What is a normal amount of jealousy or control in a relationship?

Professor Snep said:
giphy.gif


It could be assumed that by writing between brackets you already think that's a bit over the top.


So what did you do that you are so unworthy of this fella's trust?


Doesn't matter. What do you think about it? Do you think it makes sense, or that it's complete bogus?
Click to expand...

Are you trying to say I’m a whore for that? It wasn’t even a date, but I was going out with a student who was moving back overseas. For your information I am a virgin, and simply want to get married and have children in the near future, and I’ve been waiting for my bf who moved back over seas for 2 years.

He never trusted me to begin with, before I ever did anything. Being so rude and assuming things when you don’t even know everything that’s happened is honestly disgusting.
 
Marshmellow0103 said:
Are you trying to say I’m a whore for that? It wasn’t even a date, but I was going out with a student who was moving back overseas. For your information I am a virgin, and simply want to get married and have children in the near future, and I’ve been waiting for my bf who moved back over seas for 2 years.

He never trusted me to begin with, before I ever did anything. Being so rude and assuming things when you don’t even know everything that’s happened is honestly disgusting.
Click to expand...
Should prolly have mentioned that was meant in a sarcastic way. My bad. Sorry. (truly)

Anyway, from your last post it could be assumed you've found yourself on some sort of crossroad, not knowing whether your bf still fits in your future the way you've always envisioned it up till now? And from there you've begun questioning the foundation of your relationship altogether?

Ask yourself these quesions: How would he, describe you in 5 characteristics, and how does that relate to the way you see yourself?
What if your son/daughter would tell you the same story, what sort of advice would you give them?
 
Marshmellow0103 said:
I had done that where I just wanted to keep in touch with certain people, and I kept decreasing the number until it was down to just one person, a guy who was kind of like a brother to me because he’d given me lots of advice about previous relationships and all, and I told my bf but he ended up being like “is he more important than me? What if I did the same thing? I don’t want you to cut them off because I made you, but I want you to put me first. I stopped talking to other girls because I don’t have any desire to talk to them since I have you”...
And I guess I was kind of glad he wasn’t talking to other girls anymore so I could relate...

Honestly, if i had to lay out there everything he’s done in the course of our relationship, it really is pretty terrible... no physical abuse, but a pretty severe case of manipulation to put it simply...
After so many discussions about it, I think we’ve both fixed some of our own problems and been able to improve our relationship... it’s been about 6 months since we’ve had any major problems and we’ve finally been communicating pretty well about everything, but I guess I’m concerned because I keep hearing that people don’t change and it just gets worse...
Click to expand...
Darling, that sound pretty terrible to me, to be honest. Because it seems to me that desire to be the most important person comes from very unhealthy place... You're a couple, not a master and his obedient mistress. You don't have to worship him and do everything so he can feel significant... Yes, you love him, he matters to you, but you have the right to have friends and other things that are meaningful to you, your life doesn't have to revolve around him. And just because he doesn't feel like talking to his female friends, it doesn't have to be the same for you - you're two individuals, it can be different for both of you.
Maybe it's time to think if he's the right man for you? Don't get me wrong, obviously it's not like you should consider break up with your boyfriend because some people from forum told you some but it's just a simply... if you're finding yourself in a position when something doesn't feel right and you're looking for advice to get a different perspective, maybe it's a big sign that you're not happy with this man?
Anyway, best wishes for you, hope you will find solution that will feel right for you X
 
Last edited:
Marshmellow0103 said:
Are you trying to say I’m a whore for that? It wasn’t even a date, but I was going out with a student who was moving back overseas. For your information I am a virgin, and simply want to get married and have children in the near future, and I’ve been waiting for my bf who moved back over seas for 2 years.

He never trusted me to begin with, before I ever did anything. Being so rude and assuming things when you don’t even know everything that’s happened is honestly disgusting.
Click to expand...


Have you found yourself posting less on social media because you know he's watching who you accept as followers/friends and what you post/say ready to pick it apart or start a fight?

Do you feel like you always have to be by your phone/laptop in contact with him? Does he need to know where you are at, always? Does he get mad if you don't respond to his messages quickly?
 
Lurk said:
Love is feeling deep empathy and concern for someone. It is not conditional; it is about the other person's well-being, even if they make you feel lousy. Real love is familial love, in my opinion. Maybe companionate.

He doesn't love you. He may in the future, but I wouldn't wait around that long because he disrespects you and controls you in a pretty abusive way. .
Click to expand...

I couldn't agree more! Perfect way to put it!
 
Real love is staring into each others eyes. That deep gaze that you wish would never end. Bringing out the best in one another / wishing the very best for each other. Trusting them and accepting them for who they are. Noticing the little things like the way he loves your laugh. Noticing the kind ways you compliment one another. Spending time together without feeling drained. Knowing that no matter what happens you’re there for one another. You never want to hurt each other. TRUSTING each other! Open lines of communication. These are essential in making any relationship work.

If at any time you feel threatened by your partner you need to wake up and take a good look at your relationship. Wanting to read your private conversations is controlling and it will not get better. Forget couples therapy. By the time you need it the damage has been done. He does not trust you and that will grow into resentment for both of you and by that point nothing can be done to fix the mess you’ll be in, or are currently in now.

I’m not trying to come across as harsh but reality bites. I do hope you’ll look after yourself and do what’s best for you.
 
Last edited:
Marshmellow0103 said:
For your information I am a virgin, and simply want to get married and have children in the near future, and I’ve been waiting for my bf who moved back over seas for 2 years.
Click to expand...

This relationship seems doomed. I assume (and hope) you are relatively young so that you can leave this jealous guy who left your for 2 years and find someone near by and interested in you. These goals are time sensitive.
 
This might sound contradictory to what others have said, but it's not meant to be. I think there's a lot of good advice in this thread. I still want to play devils advocate in this post though, because I feel for the jealous guy, but I'm not saying you should stay with him. I just want to point out that a lot of jealous and/or controlling behavior can be traced back to an attachment issue and that these issues typically run really deep. So deep in fact that they're never fully overcome. A healthy relationship is still possible but there has to be a lot of consciousness around the issue and room in the hearts of both parties to reasonably accommodate the special need. I think the big question might be are you both willing to get this real? If he's not conscious of his inner workings, and you yours, the relationship could easily become a manipulation fest, and those aren't much fun.
 
Marshmellow0103 said:
I’m an INFJ, and my ENTP boyfriend and I have been together for over 2 years. Sometimes he can be pretty controlling and jealous. He didn’t like for me to have male friends, so I cut off all of my male friends about a year into our relationship because it was causing a lot of arguments. of course I have to talk to males at work, and male family members, and he doesn’t mind that, and doesn’t mind me spending time with my girl friends and family instead of spending time with him.
A lot of my friends said their boyfriends wouldn’t let them talk to other guys either, but I’ve also heard it was too controlling and a sign of abuse.
What are your opinions on this?
Click to expand...

I was in an emotionally abusive marriage for 18 years. I gave up a lot of friends in that time period. I now have 2 best friends...one female and one male. Having a male best friend has made having a relationship with a man very difficult. I've been told "I'm a guy and I know how guys are and how they think and how they act. I don't trust him." many times. I always come back with, "You don't have to trust him. It takes 2. You only have to trust me. If you don't trust me either, then I guess we have a serious issue.". Needless to say, I'm currently single. LOL.
 
@Marshmellow0103,

I’m an INFJ, and my ENTP boyfriend and I have been together for over 2 years. Sometimes he can be pretty controlling and jealous. He didn’t like for me to have male friends, so I cut off all of my male friends about a year into our relationship because it was causing a lot of arguments. of course I have to talk to males at work, and male family members, and he doesn’t mind that, and doesn’t mind me spending time with my girl friends and family instead of spending time with him.
A lot of my friends said their boyfriends wouldn’t let them talk to other guys either, but I’ve also heard it was too controlling and a sign of abuse.
What are your opinions on this?
Click to expand...

This depends on a couple of factors -
(1) how jealously possessive a person is in their own right because the tendency will exist very strongly within some personalities
(2) how the relationship with a specific person triggers one's otherwise dormant jealous tendencies

and there is a system I use which will tell you a ton about both but as you are already seeing the behavior getting yet another confirmation probably won't do much good on its own.

Need to read everyone's responses but I agree with one of the early posts saying you should be able to do whatever you wish or need rather than having someone who essentially becomes a tyrant with wanting to keep you locked up - which doesn't do either partner any favors in the end. However without getting into esoteric studies it does very much sound like your boyfriend has a problem, it is impacting you negatively, and it is not in any way normal for you to have to put up with this situation.

Edit:
I don't find constructive criticism demeaning, hell, it's doing you a favor. If someone is willing to continue to criticize you, especially after you've failed a million times, they probably love you.
Click to expand...

Depends on how the criticism is offered, however. If it is given with a threatening or uncaring tone the impression made will be rather different.

How should genuine love be expressed, in your opinion?
Click to expand...

Honestly. (seems like an INFJ answer)
 
Last edited:
acd said:
This question just reminds me of @Tin Man 's title, and makes me want to ask, "What is a respectable amount of screaming in a relationship?"
Click to expand...

Asking the important questions today I see.
Is the amount of screaming proportional to the amount of jealousy and control perhaps? :hmm:
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top