Question to understand your post: Was your religion something internal and then lost/abandoned? - or a compliance with external expectations - and you just lost the desire to meet expectations?
Religion to me was never really very important, maybe for a few moments when I was very very young. I became semi religious I guess when I was 4 or 5 because my brother Rick was born premature and nearly died and my mother also almost died and I spent a lot of time going from aunt to aunt and stuff while this was all going on. We almost lost them both I still have reoccurring nightmares about it.
Be that as it may, I think that that kernel of experience lead to the formation of how peculiar you all see me behave sometimes, where a lot of different quirks I personally demonstrate originated, because it was a snowball effect. They did survive, and things became ok after time but the experience I believe kind of aged my maturity a little bit I guess you could say, almost like a fatal dose of reality that poisoned off the will to be a kid, and instead made me very very aware of pain, death, loss, etc I became obsessed with it over the years in the forms of video games and horror movies always favoring the dark and evil stuff. To me God was just, nothing. He was something my parents told me about, and while I was religious for a while that young and that naive about things I became a really quick learner, and very unusually perceptive for a youngster.
As I began to learn that, the Tooth fairy was fake, that cartoons are fake, that Muppets are fake, that the Easter bunny was fake, each one falling like a domino one after another, Then some asshole neighborhood kids told me that there was no Santa Clause, I still remember how upset I felt about that, which eventually faded into jadedness and a mistrust of the things grown up people told me. I began to get quiet and introspective from these experiences, because I felt like it didn't make sense to allow myself to believe lies.
I guess for me religion was a natural progression of that, I began to get really interested in scientific things. I remember being into gemology, geology, collecting fossils and rocks, these were things school introduced me to that I followed up on my own. I had a real affinity for the stars and natural things, especially animals. I loved animals and walking in the woods alone, I caught snakes and turtles, moles, salamanders, always took care of them and then let them go safely. I was fascinated with the world around me. I felt more from learning about those things, and about what I am and who I am and how life works and trying to figure things out. I wasn't always educated and smart, but I was bright and perceptive. I felt more complete from devouring information and then using it in the fantasies in my head, and I did fantasize a lot, total day dreamer.
I recall late one night in bed, my last "dare" to god, I had one of those my pet monster things from a tag sale, I was quite young maybe 6, I dared god to bring him to life, like in all the parables they told us at reborn church (my grandmother also took myself and my brothers to a reborn christian church) There was one such story where the non-believers (who were evil by the way also known as "the wicked", "the wretched", "the evil") dared some noble Christian to set up a fire pit with wood and no oil and they would also and they would see which God would ignite it 1st, ohhh well you know those crafty Christians, he even said oh well I will also pour water on it, and my god will provide ignition. Sure enough God does it and the pagans god did nothing, his faith was rewarded. Well I will tell you that that stuck with me. God had that dudes fuckin back! When I put myself to the task I dared God to bring my stuffed animal to life so I would have a friend to talk to. And of course, it didn't happen. I wasn't convinced, I genuinely believed and wanted it, instead god blessed me with all sorts of other experiences. Amen.
I never had a use for it. I went to Church occasionally with the Catholics and the reborn, and I always felt it was just a huge drag, and as I approached my preteens they began to really push the morality, and it just didn't hold up for me, because what life was showing me was that god either didn't care or was cruel and hated me or as I ultimately accept for myself, God wasn't there.
I remember the 1st time I really began to allow that thought to slip through my consciousness. I was rather timid about it, I couldn't tell anybody, least of all my family. It was hard to ignore a lot of the stuff they wanted me to believe, I felt tremendous guilt for going against my loved ones. And I would not allow these thoughts to slip from my lips to my brothers because I didn't want them to feel the same way I did... while I was a truth seeker at heart I was also flawed as a hypocrite. A trend I have grown to despise in myself through the years and work hard to suppress, but I didn't feel like I had a right to ruin their peace of mind with all my... "questions" By the time my mother made me talk to the Priest the moral sermonizing had really put me off, I was disgusted with the history of the Catholic church especially in the dark ages. As I matured I became a HUGE fan of Western civilization and learning about the Greeks and the Romans and all the different eras and empires. I had nothing but contempt for a long time and I think by high school I was in this kind of dark gothic phase even though for me it was never a phase. Maybe the clothes but not the feelings.
I always seemed to embrace science over lore though. Except for those early memories and all that stuff I went through, most people say it builds faith for me it kind of punctured it and it quickly drained away. I was left with a conflicting feeling, if god was real, he was cruel and I would never worship that. It was easier to accept that god just didnt make sense.
WOW long winded or what?! hope this explains it, thanks for the question it felt good to say all that.