I met an INFJ. She's amazing. We've had some great talks. I don't want to ruin this. All input w

[Tamagochi]

You two are going alone on that trip?

Anyway great update I wish you the best of luck.

 

[Sesquipedalian]

You two are going alone on that trip?

Anyway great update I wish you the best of luck.

No haha, not alone, but it'll probably end up being a group of just 4 or so people, which is how I like it anyway. I always invite 6-10 people on a hike and inevitably most of them flake out (usually after saying, "I LOVE HIKING YEAH I'D LOVE TO GO!"). It's better with a small group; there are fewer people for me to keep track of and less chance of someone getting injured and slowing down everyone else.

It'll most likely be her, a mutual friend, me and a guy who wanted to join.

I was just concerned that things would go south when I let her know I wanted to date her - that she'd clam up and avoid me or something. You all seemed to indicate that this could happen and it's the last thing I wanted because she's really special. To my great relief, her response was quite the opposite. She was very open and honest and I could tell she cared about maintaining a relationship.

I'm happy with that!

 

[44sunsets]

Tonight was awesome! Beautiful singing. Anyway, I was going to ask her to dinner in person, but another guy, who I think likes her, was there. I thought about asking but figured it'd be more embarrassing for her.

It doesn't matter whether another guy likes her -- chances are, there will always be quite a few guys who secretly (or openly) like the girl you are interested in. You must not concern yourself with those guys.

I don't really like the idea of a dinner date -- your aim is to be fun and exciting, and different. Don't just do the same thing that every other boring guy does, i.e. never do the age-old movies + dinner date when you're still in the early stages. Go to an art gallery, browse the local markets, check out the comic book stands, do something interactive instead. Afterwards, you can goto a cafe to continue the conversation, or perhaps even a light dinner if things went really well. You sound like a creative and intelligent guy, I'm sure you can come up with lots more examples tailored to your personality.

Also, I don't think the idea of "group outings" or "group dates" is a good idea at all. It's distracting, and dare I say it it's way too lateral -- your aim is to have fun with each other and get to know each other better, and group settings are almost always a bad match for this. It also masks your intentions and makes them ambiguous, or in the worse case, makes you seem "sneaky". A girl will always know when you're interested in her, there's no need to hide behind group outings for "safety or anything like that.

I thought you all might want an update ^_^.
EDIT: She clarified that she wasn't good with talking on the phone while she was driving and asked if I meant a date. I let her know that if that's not she wanted then not to worry about it. She said that, because she's not sure how long she'll be here (with her dancing), she doesn't want to get in a relationship right now.

It's usually not a good sign when a girl asks you if you are asking her on a date. But if you do find yourself in such a situation, your only appropriate reply is a confident "yes, absolutely" with no wishy-washiness or apologising/mitigating.

Whenever a girl says she's "not ready for a relationship right now" or similar, that's code for "I'm not attracted to you".

I know, attraction at first seems such a mysterious thing -- but after a while, you'll come to understand it.

If you get a lot of mixed signals from a girl, then chances are very good that she's not interested. If she feels real attraction and chemistry for you, you will not fail to notice it. This is regardless of personality type.

I thought you all might want an update ^_^.
...
...and she's still coming on the hike! I just feel better you guys. Now she knows, our friendship is intact. And heck, I might've planted an idea in her head that'll get her thinking about me (I guess I'm a hopeless optimist).

Good times INFJs. You're a lovely bunch. I've never known anyone handle such a delicate situation with such grace.

Sesquipedalian, she has rejected you outright. I know it doesn't really look that way, but if you read between the lines, she's made it clear that she's not attracted to you. Her ringing you back and her still coming on the hike is just a common "diplomatic" way for girls to soften the blow of a rejection. I suspect you probably understand this already, but I felt it was worth pointing it out in case there was any doubt. It took me a long time to grok and accept the mysteries of these things.

You seem like a really great guy, good luck with your future endeavours (with other girls). Hope you're feeling OK. You can still have a great friendship with this girl, and who knows, she could introduce you to other great girls.

 

[dj-elsa]

all the other females sound about right to me. sounds like she does like you, she's probably just busy thinking about stuff and doesn't realize that comes off as being withdrawn, since she is there physically. she might just be resting so she can be friendly when she finally is able to comfortably engage in conversation. i'd say you should take her one rose. She's a ballerina, so she's a performer, so just speaking as someone else who performs, i tell people about shows to grow the audience and sometimes people get hurt. if she just arrived she might be meeting a few people so she doesn't jump in to something, but if you continue being friendly to her i bet she's gonna pick you if that's the case. surely if you see how wonderful she is so do lots of other people. the few times i've connected to someone were because they shared their friendship wth me. they totally showed some kind of interest in dating, butmore than anything they were very nice to me when they could tell i was drowning in social situations or they hung out with me so other people would keep away when i wasn't up for talking.

idk if this is female or INFJ, but, when you do talk to other people, try to takl to more males than females cuz our feelings get hurt easy. Idk bout other female INFJs but i don't like feeling like you don't automatically see how great i am and have to blatantly comopare me to other chicks. it';s not jealousy, i just feel like you might never see my worth. i tend to be very private about which guys i've had "in teh running" before. I guess that's one of those judgemental "systems" that I have set up for myself that became a judgement basis on men without noticign it. Read her though, if she seems to like that you talk to as many females as males go for it! I don't think theres a global INFJ system for how women want men to act. Also checkup on her often. Most people don't like crowding but INFJs don't have too many close friends so we appreciate the social support. Of course, if she's withdrawn, I'd say be around her physical space but just keep yourself busy with your own stuff to give her mental space. I gotta tell you, it's been sooo hard for me to find men that don't seem clingy for that reason. I've always chosen the ones that can hang out without needing too much and at the same time let me know they are interested in me.

 

[FamineGT]

I feel as though this thread is very repetitive of all of us.


He's going to do what he's going to do.
I'm not sure our input necessarily matters
anymore at this point.


I'm just thinking aloud now; feel free to negative rep me for somehow being a bitch!

I laughed when I read this. This is how I feel sometimes when people tell me their problems and regardless on whether you agree or disagree with their choice of decision, you can kind of see where they're going to do.

And Sesquipedalian, I'd believe you are an INTJ because you definitely seem to be thinking a lot about the situation! I did enjoy reading about how the situation unfolded. My impression on the situation is that she does like you as a person, but perhaps not so much as a potential partner. I think it might stay at the friendship level (if you're okay with that). Here's my general feelings on my thoughts (based on your story):

1) the initial hug seems to have taken her aback a bit. I'm not sure whether her response of "So I'll see you... next Thursday?" was of interest or awkwardness...you'll have to be the judge on that since you were able to catch other items like body language, facial expression, etc.

2) the weekend hiking offer seemed a bit sudden. I'm not too sure if she reacted a bit awkwardly to the sudden plan being offered. For myself, I tend to be pretty hesitant with outings offered by people I just recently met. If I've known someone for a long period of time, I'm be more open to those type of suggestions but even then, it does kind of throw me off unless I really had nothing else to do, or wanted to do.

3) The reaction to the phone call after the performance. I gather she was with a friend or someone else when you made the call. She also didn't seem to know how she wanted to react/respond to your admission. It seems like it was pretty sudden for her too.

And here's why I think it'll work as a friendship:

1) She's still talking to you after your admission. If she really didn't like you at all, she wouldn't be calling you back or put herself in places where you'll be.

2) You've met her parents. I wouldn't introduce my parents to people unless I knew them well, or if by chance, happen to run into my parents while I was with others. The circumstances made it easier for you to meet them, but the fact you went to dinner with them is encouraging.

3) I think she definitely appreciated your honesty in your admission. My only suggestion is not to pursue it too much and perhaps she'll appreciate you more for it. It seems like the times you were a bit too forward or direct seem to take her aback a bit. It'll be a more comfortable situation for her if she can approach/speak to you first about items rather than the other way around.

Just my thoughts. I hope it helps! ^^

 

[theinkling]

It's usually not a good sign when a girl asks you if you are asking her on a date. But if you do find yourself in such a situation, your only appropriate reply is a confident "yes, absolutely" with no wishy-washiness or apologising/mitigating.

Whenever a girl says she's "not ready for a relationship right now" or similar, that's code for "I'm not attracted to you".

I know, attraction at first seems such a mysterious thing -- but after a while, you'll come to understand it.

If you get a lot of mixed signals from a girl, then chances are very good that she's not interested. If she feels real attraction and chemistry for you, you will not fail to notice it. This is regardless of personality type.



Sesquipedalian, she has rejected you outright. I know it doesn't really look that way, but if you read between the lines, she's made it clear that she's not attracted to you. Her ringing you back and her still coming on the hike is just a common "diplomatic" way for girls to soften the blow of a rejection. I suspect you probably understand this already, but I felt it was worth pointing it out in case there was any doubt. It took me a long time to grok and accept the mysteries of these things.

You seem like a really great guy, good luck with your future endeavours (with other girls). Hope you're feeling OK. You can still have a great friendship with this girl, and who knows, she could introduce you to other great girls.

I disagree with all of this. As a chick, a) yes, I may ask if you're asking me out on a date, if I want you to be direct with me.

I absolutely have told guys I'm not ready for a relationship despite being totally physically attracted to the guy. When I had just broken up with a boyfriend, or if I had a reason to fear getting involved, I was honest about this.

I have had many boyfriends that gave me terribly mixed signals at first. I don't think that's a good generalization.

I don't know that he's been rejected. I think this assumption has been really unfair.

I think he's doing a fine job trying to figure out if she's on the same page. It seems to me he should just be casual, honest, don't beat around the bush, and make sure she knows that you don't have too much emotionally invested in a relationship with her (if he can truly just be friends with her). Honestly, that's probably all you're going to get from her at first. Sounds like INFJ's need a friendship before a relationship, but I'm not really sure.

 

[44sunsets]

I absolutely have told guys I'm not ready for a relationship despite being totally physically attracted to the guy. When I had just broken up with a boyfriend, or if I had a reason to fear getting involved, I was honest about this.

I have had many boyfriends that gave me terribly mixed signals at first. I don't think that's a good generalization.

She hasn't just recently broken up with a boyfriend. You're projecting your own rationalisations onto her.

The pattern of behaviour when taken as a whole paints a very clear picture. Pattern recognition is something that INFJs and INTJs are very good at -- nurture this ability, it will serve you well.

3) The reaction to the phone call after the performance. I gather she was with a friend or someone else when you made the call. She also didn't seem to know how she wanted to react/respond to your admission. It seems like it was pretty sudden for her too.

Rejections are always awkward. Most decent people struggle to find the "right" way to reject someone without hurting their feelings too much or being an ass about it. Some guys take rejections badly, which is another reason many girls try to couch the rejection in as subtle a way as possible. Unfortunately, this often turns clear rejections into ambiguous messes which leads people running around pointlessly in circles, pursuing something which is out of reach.

If I were in Sesquipedalian's shoes, I would just throttle way back and take things easy -- intensity is not something that is wise at this time. Limit contact with the INFJ girl and give her space. If she actually does have any romantic interest left for him, it'll show up eventually, when she's ready. In the meantime, get on with life, pursue other girls, pursue your own passions and calling. If she's meant to be the special one, then it will resolve itself sooner or later... else, well that's life.

Remember that there are plenty of wonderful girls out there. There's no need to fear that you missed out on "the one" or anything like that.