Volatile relationships and when to say good-bye

[thirdhalf]

I have tried to avoid becoming attached in volatile relationships since I was old enough to realize what they were but each time I found myself in one was very painful. I finally gave up on a drug addicted/alcoholic best friend but it took many years and a lot of pain and betrayal. The last one was with my mother. I know in retrospect I should have done it myself sooner but she herself broke off the relationship, so I guess I would say I never quite know when to say when and if I love someone, I put up with a lot of horrible stuff before I throw in the towel.

The drug addicted and the alcoholics are the real difficult ones for me, so much desire to help/nurture/love from me and so much pain in return as payment. Then if there is any codependency and enabling going on its like falling into a black hole. I don't think I will ever do that again, there is just nothing in it for me except pain. I am very glad that I no interest for drugs or alcohol because I could not fathom the torture it would be for me to know first hand the depths of despair I am putting somebody else through.

 

[SpecialEdition]

Sometimes when we have made a strong connection with another person, it’s very difficult to let go of that, regardless of how negatively chaotic the relationship can be. We all can find this in friendships, familial relationships, as well as romantic relationships.

For myself, I have encountered this problem in all those areas. I often found that letting go was not only difficult, but nigh impossible for me. It is quite a struggle for me to come to the inevitable decision to sever contact entirely. I have an extreme amount of patience and leeway for those that I love, but often feel that this is taken advantage of. Unfortunately, once the ties that bind are cut, they rarely can be restored for me.

Just recently, I cut ties with someone who was a very close friend to me for 20 years. I was told “But everyone deserves a second chance.” My only reply was that I had given hundreds of chances, and each time they had taken it for granted.

When is enough simply enough? As INFJ’s, would you agree that we do tend to hold on longer than we should? I’d like to explore others experiences and view points on this subject, let’s discuss.

It's enough when you say it's enough. Toxic people will always get more out of the transaction than you will. There is absolutely nothing that a toxic relationship can bring to your life that is good. If there is anything that I could drill into people's heads it is that you cannot stay in a relationship of ANY sort based on the fantasy that a person can change. You are not in a relationship with a better version of their future self that may never materialize... you are in a relationship with a person who is happy to take from you until you have nothing left and then still try to squeeze the last bit of humanity out of you.

It's not that all these people are malicious exactly but they are very adept at forming relationships with people who are not willing to set boundaries and cut them off. Not that I am victim blaming but we are all responsible for deciding when something in our life is making our lives worse, whether that's a job, a living situation, a person, etc. It's up to you to identify whether or not this person is bringing any value what so ever to your life or if you are only bringing value to theirs. If that's the case you can either try to re-set the balance or you can tap the fuck out.

I always wonder what makes people so afraid to let go of people who only bring them harm. What is the absolute worst that is going to happen? Whatever the fallout it cannot possibly be worse than letting your life go to waste by giving all of your energy and resources to people who are only going to abuse your kindness and generosity.

 

[thirdhalf]

I always wonder what makes people so afraid to let go of people who only bring them harm. What is the absolute worst that is going to happen? Whatever the fallout it cannot possibly be worse than letting your life go to waste by giving all of your energy and resources to people who are only going to abuse your kindness and generosity.

Fear of the unknown. What you don't know might very well be worse then what you do know.

 

[SpecialEdition]

Fear of the unknown. What you don't know might very well be worse then what you do know.

I think that's bullshit.

 

[thirdhalf]

I think that's bullshit.

To you it is. But to some it is a very real thing. Most fears are bullshit anyways but calling it for what they are doesn't make the fear disappear.

 

[SpecialEdition]

To you it is. But to some it is a very real thing. Most fears are bullshit anyways but calling it for what they are doesn't make the fear disappear.

I lived it in my own life.

What's bullshit about it is how so many people (including a earlier version of myself) got locked into it. As if it could be any worse.

 

[thirdhalf]

I lived it in my own life.

What's bullshit about it is how so many people (including a earlier version of myself) got locked into it. As if it could be any worse.

So did I. And to that bullshit I will agree.

 

[Free]

The drug addicted and the alcoholics are the real difficult ones for me, so much desire to help/nurture/love from me and so much pain in return as payment. Then if there is any codependency and enabling going on its like falling into a black hole. I don't think I will ever do that again, there is just nothing in it for me except pain. I am very glad that I no interest for drugs or alcohol because I could not fathom the torture it would be for me to know first hand the depths of despair I am putting somebody else through.

I can absolutely relate to this. The person was my sister, and cutting familial ties with her after years and years of trying to help was probably the hardest and the best thing I could ever have done. As a nurse, I understand addiction better than some, but because it was my sister, I was blinded with false hope. Once I finally accepted the fact that no one could help her unless she wanted to help herself, it was easier to let go, and a weight was lifted from me.

It's enough when you say it's enough. Toxic people will always get more out of the transaction than you will. There is absolutely nothing that a toxic relationship can bring to your life that is good. If there is anything that I could drill into people's heads it is that you cannot stay in a relationship of ANY sort based on the fantasy that a person can change. You are not in a relationship with a better version of their future self that may never materialize... you are in a relationship with a person who is happy to take from you until you have nothing left and then still try to squeeze the last bit of humanity out of you.

It's not that all these people are malicious exactly but they are very adept at forming relationships with people who are not willing to set boundaries and cut them off. Not that I am victim blaming but we are all responsible for deciding when something in our life is making our lives worse, whether that's a job, a living situation, a person, etc. It's up to you to identify whether or not this person is bringing any value what so ever to your life or if you are only bringing value to theirs. If that's the case you can either try to re-set the balance or you can tap the fuck out.

I always wonder what makes people so afraid to let go of people who only bring them harm. What is the absolute worst that is going to happen? Whatever the fallout it cannot possibly be worse than letting your life go to waste by giving all of your energy and resources to people who are only going to abuse your kindness and generosity.

I completely agree with you. I seem to be much more assertive when it comes to romantic relationships and wish that this quality could have trickled into my familial relationships and friendships.

The person in question in regards to this thread was a friend for over 20 years. We were teens together, grew up together, and finally made our way into adulthood together. For me, it wasn't the fear of the unknown or the uncertainty of the future, it wasn't even to do with hurting her feelings either. It was the loyalty that had been built between us over two decades that made it so very difficult.

I think I was holding onto the past, to the memory of who she used to be as well as myself. Once I was ready to let 'the idea' of her go, it was much easier. I finally came to terms with the fact that there was nothing positive in our friendship any longer. I will always have our memories and the joys and sorrows that we nursed each other through, and will forever be thankful she was there for me as I was for her. But I have also accepted that our friendship just doesn't work as adults, and never will. We aren't kids any longer, and it's time to for her to face that and grow up.