How do you handle someone close to you who is in midst of confrontation with another?

[WellNoWonder]

So I was accosted by a family member within the past week because I didn't stick up for the person while the person was arguing with another member of the family. These folks have a history of not getting along with each other, and I've come to expect this from them.

I was like "What the hell do you want me to do? Am I supposed to referee here, throw down some flags and put people in the penalty box?"

I believe both of them were behaving poorly, and I've mentioned such to them before but it hasn't changed anything. At this point, I don't say shit.

I don't know if I'm right or wrong.

What would yall have done?

 

[Nixie]

Learning to leave crap alone that doesn't concern you and remaining above the drama is a great skill to cultivate. Kudos.

Yea, I know it is tough when people want to guilt trip you about the tough decisions. I think you did the right thing. Unless punches were being thrown, it didn't concern you. Someone will always be critical it seems, but that doesn't mean you have to go against your values.

 

[not sure]

I don't think it's about sticking up for a person. I think it's about sticking up for right so, if they were arguing unfairly saying emotionally damaging things to one another, I would intervene. I've had instances where I've been unfairly attacked and someone on my side would have renewed my faith in the world. Winning is not the part that's important. Instead, the importance is others recognizing my right to not be dominated. Most arguments are really about that, one person trying to dominate another.

How to handle it. Try to have the parties focus on what they feel, want, the problem and the solution. Steer them away from accusations and making assumptions about the other's state of mind.

 

[Gaze]

Tricky situation. First off, they shouldn't have accosted you. I wish I could intervene sometimes when I see something but I've rarely had positive responses in the few situations I've been in. So, I tend to leave well enough alone. I can give them a disapproving look, but they are responsible for their actions.

 

[Kgal]

So I was accosted by a family member within the past week because I didn't stick up for the person while the person was arguing with another member of the family. These folks have a history of not getting along with each other, and I've come to expect this from them.

I was like "What the hell do you want me to do? Am I supposed to referee here, throw down some flags and put people in the penalty box?"

I believe both of them were behaving poorly, and I've mentioned such to them before but it hasn't changed anything. At this point, I don't say shit.

I don't know if I'm right or wrong.

What would yall have done?

You did one thing I would have done - you asked them what they wanted from you. If it's in within your ability to take that action the next time the arguing starts - then I'd do it - and see what happens.

I don't know the details of the argument. If one was verbally abusing the other - verbally oppressing the other - I would have stepped in between them. Abuse is abuse - no one deserves it - ever. For example: I have stepped in between my ex and his son before someone gets hit.

That said: rescuing is an option - but almost never a solution in the long run.

You are neither right nor wrong. You can only be who you are at that moment.

 

[Sriracha]

I would just say (as I quote from an elder): "Sounds like a personal problem to me" and walk away.