[INFJ] Do INFJs hold often hold grudges when hurt badly or are they forgiving?

PintoBean said:
Yes, but deciding someone doesn't fit the framework of your life anymore, as in the case of say close family member, is not the same as just saying "I don't like lentils anymore, so I will no longer purchase or have them around." It can only seen as saying that you have bad feelings about them and don't want them around, which is essentially true for most people who kick a non-peripheral person out of their lives. It's not hateful and full of hot anger they way some disputes are, but you can't authentically remove the grudge factor from removing someone from your life. If you felt nothing bad about someone, then there's no reason why they have to be kicked out. I've come to accept that eliminating toxic people from my life will only be taken as a hostile, grudge filled action. I can't completely deny this factor in that the action of cutting someone out, doesn't stem from good feelings and positive associations.
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I've cut a lot of people out in my life. Some of them I have actively shut out because they were toxic... People I'd been very close to for a number of years. Sometimes it gets to a point where it's just not worth the investment to maintain a relationship with them. I don't really consider it a grudge. It's just recognizing when a relationship doesn't work anymore. I think it can start as being aggressive, hateful, angry, negative but I think at some point people owe it to themselves to let it go. I don't think that means you have to let them back in, but there should be a level of civility if possible. I think the grudge stage fades for most people. If it's held long term that's just a person doing it to themselves at some point and they probably need some therapy to move past it. Maybe my definition of what it means to hold a grudge is different than how must people see it. To me it just means holding onto things over a long time and not allowing one's self to progress from an incident or series of incidents over time... To me a grudge is a delay in the healing process.

Toxic people are always going have a hostile or aggressive element to them. That's why it's toxic. I find with truly toxic people there's almost nothing that you can do or say to change the relationship to something positive and in some cases it is essential for BOTH parties to cut the relationship off. Sometimes after a while people can grow and be in each other's lives again but I have found that most toxic people (in my own life) are simply repeat offenders and even if I forgive them and let them back in their patterns repeat. I don't hold a grudge against them at that point nor do I really feel anything negative towards them. It's just an indication that the relationship simply can't work.

I sometimes thing personal relationships for many people get a bit too complicated for my liking.
 
the said:
So if the person spontaneously decides to pursue forgiveness and to move in the same direction you are, you will forgive them and let them back into your life, right?
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I think it depends on the nature of the offence and I also think it's subjective. I've had people do bad things to me but the behaviour was a byproduct of their own fuckedupness. I forgave it if the person actively tried to grow from the experience. After repeat offences I cut the person out. It does no good to me or to the other person to begin enabling whatever behaviour causes strain between us. If it's better for me to not have them in my life, I will cut them out. I don't hold onto that for long because in my mind the incident is over.

Obviously in some cases it is more difficult - for example the whole situation I had with the person that pretend to be someone they weren't. That was a very deep betrayal and it took me longer to overcome than I would like. I do not allow this person back in my life even though I have healed and moved on, but that's not because I hold a grudge against them. It's simply because the kind of person she is and the patterns of behaviours she has had over her life have shown me that the same kind of incidents will surface over time and in different ways and I just don't want to have people and issues like that in my life.

Sometimes it takes a long time to heal and move forward. Forgiveness in some cases and for some people is not that easy.
 
Shinehah said:
I like what you said. Everything you said is true. It still takes a lot of work to live according to the truths you mentioned.
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Oh absolutely. I know that how I wrote it makes it seem cut and dry and easy peasy. It's not. Sometimes it's very hard to exercise forgiveness and some people really do suffer at the hands of others. In that case I think people need to understand that people who do fucked up shit do it because of something that is in them that makes them act that way. Maybe it's not always malicious. Maybe they are just innately shitty lol. Sometimes you just have to forgive people for being weak in character and move forward from them because the chances of them developing into a better person or a person that fits into your life and your state of relationship wellbeing is very slim.
 
I do hold grudges every now and then. I do forgive every now and then.
It's never as simple as a binary.

I think mine was a twisted from of justice-- a desire for vengeance, if you may.
How I want to see them get their just desserts-- how I want these bleeding wounds to be validated by their pain and misery.

I think a grudge is different than a desire to block some people out from your life-- even when they may overlap.
the former emphasized its malice and intensity of the feeling; a pain that never subsides.
the latter emphasized the finality, the decision.

Thus I agreed with @SpecialEdition that yes, moving on without someone doesn't necessarily equate bearing grudges. Sometimes the feeling subside but the knowledge remain-- the awareness that yep, not taking this shit anymore.

And forgiveness doesn't equate repetition-- you can forgive others without opening yourself back to the same shit.
 
I think it depends on many variables. Some great examples of dealing with grudges: Hitler, Osama, Mother Theresa, Elanor Roosevelt, Ghandi. For me, it takes a while to forgive sometimes. Other times, I pretty much forget what it was even. Odd. Also, I think the nucleus to severity is how close the other is to my heart or does 'whatever' it is that violates a core value or belief of mine.
 
Shinehah said:
I'm an INFJ. I have been hurt badly and belittled in my life. I am prone to holding grudges. Is this common with INFJs? Or are INFJs forgiving?
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I'm an INFJ but I don't speak for others. Personally I don't really hold a grudge, but I will not forget it if you've done something either.
If I doorslam it is in order to protect myself from further harm, I do not hold what someone did against them or wish them ill.
However that does not mean I am prone to self harm in the form of allowing someone to have another shot at me.

What people do is like a force of nature to me. I can hardly hold a grudge against say the rain if I get soaked because I did not bring an umbrella, or hold a grudge because I chose to go outside whilst it rained.
That is how I view pretty much everything. So whilst some might see this as holding a grudge, I personally see it as a lesson learned and either bring an umbrella or stay inside.

If someone hurts me, this is no different to me. However I cannot say that I am always consistent. Sometimes it's ok to go out without an umbrella, even if you get soaked. Sometimes, It's worth giving more chances.

Some people allow their kids to hurt themselves by touching something hot, so they learn not to touch it. In a way every person to me is an object of unknown temperature. Sometimes I get burned and I learn to stayaway, sometimes someone is too cold, and I learn to stay away, sometimes someone is so comfortable and warm, that I learn that it is ok to come back, even if the temperature is not always peachy. ;p You could also view this as campfire, sometimes you're seated too close, sometimes too far away, and other times its perfect when you learn the best place to be. ^^

It's really more comfortable for me to look at things this way rather than say "OMG THIS PERSON IS 100% self aware, their actions are all thought out in advance and precisely calculated and this person is purposely doing this and this because their life revolves around meh!". Most people are hardly aware of the effects their actions have on others. It's kinda pointless to hold a grudge against someone when most likely they aren't even aware of what effects they've had on you. Like really, what does a grudge do other then make you bitter about something that has already happened? It's way more pleasant to focus on making the best out of the now and the future. ^^
 
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Artisan said:
I'm an INFJ but I don't speak for others. Personally I don't really hold a grudge, but I will not forget it if you've done something either.
If I doorslam it is in order to protect myself from further harm, I do not hold what someone did against them or wish them ill.
However that does not mean I am prone to self harm in the form of allowing someone to have another shot at me.

What people do is like a force of nature to me. I can hardly hold a grudge against say the rain if I get soaked because I did not bring an umbrella, or hold a grudge because I chose to go outside whilst it rained.
That is how I view pretty much everything. So whilst some might see this as holding a grudge, I personally see it as a lesson learned and either bring an umbrella or stay inside.

If someone hurts me, this is no different to me. However I cannot say that I am always consistent. Sometimes it's ok to go out without an umbrella, even if you get soaked. Sometimes, It's worth giving more chances.

Some people allow their kids to hurt themselves by touching someone thing hot, so they learn not to touch it. In a way every person to me is an object of unknown temperature. Sometimes I get burned and I learn to stayaway, sometimes someone is too cold, and I learn to stay away, sometimes someone is so comfortable and warm, that I learn that it is ok to come back, even if the temperature is not always peachy. ;p You could also view this as campfire, sometimes you're seated too close, sometimes too far away, and other times its perfect when you learn the best place to be. ^^

It's really more comfortable for me to look at things this way rather than say "OMG THIS PERSON IS 100% self aware, their actions are all thought out in advance and precisely calculated and this person is purposely doing this and this because their life revolves around meh!". Most people are hardly aware of the effects their actions have on others. It's kinda pointless to hold a grudge against someone when most likely they aren't even aware of what effects they've had on you. Like really, what does a grudge do other then make you bitter about something that has already happened? It's way more pleasant to focus on making the best out of the now and the future. ^^
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Really like this post, full of solid advice. I know grudges are bad, but a lot of the time it is hard to articulate why or convince myself to not hold them.

Reminds me of this quote, about anger. I think it relates.

"Of the sevendeadly sins, anger is possibly the most fun.

To lick your wounds,to smack your lips over grievances long past, to roll over
your tongue theprospect of bitter confrontations still to come, to savor to the
last toothsomemorsel both the pain you are given and the pain you are giving
back--in many waysit is a feast fit for a king.

The chief drawbackis what you are wolfing down is yourself.

The skeleton at thefeast is you."

- Frederick Buechner
 
Not only eliminated toxic people from life, I've learnt to actively whittle seeds of grudges.
If I bumped into toxic people from my past, the anger would probably start to bubbly rise in me :(

Is this common with INFJs? Or are INFJs forgiving?
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If justice is served, I am more inclined to forgive. . .
 
It's just a phase within the INFJ type, especially if it's a form of justice, as [MENTION=1593]floatingbridge[/MENTION] mentioned. A phase is best surpassed, but still a phase.

The more important question is what are you holding the grudge for. If it's in order to help you make a decision about who to have in your life, you can make the decision and then let go of the grudge, because it's the grudge that is the real problem.

Incidentally, I wonder if non-INFJs ever encounter grudges the same way.
 
Artisan said:
I'm an INFJ but I don't speak for others. Personally I don't really hold a grudge, but I will not forget it if you've done something either.
If I doorslam it is in order to protect myself from further harm, I do not hold what someone did against them or wish them ill.
However that does not mean I am prone to self harm in the form of allowing someone to have another shot at me.

What people do is like a force of nature to me. I can hardly hold a grudge against say the rain if I get soaked because I did not bring an umbrella, or hold a grudge because I chose to go outside whilst it rained.
That is how I view pretty much everything. So whilst some might see this as holding a grudge, I personally see it as a lesson learned and either bring an umbrella or stay inside.

If someone hurts me, this is no different to me. However I cannot say that I am always consistent. Sometimes it's ok to go out without an umbrella, even if you get soaked. Sometimes, It's worth giving more chances.

Some people allow their kids to hurt themselves by touching something hot, so they learn not to touch it. In a way every person to me is an object of unknown temperature. Sometimes I get burned and I learn to stayaway, sometimes someone is too cold, and I learn to stay away, sometimes someone is so comfortable and warm, that I learn that it is ok to come back, even if the temperature is not always peachy. ;p You could also view this as campfire, sometimes you're seated too close, sometimes too far away, and other times its perfect when you learn the best place to be. ^^

It's really more comfortable for me to look at things this way rather than say "OMG THIS PERSON IS 100% self aware, their actions are all thought out in advance and precisely calculated and this person is purposely doing this and this because their life revolves around meh!". Most people are hardly aware of the effects their actions have on others. It's kinda pointless to hold a grudge against someone when most likely they aren't even aware of what effects they've had on you. Like really, what does a grudge do other then make you bitter about something that has already happened? It's way more pleasant to focus on making the best out of the now and the future. ^^
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Its the same for me. I don't hold a grudge either. But I learn to disengage from such people; if I cant physically, then mentally and emotionally most definitely. Makes life so much easier.
 
All negativity has since been removed from my life after an extraordinarily toxic relationship left me drained and unhealthy beyond my wildest dreams. All paths crossed with negative stimuli are automatically sewn shut as a defense mechanism. I've learned how to follow those intuitive tendencies about people (mostly female - I have guards up) and how to feel their auras, their energy, and to make general assumptions about their character, but never in a definitive manner, so as to accept that I'm not always so smart when it comes to figuring someone out. I've got no time for drama or bad vibes of any sort. It's liberating. I'm freeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

The hatred for one person does exist, but that person is ostracized completely from all communication and I will never see her again. But generally, no I don't hold onto negative thoughts whatsoever.
 
Not an INFJ but I do hold grudges, yes. It's difficult for me to let go when I've been wronged in some way. I don't want to hold on to such horrible feelings, but I haven't quite learned how to dismiss them either. Having been in a long-term relationship with an INFJ and having one or two close friends who are also, I can say that it is as invisible stated... They are capable of profound forgiveness in the most undeserving of circumstances and equally capable of profound grudge holding in the most absurd of situations. Mostly, I think it all depends on the context for them.
 
Misadventure said:
Not an INFJ but I do hold grudges, yes. It's difficult for me to let go when I've been wronged in some way. I don't want to hold on to such horrible feelings, but I haven't quite learned how to dismiss them either. Having been in a long-term relationship with an INFJ and having one or two close friends who are also, I can say that it is as invisible stated... They are capable of profound forgiveness in the most undeserving of circumstances and equally capable of profound grudge holding in the most absurd of situations. Mostly, I think it all depends on the context for them.
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That's true....It depends on context........!
 
It depends on the severity of the offense and my relationship with that person. I won't hold a grudge against someone who can easily be removed from my life.

But, I have been known to get revenge (or rather, seek justice) if I was wronged (and I mean really wronged) by someone I was in a relationship with. There are (at times) situations that warrant a lesson to be taught. And I'm a great teacher, so...

But after I get justice, I am fully satisfied. I let it go.

Now, with family it's a bit complicated. I have removed family members from my life in the past with good reason. But with family that I can't easily remove, I'm stuck with some bitterness. Not enough to hate but enough to keep them at arms distance.
 
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I usually have no trouble forgiving. However there have been some hurts that have hurt so bad for so long that I find it hard to let it go.
 
I think forgive and forget is garbage if someone really does something wrong to you.
 
Kind of depends on what a person has done to me. If it's really bad, then yes, I do tend to bear a grudge.
 
Its like this:

You go swimming in a lake. Little did you know, there is a crocodile in the lake and it bites you. You get away, worse off but still alive and kicking. You don't blame the crocodile. It was just doing what crocodiles do. You already knew crocodiles existed before you got bit so really, nothing has changed. The world is the same place it was before. There is no point being angry about it.

However, you DO NOT go swimming in that lake again... ever
 
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