Cheating

[aeon]

I can have a number of different needs, and I do. That doesn’t mean I have a right to any of those things, not at all, and indeed, I do not.

I’m responsible for meeting those needs, and I can ask someone for help with that. But at the end of it all, those needs are mine, and mine alone, and having them is no privilege or right to anything.

Would you help me understand your perspective if I do understand it properly, that needs imply rights?


Thanks,
Ian

 

[Milktoast Bandit]

I don't agree, and I don't think this is a cause for which I should examine my own values and interior frameworks. I don't think that what is being described is needs, but rather I think that what is being described is personal priorities and expectations. Describing this kind of thing as needs-based puts it in the realm of something of a congenitally arising right, when it is not a right but a privilege to be in a relationship with another person. It suggests that a person was deprived of rights rather than that they willingly entered into an agreement and then for whatever reason they did not manage to maintain the terms of the agreement. I don't think a needs narrative applies to anyone, I think what applies is a fair and open negotiation about expectations and priorities. What do you want and expect out of this relationship? If these can't be met or are refused to be met, then the contract shouldn't be entered into. If a contract has been made and the agreement is not being fulfilled, then people should renegotiate the contract or end the contract, not covertly dishonour the terms of the agreement. I'm happy that there are multiple perspectives on this in the world and that we don't all agree. There need to be many ways of seeing something in order to achieve anything at all.

The needs narrative, as it's been called in this thread, has a history of helping couples recover from infidelity. Not all couples that attempt this approach recover, but enough do to validate it.

It clearly would not benefit you or your relationship(s). I agree with you 100% that cheating is bullshit. It is towards the top of the list of betrayals. There is no excuse for it. However, if couples wish to repair the relationship, it takes both partners. One of them cannot sit off to the side and say "Fuck off, conform to me."

 

[invisible]

The needs narrative, as it's been called in this thread, has a history of helping couples recover from infidelity. Not all couples that attempt this approach recover, but enough do to validate it.

It clearly would not benefit you or your relationship(s). I agree with you 100% that cheating is bullshit. It is towards the top of the list of betrayals. There is no excuse for it. However, if couples wish to repair the relationship, it takes both partners. One of them cannot sit off to the side and say "Fuck off, conform to me."

I haven't suggested that at all.

The needs narrative also has a history of use to enforce obedience in relationships, but I'm happy it is useful for some.

 

[Milktoast Bandit]

I haven't suggested that at

I know. I wasn't trying to say that you do or say that specifically, though it was based on your perspective of not needing to reevaluate your position in the relationship.

What you mention is clearly possible and probably proven. It is a reversal/abuse of power and a blatant misinterpretation of the approaches intent by one half of the couple or a therapist.

Recovery really depends on many factors. A willingness of both parties being one of them. This conversation has be great fun. We all clearly agree infidelity is shit. I'm assuming infidelity has been a part of all of our lives. Where we disagree is in the possibility of one method of recovery or whether recovery is possible or worthwhile at all. All individuals being unique as they are, there really is no right or wrong answer. Good stuff

 

[Stu]

from the daily mail
"'If you look at the studies into paternity, even conservative figures show that between eight and 15 per cent of children haven't been fathered by the man who thinks he's the biological parent"

 

[Vicarious]

I hope the OP doesn't think all INFPs are cheaters. I've never cheated, ever...but been cheated on multiple times. Like, nearly every relationship I have been in and my lack of trust stemming from being cheated on so many times ruined my only relationship where my partner was faithful. At this time, I haven't been in a relationship for 6 years, which is probably best since I have other things to focus on like my kids, work, and university. Still, I'm not of the mindset that all men are cheaters or dogs or whatever...apparently, I just don't usually attract the good ones (or any at all, lately).

Maybe I'm weird, but I don't consider sex a basic "need". For most people, I acknowledge that it's important for their psychological well-being, but no one has ever died from a lack of sex unlike the other basic needs of air, water, sleep, etc. So, I think the excuse of "I have needs" that people use to defend cheating is absolute bullshit and utterly selfish. If your "needs" are not being met by your partner, then you either need to work out a compromise, or you need to end it and move on.