and does this emotional relationship means cheating? where do you put the limits?

Anyway, I now have clear where I am and that I will never ever have anything with that person, and will be better for everybody around us. Being mature is knowing when to prioritize the needs of your loving ones from your own needs and desires.
 
I think the lines which were drawn in the past wrt relationships have been increasingly blurred in modern times for many reasons. If you know about the elites, they have always, in general, not felt the 'rules' applied to them, many cavorting in orgies or sequential lovers etc.. They do what they want but expect the 'ordinary folk' to follow the rules, no doubt to keep order for the elites' interests firstly. I have tended to think that a good deal of the demonisation of the working class is based on violence/theft crimes, but elite crimes are more financial and moral in terms of them being overpaid etc. It's utter hypocrisy. Most elites live sheltered lives where they don't need to face violence or danger like those living in deprived areas often do.

Ultimately, I suspect we all only need one really good intimate relationship, but maybe not? Maybe some prefer having serial lovers? It perhaps depends on the individual, but my intuition tells me that so many are stifled due to conventional thinking and fear of social disapproval. As a man I have heard there is/was? a culture in France of younger men taking older women as lovers to teach them, and this being culturally accepted by many. I personally would have loved this hehe. When I hear of a female teacher sleeping with a teen schoolboy, it is a crime, but I doubt the boy was ever negatively affected by that. He probably loved it, let's face it. The most I could think he would suffer is because the relationship ended.
 
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