[INFJ] Do INFJs hold often hold grudges when hurt badly or are they forgiving?

JJJA said:
I only hold grudges against people that continually lie to themselves and those around them about who they are, and wish to artificially masquerade as nice people, when in actual-fact they are very callous and nasty people. I also hold grudges against those with specific ideas (Like blowing up buildings for the sake of overblown fairy-tales that seem to be accepted as popular belief systems) that threaten to hurt people. For example: I hold a personal grudge against all fundamentalist groups for the murders and violence they inflict upon people and for brainwashing, force-converting and attempting genocide on populations. This grudge has led me to wish that our war in Afghanistan should have been fought much more ruthlessly.

Appendix: I know I am not an INFJ, but it's nice to get a perspective from other types, right?
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It doesn't make you exhausted holding all that grudge?
 
I used to hold grudges, especially when emotional scars bear their marks. But, I reached a certain age and realized that a lifetime IS NOT forever, and I do not wish to live the rest of my time on this beautiful planet filled with so much anger and hate. I started letting go of all that negativity I was hanging on to. And it has made me a much happier person in the long run. Thankfully I have never been in a situation that required much hate to begin with. The usual heartbreak, of course. But some things cut much much deeper than a broken heart. Murder of a loved one, rape, etc... these are probably things that, if personally and directly affected by, would be unforgivable. I don't know that I would be able to let go of things of such negative magnitude.
 
JJJA said:
... I also hold grudges against those with specific ideas (Like blowing up buildings for the sake of overblown fairy-tales that seem to be accepted as popular belief systems) that threaten to hurt people. For example: I hold a personal grudge against all fundamentalist groups for the murders and violence they inflict upon people and for brainwashing, force-converting and attempting genocide on populations. This grudge has led me to wish that our war in Afghanistan should have been fought much more ruthlessly.

Appendix: I know I am not an INFJ, but it's nice to get a perspective from other types, right?
Click to expand...

That is a thought provoking perspective. I have to say I feel angry towards groups who hurt people this way. Holding grudges towards them is more difficult. After all, you turn on the TV news every night and some group or individual somewhere in the world has done something horrible to others. Every day, year after year after year... That's a lot of grudges for one person to handle in a whole lifetime!
 
I'm not one for holding grudges. I enjoy the freedom that comes from soaring high on life. Of course I get angry, frustrated and have the occasional outbursts but it's very temporary and short lived (normally I'll have a rant with myself, chat to hubby/friend or post here and then I'm done). For serious offenders, the process may take a bit longer but the end result is always the same - I move on relatively quickly and won't allow a grudge to harbour in my spirit. I've had some horrible and unhealthy experiences in my life but I thank God that those negative incidents haven’t shattered me to the point of not being able to forgive and move on….of course I don’t forget…I just don’t give the emotions power to have any hold over my life.

My ideal scenario and preference would be (in every case and where possible), I try to engage with the person and seek to resolve any issues. For toxic people, I maintain strict boundaries. If trust is broken then I’ll have a conversation with them about it (again where possible) and then they are on my “keep at a distance” list. Again, I won't hold a grudge and I won't allow them to occupy space in my head.

I prefer to use what little emotional energy I have into doing something productive and fulfilling. For me, it just serves no purpose other than to make me sick inside. I don't want things to breed and mutate into other emotional pitfalls in my life. Life is much too short. I pray for myself to be free, forgive — first and foremost for myself and then for the other person. I try to understand/examine what took place and why etc and then then look at the choices and make a conscious decision to move on.

I had a breakthrough regarding this area only a week ago which has really transformed my thinking by looking at the reasons why I even get angry. :m096:
 
Xroads said:
I used to hold grudges, especially when emotional scars bear their marks. But, I reached a certain age and realized that a lifetime IS NOT forever, and I do not wish to live the rest of my time on this beautiful planet filled with so much anger and hate. I started letting go of all that negativity I was hanging on to. And it has made me a much happier person in the long run. Thankfully I have never been in a situation that required much hate to begin with. The usual heartbreak, of course. But some things cut much much deeper than a broken heart. Murder of a loved one, rape, etc... these are probably things that, if personally and directly affected by, would be unforgivable. I don't know that I would be able to let go of things of such negative magnitude.
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I see your point of course, but I don't think holding a grudge necessarily means being "filled with so much anger and hate." Example: my mother was badly abusive to me. It was extreme. I resent her and am still upset about what she did to me when I think about it. But I am not actively angry and certainly not full of hate, if that makes sense. I am even somewhat sad for her that she is likely in the early stages of dementia and is in many respects pathetic. I have taken it upon myself to make sure that she has the live-in help she needs so that she won't have to live in a nursing home yet. But I certainly resent her for what what she did to me. I have not seen or spoken to her in years and likely may never again. The opposite of love is not hate. I consider a grudge to be the keeping in mind sans forgiveness the bad acts someone has perpetuated against you. This does not have to include hate. As a matter of fact, it can be quite self-protective, and even self-respecting, to remember with some feeling why you should have nothing to do with someone.
 
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I don't hold grudges against anyone. I believe that holding grudges will only harm my own emotional state, and the person I hold the grudge against would be perfectly fine. So while they're all fine and dandy, I'm putting myself in a cage of anger whenever I see or think of that person.
I just choose to forgive and move on, and this ties in with my faith in Christ. Forgiving others is just better for everyone.
 
Isn't a door slam a form of a grudge? If so then yes.
 
Holding a grudge is like holding a wound open to remind yourself and the other person of the harm that was done. Oddly enough it also prevents the wound from healing. It also allows one to sprinkle a lot of salt in it which usually looks like the development of resentment, cynicism and trust issues. It actually makes the situation worse.

I think there is a difference between deciding to keep someone at bay because they no longer work for the life you are trying to live for yourself and actively resenting them and harbouring negative thoughts towards them.

I've seen people hold grudges for things big and small and all it does is make them bitter and isolated.
 
SpecialEdition said:
Holding a grudge is like holding a wound open to remind yourself and the other person of the harm that was done. Oddly enough it also prevents the wound from healing. It also allows one to sprinkle a lot of salt in it which usually looks like the development of resentment, cynicism and trust issues. It actually makes the situation worse.

I think there is a difference between deciding to keep someone at bay because they no longer work for the life you are trying to live for yourself and actively resenting them and harbouring negative thoughts towards them.

I've seen people hold grudges for things big and small and all it does is make them bitter and isolated.
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I definitely see your point, and it's pretty much what I try to do. However, holding someone at bay (particularly say a close family member) is largely seen as holding a grudge.
 
PintoBean said:
I definitely see your point, and it's pretty much what I try to do. However, holding someone at bay (particularly say a close family member) is largely seen as holding a grudge.
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I think of a grudge as actively resenting a person and having a lot of negative associations with them. A grudge to me is a lot more acute than simply deciding that this person doesn't fit in the framework of your life anymore.

I have a lot of people that I no longer keep in my life for various reasons but I don't feel anything bad about them. To me that's not a grudge, it's just moving forward without someone.
 
SpecialEdition said:
I think of a grudge as actively resenting a person and having a lot of negative associations with them. A grudge to me is a lot more acute than simply deciding that this person doesn't fit in the framework of your life anymore.

I have a lot of people that I no longer keep in my life for various reasons but I don't feel anything bad about them. To me that's not a grudge, it's just moving forward without someone.
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Yes, but deciding someone doesn't fit the framework of your life anymore, as in the case of say close family member, is not the same as just saying "I don't like lentils anymore, so I will no longer purchase or have them around." It can only be seen as saying that you have bad feelings about them and don't want them around, which is essentially true for most people who kick a non-peripheral person out of their lives. It's not hateful and full of hot anger they way some disputes are, but you can't authentically remove the grudge factor from removing someone from your life. If you felt nothing bad about someone, then there's no reason why they have to be kicked out. I've come to accept that eliminating toxic people from my life will only be taken as a hostile, grudge filled action. I can't completely deny this factor in that the action of cutting someone out doesn't stem from good feelings and positive associations.
 
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SpecialEdition said:
I think of a grudge as actively resenting a person and having a lot of negative associations with them. A grudge to me is a lot more acute than simply deciding that this person doesn't fit in the framework of your life anymore.

I have a lot of people that I no longer keep in my life for various reasons but I don't feel anything bad about them. To me that's not a grudge, it's just moving forward without someone.
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So if the person spontaneously decides to pursue forgiveness and to move in the same direction you are, you will forgive them and let them back into your life, right?
 
SpecialEdition said:
Holding a grudge is like holding a wound open to remind yourself and the other person of the harm that was done. Oddly enough it also prevents the wound from healing. It also allows one to sprinkle a lot of salt in it which usually looks like the development of resentment, cynicism and trust issues. It actually makes the situation worse.

I think there is a difference between deciding to keep someone at bay because they no longer work for the life you are trying to live for yourself and actively resenting them and harbouring negative thoughts towards them.

I've seen people hold grudges for things big and small and all it does is make them bitter and isolated.
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I like what you said. Everything you said is true. It still takes a lot of work to live according to the truths you mentioned.
 
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