Help with my VERY stressed INFJ in a relationship

[biwaly]

INFJs cares and does so much for their relationships even though they have to sacrifice a lot of what they care about by making sure people they care about gain more than what the INFJ gains. In that regard it's actually easy to form a relationship with an INFJ if the INFJ wants to have that relationship.

It's easy to form a relationship with INFJ because they want to connect. For the very same reason they likely to keep their relationship no matter what. They care so much about their connection with people therefore they don't really dislike anyone no matter what unless they door slam. Door slam is just for when an INFJ realizes people would be better without the INFJ and for there is no possibility of a good future with them so as a way of protecting and not hurting them INFJs door slam. INFJs leave you to don't hurt you because as long as they stay they'll explode and will hurt you for you crossed that line you shouldn't cross. In that regard, there is nothing to forgive for an INFJ if they still talk. When they talk about how you hurt them it's just for "don't do it again" not for "apologize to me". Only apologize to an INFJ when they clearly asked it. In that case, apologize is a way for you to show them there is still a possibility of a good future for both of you because that apology meant you care about the INFJ and you weren't selfish when you hurt the INFJ. Other than that, an unnecessary apology will actually make INFJ lose respect and they will think you are a manipulator and therefore there is no possibility of a good future for both of you because INFJ will believe "they think they can hurt me and apologize to me as if their apology undoes what they did". Don't try to undo your mistake. Accept your mistake -> learn from it -> move on.

Don't worry, INFJs gets you even though you are silent because words are not the only way of communication. He knows you enough to know how you are sorry so no need to apologize. He doesn't need to forgive you because he didn't door slam you but he wouldn't forgive you if he had door slam you.

Yes, he didn't like how you did it because how you did hurt his Fe. He really doesn't blame you or something. He just expressed what people should do in general. Just don't do it again and it will be alright. For example, sometimes I resent what some strangers do to other strangers but I really don't get upset for it nor need an apology. I just wish them to don't do it so if I care about what they do I just say them "don't do it". It's that simple.

Lastly, I know you want to do what's right for him and therefore you ask questions and help but he already tells you what you should to him and what's right for him. Just listen to him and do what he requested so it'll be enough.

 

[Janas]

INFJs cares and does so much for their relationships even though they have to sacrifice a lot of what they care about by making sure people they care about gain more than what the INFJ gains. In that regard it's actually easy to form a relationship with an INFJ if the INFJ wants to have that relationship.

It's easy to form a relationship with INFJ because they want to connect. For the very same reason they likely to keep their relationship no matter what. They care so much about their connection with people therefore they don't really dislike anyone no matter what unless they door slam. Door slam is just for when an INFJ realizes people would be better without the INFJ and for there is no possibility of a good future with them so as a way of protecting and not hurting them INFJs door slam. INFJs leave you to don't hurt you because as long as they stay they'll explode and will hurt you for you crossed that line you shouldn't cross. In that regard, there is nothing to forgive for an INFJ if they still talk. When they talk about how you hurt them it's just for "don't do it again" not for "apologize to me". Only apologize to an INFJ when they clearly asked it. In that case, apologize is a way for you to show them there is still a possibility of a good future for both of you because that apology meant you care about the INFJ and you weren't selfish when you hurt the INFJ. Other than that, an unnecessary apology will actually make INFJ lose respect and they will think you are a manipulator and therefore there is no possibility of a good future for both of you because INFJ will believe "they think they can hurt me and apologize to me as if their apology undoes what they did". Don't try to undo your mistake. Accept your mistake -> learn from it -> move on.

Don't worry, INFJs gets you even though you are silent because words are not the only way of communication. He knows you enough to know how you are sorry so no need to apologize. He doesn't need to forgive you because he didn't door slam you but he wouldn't forgive you if he had door slam you.

Yes, he didn't like how you did it because how you did hurt his Fe. He really doesn't blame you or something. He just expressed what people should do in general. Just don't do it again and it will be alright. For example, sometimes I resent what some strangers do to other strangers but I really don't get upset for it nor need an apology. I just wish them to don't do it so if I care about what they do I just say them "don't do it". It's that simple.

Lastly, I know you want to do what's right for him and therefore you ask questions and help but he already tells you what you should to him and what's right for him. Just listen to him and do what he requested so it'll be enough.

he is my boss and I don't work for 2 weeks because of this. I'm now afraid to do anything. He used to be my mentor and we worked a lot together he always gave me advices and such. Because of this situation I have no idea how to approach it. He said only necessary work communication but even that I'm afraid to do now. I'm afraid to send him even a work email. Because to do nothing is better than making it worse. What is the best tactics here to get normal communication again? Do I have to completely disappear and wait for him and see how he communicate and than just reply the same way but don't initiate any work related email to be sure? I can't lose this job but its so painful just to think that I lost my best work colegue now too.

 

[biwaly]

C'mon you are an adult, right? Just be professional.

He made it clear for only keeping the communication at work level and he wants you to contact him when it's absolutely necessary about work. Just be normal (be yourself). As long as you keep it normal and at work level you can't make it worst as it's what he already wants and therefore okay with.

Actually avoiding him when you ignore your responsibilities for work would what make it worse. To be honest I would lose romantic interest in someone who can't be professional but perhaps he ain't so. I had business management & administration education and therefore I spent 4 years of my life in the jungle called business life. In business life, even diamonds are so cheap for friendships therefore these business people look perfection in everyone for even just having a casual chat. So being so weak would make him lose interest in you as a romantic partner if he is such a business person. Though it doesn't mean you guys can't stay as friends, even as some "daughter-father" which is actually what your relationship with him seems to turned into, et cetera.

Well, actually he already made it clear that you are just his colleague anymore until he ever gets rid of his wife so you already know what you should do. But your situation is awkward. I mean, do you really want to be his backup wife? Do you want to wait for him? I wouldn't even start such a relationship and if I were you I would forget about him. Half of the planet is male so you really don't have to care about one person for a romantic relationship. Sooner or later you can even find someone who is way better than him. Life ain't short for the right person. It's just that people make bad decisions and stays with their mistakes when they should just let go.

What happened ain't the end of the world. Don't overreact to it.

 

[Janas]

The new update and I really have no idea what to do anymore. After 3 weeks of almost no contact he started to call me and we talked and he visited me and now we are back where we were! He can't be without me and misses me especially after he saw that I'm just busy with my life and meeting new people. I guess he is afraid of loosing me but at the same time his situation didn't change. He promised he won't see me to his therapeut and maybe even to his wife so they can look if they can work things out but it isn't going so well. She doesn't wanna see him in near future anymore she said, they met several times and talked but she can't forgive him and doesn't feel comfortable around him. She is the kind of person who goes to sit in the corner and wait for the situation to solve itself. As soon as he tries to push and talk about it, it ends not so good. He still lives separated from her. He said to me yesterday again that with me is everything very good and positive and with her just the opposite and he knows that so much happened between them already that the chances for succes are almost none. But in spite of that he can't accept this failure of his marriage and still feels the need to fight for it in spite of all the odds. At the same time he wants to see me and is afraid we will grow apart with no contact. He can't be without me either. For me it feels just like before when we are together but the reality afterwards is painful. It's like I'm hoping it will be ok at the end but it's hurting me how it goes now. Being without him is even more painful. Now he is just waiting what will his wife do I guess. I have no idea anymore what is the best strategy for me. If I cut him of, he can miss me but I'm afraid it wil push him back to her and if I will keep seeing him, he gets all the energy from me and is not as keen on solving the situation. I'm a huge distraction for him. He is very tired from it all, not energy, bad sleep and I know that I make him happy, only I'm afraid he will use that recharged energy for fighting for his marriage. I don't know if seeing him helps us to strengthen our relationship or the otherwise. He said its both. On one side he sees how nice it is with me and how happy he is with me and on the other side he is well aware that he is breaking his promise and because of the love for me he is distracted from solving is situation.

 

[LucianAguirre]

You must understand that he is trying to adapt to his new life as best he can. I hope he succeeds. He hasn't had time to live freely since the end of his last relationship, and he feels insecure and perhaps even ashamed. Has he already divorced his wife, or do they prefer a temporary legal separation? I understand that you are worried about your future relationship, so you should talk to him more often. The most important thing for him right now is support. Don't let him distance himself from you.