Anybody ever date a INTJ?

[Zero Angel]

A very good analysis. This is exactly how my relationship went when I dated an INTJ. She was a fantastic partner. INTJ women are emotionally complex and their Ni/Fi gives them a fascinating kind of depth. I wouldnt mind meeting more INTJ women.

 

[WaeV]

For me, I have a hard time trusting people. It is very easy for me to see your intentions the first time I meet you. People often think that we are aloof and don't see their intentions, which can be hurtful and misguided, but we see them crystal clear.

Try to be flaky with me, or undependable and i'll simply stop talking to you. We OVERreact to people hurting us. It really breaks us because we set such high standards for ourselves, we think through our date with you, or our meeting with you over and over and over again. Then if we are fooled, maybe you didn't like me after all or worse, you played me, we are broken. All that thought has failed, and so then, has our system. It takes many years to repair it or for another person to come along and repair it or reinforce that we were correct in the first place. So we put up walls and let in only the very few who have shown their trustworthyness to us.

In the beginning, most INTJs to try and work these relationship failures out. But its so taxing on us because most other personalitiy types don't argue/reason logically in an "emotional" argument. And that causes us to just go haywire.

We really dont mind carrying the world on our shoulders, but we hate when people come and abuse that kind of steadyness and dependability. I think thats why we aren't very good at emotional outbreaks.

This is an absolutely perfect description. Imagine you're writing a research paper. You think about your topic in the back of your mind all the time - even while doing other work. You compare sources, ask other people of their opinions, gather data, make carefully judged decisions on each topic sentence, laboriously work to bring the whole paper to its fantastic conclusion and...?! The teacher gives you an F and rips your paper in half. How would that make you feel? Your whole standard of what makes a good paper has been trashed. You have no authority on the topic you're spent so long on. You have to start from scratch.

 

[slant]

I wish!

 

[WaeV]

I wish!

Heh, what is it you like about us?

 

[slant]

INTJs are storehouses of information, they are ultra detail oriented and tend to be walking encylopedias when a topic interests them. They tend to be very organized and interact with my style of communication very well. If I need specifics, an INTJ WILL give specifics, and sometimes even more. They tend to make rational decisions and although they can have an ego and at times be so focused on the facts that they think they are right no matter what, I can deal with that. They're all silly sometimes and it's nice because they have a wacky, sort of dry sense of humor that is better than slapstick humor. But their focus just drives me nuts, in a mucho positive way.

 

[Mystic7]

TJs

In the end, we couldn't make it work because our approaches to life were so wildly incompatible. I go with the flow and improvise my way through life, and thrive on this. He is set in his ways and structured and it got to the point where he became very critical of the way I lived my life (even of what my personal beliefs or lack there of were) because he just wanted a woman who "made sense."

I am a little bit leery of TJs in general. I recently met someone new that I had been chatting with online, and it immediately became apparent on the first meeting that this person was a TJ... I sat there saying 'uh-huh' for an hour or more, listening to all kinds of logically-explained theories about conspiracies and all manner of stuff. lol. I feel like TJs want to trap me and explain all their ideas to me, and are not really paying that much attention to how I feel or what my opinion is. (At the time I felt like the above person was an INTJ.)

 

[Mystic7]

Ugh

One thing I remember reading about on the INTJs forum which I can totally agree with - if he's doing something wrong, just tell him. In the example I read, whenever the woman cried, the INTJ would just sit there. TBH, he probably didn't know what he should do. He probably decided to do nothing rather than do the wrong thing. In this case, if you want him to comfort him, all you have to say is "When I'm crying, I want you to hold me instead of just sitting there," or whatever.

God, I hate this... When the other person has no clue about how to react to emotions, and you have to explain everything to them or they are clueless.

 

[acd]

I am a little bit leery of TJs in general. I recently met someone new that I had been chatting with online, and it immediately became apparent on the first meeting that this person was a TJ... I sat there saying 'uh-huh' for an hour or more, listening to all kinds of logically-explained theories about conspiracies and all manner of stuff. lol. I feel like TJs want to trap me and explain all their ideas to me, and are not really paying that much attention to how I feel or what my opinion is. (At the time I felt like the above person was an INTJ.)

Yeah, they're supposed to be introverted, but my ex never. stopped. talking about political and economic theory. Actually he was usually pretty interesting and enlightening no matter how I disagreed with him. Though, he would call me and ask me for advice on moral things and interpersonal things and the like. He was clueless about emotions. If I told him I was mad at him because he was acting like a jackass, he'd mostly try to convince me I was being illogical and stupid.

Every so often he would concede and say, "What do you want, make a list, write it down or tell me and I'll do it." He had the capacity to be sweet.

INFJ would probably get along better with INTJ type than INFP. That Fi makes both of us pretty stubborn.

 

[VH]

INFJ would probably get along better with INTJ type than INFP. That Fi makes both of us pretty stubborn.

I've dated both, and while the chemistry between myself and the INFP was off-the-chart amazing, so were the clashes. The INTJs couldn't come close to the intensity of passion and connection that an INFP could, but the INTJs made up for it in long term stability of relationship.

 

[slant]

Intjs are awesome D:

 

[acd]

They are. I'd date another one if it ever came up. I just wouldn't date the same one.

 

[Gaze]

God, I hate this... When the other person has no clue about how to react to emotions, and you have to explain everything to them or they are clueless.

Although INTJs seem great, you have the same concerns I do about the INTJ as a type. So, I question how well the INFJ-INTJ union would work in the long term.

 

[WaeV]

Although INTJs seem great, you have the same concerns I do about the INTJ as a type. So, I question how well the INFJ-INTJ union would work in the long term.

As emotionally inept as a stereotypical INTJ may be, we really do care. Surely you perceptive INFJs would be able to see that? And as others have pointed out, we have other redeeming features.

But I understand what you mean.

 

[gloomy-optimist]

The INTJs I know care a lot. And although they can be clueless about emotion, they can also be brought to understand why emotion is important to others and how to fulfill that, from a logical sense. It's just a matter of speaking their language and being patient.

 

[acd]

Speak their language and be patient for them? I don't understand how anyone can enter into a relationship with someone they can't communicate with. It'd be better to end up with someone who's learned those lessons already than to wait around for them to get a clue.

 

[Entyqua]

I am an INFJ female married to a INTJ male...I have to say the compatibilities are wonderful, but the fights are painful, as he needs to get away from the situation before he says or does something to really hurt me, while I need him to stay and to solve the problem. When he leaves it feels like a being ripped apart, and I cry until he can come back and apologize, or I can...whichever the case may be. The expression of emotion in the INTJ is the hardest for me to deal with, I am very frivolous with my doting of feelings on him, where he is very reserved, ever the "she knows i love her" mentality. Being INFJ I NEED to hear it, but he doesnt NEED to say it. So in summary, if you can work with eachothers differences, the relationhip can be magical!

 

[Entyqua]

The INTJs I know care a lot. And although they can be clueless about emotion, they can also be brought to understand why emotion is important to others and how to fulfill that, from a logical sense. It's just a matter of speaking their language and being patient.

Well said...This is precisely right!

 

[Gaze]

I am an INFJ female married to a INTJ male...I have to say the compatibilities are wonderful, but the fights are painful, as he needs to get away from the situation before he says or does something to really hurt me, while I need him to stay and to solve the problem. When he leaves it feels like a being ripped apart, and I cry until he can come back and apologize, or I can...whichever the case may be. The expression of emotion in the INTJ is the hardest for me to deal with, I am very frivolous with my doting of feelings on him, where he is very reserved, ever the "she knows i love her" mentality. Being INFJ I NEED to hear it, but he doesnt NEED to say it.

Now, this would make me think quite a bit if this were to become a pattern in my own relationship. Not that a relationship will be perfect, mind you, but those kinds of ups and downs will take too much emotional energy away from the satisfaction of being in the relationship. If a partner cannot recognize the validity of a partners feelings, then something will have to give. You don't have to always agree with your partners feelings or feel comfortable with the expression of those feelings, but it is necessary to respect those feelings. In other words, a partner with empathy is very important for the long term, whatever type they may be.

Speak their language and be patient for them? I don't understand how anyone can enter into a relationship with someone they can't communicate with. It'd be better to end up with someone who's learned those lessons already than to wait around for them to get a clue.

Exactly. Ability to communicate effectively is more important than whether a type is interesting, mysteriously reserved, or intelligent.

I agree with Rudy below, when he says that patience is key, partners don't have to agree on everything, it's not always about being right, and it's not always best to pursue a point in an argument. Know the priorities - the point, the person, the relationship, or both.

 

[Rudy]

OP, try Rudy.

Ah, yes, me. ;D Sorry I didn't see this thread before.

I am an INFJ male dating an INTJ female, and I like it very much. I'm not sure what I can say that hasn't already been said, and a lot of what I have to say has to be taken with the information that neither she nor I are extreme examples of our types. I, for example, am fairly balanced on the T/F scale; I tend to rely on my Ti more than many INFJs, I think.

In terms of emotions, patience is key. On both sides. She's patient with me when I have to leave the room because of some embarrassing thing happening on television, and I'm patient with her if she's a little slower to express how she feels than I am.

I have to stress that it's just a matter of expression. I think anyone who claims that an INTJ feels any less intensely cannot back up such a claim. They just express it less intensely.

We've never actually had a fight, in terms of yelling or attacking one another, though we have disagreed on things. We see eye to eye or the vast majority of issues, but the few things we can't come to a consensus on, we just don't argue about much. For example, I am an atheistic materialist, whereas she is more of a pantheist. We just disagree on this, but it doesn't affect our lives, so it's not really an issue.

There's a lot of things I like about her, that would be difficult to find in other types. For example, I don't have to me a macho man with her, and she doesn't have to be a ultra-feminine girly girl with me. It's quite amusing, actually, how we reverse gender roles in many ways. We both know how to enjoy silence, and share the same values.

I'm having a hard time coming up with any real complaints... hmm. There is a small one, and that is that she needs to be right a lot of the time. Sometimes, it's better just not to pursue a point in an argument. This doesn't mean say "Ok, you're right," which I've never done unless I meant it, but rather to just... let the argument slip away, so to speak. Don't challenge the point in some cases.

That's a very minor thing, though; I'm very pleased with the relationship overall.

 

[Entyqua]

Now, this would make me think quite a bit if this were to become a pattern in my own relationship. Not that a relationship will be perfect, mind you, but those kinds of ups and downs will take too much emotional energy away from the satisfaction of being in the relationship. If a partner cannot recognize the validity of a partners feelings, then something will have to give. You don't have to always agree with your partners feelings or feel comfortable with the expression of those feelings, but it is necessary to respect those feelings. In other words, a partner with empathy is very important for the long term, whatever type they may be.

I agree with you to a point, and I almost left him for this, but INTJ's dont have empathy, they really dont. They cannot understand feelings, hell they cant even understand anything illogical. Picture SPOCK...and trying to get him to feel empathy for you (Im not typing SPOCK People just settle down, I am merely pointing out a resemblance). It doesnt happen. And to them it does not compute. They cannot fathom it. REALLY I have tried to explain it. I love this man, and he infuriates me to no end. Yes the emotional rollercoaster bite my ass, and drain me of all emotional energy. But it doesnt happen all the time. The instances I spoke about are very few and far between, we get along like the best of friends. There are going to be ups and downs in any relationship, its the nature of the beast. Dont let them discourage you, you never know where you will find that one person who really completes you.

(AND before you all get down my throat, this is MY INTJ, not every INTJ...so yea...)