I met an INFJ. She's amazing. We've had some great talks. I don't want to ruin this. All input w

[IndigoSensor]

Psh, F functions are over-rated. Given the option I would trade in my Fe for Te instantly no questions asked! (My core deeply wishes I were ENTJ, but that's another matter).

I do understand what you are saying though, you need a balance and with the contexts of relationships that is exactly what you need to. Be yourself of course, but make sure you bend out what is needed and nesscarry. Echoing what Anita said, just go with the flow. If there is one thing I have learned, trying to "plan and make" relationships doesn't work. All it leads to is an extremely high level of stress, and over-focus on the object of romantic interest. Which in turn, causes you to be unable to be yourself.

 

[Forest Dweller]

I've got the opposite take and would suggest you not take the slow road too far.
I'm INFJ, I've dated INFJ people before. I really, really feel much better if the other person gives us an unequivocal signal of interest. I've heard the same from the other INFJ people I know and have dated or tried to date.
So don't stop at one rose. Go for 12 if you have the coin. Then ask her if she'd like to do something cliche (without saying exactly that), like dinner and a movie alone. If no, then have a more platonic backup in mind and ready, like a bike ride with friends or something.
My guess is that she's interested in you and the wheels are turning in her head as well. I'd give you 3:1 odds or better. If so, show her some interest. If I'm wrong, I've never gone wrong sharing my feelings about someone at the beginning of a friendship. It hits you like a rock when that person says they don't feel the same way, but it makes the friendship work if you can get the feelings on the table, and if rejected, work on the friendship.

 

[Billy]

Just share your thoughts, feelings, ambitions, dreams and visions and listen to hers, the rest will unfold naturally in time.

You can apply this advice to any MBTI type also.

Just in an INFJs case, don't push past her red lights, don't force it because you're gonna get yourself booted out.

 

[Tamagochi]

Good luck is not enough therefore some friendly advise here (oh... I just loooove advising others lately on romantic matters, don't I?)

From the situation you've described I would say that things aren't very stellar and you might be heading towards her friend-zone. Which by itself isn't that bad though you probably hope for something more. I've been through the situation like this and I recognize the signs.

Generally you're making two big mistakes:
- showing too much affection for her. This includes the trip you are trying hard to advertise on FB, the ballet tickets and probably a lot more subtle actions which you might not even be aware of. She perceives as: you're too weak to handle her.
- daydreaming about ideal future with her. Save it for later, much much later. Right now it kills your natural spontaneity and leads to over-analysis. She perceives as: you're too detached and do not care about her. Or just plain creepy if you overdo it.

INFJ women have detectors the size of a football stadium and by now she has registered quite a few warning signs coming from you. The fact that she still keeps your company indicates that she might have some interest in you and is secretly evaluating or considers you for a friend. The outcome depends on you.

The flower thing... I would advise against it. You can bring some safely to ballet because it is expected from you but otherwise save it for later. It all depends on your mindset - if you give flowers to get her approval of you then it sends the wrong signal (it seems to me that this is the sate you're in now therefore I'm advising not to do it). If you can give flowers just because then it's the right thing to do. Same action - two very different outcomes. Go figure

There are many different strategies how to hook up with a girl and you'll find something that works for you or maybe already have. There's just one rule: girls are attracted to a display of strength. And the strength of character is demonstrated when you resist the temptation to go out of your way for her.

 

[Sesquipedalian]

Good luck is not enough therefore some friendly advise here (oh... I just loooove advising others lately on romantic matters, don't I?)

From the situation you've described I would say that things aren't very stellar and you might be heading towards her friend-zone. Which by itself isn't that bad though you probably hope for something more. I've been through the situation like this and I recognize the signs.

Generally you're making two big mistakes:
- showing too much affection for her. This includes the trip you are trying hard to advertise on FB, the ballet tickets and probably a lot more subtle actions which you might not even be aware of. She perceives as: you're too weak to handle her.
- daydreaming about ideal future with her. Save it for later, much much later. Right now it kills your natural spontaneity and leads to over-analysis. She perceives as: you're too detached and do not care about her. Or just plain creepy if you overdo it.

INFJ women have detectors the size of a football stadium and by now she has registered quite a few warning signs coming from you. The fact that she still keeps your company indicates that she might have some interest in you and is secretly evaluating or considers you for a friend. The outcome depends on you.

The flower thing... I would advise against it. You can bring some safely to ballet because it is expected from you but otherwise save it for later. It all depends on your mindset - if you give flowers to get her approval of you then it sends the wrong signal (it seems to me that this is the sate you're in now therefore I'm advising not to do it). If you can give flowers just because then it's the right thing to do. Same action - two very different outcomes. Go figure

There are many different strategies how to hook up with a girl and you'll find something that works for you or maybe already have. There's just one rule: girls are attracted to a display of strength. And the strength of character is demonstrated when you resist the temptation to go out of your way for her.

I just don't like this approach. Don't take this personally, I'm not talking about you as a person, so much as the tactics you're suggesting.

I know it works with a lot of people. I know it plays on human psychology, but I just hate this approach. I'm not posting on her facebook every day or texting her or being a creeper - I'm giving her space, but I'm never going to get to know her by ignoring her. I like being transparent, and I feel that if the girl has any sense at all she ought to recognize I'm a catch without me having to screw with her mind. ...I haven't talked about myself in this thread and am not inclined to try to demonstrate that point, but I have a lot to offer.

Meh. I've always been cursed in the relationship department; all I know how to be is honest, open, straight-forward, and if she doesn't like me then it's not meant to be. I just don't play games. If I have to do a power play to get her to like me then she doesn't know what she's looking for and is liking me for the wrong reasons. She should think to herself "Hey, I enjoy talking to him. He's a thoughtful guy. He has a good heart." and recognize there's something there.

I've got the opposite take and would suggest you not take the slow road too far.
I'm INFJ, I've dated INFJ people before. I really, really feel much better if the other person gives us an unequivocal signal of interest. I've heard the same from the other INFJ people I know and have dated or tried to date.
So don't stop at one rose. Go for 12 if you have the coin. Then ask her if she'd like to do something cliche (without saying exactly that), like dinner and a movie alone. If no, then have a more platonic backup in mind and ready, like a bike ride with friends or something.
My guess is that she's interested in you and the wheels are turning in her head as well. I'd give you 3:1 odds or better. If so, show her some interest. If I'm wrong, I've never gone wrong sharing my feelings about someone at the beginning of a friendship. It hits you like a rock when that person says they don't feel the same way, but it makes the friendship work if you can get the feelings on the table, and if rejected, work on the friendship.

I don't like to let things linger too long either. I just feel as though I'm still getting to know her and she's just beginning to get semi-comfortable opening up a bit to me.

Regarding flowers, I've decided not to do it. I think I'd be hoping for some romance movie response and she'd just be embarrassed. Plus, I'd be setting myself up to really look like a fool it if went down weird.

 

[Lilchamor]

One of the biggest turn-offs for me was when a guy bought me a present during a first date. He may have thought it was sweet and romantic, but to me, it said he was desperate, that he had already put much more stake into our "relationship" in his mind than I ever had. So, yeah, no flowers.

I think she probably likes you. Those little details (like telling you about corns on her feet) signal something to me. I think the best approach is just to tell her you like her as more than a friend, and ask if she feels the same way. Like some people mentioned earlier, INFJ girls can recede fast if they think you're not interested, so let her know that you are!

 

[Sesquipedalian]

I'm getting two totally opposite sets of advice here xD STRIKE FAST! and "DUDE... DON'T RUSH."

I just want you all to know, coming from all INTJs. I love you INFJs. I really do

 

[Tamagochi]

You're strange INTJ indeed maybe because you're in love...

My point was that if you've met a girl of your dreams then it makes sense to use your best and most powerful abilities to create a relationship. Because this is it.

Anyway keep us updated about your story - it's really interesting.

 

[Billy]

One of the biggest turn-offs for me was when a guy bought me a present during a first date. He may have thought it was sweet and romantic, but to me, it said he was desperate, that he had already put much more stake into our "relationship" in his mind than I ever had. So, yeah, no flowers.

I think she probably likes you. Those little details (like telling you about corns on her feet) signal something to me. I think the best approach is just to tell her you like her as more than a friend, and ask if she feels the same way. Like some people mentioned earlier, INFJ girls can recede fast if they think you're not interested, so let her know that you are!

I think its also that INFJs, and im sure especially females in general want to be wanted for more then just sex, thier looks or to fill someones "girlfriend" role.

Bum rushing a girl IME has never worked any time I ever tried, because they thought I was trying to put them into a role as opposed to wanting to know about them and get to know them. I suppose it works the same for me, I have had girls try to put me into a BF role before I even felt safe trusting them with my feelings or knowledge of my past/life.

It felt like "Damn, she just wants a BF and to have a BF, I am interchangeable in this equation with just about any other guy... so why bother?"

It's like how I am automatically distrustful of most new people I meet, to me, trust is something earned, not given and depleted over time. I want to feel safe in my relationship with someone before I start treating them like I am safe, and often times, I am wanted to do that in reverse, but that feels so unnatural to me.

 

[Sesquipedalian]

I agree Billy, and again you make a good point

I think it's important she knows WHY I like her - for her heart - because I'm sure a lot of guys are attracted to her. She's beautiful! I've told her she looks great on a few occasions and complimented her intelligence, but I've never actually really said why I like her. I think that's a great point to make when I actually let her know how I feel.

 

[Tamagochi]

I am getting curious - can you name three negative things about her? No human being is perfect therefore she must have some flaws but you've been talking just about the positives till now.

 

[88chaz88]

Thanks man. We INTJs have so much to offer (as do INFJs). I just hope our prospective womenses recognize this I think INTJs and INFJs are the ultimate pair. One feeler, one thinker, both usually highly intelligent, both usually highly artistic. If superman and wonder woman had babies, they'd be intjs and infjs.

Nah, ISFP/INFJ combo > all.

 

[Forest Dweller]

I think there's a middle ground, you're on the right track with the assumption that the time's coming up to tell her how you feel, at least a little bit.
My flowers comment needs to be taken in context. The context is this: artistic performance is one of the few times (up there with illness and graduations) when an admirer of ambivalent standing can ham it up and give flowers to someone without losing the ambivalence. Showing up with flowers after a performance is different than showing up at her door. It can be taken as an act of flattery from a male friend and nothing more. Or more.
You know better than her what the situation is. My sense of doubt about whether people really like me is overly acute, so I really like to get some sense that someone's interested, so I'm probably projecting onto her.

 

[Sesquipedalian]

I am getting curious - can you name three negative things about her? No human being is perfect therefore she must have some flaws but you've been talking just about the positives till now.

Interesting question. I think as you get to know someone you first see the good then you begin to see some of the flaws later on, unless they're just really messed up in which case it's obvious lol.

It is perhaps the same things that make her great that would probably bring some measure of frustration into our relationship, even if we were just friends; she is intensely private. I value transparency and communication. I suspect those things would come with time, but I feel she could work on being more outgoing, acknowledging the fact that hiding too much of yourself really limits your ability to connect to people.

I sense that she is a strong J as on a couple of occasions she's started saying something about a particular group or thing (that is going to be very negative) then stops herself, probably because she realizes that she might offend me or make herself look bad. She might be rather opinionated, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I'm pretty opinionated myself . Your profile does say that you usually think you're right and usually are. Well, I usually think I'm right and I usually am . That said, two mature people should be able to talk about things to the point of understanding the other person's perspective. Two people might be looking at a cylinder from different angles. One sees a circle. One sees a square. Neither is wrong.

Hm... Still getting to know her and can't really peg a third one. I'm not sure if our senses of humor mesh yet. She hasn't really opened up to me enough yet to freely joke. The F/T thing is always a balance between any two types - the T has to be understanding of the F's emotions. The F has to be understanding of the T accidentally being insensitive at times.

Nah, ISFP/INFJ combo > all.

I can't speak for ISFPs and INFJs, but I can confirm that ISFP is a terrible match for INTJs. My first girlfriend was an ISFP. Part of this probably stems from immaturity, as we were both young, but it was a mess. She didn't trust my commitment to her and didn't even want me to be friends with other girls. She had a good heart, but didn't really know what she believed - she just kind of accepted what everyone around her thought. She couldn't be decisive if her life depended on it and had the depth of a puddle; she loved being seen at Starbucks and going to movies, but good luck talking about the deeper things of life! I worked really, really, really hard to meet her emotional needs, show her I care for her. I wrote her some amazing poetry... She ended up deciding I didn't meet her needs in the way she thought they should be met without ever communicating what she needed, treated me like garbage for about a week straight for no good reason, and then acted shocked when I broke up with her.

...but I'm sure you're not at all like that Personally, I feel Ns and Ss should avoid each other in romantic relaitonships at all costs. All other traits are fine but Ns and Ss have a critical breakdown when it comes to the areas of communication and priorities.

 

[88chaz88]

I can't speak for ISFPs and INFJs, but I can confirm that ISFP is a terrible match for INTJs. My first girlfriend was an ISFP. Part of this probably stems from immaturity, as we were both young, but it was a mess. She didn't trust my commitment to her and didn't even want me to be friends with other girls. She had a good heart, but didn't really know what she believed - she just kind of accepted what everyone around her thought. She couldn't be decisive if her life depended on it and had the depth of a puddle; she loved being seen at Starbucks and going to movies, but good luck talking about the deeper things of life! I worked really, really, really hard to meet her emotional needs, show her I care for her. I wrote her some amazing poetry... She ended up deciding I didn't meet her needs in the way she thought they should be met without ever communicating what she needed, treated me like garbage for about a week straight for no good reason, and then acted shocked when I broke up with her.

...but I'm sure you're not at all like that Personally, I feel Ns and Ss should avoid each other in romantic relaitonships at all costs. All other traits are fine but Ns and Ss have a critical breakdown when it comes to the areas of communication and priorities.

I only know one ISFP, which is me, I can't say that sounds anything like me at all.

 

[Sesquipedalian]

I only know one ISFP, which is me, I can't say that sounds anything like me at all.

Well that's a pretty sexy rainbow unicorn in your profile so I think we're solid. Anyone with an avatar that amazing can't be half bad

 

[Forest Dweller]

While we're speaking about lessons learned and prior relationships, last month I ended a relationship with an ESTP. A great time, but the communication was just awful.

 

[Sesquipedalian]

While we're speaking about lessons learned and prior relationships, last month I ended a relationship with an ESTP. A great time, but the communication was just awful.

Yep. If you just stick to that one rule: Don't mix Ss and Ns

...you have a significantly higher chances of it working. Ns and Ss just speak completely different languages. I will say things in the most articulate, specific way I know how to express a concept and the S will completely misconstrue my point. The S will try hard to get his or her point across and I'll do my best to summarize their point and they'll claim I misunderstand. As an NT, I love working with my ST buddy here, but when it comes to romance, AVOID.

JUST SAY NO TO SENSORS

 

[Stella]

She is! Regarding withdrawing... Do you tone down your actions toward a guy to see how he'll react or as a self-preservation tactic?

Regarding camps, I agree that things like that can bring people together due to the whimsical nature of special weekends like that, but I don't really get too lost in experiences like that. Actually, despite my attraction to her that weekend, I wanted to focus on God, not romantic relationships, so I made an effort to minimize any feelings I was developing for her throughout the weekend.

Just curious, if she's happy about me, why, in INFJ terms, would she withdraw?

As agreed above I do think it's wise to simply "be there" for now and let her get to know me. I'm going to Swan Lake and just set up a facebook event for an awesome hiking trip the next weekend. She showed a lot of interest in that initially, so if she shies away from that then perhaps that's a sign she isn't interested...

A little of both. I don't want to be too interested in a guy if he doesn't care about me or is only friendly. Like, I don't want to waste my time. Plus, I know some girls are too blunt with their feelings towards guys, and the guys get really creeped out. So I personally don't want to get hurt from having the person I like not like me at all.

That's a good thing. Now that you are no longer on a retreat, you should be a little less God and a little more her when around her. I had a male acquantiance who I discovered was interested in me when I was in 9th grade. We were in the same math class and all he ever talked about was math. He greeted me in the halls and such, but conversation was usually limited to math. He moved before I found out he liked me, and it's a shame because I liked him a bit back then. Had he showed more interest in me than in writing proofs, it might have gone somewhere. But, I would have been totally creeped out had he out of nowhere said "I like you a lot. Wanna go out this weekend?" I had only known him for the semester-long math class. Me on INFJs Forums is the quickest I've ever opened up to anyone, let alone thousands of strangers on the internet. It usually takes me like a month before I start really posting the nitty-gritty on me and my life. If she's an INFJ, it'll take some time. Get to know her. I can not stress this enough.

Well, I know I withdraw from people when I am happy because it's kind of like that feeling when you have a secret. You want it to be all yours, so you don't want to share it. Then, also, you don't want people interrupting your "happy high" in any way. Plus, when you can be detached from others when you're happy, you can think about it and dream/contemplate/analyze/get over it/whatever. Does that make sense?

It may not mean she's not interested. It may mean she has plans. On the other hand, she may feel like you are being too pushy at friendship, let alone a relationship. I'd know something was up if you were constantly showing up at my events or inviting me to things if I had basically just met you.

Hope this helps!

 

[KorJax]

Yep. If you just stick to that one rule: Don't mix Ss and Ns

...you have a significantly higher chances of it working. Ns and Ss just speak completely different languages. I will say things in the most articulate, specific way I know how to express a concept and the S will completely misconstrue my point. The S will try hard to get his or her point across and I'll do my best to summarize their point and they'll claim I misunderstand. As an NT, I love working with my ST buddy here, but when it comes to romance, AVOID.

JUST SAY NO TO SENSORS

So true!

I'm sure SP's (or S's in general) are mature and intelligent people in their own right but they do a really really fantastic job of appearing (or actually being) really immature, shallow, and self-centered in their core values and character. And then you have to watch your self when dealing with the S's that are like the above deep down but frequenly put on elaborate "masks" to make themselves more appealing to people instead of just being sincere and intelligent towards themselves and others.

At least the ones I've known and the one I tried to date myself. "Space Cadet" is the perfect descriptor for those the ones I've met - and not only in one area of their lives were they like that. It's ALL areas :s