Why be in a long-term romantic relationship?

Well, even if someone is not thinking, I'll stay because it's the "mature" thing to do, many people have stayed in relationships because it was the "responsible" thing to do. Maybe they were expectations from family, culture, or community to stick it out instead of letting go of something which
wasn't working because to everyone, it looked good on paper or seemed "right" although it may not have been the best thing. So, it's not a new concept for people to stay in relationships longer simply because it's expected or because it seems more responsible. And if someone wants someone later, they probably know it's going to look a little odd to the person they may actually want to have a long term relationship with, if they've only had short term relationships. They probably know it's going to make that person think twice before moving forward. So, they may try to stay longer in a relationship so that they have something to show the next person that they are capable of something serious or are actually capable of a committment. So, it happens.
 
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niffer said:
[MENTION=5219]Rferraris[/MENTION] Our world contains a lot of interesting and troubled people.
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Why do I find this disturbing. I feel like there are enemies out there and I'm not paying attention.
 
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this is going to sounds cliche, but whatever.

Why be in a long-term romantic relationship? Because you love the other person, and they love you. Just because not all sparks anymore doesn't mean you stop liking the person (it shouldn't, i wouldn't think.) Granted, there are going to be rough patches, dull/boring spots, but relationships take work. There needs to be motivation to give the effort, which, ideally, would be love.

nota bene: i haven't actually been in a relationship, much less a long-term one; not like i'm speaking from experience.
 
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knight in battle said:
Then comes the bad sparks :(
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If the sparks stop, maybe there really isn't anything. Sparks gave never gone away for me. It changes from or changed if I can remember from excited dating to making plans, but never did it get dull or boring. Was always on the edge of my seat. I think that might sound cute and aww gee how story book, but come on there's a lot of people out there. Gotta imagine there could have been someone else in the world I'd have gotten along with.
 
I agree with Knight in Battle, as well as Cedar. I would like to add that dating someone for a long period of time is like reading a book, and then reading it over and over again. The "honeymoon phase is the best!" mentality is akin to reading the first half of the book and assuming that you've gotten all the excitement and satisfaction out of it. Words and ideas have so much more to offer us when we take the time to see more meanings than the ones that lie obviously before us. And that's just in regard to what you can derive out of a long term relationship. There's also fulfillment in understanding how you can support your partner. The partnership and support aspect of long term relationships simply cannot be found in a short dating time, and I would argue that it is worth the wait. Essentially, that's how love develops, whereas a short term romantic excursion cannot be deep and devoted enough to constitute love.
 
NOTE: I don't have children...I don't know if that has any bearing on my perspective or not.


Everyone gave excellent responses! I could see myself saying all of those words at different points in my life. :nod:

After having been in two long term marriages I can look back and see all the mistakes I made. I can also see all the things I did right too.

Mostly what I see is how I changed - I grew - I evolved - due to those relationships. This is the key to relationships. They bring out the best in us. They bring up the worst in us. This gives me the opportunity to evolve into the kind of person I wish to be if I am honest with myself enough to work with what comes up.

But for this to happen I had to "Commit" to a long term relationship. Those words uttered in the christian ceremonies: "To have and to hold. For better or Worse".... create a sense of bonding and it promotes the opportunity for growth of Self. Honestly - I don't know that I would have grown if it weren't for my commitment to staying it through the tough times. The trick for me was to admit 'staying' just because the church said so - was detrimental to my well being. So the first long term relationship wasn't meant to BE long term.

My current one is still evolving. Although we are 'not together' - we are still partners on this place until it's sold. Again...I am still evolving and learning through this relationship and it's been over 20 years now. Weird - eh?

Whenever lovers meet and fall in love there is the magic you are well aware of. In the Magic phase there is generally no real conflict to bring up the worst in us. If we left the relationship when the Magic faded away - we would never get a chance to learn how to deal with conflict and the shadow aspects of ourselves would remain hidden. btw....the magic really never goes away. It transforms. It ebbs and flows. It evolves.

I have to say there is enormous satisfaction in talking to your long term mate about the joyous and painful events you shared together in that long life. Sitting together drinking coffee on the porch saying things like: "Do you remember when?"...or.... "I've got an idea. What do you think about....?" They will know you so well their response will be tailored specifically for you. No one else will know you the way they do.
 
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I agree with what [MENTION=1669]Cedar[/MENTION] said. I would think, too, that people are ever growing, evolving, and changing. So as long as this is happening, how can there be room for stagnation?
 
Julie said:
I agree with Knight in Battle, as well as Cedar. I would like to add that dating someone for a long period of time is like reading a book, and then reading it over and over again. The "honeymoon phase is the best!" mentality is akin to reading the first half of the book and assuming that you've gotten all the excitement and satisfaction out of it. Words and ideas have so much more to offer us when we take the time to see more meanings than the ones that lie obviously before us. And that's just in regard to what you can derive out of a long term relationship. There's also fulfillment in understanding how you can support your partner. The partnership and support aspect of long term relationships simply cannot be found in a short dating time, and I would argue that it is worth the wait. Essentially, that's how love develops, whereas a short term romantic excursion cannot be deep and devoted enough to constitute love.
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You're also simultaneously helping to write the book that you're trying to read through.

Short term relationships are like signing one another's guest books, whereas long term relationships are like agreeing to be one of the main editors of each other's life stories.
 
Because when you find your soulmate, it's magical, there is a connection that runs so deep and on a spiritual level. You accept that there will be boredom at some stage but the connection runs so deep like I said, that you feel if they are not with you, you feel like a part of you is missing.
 
Newlywed to another INFJ, but far out out the discovery/exploration stage. We were finishing each other's sentences the very first conversation we had, all that mushy stuff. However, just as much as we were playing out all the Nicholas Spark's couples, we were simultaneously diving headfirst into each other's faults. Repressed memories, psychological and physical trauma, addiction, all that stuff. We prevented the cracks from the past and present in ourselves from reaching into the relationship. Sounds like we'd get that stagnant feeling pretty quick eh?

Quite the contrary. We don't "unconditionally accept each other's faults", that's not our definition of love that lasts. We use our fantastic intuition to inspire us individually to internally FIX our own cracks, thus always growing and learning as individual people and deeply appreciating, respecting, and loving even more the other half that gave us the tools to help. We're never insulting to one another about our problems, or play the role of the "counselor" or parent. I just imagine how I could learn that particular lesson in a mystical way, and set up the dominoes for him, and vice versa.

In conclusion, long term relationships are for constant individual inner growth in the most positive way possible...Love:)
 
Soulful said:
What are long-term romantic relationships for?
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Well, the world is a really fucked up place. It's good to have someone watching your back.

What is enticing about them after the discovery/exploration phase is over?
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The ritual and routine.
What is so exciting about familiarity?
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When you realize that comfortable familiarity is better than erratic instability, routine doesn't sound half bad.
Does familiarity not feel like stagnation?
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Sometimes, it's why we've got to spice things up while not forgetting to be appreciative of our lives.
 
Soulful said:
What are long-term romantic relationships for?
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To me, ever-deepening friendship, companionship, and intimacy. Growth. To have a partner for grand adventures as well as the mundane parts of life. Help with the meeting of each other’s needs as well as one’s own. To celebrate one another’s successes and achievements. To support each other in hard times.

Soulful said:
What is enticing about them after the discovery/exploration phase is over?
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You make a big assumption here that I do not agree with. The discovery and exploration isn’t a phase. It never ends. Also, no one is a constant...we are living creatures and we grow, we learn, we adapt, we change. There is always something new.

Soulful said:
What is so exciting about familiarity? Does familiarity not feel like stagnation?
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In my experience, a healthy relationship feels exactly the opposite of stagnation. Also, the thing I value most in life is intimacy...to know and be known. That necessarily takes time if you want to go deep.

Soulful said:
*sex aside for this entire question.
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I don’t think your questions, or the answers to them, are in good faith without addressing this. It’s absolutely part of the reason for the why of a long-term relationship for me. I think it’s necessary to really know a person deeply if I want to be able to bring them sexual joy, as they would define that. In my experience, a long-term-relationship is the best means and context for that to happen. The greatest among all the sex organs is the brain, and I know that if I want to fully pleasure my partner, I have to know her deeply enough to have a fundamental understanding of what makes her tick. To me, sex is every bit as psychological as it is physical, emotional, or otherwise. Long-term-relationships provide the opportunity and the basis of trust to be able to do that, and do that well.

Cheers,
Ian
 
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