Biggest myths about love or relationships . . .

[sassafras]

The way I see it, there are several types of 'nice' guys out there. Here are two that are the opposite ends of one spectrum:

There are the nice guys who are loyal, polite and sweet, with a good head on their shoulders. They treat everyone with respect, and approach conflict calmly and confidently. They keep themselves busy, but have friends and interests of their own. And this is the sort of man the majority of women would like to date. But alas, you really don't see this type of nice guy a lot.

And then there are the nice guys who are polite and sweet, with a good head on their shoulders, but they lack self-esteem, who are not just sensitive, but whiny and obsessive and smothering. They have no friends of their own, and their whole world revolves around the relationship. They avoid conflict whenever they can, and resort to emotional manipulation when their partner (understandably) begins to keep her distance. And then, the inevitable happens: "I'm a nice guy; I treated her like a princess, but she broke up with me to date a total asshole. Screw this! From now on, I'm going to be an asshole too!"

Before you guys all paint every nice guys with the same brush, it's important to know that there are differences. There are a lot of people out there who are capable of being nice and accommodating, and generally caring about other people. But that's just one aspect of the package.

That's why I abhor the 'nice guy' and 'asshole' label. They're two extremes, and the entire male population cannot be slotted into one category or the other. Because that's just stupid. It's like the virgin and whore dichotomy in women all over again.

 

[Orion]

Nicely said, I definitely agree with that. Since associating myself with the INFJ type, I'm well aware that the nice guy thing, the second one you described, is a big pitfall. Like you said it comes down to fixating on relationships and how some guys think it will sort their entire lives out if they get one.

 

[The Jester]

I'm the doormat-but-get's-angry-when-you've-crossed-that-certain-line type of guy.
You know..

 

[sassafras]

I'm the doormat-but-get's-angry-when-you've-crossed-that-certain-line type of guy.
You know..

I don't know if you're serious here, but no one should be a doormat, prank. Least of all you. I like you too much

 

[The Jester]

I don't know if you're serious here, but no one should be a doormat, prank. Least of all you. I like you too much

Aww. I love you too.

But I'm not sure. I think I switch between moods.

It goes a bit like this:

-> Doormat -> realises this -> OH NO, STAND UP FOR MAHSELF
-> stands up for himself -> does this a bit too much -> looks like an ass
-> apologizes and feels extremely guilty about it, while the other person doesn't even care
-> back to doormat.

 

[sassafras]

Aww. I love you too.

But I'm not sure. I think I switch between moods.

It goes a bit like this:

-> Doormat -> realises this -> OH NO, STAND UP FOR MAHSELF
-> stands up for himself -> does this a bit too much -> looks like an ass
-> apologizes and feels extremely guilty about it, while the other person doesn't even care
-> back to doormat.

That made me laugh.

Gotta strike up a balance between those two extremes, though.

 

[Billy]

"nice guys" to me are guys who are suckers! They sacrifice their dignity and pride to get close to a girl then they lack the courage to make the move! How maddening is that? I find nice guys to be the most pretentious and manipulative of all males. They go through this elaborate hoax to convince a girl that they are this benevolent kind male who just wants to be close and be friends, when in reality he is just doing it so he can have sex with her. The more he believes the lie he puts on for her the more masochistically he will stick to it and defend it. Its much easier than facing the truth that he was wasting his time and he has no balls, he should have just been himself and made a move. Nice guys are suckers.

 

[Billy]

The way I see it, there are several types of 'nice' guys out there. Here are two that are the opposite ends of one spectrum:

There are the nice guys who are loyal, polite and sweet, with a good head on their shoulders. They treat everyone with respect, and approach conflict calmly and confidently. They keep themselves busy, but have friends and interests of their own. And this is the sort of man the majority of women would like to date. But alas, you really don't see this type of nice guy a lot.

As a male, I think this describes what men are supposed to be like. Its sad that that the standard is so low that this is considered "nice" unbelievable.

 

[Arg]

The way I see it, there are several types of 'nice' guys out there. Here are two that are the opposite ends of one spectrum:

There are the nice guys who are loyal, polite and sweet, with a good head on their shoulders. They treat everyone with respect, and approach conflict calmly and confidently. They keep themselves busy, but have friends and interests of their own. And this is the sort of man the majority of women would like to date. But alas, you really don't see this type of nice guy a lot.

That does seem awfully narrow of you, time to ween yourself off of the lovable geeky boyfriends presented in romantic comedies and grasp the reality that most introverts are a compromise between the two. We are fallible like anyone else.

 

[NaeturVindur]

I find this ironic:

MBTI: Hates Labels

GOD, you're all such T's!

but that's enough random comments from me in this thread.

With the Nice Guy/Jack Ass thing, I don't think that the deal is subconsciously seeking out asses. Instead, they're looking for a prevailing confidence. The problem is that every jackass out there is very self-confident, so women tend to be attracted to them.

Does this ring true to the women out there?

 

[Auburn]

"nice guys" to me are guys who are suckers! They sacrifice their dignity and pride to get close to a girl then they lack the courage to make the move! How maddening is that? I find nice guys to be the most pretentious and manipulative of all males. They go through this elaborate hoax to convince a girl that they are this benevolent kind male who just wants to be close and be friends, when in reality he is just doing it so he can have sex with her. The more he believes the lie he puts on for her the more masochistically he will stick to it and defend it. Its much easier than facing the truth that he was wasting his time and he has no balls, he should have just been himself and made a move. Nice guys are suckers.

I myself being a "nice guy" (not self proclaimed, but from being told by many) I must take issue with this. What you have described, I agree, is quite a foul species of male, but perhaps a better name for such a species would be a 'desperate guy'. Depth of character, courtesy, a healthy level of self-confidence and just downright a sense of dignity - can all be attributes of a nice guy.

Before you guys all paint every nice guys with the same brush, it's important to know that there are differences.

Beautiful post, and very true. Being nice is only one noble trait of many, thus a nice guy can lack many other attributes which are necessary to make an ideal mate. An ideal guy, imo, would be much more than just a nice guy; possessing dignity, confidence (yet humility), sincerity, true affection, drive, an interesting and dynamic personality, and many other traits.

 

[acd]

[QUOTE=N

 

[slant]

Sensitivity is nice but to a certain degree it's easy for nice guys to become way to emotional...in fact I've noticed most of the guys who hang near me are over emotional. Ergh, it's probably them all being teenagers, but I'd like some strong female personalities who know what they want and yet can compromise, and some level headed male personalities who reason and strive to improve things constantly.

 

[sassafras]

That does seem awfully narrow of you, time to ween yourself off of the lovable geeky boyfriends presented in romantic comedies and grasp the reality that most introverts are a compromise between the two. We are fallible like anyone else.

I would ask you to re-read my post carefully before you make such a scathing judgment about what I expect from a male. I did mention these were stereotypes.

 

[slant]

Hee,

expectations.

They are funny things.

 

[Arg]

I would ask you to re-read my post carefully before you make such a scathing judgment about what I expect from a male. I did mention these were stereotypes.

If you ever want to take a rousing ride on the Ray-Train I'll shoot you my digits.

 

[GaiaGraha]

That love cannot be defined scientifically.
I do believe that it cannot fully be articulated, in fact, language is really just too limited to actually describe the human experience. But that does not mean that we cannot define 'love' and the different facets of it. Describing the feeling can never match what the feeling really is in reality, but we can dissect "love".
IE: The three aspects/types of love:
Passion, Intimacy, and Companionship.
Love Relationships have different combinations of these.
And there is a lot of studies diverging from there.



YAY LOVE

 

[Solar Empath]

I agree that a lot of people wrongly believe in the nice+pushover vs. ass+confident dichotomy.

Then we look around us in real life and realize that many different types of people actually do exist: only the extreme points seem to register more in our minds. We remember the women walking all over the weak guys and the assholes treating their SOs like dirt and ignore the 50 other more normal couples.

It's kind of like the idea that only 'young thin beautiful successful people' find happiness. I look around and see plenty of couples that are none of these and yet they are happy together and love their lives.

I find for myself the only experientially true statement about love is that people are themselves with positives and negatives. It's only at a glance from a distance that people look like any of the stereotypes.

 

[Gaze]

That love cannot be defined scientifically.
I do believe that it cannot fully be articulated, in fact, language is really just too limited to actually describe the human experience. But that does not mean that we cannot define 'love' and the different facets of it. Describing the feeling can never match what the feeling really is in reality, but we can dissect "love".

Yep. Pretty true.

 

[The Jester]

[QUOTE=N