Dreaded INTP falls hard for INFJ

Dopamine said:
Oh no no no! I was making fun of myself!!!! For not seeing it. Sorry!
Click to expand...
Thank God I had flashback to helping a customer at a place I used to work blow up at me for trying to help him
"I DON'T NEED HELP WITH ANYTHING BECAUSE I KNOW EVERYTHING!!!"

Go easy on yourself with the dopamine thing. Love makes everyone a little blind sometimes.
 
Question for you guys, obviously this “relationship” isn’t going to be anything, but I want to understand what happened better. He actually seemed hurt that I was not happy with his position. He said in his past he got way to wrapped up in one person after a date or two and didn’t want to repeat mistakes. But then seemed upset when I said well obviously I had to keep looking for what I needed, which was something real. Which also seemed to upset him??? Then he got really quiet and stopped really responding and shifted the way we spoke dramatically. I would just like to understand what happened there.
I like INFJs, I have long secretly suspected if I got past the tricky landscape of INFJ trust it could be something great. I would like to understand you guys better.
 
Dopamine said:
Question for you guys, obviously this “relationship” isn’t going to be anything, but I want to understand what happened better. He actually seemed hurt that I was not happy with his position. He said in his past he got way to wrapped up in one person after a date or two and didn’t want to repeat mistakes. But then seemed upset when I said well obviously I had to keep looking for what I needed, which was something real. Which also seemed to upset him??? Then he got really quiet and stopped really responding and shifted the way we spoke dramatically. I would just like to understand what happened there.
I like INFJs, I have long secretly suspected if I got past the tricky landscape of INFJ trust it could be something great. I would like to understand you guys better.
Click to expand...
I'm not sure that it's an INFJ thing but probably a rejection thing. Last year, I had been embroiled in a very close friendship with an INTP. My mistake was that I let it simmer for over two years before confessing, which I did when I was already certain I was in love with him (two long years after). Before it, we just spent time together. When he rejected me, I specifically wanted out of our friendship too. He really wasn't happy about it. It got difficult between us after that because we had gotten so used to a life built with each other. Even if he rejected me, the motions were very similar to a breakup anyway and it was harder because we were working together so we had to put up this front of being okay but also really hurting inside. I was hurt over rejection, and so was he although he felt that as a friend. I think we don't like losing people we like even when we know we're being selfish.

The good ending is that I moved on and now we've become good colleagues. We don't hang out as much as we used to and we don't have very long private conversations anymore, but his loyalty is clear and so is mine. All in all, I gained an ally.

I don't want to give you false hopes at all, but I think it will turn out well. I'm sure he likes you and so it will hurt to lose you even if that is ultimately a consequence of his own decision.
 
Dopamine said:
I just don’t understand why he would self sabotage that way. It seems so pointless to be in pain and cause pain over something that could be at least better. We could have salvaged a beautiful friendship.
Click to expand...
Sometimes they have their reasons. You could ask him about it, if you want to. Maybe it's not an intentional sabotage but more like a choice. Maybe he's uncomfortable that you're working together? I guess we can only guess.
 
We don’t work together. We actually live in different towns. He says he can’t shake the feeling he did something wrong and that it has invalidated how he feels?? I actually think it’s bullshit. I think he found someone else he is interested in and didn’t know how to get out of his entanglement with me.

that’s what makes sense. People always make sense. They don’t when you try to put them in some idealistic light. He’s just a guy playing the field in a really sloppy way. I very seriously doubt he meant to, but regardless. It hurts people. You can have all kinds of feeling and passion, it doesn’t remove the fact that actions have consequences.
 
Dopamine said:
We don’t work together. We actually live in different towns. He says he can’t shake the feeling he did something wrong and that it has invalidated how he feels?? I actually think it’s bullshit. I think he found someone else he is interested in and didn’t know how to get out of his entanglement with me.

that’s what makes sense. People always make sense. They don’t when you try to put them in some idealistic light. He’s just a guy playing the field in a really sloppy way. I very seriously doubt he meant to, but regardless. It hurts people. You can have all kinds of feeling and passion, it doesn’t remove the fact that actions have consequences.
Click to expand...
Yes you may be on to something here.
 
Just generally, I would not assume there’s exclusivity at the beginning except, if he’s lead you to believe that’s the case.

I think it’s fair for you to be keeping your options open in response to him. But, he might’ve felt stung if it sounded like payback, like he cheated on you somehow...So, I think that’s what’s going on. He’s trying to be honest and open with you, in his mind, and doesn’t feel like he’s done anything “wrong,” but he’s picking up that you feel wronged by him. This doesn’t preclude the possibility that he met someone new and just wants to pursue that as well.
 
Chickensoup said:
Just generally, I would not assume there’s exclusivity at the beginning except, if he’s lead you to believe that’s the case.

I think it’s fair for you to be keeping your options open in response to him. But, he might’ve felt stung if it sounded like payback, like he cheated on you somehow...So, I think that’s what’s going on. He’s trying to be honest and open with you, in his mind, and doesn’t feel like he’s done anything “wrong,” but he’s picking up that you feel wronged by him. This doesn’t preclude the possibility that he met someone new and just wants to pursue that as well.
Click to expand...

You are likely not wrong. On any points. I assumed it because early on we talked about what we were looking for and wanted. I probably projected some on him what that meant to me. I may have missed some clues.
We spent so much time and energy on each other, it just wasn’t conceivable that he was with other people too. Who can do that?? I don’t want to portray him as a bad person, he absolutely is not in any way. I think he just has a way he thinks his dating life needs to be and wasn’t clear enough about it to me.
It is also true that I have an extremely hard time feeling personally safe with other people as my true self. It’s very hard for me. He made me feel safe in the space between us and on a very unfortunate day with crazy stuff going on, it felt like he ripped that rug out from under my feet. I am positive that he had absolutely no intention of doing that. But it happened none the less. I just felt really safe with him, and now I feel really unsure about whether or not I can trust myself to see him clearly. Not trusting my own ability to recognize someone who will devastate me is a big problem for me. The bigger problem is actually knowing for a fact I can’t trust myself because I have been wrong in really REALLY painful ways.
He has kept in touch, but it’s just different now. I feel like I have to keep a distance. I was blindsided. And I think you are right that he felt instinctively that he had done something wrong. I told him he hadn’t really, but that being more clear early on would have been helpful. We are more guarded than before, unfortunately he’d likely have to bridge the distance for us. I’m too scared of it now. He won’t. I don’t think I meant quite enough to him for that effort. I wouldn’t expect him to. Not for someone that he didn’t know THAT well, and to be fair the other women are probably just easier than an overburdened complex scientist INTP. That and he is likely just hanging around because he feels bad that I was hurt.
It’s better probably for me to give up and slink back into my shadow and let men who don’t try to understand me (or can’t) pursue me. Those relationships leave a big emptiness inside of me but, they also like me better. You guys might understand that, I’m not sure, but being an odd person isn’t always fun. The old “you might not get what you want, but you can get what you need.”
Reading about INFJs, if he felt burned by all of this somehow, it’s kinda hopeless anyway. It is just a sad thing for me.

boo hoo. I’ll live. The “F“ function sucks.
 
Last edited:
Dopamine said:
You are likely not wrong. On any points. I assumed it because early on we talked about what we were looking for and wanted. I probably projected some on him what that meant to me. I may have missed some clues.
We spent so much time and energy on each other, it just wasn’t conceivable that he was with other people too. Who can do that?? I don’t want to portray him as a bad person, he absolutely is not in any way. I think he just has a way he thinks his dating life needs to be and wasn’t clear enough about it to me.
It is also true that I have an extremely hard time feeling personally safe with other people as my true self. It’s very hard for me. He made me feel safe in the space between us and on a very unfortunate day with crazy stuff going on, it felt like he ripped that rug out from under my feet. I am positive that he had absolutely no intention of doing that. But it happened none the less. I just felt really safe with him, and now I feel really unsure about whether or not I can trust myself to see him clearly. Not trusting my own ability to recognize someone who will devastate me is a big problem for me. The bigger problem is actually knowing for a fact I can’t trust myself because I have been wrong in really REALLY painful ways.
He has kept in touch, but it’s just different now. I feel like I have to keep a distance. I was blindsided. And I think you are right that he felt instinctively that he had done something wrong. I told him he hadn’t really, but that being more clear early on would have been helpful. We are more guarded than before, unfortunately he’d likely have to bridge the distance for us. I’m too scared of it now. He won’t. I don’t think I meant quite enough to him for that effort. I wouldn’t expect him to. Not for someone that he didn’t know THAT well, and to be fair the other women are probably just easier than an overburdened complex scientist INTP. That and he is likely just hanging around because he feels bad that I was hurt.
It’s better probably for me to give up and slink back into my shadow and let men who don’t try to understand me (or can’t) pursue me. Those relationships leave a big emptiness inside of me but, they also like me better. You guys might understand that, I’m not sure, but being an odd person isn’t always fun. The old “you might not get what you want, but you can get what you need.”
Reading about INFJs, if he felt burned by all of this somehow, it’s kinda hopeless anyway. It is just a sad thing for me.

boo hoo. I’ll live. The “F“ function sucks.
Click to expand...
Yes, yes. You will live. This sucks. Men suck. Grrr.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top