What is a normal amount of jealousy or control in a relationship?

Marshmellow0103 said:
I’m an INFJ, and my ENTP boyfriend and I have been together for over 2 years. Sometimes he can be pretty controlling and jealous. He didn’t like for me to have male friends, so I cut off all of my male friends about a year into our relationship because it was causing a lot of arguments. of course I have to talk to males at work, and male family members, and he doesn’t mind that, and doesn’t mind me spending time with my girl friends and family instead of spending time with him.
A lot of my friends said their boyfriends wouldn’t let them talk to other guys either, but I’ve also heard it was too controlling and a sign of abuse.
What are your opinions on this?
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If you've gotten to a stage where you're scared of making him feel jealous because of your actions, it's that something is wrong. Having male friends should be completely okay. Appeasing mistrust never leads to more trust. And it might lead you to lose self-confidence by submitting to demands you shouldn't submit to. I know it's difficult, particularly when you know an argument might arise. But your boyfriend's reaction is not right. And it's a good thing you asked people about it.
 
Pin said:
Ok, those examples are largely unacceptable.
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If you give in one area it can lead to pressure to give into others and usually leads that direction. I'm wondering what other areas of her life she has allowed him to tell her what she can and can't do.

I don't think that telling a partner what they can and can't do is having standards for behavior. You do that to a kid, but you don't do that to an equal partner. If she said that he was uncomfortable with her male friends it wouldn't be a problem but she said he didn't let her have male friends. He doesn't actually have the power or the right to do that.
 
Your boyfriend needs to listen to this song for some relationship advice:
:grimacing::sweatsmile:


You should be able to talk to whomever you want to talk to, regardless of their gender. Your bf should respect and trust you enough to give you space to make your own choices and do your own thing.
 
Jealousy is a feeling of insecurity, an emotion everyone can experience at one point or another in their relationships. The problem arises in how you deal with that emotion. If you deal with it by becoming controlling, that's a big fat no go. Your boyfriend has no right to tell you who you can and cannot be friends with.

Time to have a chat about these trust issues, cause this really isn't healthy.
 
Pin said:
Ridiculous. Partners hold one another to standards in [healthy] relationships. Also, jealousy is often [justified] present, that's a sign that [we need to improve ourselves]: 1. SO will become your entire life, or 2. SO doesn't love you, s(he) loves how you make him/her/it/they feel, and 3. You will often fail to meet "standards," and besides, 4. If you aren't accepted as you are on day one, then 5. See ya.
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Modified.
 
acd said:
Your boyfriend needs to listen to this song for some relationship advice:
:grimacing::sweatsmile:


You should be able to talk to whomever you want to talk to, regardless of their gender. Your bf should respect and trust you enough to give you space to make your own choices and do your own thing.
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Isn't that the truth! I was in a long time relationship with a guy who had abandonment issues and it manifested in our relationship with him being controlling. I appeased some things at first, but after awhile it got to the point where I felt incredibly suffocated and was losing freedoms by the minute and was fighting for normal rights in my relationship. He was breaking my boundaries all the time and felt entitled to know every thought and feeling I had and every action I took. I had never felt euphoria from a break up before that, but that's how good it felt to leave. He effectively pushed me away completely.
 
infinite dreams said:
You're an adult human being, with the right to whichever friends you choose.

If he wants you to limit your (platonic) contact with other men, that is his issue, not yours.
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THIS! These are his issues. It may not be that he doesn't trust you, @Marshmellow0103, but that he doesn't trust other men. Whatever the truth of it, no one should have to give up friendships with a particular gender due to a partner's insecurities.

souvenir said:
I don't think that telling a partner what they can and can't do is having standards for behavior. You do that to a kid, but you don't do that to an equal partner.
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Exactly!!! Very controlling behavior, and it bleeds into every other area of the relationship.

Lady Jolanda said:
Time to have a chat about these trust issues, cause this really isn't healthy.
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And this!

I hope you two can solve these things together. Perhaps couples counseling if you're both committed to one another to see this through.
 
Pin said:
Oh no! Being held to a standard, how abusive! Not... RESPONSIBILITY!
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I'm struck by how different we are. See, to me, yes I will try to behave as myself, because my SO supposedly accepted and loved me -- the finished product -- from day one. I will never alter who I am, and my behavior will be weird, awkward, loving, irritable, intense, kind, etc. Just Lurker in a relationship.

It's demeaning to be your SO's project because you aren't good enough as is. If you fail to meet the SO's expectations, you will be downgraded to junk status. Never, ever, did the SO genuinely love you.

No thanks.
 
Lurk said:
I'm struck by how different we are. See, to me, yes I will try to behave as myself, because my SO supposedly accepted and loved me -- the finished product -- from day one. I will never alter who I am, and my behavior will be weird, awkward, loving, irritable, intense, kind, etc. Just Lurker in a relationship.

It's demeaning to be your SO's project because you aren't good enough as is. If you fail to meet the SO's expectations, you will be downgraded to junk status. Never, ever, did the SO genuinely love you.

No thanks.
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I feel that the "I am a finished product mentality" is self-defeating because it doesn't push you to improve. In fact, I believe it's how we all get fat and lazy. In my opinion, there is always room for improvement.

I don't find constructive criticism demeaning, hell, it's doing you a favor. If someone is willing to continue to criticize you, especially after you've failed a million times, they probably love you.

How should genuine love be expressed, in your opinion?
 
Pin said:
I feel like that the "I am a finished product mentality" is self-defeating because it doesn't push you to improve. In fact, I believe it's how we all get fat and lazy. In my opinion, there is always room for improvement. I don't find constructive criticism demeaning, hell, it's doing you a favor. If someone is willing to continue to criticize you, especially after you've failed a million times, they probably love you.
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I was with someone for many years who never excepted me and found fault with everything I did. Trying to please this person was impossible. Now I am free to be myself.

How should genuine love be expressed, in your opinion?
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By being nice to your partner. Except and love them for who they are, not who you want them to be.
 
Marshmellow0103 said:
I’m an INFJ, and my ENTP boyfriend and I have been together for over 2 years. Sometimes he can be pretty controlling and jealous. He didn’t like for me to have male friends, so I cut off all of my male friends about a year into our relationship because it was causing a lot of arguments. of course I have to talk to males at work, and male family members, and he doesn’t mind that, and doesn’t mind me spending time with my girl friends and family instead of spending time with him.
A lot of my friends said their boyfriends wouldn’t let them talk to other guys either, but I’ve also heard it was too controlling and a sign of abuse.
What are your opinions on this?
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I feel like to really understand your situation, it has to be put in a wider context. So: do you feel like it's just this particular case of him being controlling or he can be also controlling about other aspects of your life? And more importantly: how he reacts when you reject any of his ideas or wishes? How he feels about differences between both of you - starting from small preferences to bigger things like very different needs, opinions and preferences?
How he would react if you would say 'I want to keep in touch with this one male friend because he's a good friend of mine because of X,Y & Z?' And how he expresses this desire for you to have no male friends - calmly and politely, in a form of suggestion or strongly and with some anger?
 
I feel like you could better your relationship with him by talking about his trust/abandonment issues and getting him to understand that real trust comes from him feeling secure about you having male friends, not from making you cut them off and not having any. I think you probably really want him to trust you, but know that he doesn’t, even if you’ve cut off your guy friends. So, you’re kind of in a lose-lose situation. You’ve lost your guy friends. You haven’t really gained his trust. You’ve just become hostage to his insecurities.
 
Marshmellow0103 said:
That makes a lot of sense... my “guy friends” were guys I talked to online and never actually met (language learning partners) so I could kind of understand why he didn’t trust them though.
For work, I tutor adults in one on one lessons (including males) so he was worried about it but didn’t stop me from getting the job, saying he trusted me, but because of us having relationship issues for a while I ended up betraying him and going out with one of my students and lying about it (I didn’t even touch the guy, so no kissing or sex, but I still feel really bad about it.)
He has abandonment issues already and I feel like I’ve been really cruel to him...
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Looks like he was right not to trust you with guys.
 
I have never heard an argument that suggests jealousy is any more justified in a romantic relationship than in any other relationship. I see it as simple: if one loved one wants you to get rid of another loved one, the first ain't any loved one of yours. It's one thing if one person is behaving truly immorally, then sure, if your loved one has a problem with that, I get it.

It seems more like the thing that's blindly accepted, kind of like homophobia is accepted in some circles. I mean, sure there are primitive biological jealousies but they're not well-justified things or something. I understand having the feelings, but not viewing them as things to be pandered to so much as constructively addressed.

If a partner is insecure, reassure them how much you love them and if that doesn't work, I can't call that a terrific relationship. Not sure why it's better than just being alone.

(And hey, I'm as insecure as the next person. But that's something I have to work on, not something that should be viewed as healthy.)

Obviously you should yourself be trustworthy, though, or all this is a moot point. But even if you're not, the partner telling you to get rid of people or semi-get-rid-of isn't the solution -- the solution is to realize he/she doesn't trust you and deal with that (either break up or fix the trust issue).


I think if someone gets rid of a good friend for a partner, solely on this sort of basis, it's a bad thing to do. It's crude, unloving etc. It's more based on loyalty than real love and affection.
 
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Elis said:
So, your relationship is shaky and you went out with someone else. He feels like you cheated on him and don't trust you with other men anymore, and now you wonder where to go from here. Did I get that right?
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Not exactly. Loooong before that situation ever happened he told me he didn’t want me to talk to guys outside of work. Despite that I went out (to a fast food restaurant and a church gathering) with a guy I tutor, and further lost his trust, so at this point, I can’t blame him for being a bit controlling.
I’m pretty much just asking about whether or not a guy not wanting his girlfriend to talk to other guys is psychological abuse or something because a lot of people are acting like it is.
 
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