So then, why are you digressing on your life situation? I know you know why, and that you can't express it in words; not even with writing in this case...
Don't you ever wish you could go back in time, and just do that one thing differently? No, make that two. Regrets? No, not really regrets for the sake of regretting things, but simply just for the sake of not being in a present place where the future is clouded and of vaying possibilities.
Happy? Sometimes, like today when you were driving and that song came on with that increadible beat? You remember, the one where you turned up your base and transformed into a gangster for 4 minutes? Ahhh, it was good to see the stress melt away while you felt some past life that you have no clearer memories of.
And while just before that one, was a sad one that caused you to remember why you have been living as less of yourself again, while you love another with the best of yourself. While you rip yourself off to try a direction of gentle control and empathetic reason while it goes unnoticed, as do you.
Hugs for you dear, remember who you are and who you're supposed to be. It's too bad that you have come to a place where you'll never take a chance or a risk again if it involves sharing your intimate heart with another.