Mfj8LaH546rfr
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Anyone ever go no contact with their whole family? How’d that go?
Anyone ever go no contact with their whole family?
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I have an uncle who I've never met. He went no contact with the entire family. Parents, sisters, brothers, cousins, etc. I don't really know why. My family says his opinion was poisoned by his then girlfriend (now wife), who convinced him that all of us are crazy and that he's better than us and better off without us. I would like to hear my uncle's side of the story, but that's not possible for obvious reasons. All of this took place before I was born.
When I first heard of the story as a child, I felt a bit insulted. How can he judge us (cousins) when he hasn't even met us? How can he extend his conflict with a few people to the entire family? Some of my aunts and uncles are lovely people.
But as I got older, I realized his existence has no impact of any kind on my life and he became a nonfactor.
(I mean, it still feels a bit insulting when I think about it now, but the only reason I think about it is because of this thread. I don't ever think about it otherwise.)
It's like he doesn't exist. It's not a taboo subject or anything, but life went on without him. I think it's best compared to having a family member's relationship end. The ex leaves the family and you sort of forget about them after a while. They may come up in conversation at a birthday party once in a blue moon, but that's all.
When I first heard of the story as a child, I felt a bit insulted. How can he judge us (cousins) when he hasn't even met us? How can he extend his conflict with a few people to the entire family? Some of my aunts and uncles are lovely people.
But as I got older, I realized his existence has no impact of any kind on my life and he became a nonfactor.
(I mean, it still feels a bit insulting when I think about it now, but the only reason I think about it is because of this thread. I don't ever think about it otherwise.)
It's like he doesn't exist. It's not a taboo subject or anything, but life went on without him. I think it's best compared to having a family member's relationship end. The ex leaves the family and you sort of forget about them after a while. They may come up in conversation at a birthday party once in a blue moon, but that's all.
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I wonder if something happened or if the wife is controlling.
My maternal grandfather's side of the family more or less disowned him because they were Irish Catholic (my great-grandfather was orphaned and raised by nuns) and my grandfather married a protestant (also, not Irish). I grew up believing his entire family lived far away when they lived in our area. I didn't meet most of them until I was in my twenties. My mother and her cousin were best friends in school but were not allowed to be friends as adults because of this rift. They never spoke again after graduation. We all reconciled after my mother and grandparents passed, but all the people who needed that forgiveness and love were gone. It was my father who accepted them. I understand how things were in Ireland, but my great grandfather left Ireland at age four.
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I'm sorry your grandfather (and the rest of the family) had to go through that, Asa. My grandparents told me about friends who had similar rifts with their families cause marrying someone of the 'wrong' religion. My paternal grandparents had the same religion, but fought about which church to go to instead.
Thankfully people are a bit more tolerant these days.
I wonder that too, but I don't expect to ever find out as my uncle won't talk and my grandparents passed a long time ago. We do have a few crazies in the family, but definitely not all of them (not even the majority), so I don't understand the decision to shun the entire family. Oh well. I just hope he's happy with his life's choices but if he ever regrets them, I'm open to getting to know him.
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I just hope he's happy with his life's choices but if he ever regrets them, I'm open to getting to know him.
I would be the same way.
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In cases like what @MsLonelyHearts is talking about, the people I know who are voluntarily estranged from their families did it for mental health reasons so they could heal from past abuse, or because their parents don't accept them because they're LGBTQX, or because their parents are religious and they chose a different path. Society places so much weight on keeping family relationships, but if it is preventing you from functioning as a healthy person, move on. Try to build a strong network of chosen family, though. It's difficult to go through life without a support network. This will matter more and more as you get older.
Roses In The Vineyard
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I no-contacted my parents for 10 years, during my 20s—because of my mother.
For a few years after that, contact was sporadic. I was hypervigilant for any of the mental processes, words, engagement, and so on, that would indicate I would be at risk in making deeper contact.
I don’t really remember the point where my mother also became my friend.
She changed. I changed too. If you told me during the no-contact that this was possible, I wouldn’t have believed you. I would have told you it could not, and would not, happen.
I talk to my mother nearly every day—perhaps not for ~2 days in a month’s time. And it’s not a five- to ten-minute call. At least a half-hour, more typically an hour.
I’m at her house right now.
When I say friend, I mean if she was not my mother, I would still want to talk to her every day.
My mother types as INTP, and she types as an Enneagram Type 5.
I’m beyond fortunate. I never could have imagined this, but people (can) grow and change, and so changes the situation.
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My contact with my sister during that time was sparse, but I had no issue with her. We love each other very much.
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So my mother, my sister, and I are going to get a family photo tomorrow. I find this amusing:
mother, INTP, wearing a black dress
sister, INFJ, wearing a dress that looks like a Klimt on acid
me, ENFP, wearing a dress shirt of the purest, perfect pink.
Never Say Never,
Ian
For a few years after that, contact was sporadic. I was hypervigilant for any of the mental processes, words, engagement, and so on, that would indicate I would be at risk in making deeper contact.
I don’t really remember the point where my mother also became my friend.
She changed. I changed too. If you told me during the no-contact that this was possible, I wouldn’t have believed you. I would have told you it could not, and would not, happen.
I talk to my mother nearly every day—perhaps not for ~2 days in a month’s time. And it’s not a five- to ten-minute call. At least a half-hour, more typically an hour.
I’m at her house right now.
When I say friend, I mean if she was not my mother, I would still want to talk to her every day.
My mother types as INTP, and she types as an Enneagram Type 5.
I’m beyond fortunate. I never could have imagined this, but people (can) grow and change, and so changes the situation.
-----
My contact with my sister during that time was sparse, but I had no issue with her. We love each other very much.
-----
So my mother, my sister, and I are going to get a family photo tomorrow. I find this amusing:
mother, INTP, wearing a black dress
sister, INFJ, wearing a dress that looks like a Klimt on acid
me, ENFP, wearing a dress shirt of the purest, perfect pink.
Never Say Never,
Ian
uuu
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My experience is that there are many kinds of relationships that are so caustic and offer so little hope of reconciliation in the short term that sometimes no-contact is the only safe option. However, as @aeon ’s story reminds us, I am of the firm conviction that people can and do change, and it brings me joy when I hear of relationships that reemerge after many years of silence.
I don’t mean this in a prescriptive sense—I am not saying that anyone “has to” reach out to their estrangements—but I suspect that a common motivation for going no-contact is precisely to create a carrots-and-sticks style incentive for the aggressor to recognize how they have caused hurt and outgrow their prejudices and bad habits. Although the endgame of no-contact isn’t always to teach the other person a lesson, sometimes it is, and in these cases, perhaps it’s worth it to check in once in a while and see if the necessary growth has taken place.
I don’t mean this in a prescriptive sense—I am not saying that anyone “has to” reach out to their estrangements—but I suspect that a common motivation for going no-contact is precisely to create a carrots-and-sticks style incentive for the aggressor to recognize how they have caused hurt and outgrow their prejudices and bad habits. Although the endgame of no-contact isn’t always to teach the other person a lesson, sometimes it is, and in these cases, perhaps it’s worth it to check in once in a while and see if the necessary growth has taken place.
InfernoMink
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If we were family. You probably haven’t seen me in at minimum of 10 years.
If extended, then that would be 20 years.
I won’t ever win, best family member awards, not in this lifetime. Man, I’m such a piece of crap. lmao.
If extended, then that would be 20 years.
I won’t ever win, best family member awards, not in this lifetime. Man, I’m such a piece of crap. lmao.
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No.
I have thought about it, but it always goes back to my thinking that I should be able to learn how to cope with difficult people and that "cutting people out" can often be a form of avoidance.
I understand why people do it. I often wish I could, but I would struggle with the guilt. I have difficulty prioritizing my own feelings and I don't think about how my life would be better but about the consequences - like if I ever need to go back to live with family that if I split from them then I will be all on my own and I don't think I'm very confident of my ability to support myself reliably.
I have thought about it, but it always goes back to my thinking that I should be able to learn how to cope with difficult people and that "cutting people out" can often be a form of avoidance.
I understand why people do it. I often wish I could, but I would struggle with the guilt. I have difficulty prioritizing my own feelings and I don't think about how my life would be better but about the consequences - like if I ever need to go back to live with family that if I split from them then I will be all on my own and I don't think I'm very confident of my ability to support myself reliably.
uuu
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This is a pretty upsetting story, and obviously I sympathize with the narrator.
Taking a step back, though, I am curious about the audience for this video and the motivation of its creator. As far as I can tell, the author is a voice actor who pulled the story off of Reddit (so we can probably assume the story has been hyped up a little) and is narrating it in first-person. So we know that it's not a personal video essay, reaching out for support, and I don't think this is an art project either, because the production value is low, and the voiceover is layered with text captions and an irrelevant screen recording of a video game.
These clues make me think that the uploader is just churning out videos in this style by the dozen, in order to target disaffected young men who can identify with the narrator, have grievances with women in their life, and/or believe that women are narcissistic and entitled, with the ultimate goal of exploiting their prejudices for YouTube clout, clicks, and ad revenue. If you look at the recommended videos, they are all about "Karens" and "Entitled wives" and so on (with a couple of "narcissist dad" stories for variety).
Maybe it's a stretch to attribute all of this motivation to the channel operator after seeing a single video, but having been on the internet for 20+ years, I feel like I know my way around the block and can safely ID this one as clickbait.
wolly.green
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Yeah I did. But that was my BPD talking. I'm the only one in my family with BPD because I went undiagnosed with ADHD for years. As a result, my stepdad was very... abusive to me especially.