Can brutal honesty be cruelty

Brutal honesty is not brutality. Brutality is brutality. True honesty is pretty much the opposite of menace, and yet, human feelings are irrational and volatile and can be hurt anyway.

I think sometimes people use the phrase "I'm just being honest" to make up for the cruelty of their words, but, if you need to say that and lash out, clearly you are being cowardly and dishonest by masking your own emotional vulnerability. It's not quite cruelty. Sad makes bad.

In my opinion, one person's feelings are society's shared responsibility.
 
i'm having a bit of a time understanding what is considered being brutally honest. I am very direct and straightforward, so is this considered brutal too?
brutal isn't a suitable adjective to describe honesty or truthfulness at all. I feel it is a word used by those who are overly sensitive to being told what they don't want to hear.
 
JGirl said:
i'm having a bit of a time understanding what is considered being brutally honest. I am very direct and straightforward, so is this considered brutal too?
brutal isn't a suitable adjective to describe honesty or truthfulness at all. I feel it is a word used by those who are overly sensitive to being told what they don't want to hear.
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I don't think I've ever heard someone say, "You hurt my feelings. Why do you have to be so brutally honest?" This phrase is almost exclusively used by the person doing the "brutal honesty." What is it really? Unsolicited opinions, unwarranted comments, lack of tact, and general verbal inappropriateness that the speaker wants to excuse under the label of "honesty."

Often I think the same people who call themselves "brutally honest" only use this to wrap their opinions and still lie their asses off about everything else.
 
bagelriffic said:
I'm dealing with this issue more and more lately, hoping others will chime in on this one.

I can tell I feel defensive about speaking my truth right now, I mean why shouldn't I be allowed to voice my opinions about what's going on around me? It might hurt others but, in the spirit of honesty I don't really care. I feel like I put upwithalotofbullshit when it comes to other people and I don't want to. Furthermore I feel like if I don't say anything the situation won't change. Maybe what I'm saying is coming from a place of anger, but I'm not kidding myself about having the best intentions at heart when I tell them my interpretation of what's going on either.

With that said I'm afraid a lot lately, afraid of losing my job or a place to stay. It feels like theres a lot of pressure to not rock the boat in these situations and i dont know what to expect.

Some of this might sound harsh but its the truth of how i feel. I dont go out trying to find people to hurt, but im sick of biting my tongue when id rather speak my mind.
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From what you have written, is it safe to assume that you want to verbally unload on someone at work? If you know that being "brutally honest" is going to jeopardize your job status, which directly affects your finances, you should definitely think twice about being honest to the point of trying to intentionally hurt this person (which is really what being "brutally honest" is). And I'm not knocking brutal honesty. It has its place at times. But definitely not in this situation.

There are ways of expressing how you truly feel about something without trying to cause pain to the person on the receiving end. But I kind of get the feeling you actually really do want to hurt this person with your words. Again, if I am correct and it's a work thing, I would take a step back from the situation and really consider if it's truly worth it in the long run.

I see nothing wrong with you voicing your opinions (because silence is acceptance) but it needs to be done with tact, especially in the workplace. And because you don't know what to expect if you speak up. You don't want to give anyone the opportunity to turn this around on you to make you look like the bad guy...and that is what will happen if you present your opinions in the wrong manner. You will be the a-hole. Not them.

Just something to consider.
 
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sentientsixpence said:
I don't think I've ever heard someone say, "You hurt my feelings. Why do you have to be so brutally honest?" This phrase is almost exclusively used by the person doing the "brutal honesty." What is it really? Unsolicited opinions, unwarranted comments, lack of tact, and general verbal inappropriateness that the speaker wants to excuse under the label of "honesty."

Often I think the same people who call themselves "brutally honest" only use this to wrap their opinions and still lie their asses off about everything else.
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the way you explain it here I would agree with you
I have to say though that I've never heard anyone describe themselves as brutally honest. not to say no one ever has, it's just not in my experience
I've had someone say hey don't hold back, tell me how you really feel - in a sarcastic way of course - but that isn't because they necessarily feel i'm being brutal, just that my directness is often a surprise to people.
 
JGirl said:
the way you explain it here I would agree with you
I have to say though that I've never heard anyone describe themselves as brutally honest. not to say no one ever has, it's just not in my experience
I've had someone say hey don't hold back, tell me how you really feel - in a sarcastic way of course - but that isn't because they necessarily feel i'm being brutal, just that my directness is often a surprise to people.
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I agree that direct is not necessarily brutal and directness is something I would always encourage.
 
Not at all. If they get hurt, they're the one emotionally sensitive.
Usually brutal honesty is paired with being rude and unmannerly, due to an unawareness of social etiquette. Its intentions aren't malevolent, therefore, not cruel in any way. The intentions may have even been benign. Like a simple caring that the uneducated get their facts straight.
 
Cruel mind produces cruel results.

It's the context. If you're being honest to be vindictive, then yes it is cruel. Just as if I'm being kind to one to show another that I despise them by my conspicuous lack of caring about them, especially if I make sure they know it.


If brutal honesty will tear somebody up, and you know it will, and that's why you do it, then yes it is cruel. Otherwise, no.
 
sentientsixpence said:
I agree that direct is not necessarily brutal and directness is something I would always encourage.
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I appreciate directness when someone is communicating with me as well. it just cuts all the crap out and gets to the meat of the matter.
i have control of my emotions, so critical truths and opinions of others don't affect me all that negatively. i may not like what i hear, but i will still examine it for anything useful to me. if i feel stung or slighted that's beside the point. i take what is useful and disregard the rest.
you can only feel brutalized if you allow it. you can only feel anything if you allow it.
 
(Is it just me, or have there been a lot of thread resurrections lately?)

There is a difference between directness, insensitivity, and cruelty. In descending order of benevolence, they express precisely what is on one's mind, the situation(s) as seen without the lens of another, and a deliberate exclusion of others' circumstances that is intended to evoke discomfort or harm, typically to satiate the speaker's own emotional desires. Neither direct speech nor insensitivity are inherently bad; one simply gets to the heart of a situation and the other does so without obvious concern for how it comes across. Sometimes people do need to be spoken with bluntly (directness) and, other times, drawing personal boundaries regardless of others' perspectives is also necessary (insensitivity), particularly where social dynamics and power plays are concerned. Each avoids emotional manipulation. On the other hand, cruelty, the act of intentionally harming another person, is openly manipulative. It can be considered justifiable (but not necessarily permissible), as in the case of controlling, discomfiting, or harming another "for their own good", or it can be ego-indulging, a statement of superiority, dehumanization, and/or disregard.

Now, to address the question of whether 'brutal' honesty can be cruel. My answer: only if a vendetta comes into play. Otherwise, it boils down to emotional sensitivities that should be addressed and resolved separately. Ideally, everyone will develop a stable identity capable of separating well-intended, constructive criticism from demeaning input, but that is not likely; therefore, when given the chance, I think it is usually a good idea to keep others' life circumstances in mind when disclosing potentially discomfiting information. People respond to stress differently and, at times, it is best to reserve judgment for a time when it's easier to swallow. Regardless, self-esteem and defensive and coping mechanisms play a huge role and should be taken into account.

/0.02
 
When i first started doing more Angel and Tarot readings for people, i use to pick a card for myself at the beginning. The card i got over and over again was called 'Angel of Expression'
After a while i stopped bothering with choosing a card and simply focused on the energy of 'Angel of Expression'. i also try to draw this energy when i am having difficulty being honest in general with others.

This is the message on the card:

Angel of Expression
Speak you truth and express yourself clearly

There is something that you are not expressing, because you fear hurting someone you love or care for.

The Angel of Expression has showed up in your reading today to encourage you to speak your truth and express yourself clearly. Know that the truth, when spoken honestly, clearly and with Love, will never truly hurt anyone. Lack of self expression is soul destroying for all concerned and prevents life's natural flow. The Angel of Expression understands your fears reagrding this issue and ishere to help you through this difficult time. Allow her to help you find the courage to face the issues clearly. By expressing yourself honestly and clearly, this situation will heal in accordance with the highest good of all concerned. Yet do not try to pretdetermine or control the outcome. Trust- for the power that made you both, will heal you both
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- Toni Carmine Salerno

Honesty and truth are not the same thing. Truth takes a great degree of self awareness, it is subjective. Honesty is clearly expressing what your percieve and feel. Honest self expression and vindictive cruelty are not the same thing. It is hard to be honest with others if we are not honest with ourselves, and vice versa. We can not control how people will receive our message. What we can do is speak from a place of love and sincerity. Once we put it out there, its out of our hands and its up to the other person to receive it in the way they wish to. We see things as we are, not as they are. We cannot control how someone will react. Sometimes people are very defensive because they have a incongruent self concept. Sometimes people only want you to feed their ego and nuture their fragile self concept. They dont want honesty or tuth, they want to you to lie and say what they want to hear. Feeding into this comes from a place of fear, not love. Because the intention is -not hurting the person's feeling, making sure the person does not think poorly of me, having no faith in the person's ability to hear truth etc, rather than sharing your truth and having an honest loving interaction.

Being honest with others and receiving honesty from others is courageous. Being honest and recieving honesty is a gift. It requires us to be vulnerable. It requires and builds integrity, trust, respect and faith. I am honest with people because i respect them and i believe in them. I want them to be honest with me, so i try to practice what i preach. Sometimes this is very hard, and unpleasant. But..it means that i feel free, and that my interactions are real. The people that like me, like me for me, not some false idealised image. I would rather have quality sincere friendship than diluted fake relationships. I will pussy foot around an issue if i dont believe in the person's ability to handle the truth. But then.. the situation is not genuine or meaningful.

I expect complete honesty from people that i am close to. I want to know who people really are and what they really feel and think. Because i genuinely care about them, i will be honest even if there is a risk they will feel hurt. There is nothing that i cannot forgive. Lying is destructive and pointless if the intention is to have a sincere and empowering relationships.
Its like.. we all have cracks, we are all aware of these cracks to varying degrees. If we ignore the cracks because we too afraid to bring them up, this may cause more pain in the end when the structure collapses. And it can be upsetting when we learn that people could see the cracks and they never bothered saying anything, because it simply wasnt important enough to them. It is a loving kindness for someone to share their truth with me. It means that i am now aware of the crack and i now have the power to do something about it. It means i can see the situation from another perspective, that i know more than what i did before, it means that i can learn, and move foward.

The truth does set us free because it allows us to see things more clearly, it increases awareness. And i would rather have brutal horrible painful cruel honesty than nice lies
 
sookie said:
I thought about this and I wanted to post it as a separate thread. In the other honesty thread it is more related to ourselves. I want to broaden this to a discussion of honesty in general.

Have you ever heard:

The truth can set you free?

I have often thought about this in certain situations. I dont find this to be always true. But the idea of brutal honesty came up in the other thread. Is brutal honesty just telling the truth?. Can it be cruel? If you are telling the truth than are you responsible if the other person is hurt by it if it is the truth?
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In my life, I went from cruel honesty. To blunt honesty. To just being honest.

Yes ... Honesty can be cruel. And most words are superfluously unnecessary. Think before you speak is a cliche we often forget. The truth is, people often talk unnecessarily when they're afraid to do(feel). And those afraid to speak keep busy doing because they're afraid to(feel). It's balance. Balance is honest.

What will set you free is catching on to your own game. ;)

And understanding that if you scold another for washing up, (or assume superiority) then you are too busy talking falling behind your game.


The way towards balance is always only in seeking to centering yourself. Mistakes included. And THAT, Is Honest. Not cruel. Not blunt. Just gentle honest vulnerability.
 
Take it from an INTJ who didn't always know any better: yes! It certainly can be taken that way even if simple observation was the intent.
 
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