Understanding infjs

[Ginny]

So instead of explaining what the reasons might be or basically your thoughts, u leave it hanging? Cause that q was asked over a week ago and still no definite answer or explanation

Because there are a myriad of explainations, and noone can actually give you an answer that is definite without knowing the person that gave you said anwer.

 

[Soff78]

Because there are a myriad of explainations, and noone can actually give you an answer that is definite without knowing the person that gave you said anwer.

I mean something like ,"lemme think about it" or "I might consider it but..."

I mean in general not for the person I'm talking about.

 

[Ginny]

I mean something like ,"lemme think about it" or "I might consider it but..."

Have you entertained the possiblity that going might actually only work under the condition that the information is given? That there is a plan?

 

[Soff78]

Have you entertained the possiblity that going might actually only work under the condition that the information is given? That there is a plan?

Yes, but I don't wanna assume anything. But also once we talked about the information, there was still no definite answer. However, my infj does tend to leave things hanging. For ex, I asked to clarify if we were meeting a certain day and I didn't get a response, the day passed and so then I assumed it was a no (I mean by that point, it's pretty much a no since I was ignored/never answered)

 

[Ginny]

Yes, but I don't wanna assume anything. But also once we talked about the information, there was still no definite answer. However, my infj does tend to leave things hanging. For ex, I asked to clarify if we were meeting a certain day and I didn't get a response, the day passed and so then I assumed it was a no (I mean by that point, it's pretty much a no since I was ignored/never answered)

I guess my Fe is too high to explain this without intimate knowledge. Unless you screwed it up because you applied too much pressure.

Apropos Fe... did you ask the way you say you asked? With those words?

And in general: how much do you know about the (dis)likes of your INFJ?

 

[Soff78]

I guess my Fe is too high to explain this without intimate knowledge. Unless you screwed it up because you applied too much pressure.

Apropos Fe... did you ask the way you say you asked? With those words?

And in general: how much do you know about the (dis)likes of your INFJ?

We talked about it a few months back and he said something "yeah but xxx" and when I recently asked, I said "are u going with me?" And he replied with "how much are the tickets" and we talked about the price for a bit then it died out. Bc I didn't wanna push him, I didn't ask again. I've only asked those 2 times.

I would say I know a bit, like I know he wouldn't dislike where the place is. Although the price is bit high, if that's the case, why not say "the price is higher than I wanna spend" or something along the lines of that

If he is considering, I would be willing to change things around so that price would be cheaper. But I don't wanna ask again or even bring it up cus I don't wanna seem pushy.

 

[Ginny]

We talked about it a few months back and he said something "yeah but xxx" and when I recently asked, I said "are u going with me?" And he replied with "how much are the tickets" and we talked about the price for a bit then it died out. Bc I didn't wanna push him, I didn't ask again. I've only asked those 2 times.

I would say I know a bit, like I know he wouldn't dislike where the place is. Although the price is bit high, if that's the case, why not say "the price is higher than I wanna spend" or something along the lines of that

I'd still say there is a lot lacking in specificity. I would want to know which movie if I were in his place because just asking about a place is too non-committal. But I am also very specific about which movies are worth watching in theatres, so it might just be me.

I'd say next time try to ask him about which movie he'd like to see.

He sounds like he hasn't got much experience with his Fe (as opposed to me, I feel obliged to give an honest answer out of a desire to be social; it doesn't mean he is not). It really depends on what kind of silent type he is. Can you describe his behaviour more thoroughly, as in body language, mimic, exact choice of words? Make me feel like I am there? Of course this would still depend on your perspective, so there would still be no definite answer, but it's a start.

 

[CleverKate]

We talked about it a few months back and he said something "yeah but xxx" and when I recently asked, I said "are u going with me?" And he replied with "how much are the tickets" and we talked about the price for a bit then it died out. Bc I didn't wanna push him, I didn't ask again. I've only asked those 2 times.

I would say I know a bit, like I know he wouldn't dislike where the place is. Although the price is bit high, if that's the case, why not say "the price is higher than I wanna spend" or something along the lines of that

If he is considering, I would be willing to change things around so that price would be cheaper. But I don't wanna ask again or even bring it up cus I don't wanna seem pushy.

Through Fe, INFJs seek harmony, we don't wanna rock the boat unless we have to or feel we need to. This means in social situations we consider "how do I get everyone's needs met?". Sometimes, though we forget we are included in that, and can go along with something because we feel it's expected, though we don't really want to. As I get older, I've gotten better at expressing my needs, wasn't always like that and I do still struggle today.

I think there may be something to the hesitation you are sensing. I can't tell you what it is though, since I don't know the person. It could be they don't want to go, so aren't responding, or there's is something about the situation they are still trying to work out in their head - even if they aren't aware they're doing it.

I can a long time to answer a question. I am guilty of not answering for a while, then coming back a few days later with a fully thought out response, or once I've worked through whatever is held me back.

Be direct, but gentle with him. You've been quite direct with us, so I know you can do it. I say this for two reasons, (1) he might need a little push, were not always aware people are waiting for an answer, and more importantly (2) you need closure on this issue/question, you are in this relationship too, it's not fair to you when you need a response, so express that, by being open and honest in a kind way.

 

[CleverKate]

Could you explain the function stacks??


When y'all go on ur "alone time," why is it normal to not respond for a long period of time instead of saying "I'm busy"?

Because we need quiet, and speaking would break the silence.

Also it would require energy we may not have to give at the moment. If I'm going to ask for alone time, I'll feel the to explain, and that can feel taxing. I never noticed I did this until my husband mentioned it. He used to think I was mad at him, but said over time he figured it out.

The cognitive function stack provides deeper insight into the personality type, and is quite helpful in understanding what's going behind the curtain, so to speak. There are entire books written on this stuff, but here are some helpful links:

ENFP: http://www.typeinmind.com/nefi/
INFJ: http://www.typeinmind.com/nife/

 

[heiots]

A "no" would be fine but why not just say it instead?

So instead of explaining what the reasons might be or basically your thoughts, u leave it hanging? Cause that q was asked over a week ago and still no definite answer or explanation

It wasn't exactly a movie q. It was for an event at a future date

That's the thing. I have friends asking me to hang out on certain dates, events that are upcoming within these two weeks, and I haven't replied them. I know I should give a definite answer, but I have conflicting desires - part of me wants to hang out with them (know I should probably hang out with them) but part of me just wants to stay where I am now and not see people. It's easy for me to schedule one or two engagements with friends per month and not want more than that. For me, without tact, my personal reasons would be, "I don't want to hang out right now or make the effort to socialize." Which is a little too brutal for me to say, so I tend to delay my replies in hopes that it will pass or perhaps maybe I would feel like emerging from my shell that week and reply with a yes instead of a "No, I don't want to see you."

So, why don't I say no? Partly because I want to, yet I also don't want to. It's often a case of "I don't feel like socializing, but I probably should," and "should" is usually not the best motivation to meet people. Partly because I hate rejecting people, so I just don't. I don't reply; I don't do anything about it.

Again, this is from my perspective. But if your INFJ really wants to go (if he's made a decision and puts his mind to it), you can be sure that's what he'll do. If he's hemming and hawing, then maybe you should consider he may not be all that enthusiastic about it. Or just ask him if there's another event he'd like to attend or if he just wants to chill at a cafe with a cup of coffee, etc. I don't know. But if you've asked twice, and he still hasn't given a reply...

 

[Soff78]

Because we need quiet, and speaking would break the silence.

Also it would require energy we may not have to give at the moment. If I'm going to ask for alone time, I'll feel the to explain, and that can feel taxing. I never noticed I did this until my husband mentioned it. He used to think I was mad at him, but said over time he figured it out.

The cognitive function stack provides deeper insight into the personality type, and is quite helpful in understanding what's going behind the curtain, so to speak. There are entire books written on this stuff, but here are some helpful links:

ENFP: http://www.typeinmind.com/nefi/
INFJ: http://www.typeinmind.com/nife/

Thank you so much!!! Those links were a great read and gave some explanation to what I was looking for!

I always thought it was something I did as well lol

 

[Soff78]

That's the thing. I have friends asking me to hang out on certain dates, events that are upcoming within these two weeks, and I haven't replied them. I know I should give a definite answer, but I have conflicting desires - part of me wants to hang out with them (know I should probably hang out with them) but part of me just wants to stay where I am now and not see people. It's easy for me to schedule one or two engagements with friends per month and not want more than that. For me, without tact, my personal reasons would be, "I don't want to hang out right now or make the effort to socialize." Which is a little too brutal for me to say, so I tend to delay my replies in hopes that it will pass or perhaps maybe I would feel like emerging from my shell that week and reply with a yes instead of a "No, I don't want to see you."

So, why don't I say no? Partly because I want to, yet I also don't want to. It's often a case of "I don't feel like socializing, but I probably should," and "should" is usually not the best motivation to meet people. Partly because I hate rejecting people, so I just don't. I don't reply; I don't do anything about it.

Again, this is from my perspective. But if your INFJ really wants to go (if he's made a decision and puts his mind to it), you can be sure that's what he'll do. If he's hemming and hawing, then maybe you should consider he may not be all that enthusiastic about it. Or just ask him if there's another event he'd like to attend or if he just wants to chill at a cafe with a cup of coffee, etc. I don't know. But if you've asked twice, and he still hasn't given a reply...

Thank you for explaining it from ur pov! That helps to understand better the thought process.

 

[CleverKate]

Thank you so much!!! Those links were a great read and gave some explanation to what I was looking for!

I always thought it was something I did as well lol

You're welcome. I'm glad it helped.

 

[Sandie33]

I sincerely think many of the answers to your questions are in the function stack of the INFJ. (Ni-Fe-Ti-Se). It's a stack with many potential paradoxes hiding within it.

To elaborate on this thought...early childhood development and environmental influences create many of those paradoxes. children very much learn what they live, and the INFJ is ancient from birth.