Cheating

[TK*]

I'm not going to preach to anyone who has cheated, nor am I making any kind of personal attack, I'm just going to state my opinion on the matter.

I started this thread because I thought that as INFJs we would be a lot more...I dunno...true to our beliefs than most types--that we wouldn't let something like lust or unhappiness sway our value systems. INFJs seem more principled, y'know? And I think all of us believe cheating on a monogamous partner is wrong...so it's somewhat disappointing to read that some of us here have cheated.

Perhaps I'm too idealistic.

At least in my world, I've seen cheating destroy families. I guess I'm so offended by it because my parents cheated on each other--remarried--and still cheat on their new spouses! I believe that once you have that in you to cheat on someone, you will ALWAYS be a cheater. I've yet to see someone who cheats, stop cheating. I would never date/marry someone who cheated on their past SOs because that person obviously doesn't know how to be monogamous. What chances do our relationship have if I'm with someone who can't be faithful?

Anyone else agree?

 

[ZenCat]

I'm not going to preach to anyone who has cheated, nor am I making any kind of personal attack, I'm just going to state my opinion on the matter.

I started this thread because I thought that as INFJs we would be a lot more...I dunno...true to our beliefs than most types--that we wouldn't let something like lust or unhappiness sway our value systems. INFJs seem more principled, y'know? And I think all of us believe cheating on a monogamous partner is wrong...so it's somewhat disappointing to read that some of us here have cheated.

Perhaps I'm too idealistic.

At least in my world, I've seen cheating destroy families. I guess I'm so offended by it because my parents cheated on each other--remarried--and still cheat on their new spouses! I believe that once you have that in you to cheat on someone, you will ALWAYS be a cheater. I've yet to see someone who cheats, stop cheating. I would never date/marry someone who cheated on their past SOs because that person obviously doesn't know how to be monogamous. What chances do our relationship have if I'm with someone who can't be faithful?

Anyone else agree?

Yes, I agree. I've made my feelings on cheating known already.

My father cheated on my mother, left her when I was a year old telling her he had never wanted children, then married his mistress... who had six kids. I don't know if he cheated on her in their 20 years of marriage, but I do know she cheated on him.

Whatever.

I wouldn't put myself in that situation knowingly, and if I was forced into it, I'd get out of it.

 

[arbygil]

My father ended up cheating on my mother because he didn't want to reveal his sexual orientation - but he still wanted a child of his own. Mom said their relationship was wonderful before marriage, and it was even better while she was pregnant with me. Then after I was born...all their sexual activity stopped. I'm sure Mom probably had an inkling, but she didn't want to believe it.

But she stumbled on the truth by accident, sho'nuff.

I think every spouse must have clear lines of communication. It's important to be fully honest with ones spouse, and I think we should enter into relationships with our intuitions wide open. The problem with cheating is it hurts far more than the cheater. And the retaliation usually breeds...you guessed it, more cheating. Either that, or folks end up having an extremely jaded view of relationships in general.

Neither aspect is a healthy one.

 

[HolySmoke]

Cheating is a serious indicator that there is trouble in the relationship and the energy invested in pursuing a full throttled affair would always be better served by salvaging the existing one instead. By the time most people figure that out it is too late.

The women in our family believe, they'll leave you the way they loved you. In other words, if someone cheats in a relationship to pursue a new one, chances are usually high that they will do the same to the next one they left you for.

I dated a guy in my 20's that was a serial womanizer. He was so suave, although I knew he couldn't be trusted, but I couldn't catch him so I was never 100% sure. I'm just thankful that I didn't marry him because it would have never worked and my life would have been hell. The woman he ended up marrying looked a lot like me. I just wanted to say, RUN. RUN AWAY, while you are still young. Actually, the day I found out that he was sleeping with half the town I did something I'm secretly, until today, proud of...He approached me when I was sitting down and I planted my foot into his stomach and kicked him clear across the room. He kind of slid down the wall. It shocked us both. I know, it was rather violent. I don't know where I got the strength. Neither did he. But, it was over. Anyway, he was basically taught from his daddy, who did it to his mommy, who looked the other way. He wasn't smart enough to break the family ways. No longer my problem.

 

[alcyone]

SWEET! HS is actually a closet Ninja!

Anyhow, I am conflicted on cheating. What it means, what it is etc, what it signifies. Where do we cross the line? When does something cross the line. I am fairly flirtaous. But when it all boils down, flirting is all it is. My hubby is the same way. Very flirtaous. I am not concerned about his cheating, I've already spelled out the cost of such a transgression, and it's more than he's willing to pay. Basically, if he cheats, I am taking his credit card the same day I find out and getting my African Grey Parrot. Rather than waiting until he is a year or two out from retirement. I won't even hold it against him...he'll be reminded of his transgressions everyday while he watchs me cuddle my bird rather than him.

I have some suspicions. There are some things that just don't quite add up. But since I can't prove anything I am not going to drive a wedge into our relationship by asking, and digging etc. Some girls get so heated up about cheating that they sometimes drive their partners away.

Not that I am excusing anything but I understand the feelings such persecution can engender.

Now on the other hand....what if I was rendered unable to have sex. By way of horrific injury resulting in paralysis or something. Would it be fair of me to expect my virile husband to live completely celebite (for the rest of my life)because I can no longer engage in intimate relations?

I can understand the lure that a different bed partner poses. I've felt that temptation, and although I've had lots of oppurtunities, I want my life as it is right now.....with my husband and my kids....than I want a boy toy. I mean really, sex is sex. There are some variations blah blah blah....but really. No one out there can do anything that he can't do.

I think cheating is more selfishly motivated than anything else.

 

[ohmermaid]

i've never cheated on any of my boyfriends. flirted with others while i was upset with him, yeah. i've done that. i also will freely admit to it. but the flirting never got to a point where i would contact this person afterwards, or kiss or have sex or anything of the sort. i feel terrible about even flirting as a sort of "revenge", tbh.

but sleeping around, or dating someone while i was with someone else - i just couldn't do it. i don't see what the hassle is with dumping someone before you go out with someone else.

 

[Thoth]

I'm not going to preach to anyone who has cheated, nor am I making any kind of personal attack, I'm just going to state my opinion on the matter.

I started this thread because I thought that as INFJs we would be a lot more...I dunno...true to our beliefs than most types--that we wouldn't let something like lust or unhappiness sway our value systems. INFJs seem more principled, y'know? And I think all of us believe cheating on a monogamous partner is wrong...so it's somewhat disappointing to read that some of us here have cheated.

Perhaps I'm too idealistic.

At least in my world, I've seen cheating destroy families. I guess I'm so offended by it because my parents cheated on each other--remarried--and still cheat on their new spouses! I believe that once you have that in you to cheat on someone, you will ALWAYS be a cheater. I've yet to see someone who cheats, stop cheating. I would never date/marry someone who cheated on their past SOs because that person obviously doesn't know how to be monogamous. What chances do our relationship have if I'm with someone who can't be faithful?

Anyone else agree?

While INFJ's are more idealistic and try their absolute hardest to keep to them, you have to factor in the possibility of the Shadow messing things up. One of the traits of the INFJ Shadow is acting in ways that totally contradict the moral guidelines of the conscious self. So if a person was sufficiently weakend (psychologically speaking) from stress, unhappiness, whatever might get them down... they could do it.

Even every one of you that said "no never" about it. In fact, I'd say your actions would probably be more extreme in the event that the shadow emerged for any period of time due to the level that you deny the possibility of such actions. This wasn't meant to be an attack of any kind, just playing the devil's advocate like I always do.

 

[Duty]

While INFJ's are more idealistic and try their absolute hardest to keep to them, you have to factor in the possibility of the Shadow messing things up. One of the traits of the INFJ Shadow is acting in ways that totally contradict the moral guidelines of the conscious self. So if a person was sufficiently weakend (psychologically speaking) from stress, unhappiness, whatever might get them down... they could do it.

Even every one of you that said "no never" about it. In fact, I'd say your actions would probably be more extreme in the event that the shadow emerged for any period of time due to the level that you deny the possibility of such actions. This wasn't meant to be an attack of any kind, just playing the devil's advocate like I always do.

This is so true. When I'm under a lot of stress I will let my thinking guard down and sometimes act childish, sometimes just plain cry in frustration. What's bad is when this becomes an often occurring thing (it has for me lately tbh :/).

I've never let my Ti down enough to become violent though. I'm so opposed to violence I don't know if I could be brought to the point of physically hurting another person. I doubt I could ever freely make that choice.

 

[MyPetZombie]

I'm not going to preach to anyone who has cheated, nor am I making any kind of personal attack, I'm just going to state my opinion on the matter.

I started this thread because I thought that as INFJs we would be a lot more...I dunno...true to our beliefs than most types--that we wouldn't let something like lust or unhappiness sway our value systems. INFJs seem more principled, y'know? And I think all of us believe cheating on a monogamous partner is wrong...so it's somewhat disappointing to read that some of us here have cheated.

Perhaps I'm too idealistic.

At least in my world, I've seen cheating destroy families. I guess I'm so offended by it because my parents cheated on each other--remarried--and still cheat on their new spouses! I believe that once you have that in you to cheat on someone, you will ALWAYS be a cheater. I've yet to see someone who cheats, stop cheating. I would never date/marry someone who cheated on their past SOs because that person obviously doesn't know how to be monogamous. What chances do our relationship have if I'm with someone who can't be faithful?

Anyone else agree?

I think it really depends on why the person cheated. I find cheating to be symptomatic of a problem within the relationship, and if the person can't or won't resolve it, they'll look elsewhere. It could be sex, it could be understanding, it could be excitement, romance, whatever. To me it's much more devastating if a person cheats because they are in love than if they merely want a shag. However, generally speaking, if a person cheats simply for sex or excitement, they'll tend to do it more than once.

Whatever the reason, my own *personal* belief is that if I can't resolve the issue within my own relationship, I have no business dragging some poor sod into my life until I'm out of it. Well out of it.

 

[ohmermaid]

guess it's something i'll have to prove to myself

 

[msjeenee]

While married I had the opportunity to cheat. My husband never would have known. I didn't do it.

For me, though, I need to have some sort of emotional connection with a person (which takes quite a bit of time and interaction) before jumpin' into bed with them.

Or...maybe I'd have to be really, REALLY messed up in the head and in a very destructive mode in order to cheat.

 

[FC3S]

"Cheating seems to be such a relavent term only when one is caught in the act. Otherwise it is viewed as intelligence no?"

 

[Reon]

While married I had the opportunity to cheat. My husband never would have known. I didn't do it.

For me, though, I need to have some sort of emotional connection with a person (which takes quite a bit of time and interaction) before jumpin' into bed with them.

Or...maybe I'd have to be really, REALLY messed up in the head and in a very destructive mode in order to cheat.

I find cheating morally reprehensible, but I 'think' the only real thing stopping me from that is what is bolded above. It takes me a while to 'make' a relationship with something, and that's when I decide to put effort into it.

 

[Ender612]

"Cheating seems to be such a relavent term only when one is caught in the act. Otherwise it is viewed as intelligence no?"

No, not really. Especially not in these circumstances. In something like total war, maybe it could be viewed as intelligence.

I'm with ZenCat on this one. It has to do with Honour. For some reason, even though I'm American (kind of), I really like spelling Honour with the u.

And I think cheating is a huge violation of trust. It makes me angry...and sad, but more angry than sad...

 

[slant]

I thought all men cheated...?
I know that's biased, but it's really what I've thought for a long time. Media's sort of a fucker when it comes to showing cheating women. And I have known girls who have cheated. I just always assumed that if someone cheated you'd have a discussion about it to see what needs to happen next. Honestly, if someone needs to have sex that badly they should just leave. I don't want them >.<

 

[moonbabyam]

Cheating is a common occurance in my life. Cheating will prevent me from marrying someone, and it already prevents me from even trusting my current bf of 2 years. Or anyone else for that matter. Cheating is evil, if you can't work it out or end it BEFORE it happens then just count on karma biting you in the ass. Those sorts of things are never with out serious consequence. Ugh, it breaks my heart and scares me to think I could let myself fall in love with someone, expose myself and then have it not valued and underminded in the realm of communication. Isn't that what its all about???

 

[Motor Jax]

hence the reason i am divorced... both my ex's cheated, so i thought i would retaliate... and it didn't work...

but my 2nd ex, i actually put over 2 yrs of effort into that one only to have my child ripped from my life and now my career blemished...

the reason i won't get married again is; why would i want to put myself thru that again?

if only i could take back the last 11 yrs, i would have no children and would have thought very hard about marriage...

i turn 30 next month and i've already made up my mind to not marry again...

bitter much? yes...

 

[Solus]

I may be too idealistic but if I were in a marriage or any other relationship and felt that I needed to be with someone else - even if I thought that this is not likely to be a long-term affair - I think the least I could do is go to my partner and admit that I am attracted to someone else. Any other way of going about things whereby my partner is left permanently or temporarily unaware of my infidelity classifies me in my eyes as total scum. Also, if in a marriage, I think I would wonder how on earth did I end up questioning the promise of a life-long commitment to my partner.
Conversely if on the receiving end I would expect my partner to tell me the truth, let me pick up the pieces and - if on either side there is a conviction that our relationship cannot be salvaged - allow me to move on.

 

[slant]

I may be too idealistic but if I were in a marriage or any other relationship and felt that I needed to be with someone else - even if I thought that this is not likely to be a long-term affair - I think the least I could do is go to my partner and admit that I am attracted to someone else. Any other way of going about things whereby my partner is left permanently or temporarily unaware of my infidelity classifies me in my eyes as total scum. Also, if in a marriage, I think I would wonder how on earth did I end up questioning the promise of a life-long commitment to my partner.
Conversely if on the receiving end I would expect my partner to tell me the truth, let me pick up the pieces and - if on either side there is a conviction that our relationship cannot be salvaged - allow me to move on.

:thumb:
That's real communication.

 

[BrentonKasselder]

Cheating.....?

I thought this was a new thread...