How to better resolve conflict between INFP and INFJ?

danishreck

danishreck

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This has been on my mind for a while.
My boyfriend is an INFJ and is painfully logical during our disagreements, whereas I tend to be a tad more...emotional.
Does anyone have any tips for helping to..mediate the differences? He's a little more open to talking about his feelings than I am, and I tend to really only show reactions to feelings (being quiet and standoffish and irritable when I'm sad, for example)
I feel bad that there's a bit of a wall in communication during those times and I wanted to know if anyone else had any insight?
 
Admitting when you have a problem you need to argue about makes you want to withdraw? Or is it that you have a hard time expressing what the problem is?
 
i usually know what the problem is, i just dont quite know how to express it and it usually ends up with me being very testy/withdrawn. I dont like when people try and start discussions when I am not emotionally ready for them, but I guess no one can know whether I'm ready if i dont talk about it..haha
 
I understand. I have this problem, too. I have learned to say the words, "give me a little time to think." He has learned that it goes so much better if he does just that. Otherwise, I am all passive aggressive and not ready to talk.
 
danishreck said:
This has been on my mind for a while.
My boyfriend is an INFJ and is painfully logical during our disagreements, whereas I tend to be a tad more...emotional.
Does anyone have any tips for helping to..mediate the differences? He's a little more open to talking about his feelings than I am, and I tend to really only show reactions to feelings (being quiet and standoffish and irritable when I'm sad, for example)
I feel bad that there's a bit of a wall in communication during those times and I wanted to know if anyone else had any insight?
Click to expand...

dagger to my heart. this is the reason for at least half of my break-ups.

my last girlfriend and i so desperately wanted to save our relationship that we went to a few couples therapists. they mostly didn't help out at all, but one of them gave us a piece of advice that i wished that we had gotten earlier. (fun fact: this is the first reply that i've written that has made me tear up)

sit down with each other and take out four sheets of paper so that you both have two. write down on the first sheet, individually, how you feel when you're having an argument with each other. then write on the other sheet, individually, what you wish that the other person would do to alleviate the argument. when you're done you read aloud what you've written down and talk about it.

after you've done this, make a contract together. the contract dictates what you're promising each other that you will do in arguments from now on. you make it clear in the contract and to each other that you're willing to do this and for both of you to sacrifice a bit of your pride in doing so. because you love each other, dammit!

i think that might work. if nothing else, you might learn something new about each other. all the best of luck to you both!
 
vandyke said:
the contract dictates what you're promising each other that you will do in arguments from now on. you make it clear in the contract and to each other that you're willing to do this and for both of you to sacrifice a bit of your pride in doing so. because you love each other, dammit!
Click to expand...

haha, my pride definitely comes to play a little bit in arguments. I hate apologizing for things almost as much as I hate talking about my feelings...so having to apologize for something related to my feelings is my worst nightmare haha. I cant speak for my boyfriend though. I do like the idea though. We might try that. thanks :)
 
vandyke said:
dagger to my heart. this is the reason for at least half of my break-ups.

my last girlfriend and i so desperately wanted to save our relationship that we went to a few couples therapists. they mostly didn't help out at all, but one of them gave us a piece of advice that i wished that we had gotten earlier. (fun fact: this is the first reply that i've written that has made me tear up)

sit down with each other and take out four sheets of paper so that you both have two. write down on the first sheet, individually, how you feel when you're having an argument with each other. then write on the other sheet, individually, what you wish that the other person would do to alleviate the argument. when you're done you read aloud what you've written down and talk about it.

after you've done this, make a contract together. the contract dictates what you're promising each other that you will do in arguments from now on. you make it clear in the contract and to each other that you're willing to do this and for both of you to sacrifice a bit of your pride in doing so. because you love each other, dammit!

i think that might work. if nothing else, you might learn something new about each other. all the best of luck to you both!
Click to expand...

danishreck said:
haha, my pride definitely comes to play a little bit in arguments. I hate apologizing for things almost as much as I hate talking about my feelings...so having to apologize for something related to my feelings is my worst nightmare haha. I cant speak for my boyfriend though. I do like the idea though. We might try that. thanks :)
Click to expand...

I really like the idea as well! I think [MENTION=12924]danishreck[/MENTION] and I will change it a bit to more compliment our relationship / personalities, mainly the contract part. While I love the idea, I know that if one of us were to break the contract in the argument the other would probably bring it up out of frustration and that doesn't help. I guess we would focus more on a flexible contract that basically says "hey please don't do this, but if you do, you have to apologize and attempt to make amends for it". Dani and I are both animals of emotion (although we express it in very different fashions) and ignoring that would not really be the best choice lol.

Thank you for your wishes!
 
danishreck said:
haha, my pride definitely comes to play a little bit in arguments. I hate apologizing for things almost as much as I hate talking about my feelings...so having to apologize for something related to my feelings is my worst nightmare haha. I cant speak for my boyfriend though. I do like the idea though. We might try that. thanks :)
Click to expand...

My current partner suffers from GAD. As such, we have to go about our arguments in a very particular way for both of us to be sastisifed. I have found that using a marker board is really good for having discussions because it acts as a barrier and a path to concise and meaningful thoughts and emotions. You may want to try that because by trying to write something, you form a framework and by writing something, you're not directly talking to your partner so you don't have to deal with that emotional/visceral reaction.

With that being said, no relationship works if you have a fear of apologizing and being vulnerable. Moreso than anything else, I believe this is your biggest issue.
 
Reon said:
With that being said, no relationship works if you have a fear of apologizing and being vulnerable. Moreso than anything else, I believe this is your biggest issue.
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I agree. I think I would struggle with anyone (in any kind of relationship) who had issues with not being able to say sorry. "Sorry seems to be the hardest word" as sung by Elton John but has such power to break down tensions and work towards reconciliation. It takes time to get to this place so I would recommend working on yourself or together to find out what the "pride" issues are as this may help move things forward when disagreements occur.
 
So INFJs are super logical in relationships?
I an talk with INFJs to make stuff better?
good good?
 
Arising Tale said:
So INFJs are super logical in relationships?
I an talk with INFJs to make stuff better?
good good?
Click to expand...

No, not really. I test as an INTJ when I am upset / emotionally compromised (as in, so emotional I can't think straight) and that's why I seem to be super-logical during arguments or during times of mental unrest. But outside of those times, I am fun loving, try to forget the rules, and want to make you laugh whenever I get the chance. Am I logical at the core of all those actions? Possibly. But it isn't apparent at all (either internally or externally), if anything I seem a bit silly and ridiculous most of the time. I am more capable of very in depth thought processes combining logic, reason, emotion, and intuition in equal doses than I am capable of an onslaught of just straight logic.

I personally believe that INFJs are entirely capable of being super logical when needed, but if they operate in that mode too long they start to unravel mentally because we are also slave to our emotions / intuition and neither of those involve "super logic" or even logic sometimes. It works in the short term and can be brought up when needed (in my experience), but you won't find us super logical day in and day out.
 
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How do you guys get us to fall in love with you?

You'll have to reason with him. No emotions. Quite literally bite your tongue. He is a lawyer. I must make a note though, if I am correct, you can make reference sentimentality. If you get sad, he'll get sad as well. This is due to how Fe works. It is also more a form of manipulation.

But best way is to imply the answer. Ni will understand implied, because it will hear it, then incorporate it into Ni.

Now as a problem for this, I don't know exactly how he'll react to something negative. Best not to.

Now I don't know about your friend, but assuming he is typed properly, and I am assuming this, take on his feelings and give them back to him. He'll like that. Fe cognitive function has to do with wanting people to be unified. The logic would be that we've grown among strangers, and want someone like us to understand our insane logic. I don't know where I get this information from. Also, don't call him out on his mistakes. He probably hates that, because then his train of thought is broken. You want to make sure the train of thought is not broken, as when it is, we get annoyed.

Pretty much the way it works is that we really don't like being disturbed at all. :P
 
Sometimes people are painfully logical when they are afraid. Maybe he is afraid of you not opening up to him so he's picking stuff apart to see if he can hit the right spot and figure out why you are upset. He could be getting withdrawal vibes from your end, and you may feel like you have to go on defense and sort the feelings through you first. My exes actually used to do this to me when I was having anxiety and I wasn't ready to talk about it. Mostly because in my mind I thought I will speak after the anxiety passes so I don't say something stupid or blown out of proportion. Once I knew that was their motive, I wasn't so sensitive to the conversation at hand when I was having anxiety. But I also learned to say "Hang on anxiety, hug first, talk in a few" so they'd get it.

Ugh and I used to be that way (logical communication with partner)... But over time I think I've become balanced with both logical and emotional discussions, like neither really drain me, and I've gotten better at actually figuring out if someone is hurt by the way they analyze something.
 
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