Hi all,
I'm an old fart compared to most of you and have been married 3 times, so I can tell you from my POV what is not important, even though I thought it was when I was your age and first got married at age 23, and what really IS important, from the POV of what has made my current 25 year long marriage so good. These are just my opinions, so you can take what you want and leave the rest. I am not a romantic. I have what shrinks call an "extreme realist personality type".
Some of this may shock you. It would have shocked me at your age, but maybe you are all a lot more savvy than I was. Having the same political beliefs is not important. Having the same hobbies and free time activities is not important. Looks are only important in that you should not be with someone who has a physical charcteristic that really turns you off. We all end up looking like shriveled, gray old prunes in the end, so if you want it to last, don't make this such a big deal. At your age, sexual compatibility as far as sexual style and frequency is very important, but that will fade to zilch with age and hormones, and other, more mature societies understand these stages of life. Sex is the lowest form of intimacy, not the highest. It is the carrot dangled in front of you to get you to put up with someone long enough to start developing REAL intimacy. Shallow Americans don't get this and try to stay 20 forever. Viva Viagra (not).
IMO, very few people should get married before age 25. Why? The brain of a 20 year old is closer to the brain of a 5 year old than to the brain of a 25 year old! I remember being 20 and thinking I knew everything. By age 30 I realized I didn't know a damn thing. The brain stops changing significantly around age 25. You don't really know who you are before that and are busy finding out by experimenting on other people, with sometimes painful results.
What does matter. Number one is absolutely common values, with lifestyle a close second. If you love family time, it won't work to marry someone who is not close to family. A slob and a neatnik will be at each other constantly. An athiest will not be happy with a believer. An extrovert will not be happy with an introvert. People who think intuition is "woo-woo" will not be happy with an INFJ!
How you handle money is super important. A spendthrift and a tightwad should not waste their time. It will never work. Ditto for someone who wants kids and someone who doesn't. I'm amazed how many people I see not even talking about these things before getting married. Different religions can be problematic, esp. if your parents are rigid. Americans like to pretend we have no economic classes, but it's not true, and it matters, a lot. Unless you are a gold-digger, willing to sell your soul for money, and I would be surprised to find an INFJ who would do that, unless he or she is a sociopath, marrying into a very different economic class from the one you grew up in can cause major problems. Take it from one who found out the hard way. Just try splitting payment of household bills 50/50 when your idea of a needless luxury is his idea of a basic need.
Don't marry someone you can't talk to on your level. This will make you feel lonelier than being single. If you are smart, stick with smart, even if he or she can't be manipulated into doing what you want all the time because of it (grin).
If you are emotional and sensitive, don't try to make up for your vulnerable feelings in this hard, cold world by marrying the opposite type. Again, I speak from experience. You will never feel more alone than when you are crying your eyes out after a sad movie, and he says "it's only a movie for chrissakes, what is the matter with you?" It is far better to have a man who cries along with you. You will feel understood at the deepest level.
Every study ever done shows the more alike you are, the better your chances of staying married. Opposites may attract and be much more exciting when you're young and playing around, but they take way too much energy and cause way too many arguments when you are older and have work, and a house and kids to take care of.
Once you decide you are ready to play for keeps, don't waste any more time on someone, once you know for sure you would not marry that person. Cut your losses and open up that space in your life for the right type to come in. I really wish someone had told me this when I was your age.
I hope I didn't come off like too much of a lecturing parent type. It just makes me sad to see others run out of emotional resilience at a young age like I did. I probably could have summed this up in one sentence. My current marriage has worked for 25 yrs. because I married someone almost exactly like me.
klutzo
