[INFJ] I hurt an INFJ very bad

[feelsbad]

My reference is to you not respecting the FIRST request she made to you for you to let her be and leave her alone. Kuddos to you for deleting her from your Skype/life after not convincing her that you were sorry and she should stay.

Yeah that's life. Also in the beginning she begged me NOT to leave her, no matter what will happen. She said this and I promised I won't. So she was like "You will leave me. Everyone did. You will see when time comes and I'm freaking out."
So I always thought these were just one of her claimed sporadic stages and she didn't really want me to go... But okay I somehow used forced to make her stay with me. It was egoistic.

 

[acd]

I don't know what to think about all this now after reading all your posts.
Maybe there is no hope for me like you said because I'm mentally ill. Otherwise why you say all this? Do you really think it gives me hope if you tell me how bad I am while saying I will never change?
I want to change me behavior and you just tell me I can't. I see it was inappropriate to defend my behavior towards her, but I seriously didn't know it hit her that hard, because she first said "it's okay. I will forgive you." so I thought she forgave me for real. How could I know she didn't?
It's totally my own fault what I did, but I just don't know how to change seriously. Of course I wouldn't do something like this again.

I just don't know what to do know. I feel empty and everything is painful. I don't want her to be hurt because of me. :/
Why couldn't I think about this when I did this. I hate myself so hard...

You get to decide who you are and what you are capable of. If you want to overcome whatever issues you have-- then forget the people who tell you that you can never change... And focus on that goal. There will always be naysayers.

 

[Sandie33]

Yeah that's life. Also in the beginning she begged me NOT to leave her, no matter what will happen. She said this and I promised I won't. So she was like "You will leave me. Everyone did. You will see when time comes and I'm freaking out."
So I always thought these were just one of her claimed sporadic stages and she didn't really want me to go... But okay I somehow used forced to make her stay with me. It was egoistic.

Circular arguments.

 

[feelsbad]

You are all right I guess. I somehow used her to fill some kind of emptiness inside of me. I am currently unable to have a relationship or anything like that. I need to get help first and then probably in a few years I will be ready for this.

But the problem with therapy is: When I'm at therapy my therapist gives me advices like this "you should try out socializing instead of being alone all the time". So I try and it ends up like this. Then I'm alone again, so I seek help again. And the circle continues. How should I change then? Therapy always just says something like "fill the void".

 

[Love_Conquers_All]

You need to stop shying away from your real issues. Face your demons and conquer them, crush them underfoot and make them your bitch. Use your mind to control your emotions do not let your emotions control you. Therapy is good if the therapist is actually pushing you to face these problems. That is the job of a therapist to propel you forward to overcoming your problems. If they are not doing that find a different therapist. I am going to refrain from being anymore blunt than this as you seem to be in a fragile emotional state and probably can't handle it. If this makes you want to cry than good, let it out.

 

[Ryso89]

Let's review:

First, you started off your relationship with this person by lying to her. That's generally a bad move no matter who you're dealing with, but with an INFJ it's a poison pill.

Second, you betrayed her trust by posting her information online without her permission, and to compound matters you represented her as your girlfriend.

Third, you bombarded her with messages including "hundreds of apologies" because those would certainly rectify the two mistakes above.

Ergo:



What you need to do is move on with your life, leave this person alone and learn from this series of mistakes. You're actually fortunate she still talked to you at all after the first one. The second was the icing on the cake.

This.

You will move on, because she is absolutely done with you, if she is a healthy individual and aware of toxic habits, which it sounds like she is. May you receive this as a lesson.

 

[biwaly]

forget the people who tell you that you can never change

I really want to believe that people can change. After so many promises, realization and "change" they all get back to their true self, didn't even care what they have done. Well... I guess in the end all humans do what is right to them. Which means they do what is benefitical to them and they choose the action which justify them.

That's why I don't trust and I don't expect anything. It makes me more tolerant if they screw up. I understood that some people can't understand what they doing wrong. Because they just can't accept. The others who understand can't change. Because it's too late for them. I just accepted them as they are, when they screw up I just dealed with them. Expecting a change is futile.

If there is hope about change I will gladly read your post. Maybe I and @feelsbad will find the answer we looking for.

 

[Owen]

I personally think you should just leave her alone and learn from this experience.

 

[Ryso89]

You get to decide who you are and what you are capable of. If you want to overcome whatever issues you have-- then forget the people who tell you that you can never change... And focus on that goal. There will always be naysayers.

To add to this, OP: you must focus on forming new, healthier habits in your relationships. All change is born from creating / building the new. You must try to change those negative thought patterns that keep you in a state of trepidation into more positive thought patterns. The more you do so, the easier it becomes, and after a while, you will see positive change on the outside. Your thoughts become your reality, and you wield the scepter of power.

Go get em.

 

[Littlelissa]

To add to this, OP: you must focus on forming new, healthier habits in your relationships. All change is born from creating / building the new. You must try to change those negative thought patterns that keep you in a state of trepidation into more positive thought patterns. The more you do so, the easier it becomes, and after a while, you will see positive change on the outside. Your thoughts become your reality, and you wield the scepter of power.

Go get em.

I like that tone.... I think @feelsbad has probably got the message by now about all that he did wrong.
Change those thoughts and negative patterns, and like @Ryoso89 said, 'go get em'

 

[James]

You are all right I guess. I somehow used her to fill some kind of emptiness inside of me. I am currently unable to have a relationship or anything like that. I need to get help first and then probably in a few years I will be ready for this.

But the problem with therapy is: When I'm at therapy my therapist gives me advices like this "you should try out socializing instead of being alone all the time". So I try and it ends up like this. Then I'm alone again, so I seek help again. And the circle continues. How should I change then? Therapy always just says something like "fill the void".

Only you really know what's going on inside you. Try not to "think" it all through. One of the difficulties I think T types can have is accepting and trusting their feelings.

Let go and accept them. Socialise or don't. Follow those feelings a little, take it gradually. Having a logical thought process is valuable. But we ALL have feelings. They're important, and they can push through unexpectedly if they're ignored.

They're as much a part of you as your thoughts or physical being. I believe they exist for a good reason. Trust them in moderation. You probably sought the company of an infj for that reason

 

[feelsbad]

You probably sought the company of an infj for that reason

That's true. She even understood my feelings better than me. It was somehow magic. While I don't even feel my own ones. It's somehow weird. This took me into a lot of troubles in the past already, because I just ignored that I have feelings.

 

[acd]

That's true. She even understood my feelings better than me. It was somehow magic. While I don't even feel my own ones. It's somehow weird. This took me into a lot of troubles in the past already, because I just ignored that I have feelings.

IMO, I'd say, don't rely on anyone else to understand you or your feelings. You have to do that work yourself, first, before you can have a successful relationship with anyone else. You have to get in touch with and know yourself. Good luck.

 

[Milktoast Bandit]

know yourself

know yourself

know yourself

know yourself

know yourself

know yourself

know yourself

know yourself

know yourself

know yourself

know yourself

know yourself

know yourself

know yourself

know yourself

know yourself

know yourself

know yourself

know yourself

know yourself

That is all.

 

[acd]

I mean, if she is INFJ and she saw things in you, that is great. That is very valuable. Now let that be a catalyst to get to know yourself.

 

[James]

That's true. She even understood my feelings better than me. It was somehow magic. While I don't even feel my own ones. It's somehow weird. This took me into a lot of troubles in the past already, because I just ignored that I have feelings.

I think you've reached this place for a reason. Give it time, be kind to yourself. Stay away from the things that brought you pain the best you can. Opening up to how important our feelings are is a big deal for men.

We often grow up in cultures that teach us to push them aside. They matter. Your infj has shown you that much. If you accept them now, your life is open to new possibilities. Maybe this woman will reconnect with you, but leave that up to her.

If you've changed (your behaviour not who you are) she'll see that. Being logical or preferring to use your thinking preference isn't wrong. But to never engage that with your feelings is.

Good luck.

 

[feelsbad]

I really try to, but it's hard when I usually just can't say if I'm upset, angry, happy, full of hate, full of love or what else. I just feel there is "something" and that's it. Can't differentiate. But I will try to improve now. Thank you all.

 

[acd]

I really try to, but it's hard when I usually just can't say if I'm upset, angry, happy, full of hate, full of love or what else. I just feel there is "something" and that's it. Can't differentiate. But I will try to improve now. Thank you all.

Is this something you talk about with your therapist?

You don't have to give details...I'm not looking for details, really. I just think it sounds like something you can work on with a professional.

 

[feelsbad]

Is this something you talk about with your therapist?

Yes. Why do you ask? In the past I felt usually nothing, so she said I should try to fill the void. Then I searched on the Internet for people. You know how this ended. Will talk to her again in a few days and then I will tell her everything.

 

[acd]

Yes. Why do you ask? In the past I felt usually nothing, so she said I should try to fill the void. Then I searched on the Internet for people. You know how this ended. Will talk to her again in a few days and then I will tell her everything.

I mean about learning how to identify and differentiate your emotions. I would talk about that with a therapist.