Comfortable sadness...

May said:
aw thats sad, but thankyou for sharing, i don't think you're destined to be anything you don't want to be. i also think subconsciously alot of people do things that make their situations worse because they believe deep down they don't don't deserve better.
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Agreed...Which is kinda where this thread went...I didnt want this to be all about me...it kinda turned that way...So please keep going...
 
Entyqua said:
Agreed...Which is kinda where this thread went...I didnt want this to be all about me...it kinda turned that way...So please keep going...
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so why do you think people do this? i mean, where exactly does the feeling of comfort in sadness come from?

i'm thinking maybe it's got something to do with the way we grew up, how we were treated as children and what we leaned to expect as children. it's like, as adults, we secretly hold those same expectations, and in some ways react to things in the same way. isn't there a doc who said once: give me the four year old and i'll show you the forty year old? meaning, people don't change that much from their childhood personalities, at a basic level. maybe all of us share a common experience that made us not expect happiness too often
 
hmmm...We've touched on a few things, specifically INFJ's and their relationship to the need for closeness, comfort, and stability...The need to feel safe and secure...And being the lonely type that we are, sadness seems to be a staple regardless of our childhood experience.
 
Entyqua said:
"I'm good enough, I'm strong enough, and doggonnit, people like me!"
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Hah! I know that was a joke, but I wanted to make a quick note. That statement is still 'me' and not 'I.' Notice how laden it is with social context.

'I' doesn't need good or bad, that is all relative to a social constraints. You are you. You can do things that are considered good or bad to others, but you exist, and you have needs. Sometimes the needs of others will conflict with your own. If someone insists that you give up your needs for theirs, then they are implying their needs are more valuable than your own. Now, outside the context of what the 'right' or 'wrong' thing to do is in a situation like this, there is only weighing of your needs versus their needs.

Just because someone attempts to elicit a negative emotion of shame or guilt from you doesn't mean you need to oblige to their demands.
 
NeverAmI said:
Hah! I know that was a joke, but I wanted to make a quick note. That statement is still 'me' and not 'I.' Notice how laden it is with social context.

'I' doesn't need good or bad, that is all relative to a social constraints. You are you. You can do things that are considered good or bad to others, but you exist, and you have needs. Sometimes the needs of others will conflict with your own. If someone insists that you give up your needs for theirs, then they are implying their needs are more valuable than your own. Now, outside the context of what the 'right' or 'wrong' thing to do is in a situation like this, there is only weighing of your needs versus their needs.

Just because someone attempts to elicit a negative emotion of shame or guilt from you doesn't mean you need to oblige to their demands.
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You just described my mother...she is always more important than me...

You're right it was a joke, but it was all I could think of...I dont know how to weigh out my worth...I have to learn what makes me valuable...
 
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Entyqua said:
You just described my mother...she is always more important than me...

You're right it was a joke, but it was all I could think of...I dont know how to weigh out my worth...I have to learn what makes me valuable...
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Yep, struggle with this too. It's hard though and sometimes it feels like an exercise in futility. It's difficult telling yourself positive things when all you can think of is the negative. Self esteem is a very difficult thing to maneuver - for some, it comes easily, for others it's a lifelong struggle and can't be had just like that. It takes work and effort (funny enough). I'm just learning this right now. I often have to try harder to see the good things when I see so much of the negative. But keep on keeping on is what i say. Don't sit in the negative mindset (which is what i did for a long time). Even if it means writing out a few mantras dealing with self acceptance (which I've done) on occasion, self esteem may be helped.

Edit:

Or you could do what I do . . . just look in the mirror and say,

"HOT DAMN I'M BEAUTIFUL!!!"
 
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^ some people say everyone's infinitely valuable because they're human beings, and no person's worth more or less than anyone else. do you agree with that?
 
Restraint said:
Yep, struggle with this too. It's hard though and sometimes it feels like an exercise in futility. It's difficult telling yourself positive things when all you can think of is the negative. Self esteem is a very difficult thing to maneuver - for some, it comes easily, for others it's a lifelong struggle and can't be had just like that. It takes work and effort (funny enough). I'm just learning this right now. I often have to try harder to see the good things when I see so much of the negative. But keep on keeping on is what i say. Don't sit in the negative mindset (which is what i did for a long time). Even if it means writing out a few mantras dealing with self acceptance (which I've done) on occasion, self esteem may be helped.
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yea you're right...I know i need to work on my self esteem issues...
 
May said:
^ some people say everyone's infinitely valuable because they're human beings, and no person's worth more or less than anyone else. do you agree with that?
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Sure I can wrap my head around that...but I have always held others value above my own, and thats obviously what I need to work on.
 
Entyqua said:
Sure I can wrap my head around that...but I have always held others value above my own, and thats obviously what I need to work on.
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yeah i should work on that to.. though i don't really feel others are more valuable, i just think i'm not doing good enough, i should be working harder, should be more focused, more efficient.. a better person. its hard to accept yourself as you are sometimes, isn't it?
 
Entyqua said:
You just described my mother...she is always more important than me...

You're right it was a joke, but it was all I could think of...I dont know how to weigh out my worth...I have to learn what makes me valuable...
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You are the source of your own existence, that is intrinsic worth. It is less about proving your worth and rather just opening your eyes to what was always there. You deserve to grow, to be happy in life regardless of your situation, to live your life without consistently worrying about what is right or wrong in the eyes of others. I am not saying to not weigh the rights/wrongs/needs of others, especially family. I am simply saying to understand the scope and that there is more than just other people.

You have to live with yourself more than anyone else, might as well make the most of it.
 
NeverAmI said:
You are the source of your own existence, that is intrinsic worth. It is less about proving your worth and rather just opening your eyes to what was always there. You deserve to grow, to be happy in life regardless of your situation, to live your life without consistently worrying about what is right or wrong in the eyes of others. I am not saying to not weigh the rights/wrongs/needs of others, especially family. I am simply saying to understand the scope and that there is more than just other people.

You have to live with yourself more than anyone else, might as well make the most of it.
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Dude....you are like all deep n stuff today...You could totally be my oracle...Can I rub your head????:m033:

So you're saying I was always awesome, but just cant see it?

EDIT: i feel narcissistic just saying that...I hate that feeling...and that feeling is tying in with the Smokin hot thread...I feel sick inside...

SO question...Why do we feel so AWFUL about affirming our own worth, and so good about affirming others???
 
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Entyqua said:
Dude....you are like all deep n stuff today...You could totally be my oracle...
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*Hides fortune cookies*

Totally!

Can I rub your head????:m033:
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Yes.

So you're saying I was always awesome, but just cant see it?
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HELL YEA!

Why do we feel so AWFUL about affirming our own worth, and so good about affirming others???
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Because your personal validation was repeatedly denied over a long period of time. It is a fear mechanism because whenever you would exercise independence it was most likely met with negative responses. Not 100% on that but one way of looking at it.
 
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Entyqua said:
Dude....you are like all deep n stuff today...You could totally be my oracle...Can I rub your head????:m033:

So you're saying I was always awesome, but just cant see it?

EDIT: i feel narcissistic just saying that...I hate that feeling...and that feeling is tying in with the Smokin hot thread...I feel sick inside...

SO question...Why do we feel so AWFUL about affirming our own worth, and so good about affirming others???
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Because we feel we don't deserve it? We feel as if we haven't earned the right to say, feel, or even think those things. We put unnecessary pressure on ourselves to be perfect and until we feel we've achieved this perfection, we think we are unworthy.
 
Restraint said:
Because we feel we don't deserve it? We feel as if we haven't earned the right to say, feel, or even think those things. We put unnecessary pressure on ourselves to be perfect and until we feel we've achieved this perfection, we think we are unworthy.
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well there is no arguing that...

Damn...ya know we INFJ's are one messed up buncha kids...We need to own it, but cant cuz we arent perfect...
 
Entyqua said:
SO question...Why do we feel so AWFUL about affirming our own worth, and so good about affirming others???
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its weird to praise yourself, because others might not see you in that way, theres a chance of looking arrogant

affirming others is probably easier because ..... you know others less than you know yourself and therefore can focus on only their good sides? *shrugs*
 
Entyqua said:
well there is no arguing that...

Damn...ya know we INFJ's are one messed up buncha kids...We need to own it, but cant cuz we arent perfect...
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Nope. We don't own it NOT because we aren't perfect but because we think we're not good enough. As NAI said, it's about affirming what's already there, rather than what we think isn't there.
 
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