[INFJ] What did you learned from each failed relationship?

Life is a collection of fleeting moments. The moment you live in is already past. The past remains in your memories which is completely upon you as to how much you want to retain or let go. Everybody has their own aspirations and things can turn sore. Try your best to positively reinforce in a relationship but don't try to forcefully hold on to people.
 
Artemisia said:
They say that every relationship, whether successful or not, teaches you a lot about yourself. So what were the main lessons (good and bad) you learned from each failed dating relationship (assuming you've had a few that lasted from a couple of months to years). I'll start.

Guy #1: Got my drive to be an academic (and topic of my PhD) from being around him. Learned to publish my work ASAP. Also learned that fake people (him) are dangerous.
Guy #2: Academics are not necessarily to be respected. Learned to write and edit properly from him. Learned to not bother with men who are seeing another woman occasionally.
Guy #3: That it is not my fault he could not get it up. We could still be friends.
Guy #4: Don't get involved with a narcissist who says from the beginning he is not good at relationships. Became more athletic due to him
Guy #5: Neediness is unattractive. Men who want to be taken care of not for me.
Guy #6: Listen to instincts when they are telling you that a guy is crazy (he is schizophrenic apparently). Avoidant personalities come on strong initially.
Guy #7: Younger guys can be more mature sometimes; learned about spirituality and to love and work on myself more.

Now it's your turn. I should note that this probably works best when the poster is over 30 and has had some dating and life experience under his/her belt.
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Ugh if only I could even remember all people who loved me.

Boy#1: It is assumed that it can be said that "open communication and fearlessness lead to a better outcome."
Girl#2: Sometimes walking under one umbrella despite the fact that you have a second one is actually normal.
Guy#3: I should stay away of men.
Guy#4: I will never return my trust to the opposite gender. Now they are afraid of me.
Girl#5: I found out that i'm aroace. All my detachment was because of this. Because my attachment type is...relaxedly involved.
Friendship is better than love.
 
In no particular order:
  • If someone makes you feel uncomfortable, that is probably not a sign that you are judgmental and need to be more open minded, and more likely a sign that you should not get in a relationship with this person.
  • Regard love bombing with suspicion.
  • Regard identity-based generalizations with suspicion.
  • There really is such a thing as "picking fights" and "playing mind games" and you aren't required to participate.
  • There are some people who were raised to think that "fighting is inevitable" in relationships. This is not true: disagreements are inevitable, but fights are not. Pointing out this fact does not amount to a denial of their lived experience, traumatic childhood, etc. You can support them through those things, but you are not the person who hurt them and don't have to play that role.
  • Casual sex is fun, but trust and emotional vulnerability really do make for better sex.
 
If the intention is to explore the potential for a long-term-relationship, on date #1 discuss libido, sexual valence, arousal style, needs, and boundaries.

I know, on date #1?
  • don’t want to waste anyone’s time
  • don’t want to discover a mismatch after emotional attachment
  • if person is unwilling or unable, perfect disqualifier of unsuitable partner
  • said qualities cannot be managed or figured out later, nor compromised
That doesn’t mean one has to do anything right away, but if ya’ wanna, good on ya’.

But if not, it’s like peeling back your wrapping and retaping, so you both can expect to have a splendid future Xmas morning.

Even to me, this sounds brash, but I tried it many other ways, so fly the L.

Pragmatism is damned sexy, don’tcha know?

Cheers,
Ian
 
ThomasJ79 said:
emotionally unavailable women will smush your heart into a pulsating meat pudding
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What I have learned from this is the importance of knowing the difference between unconditional love and boundaries. unconditional love does not mean you have to stay in a relationship with that person if they aren’t able to meet you in the spaces where love grows. Also looking at my ego and accepting that they just aren’t as into true love and/or true love with me. I had to learn to walk away. It is better for both of us in the end.
 
Before I met my wife I only really had two long-term relationships, but each was a tumultuous tapestry with many good memories woven together with some really challenging moments. I don't really regret anything, as things would undoubtedly have unfolded in some different manner otherwise.

Girl#1 taught me that obstacles in relationships can almost always be overcome when both participants are actively working towards overcoming them, but are seldom ever overcome when either one person or the other is - regardless of how much effort that individual applies. I also learned that I place a great deal more value in loyalty than I think most others do, and that doing what's best is often painful but necessary.

Girl#2 showed me that for some people no amount of attention or sacrifice will ever amount to enough. That was nearly 20 years ago and there are occasionally days where I'm still keenly aware of the scars left behind from those days - to the point that I occasionally have dreams about her, in the frame of which I am almost always pursuing her and also in which she is very clearly uninterested. I look at the demise of that relationship as a bit of a shame because I always felt we were very closely aligned. But there were red flags early on and I reckon I also learned to pay closer attention to those. I learned so much from her about dignity, self-respect, and how much I would rather hear ugly truths than pretty lies - but only in the aftermath.
 
What I learned is that:
- I lowered my requirements (standards) because of low self esteem
- I must check personality and compatibility in depth, if i really care about myself and the future relationship
 
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