How do you handle knowing someone’s secret problem and the solution?

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Mfj8LaH546rfr

Regular Poster
MBTI
INFJ-T
Especially when you aren’t close, but solving this problem for them would save them years of pain and confusion. Would you find a way to tell them?
 
In my experience, words and information are rarely enough to change another's course. People tend to change when their lived experience causes them to re-examine their course. So, even if you told them, it may not matter.
 
Not exactly sure what the op is talking about, but when I see someone doing something the wrong way, I take over and do it right, explaining what I'm doing.

If a friend is cooking meat wrong, guaranteeing it'll be tough and bland, I'll butt in, and cook it right, then share some of it with them.
 
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Sometimes Yeah said:
Not exactly sure what the op is talking about, but when I see someone doing something the wrong way, I take over and do it right, exposing what I'm doing.

If a friend is cooking meat wrong, guaranteeing it'll be tough and bland, I'll butt in, and cook it right, then share some of it with them.
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You are denying people of learning opportunities, thereby making their life worse
 
I would never be certain I actually knew or understood the problem or solution, so if for some reason I arrived at such a thought and feeling, I’d likely decide the best course of action would be to dismiss it as smack, inspired though it may be.

That would be okay even if I was unknowingly correct because although the truth will set a person free, it tends to first piss them off, and I don’t want to create unnecessary drama.

Cheers,
Ian
 
aeon said:
it tends to first piss them off, and I don’t want to create unnecessary drama.
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Yeah, that's my job
cackle-cackling.gif
 
To elaborate on the ambiguity of the OP’s question, we don’t know if they know someone who’s being courted by a serial killer or if the person in question is perhaps certain that copious amounts of stool softeners provide the perfect umami in the baked goods they’re about to invest their life savings in a storefront to sell.
 
Wyote said:
You are denying people of learning opportunities, thereby making their life worse
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If people wanted to learn, they would have by now (adults). At least they'll get one properly cooked steak this year.

If anyone asks me how to do something, I'll help and show them, but otherwise it's invariably a waste of time. The exception is the workplace, where people are being paid to get things right
 
Sometimes Yeah said:
If people wanted to learn, they would have by now (adults)
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There are too many things to learn and people are all at different levels of ability.
Adults don't know jack shit either.

I understand your philosophy here and what you're saying though.
 
I think I'll just watch and be there when they ask for it unless perhaps if it was illegal, puts a life in grave danger, then I'd do what I can to protect. If they are genuinely in need of outside POV, I could ask politely if they'd like to hear my views or I'll just drop the bomb then wear my shades and walk away.
 
I think there’s a big difference between physical skills like cooking and emotional issues. The latter are often the tricky ones which people struggle to come to terms with, or seek change. Often I suspect people know deep down what their emotional problem is, so telling them might annoy them, or it’s simply a place they aren’t comfortable going to. I bet I’m not the only one who can recall wise advice years ago which I didn’t take. We are often good at making excuses for avoiding wisdom.
But in general, as most know, we are well placed as INFJs to help others, especially when it comes to advice and self improvement. We definitely shouldn’t avoid doing that, but there is a lot of sense in not taking on too much and focussing on our own goals because life is short and precious. We also tend to accept some flack for helping others, because our compassion and care for others is often greater than our immediate sensitivities, and we can usually differentiate between what a person thinks of us and the truth (bigger picture). Maybe our alienation actually plays a useful part here. Our relative detachment allows us to act like a 3rd party, based on our subjective assessment of what the best objective actions to take are. We will suffer (no Fi in top 4 functions) to get a good outcome for others (Fe) based on Ni-Ti assessment.
 
MsLonelyHearts said:
Especially when you aren’t close, but solving this problem for them would save them years of pain and confusion. Would you find a way to tell them?
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It depends entirely on the situation and information.

In some situations the best thing to do is nothing. In others, it would be irresponsible not to act.
 
Sorry for the vagueness. I feel bad posting details online.

This person is a older neighbor in her 60s who lives alone that I have helped on occasion for the past several years because she doesn't have a car and has some movement and strength issues. I have tried to give her one, but that's another story.

I've been through enough, experienced enough personally in life and heard enough talk from her to know what's up with her now. I want to tell her she has:
Emotional dependency problems, causing her to fixate on one person to "save" her (Possibly discouraged-BPD)
Codependency causing her to worry excessively about things that aren't her business and be overly helpful with things other's don't need or want her help with.
Paranoid delusions, that are unfounded keeping her stuck (conspiracy stuff).
That she has become too rigid and help-avoidant and has painted herself into a corner leaving her friendless and slightly agoraphobic.

She made statements recently that reviled to me her idolization of me and her tendency to do that.

Her requests and texts are becoming a lot too and she is aware that I have a lot on my plate already. I try not to say much and reply late. I think she can tell. She told me once she worried because I waited until the next day and don't normally. She includes details that are more reviling about her thoughts than she may realize and they are always overly emotional and some kind of effort to get me into the same stuff she likes.

Looking back, her requests for my help have often turned out to be unnecessary and a manipulation to socialize. When I would have preferred her to be up front about that need. It would have been my pleasure to sit and chat, but she is not respectful of my time, gossips and is worried about so many things it would be better for her to get a therapist.

She often wants help, but only what she's comfortable with. She wants help, but can't ask directly. She wants help, but wants people to guess and check-in and never ever make it seem like charity, but as a friend helping a friend. I was too nice when we first met, just assuming she was normal, but we are not the close friends she thinks we are. And now that she has made me aware of how her friendships have failed, I feel I have been duped. She has been abandoned by all she knows, for the most part, and that leaves only me and maybe one relative. She is more clingy than ever with the last friend moving away.

I know what loneliness and anxiety does to people all too well, and I'm struggling to detach from the awareness of what I think she's going through. As an INFJ and former codependent, I can feel that. It's not something I need right now. I am working hard right now to overcome burnout, lies I've lived with and the influence of unhealthy people I have been stuck with. As I fix myself, it's hard not to want to share those lessons with her, but I don't know how open she would be to that and I am not looking to add to the feeling she has that we are pals. I have a long way to go in live, but she had much longer, if she even will try. And that's a trap for me.

I don't mind helping people who are respectful and responsibly doing their best, but she resorts to tears and making woe is me comments that are intended to pluck at people's heart strings to get a need met. If she were more straight forward and respected my time, I would be glad to help more often. But it's never one thing, it's always I need help with this and then let me talk your ear off for an hour at rapid speed and gossip about people I don't know. I just don't have the time for it. Plus, given her gossiping ways, I don't want her knowing anything about me. I can't be her best friend and she's not getting the hint, or doesn't care.
 
MsLonelyHearts said:
Sorry for the vagueness. I feel bad posting details online.

This person is a older neighbor in her 60s who lives alone that I have helped on occasion for the past several years because she doesn't have a car and has some movement and strength issues. I have tried to give her one, but that's another story.

I've been through enough, experienced enough personally in life and heard enough talk from her to know what's up with her now. I want to tell her she has:
Emotional dependency problems, causing her to fixate on one person to "save" her (Possibly discouraged-BPD)
Codependency causing her to worry excessively about things that aren't her business and be overly helpful with things other's don't need or want her help with.
Paranoid delusions, that are unfounded keeping her stuck (conspiracy stuff).
That she has become too rigid and help-avoidant and has painted herself into a corner leaving her friendless and slightly agoraphobic.

She made statements recently that reviled to me her idolization of me and her tendency to do that.

Her requests and texts are becoming a lot too and she is aware that I have a lot on my plate already. I try not to say much and reply late. I think she can tell. She told me once she worried because I waited until the next day and don't normally. She includes details that are more reviling about her thoughts than she may realize and they are always overly emotional and some kind of effort to get me into the same stuff she likes.

Looking back, her requests for my help have often turned out to be unnecessary and a manipulation to socialize. When I would have preferred her to be up front about that need. It would have been my pleasure to sit and chat, but she is not respectful of my time, gossips and is worried about so many things it would be better for her to get a therapist.

She often wants help, but only what she's comfortable with. She wants help, but can't ask directly. She wants help, but wants people to guess and check-in and never ever make it seem like charity, but as a friend helping a friend. I was too nice when we first met, just assuming she was normal, but we are not the close friends she thinks we are. And now that she has made me aware of how her friendships have failed, I feel I have been duped. She has been abandoned by all she knows, for the most part, and that leaves only me and maybe one relative. She is more clingy than ever with the last friend moving away.

I know what loneliness and anxiety does to people all too well, and I'm struggling to detach from the awareness of what I think she's going through. As an INFJ and former codependent, I can feel that. It's not something I need right now. I am working hard right now to overcome burnout, lies I've lived with and the influence of unhealthy people I have been stuck with. As I fix myself, it's hard not to want to share those lessons with her, but I don't know how open she would be to that and I am not looking to add to the feeling she has that we are pals. I have a long way to go in live, but she had much longer, if she even will try. And that's a trap for me.

I don't mind helping people who are respectful and responsibly doing their best, but she resorts to tears and making woe is me comments that are intended to pluck at people's heart strings to get a need met. If she were more straight forward and respected my time, I would be glad to help more often. But it's never one thing, it's always I need help with this and then let me talk your ear off for an hour at rapid speed and gossip about people I don't know. I just don't have the time for it. Plus, given her gossiping ways, I don't want her knowing anything about me. I can't be her best friend and she's not getting the hint, or doesn't care.
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I think you are answering your own help thread. Often when we feel conflicted about something, it is because we know what we really should be doing and we are not acting in accordance to our morals and values. Either we have to change our morals and values to match our behavior or we have to acknowledge that we are not following our own ideas and change our behavior.

You do not want to be helping this lady. You feel guilty about setting boundaries with her, for whatever reason you feel like you need to help her despite the negative toll it is having on you. You highlight her codependency, but that is behavior you are mirroring back to her.

I think the reason you are drawn to helping this lady and so distressed by her at the same time is that you see your own behavior in her actions and you are using her as a distraction from yourself. The reality is that you have no obligation to help her and you're stressing yourself out over this for no reason. If she wants your help, she will respect your boundaries. If she won't respect your boundaries eventually you will have less and less contact with her and she will lose what little of a relationship she has, like has happened in the past. You may feel like you are having empathy for her by dealing with her despite her issues, and we ALL have issues, but clearly she is not learning certain social rules and you are in some sense enabling her by continuing your relationship at the behest of yourself. If she is a danger to herself you can send a report to social services but honestly, at this point, listen to yourself and respect yourself. Stop guilting yourself for communicating your needs in a relationship and feeling hurt when you aren't getting them met. You are not being paid to take care of her, if this was a professional situation yes it doesn't matter if the relationship is mutually beneficial because you have a financial incentive. That's not the case here.

Really. Listen to yourself. You're the one saying all of this, not me. It's scattered in your post.
 
Your solution is to tell her something?

I feel like I've missed something [significant] here. Telling people what's wrong with their life approach hasn't yielded good results for me. Perhaps I'm doing it wrong?

That being said. If you feel it could lead to professional counseling, it may not be a bad idea. Judging by your personal perspective of their situation, that's what they need.

What do you think? @MsLonelyHearts
 
There is no right way or wrong way, things just are. She seems to be putting a lot of pressure on you to continuously be her source of attention, and if you're not happy with that then don't give it to her. You don't have to justify your actions to anyone, remember that, nor do you need to keep accommodating someone else at the cost of your own mental well being. Everyone has their own issues, no matter who you are.

Decide what you want, or don't want, and go from there. Go in that direction.
 
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