I quit

alt ctrl del said:
You choose to hang onto baggage. You can either lug it around and mope around about your disappointments or heal your way out of them, baggage free. It's all totally up the the person. We make ourselves slaves to unwanted feelings and events when really, with a little analysis, we should be able to let it go and learn more about ourselves in the process.
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I like that idea, Yoda. ;)
 
I'm more of a kind of a kick in the ass tough love stranger than an alien guru. But thanks.
 
Blind Bandit said:
pretty much said what I was thinking but was to stressed to say out loud. rep

Asking a human being to not feel hope and excitement with a new person is not realistic.
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If that is what you think I was saying, then you've completely misunderstood.
 
Hope is just not something you want to leave for someone you have the intention of rejecting...it is childlike and selfish to do so since it demeans the other person's sense of judgement for the sake of running away unscathed.
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Totally agree with this! However, I broke up with someone rather harshly in 2006, and went a little bit *too* far in that direction. Read about it here.

If someone had broken up with me like that I would have been initially crushed -- but at least it lets me know that it's over and done with, and why. Which messages I was sending that might have been incorrect so I would stop having to analyse myself so much. It's actually much kinder in the long run than stringing her along and just using her for sex, where she might have been looking for love (TBH I wasnt looking for a purely sexual relationship and she was a bad lover anyways), or giving her false hope only to have that hope crushed harder and harder as the relationship drags on.
 
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Zero Angel said:
Totally agree with this! However, I broke up with someone rather harshly in 2006, and went a little bit *too* far in that direction. Read about it here.

If someone had broken up with me like that I would have been initially crushed -- but at least it lets me know that it's over and done with, and why. Which messages I was sending that might have been incorrect so I would stop having to analyse myself so much. It's actually much kinder in the long run than stringing her along and just using her for sex, where she might have been looking for love (TBH I wasnt looking for a purely sexual relationship and she was a bad lover anyways), or giving her false hope only to have that hope crushed harder and harder as the relationship drags on.
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Holy crap. I just read that thread from 2006... Forgive me for being so honest, but were I the young lady, I would have kneed you in the groin.

I hope three years later you are much more sensitive and tactful when you're routing out any girl's hope for your love.

I think a simple, "We're not compatible" would do the job just fine.
 
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Agreed. She did act in a way as to throw me off balance, and that's what happened as a result of my mental state and disposition at the time. I'm sure she was upset at being rejected and acted naturally, since I was the one rejecting her it wouldve done for me to expect that and be prepared for it. I learned a lot from that, actually.
 
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I think the problem with my seeming inability to let go of baggage is more biological than anything. It's definitely genetic -- even people fairly distantly related to me that I've not met do the same thing. I'm pretty sure it's classed close to, if not outright, obsessive compulsive post traumatic stress. I've done a lot to try to stop it, technically everything I can think of, and I get distraught that the cycle or conditioning just doesn't stop.

So, I get the concepts, I get what should happen, but nothing seems to stop the emotional train wreck. I cope, however. Or maybe it's completely bullshit, I guess time and more analysis will tell.
 
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Hotherym said:
I think the problem with my seeming inability to let go of baggage is more biological than anything. It's definitely genetic -- even people fairly distantly related to me that I've not met do the same thing. I'm pretty sure it's classed close to, if not outright, obsessive compulsive post traumatic stress. I've done a lot to try to stop it, technically everything I can think of, and I get distraught that the cycle or conditioning just doesn't stop.

So, I get the concepts, I get what should happen, but nothing seems to stop the emotional train wreck. I cope, however. Or maybe it's completely bullshit, I guess time and more analysis will tell.
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Try reading up a bit on this:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Locus_of_control


A ton of the hopelessness people tend to feel is due to having an external locus of control.
 
i've learned not to ask for someone's love, but rather they give it willingly...

i've recently sent my ex-gf an e-mail detailing how i truly hope she is happy now... i've gotten over my grief of losing her, but i know that i would rather let her go than to try to make her love me...

love is a complex thing...
 
I'm just wondering how all of the ex's feel about getting emails/letters/phonecalls/random house drive-bys from people they BROKE UP with. I know when I get rid of someone it's almost pathetic when they try to contact me. I think I'm immune to be attatched or something. I'm sure that whoever receives those letters are a bit less annoyed and bitter than I am, elsewise all of you probably wouldn't be posting here you'd be in a corner...crying.
 
slant said:
I'm just wondering how all of the ex's feel about getting emails/letters/phonecalls/random house drive-bys from people they BROKE UP with. I know when I get rid of someone it's almost pathetic when they try to contact me. I think I'm immune to be attatched or something. I'm sure that whoever receives those letters are a bit less annoyed and bitter than I am, elsewise all of you probably wouldn't be posting here you'd be in a corner...crying.
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sounds very ESTP-ish...

... my ex was ESTP... and she would say that once she said it was over, it was over and thats that...

... basically what you just posted...
 
Hotherym said:
I think the problem with my seeming inability to let go of baggage is more biological than anything. It's definitely genetic -- even people fairly distantly related to me that I've not met do the same thing. I'm pretty sure it's classed close to, if not outright, obsessive compulsive post traumatic stress. I've done a lot to try to stop it, technically everything I can think of, and I get distraught that the cycle or conditioning just doesn't stop.

So, I get the concepts, I get what should happen, but nothing seems to stop the emotional train wreck. I cope, however. Or maybe it's completely bullshit, I guess time and more analysis will tell.
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I read that people who have more right frontal lobe brain activity are more apt to be down or think negatively, whereas people who favor the left frontal lobe have more cheerful temperaments and respond to things more positively.

It's speculated that people who are able to beat depression without medication have increased their level of activity in their left frontal lobe. But as far as I know, there hasn't been any real research on that..

Plus there's a lot to do with the levels of norepinephrine etc etc. that activate the amygdala and the brain's threshold for excitability... A low threshold makes for a more anxious temperament..

But that's all I know. So, yeah, I guess a lot of it is biological..

The book is called Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman
 
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Motor Jax said:
sounds very ESTP-ish...

... my ex was ESTP... and she would say that once she said it was over, it was over and thats that...

... basically what you just posted...
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Hmm, I guess that's cruel to say to such a hearty sensitive creature. It's like giving a lighter to a 3 year old and watching them set themselves on fire.

Shouldn't do it.

But some people just can't help it.
 
alt ctrl del said:
I read that people who have more right frontal lobe brain activity are more apt to be down or think negatively, whereas people who favor the left frontal lobe have more cheerful temperaments and respond to things more positively.

It's speculated that people who are able to beat depression without medication have increased their level of activity in their left frontal lobe. But as far as I know, there hasn't been any real research on that..

Plus there's a lot to do with the levels of norepinephrine etc etc. that activate the amygdala and the brain's threshold for excitability... A low threshold makes for a more anxious temperament..

But that's all I know. So, yeah, I guess a lot of it is biological..

The book is called Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman
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That's pretty freakish, considering the only results I've ever got from any brain scans were for an EEG (epilepsy was on my dad's side), and while nothing showed, the doctor cheerfully noted that I had 'unusually high activity' in my right hemisphere, just not enough to be concerned about. I'd say what you just said correlates perfectly with what I feel. Very fascinating.

I've always been wired very stressed, since birth. My medical documents are very interesting, if disheartening. I was a rather freakishly guarded infant, which was chalked up to some neurological thing or another that was unclear.

But, it's a blessing and a curse, because it makes for very intense experiences, to. One good thing is that I'm only on medication to boost thyroid function and the birth control pill for hormonal balance, pretty typical. It also helps with PMDD, which is a real fun ride.

Yay for short circuits.

Duty said:
Try reading up a bit on this:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Locus_of_control


A ton of the hopelessness people tend to feel is due to having an external locus of control.
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Lotus of control is always fascinating, and I can't pinpoint mine. It feels sort of convoluted, like I see myself as an external force as much as anything else, if that makes sense. Half the time I feel legitimately cursed (not helped by others' observations), but I feel I'm just as much a contributing factor as anything, if not the entire cause.

Anyway, as for everything else, I think my own perception of love is different to others. What other people do is not love to me, but limerence, or a desire to fulfill their reproductive needs. Therefore, when the other person is no longer interesting in that regard, they're no longer of use, apparently in any way, shape or form.

Unless a relationship is truly abusive or destructive to me in some way, it holds a very deep importance for me and I will work through just about anything. The reward is great to me. People mean everything to me in my life. A mate is just the most intense form of that I can imagine. Is this that rare a sentiment?
 
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Hotherym said:
Anyway, as for everything else, I think my own perception of love is different to others. What other people do is not love to me, but limerence, or a desire to fulfill their reproductive needs. Therefore, when the other person is no longer interesting in that regard, they're no longer of use, apparently in any way, shape or form.

Unless a relationship is truly abusive or destructive to me in some way, it holds a very deep importance for me and I will work through just about anything. The reward is great to me. People mean everything to me in my life. A mate is just the most intense form of that I can imagine. Is this that rare a sentiment?
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I have a similar sentiment about mates, but with other people in my life I've learned to be a little more harsh. I still give them the occasional phone call, but my family is not worth my time. They have never been conducive to positive affirmation in my life (their good will toward me is always conditional), they rely on a very external locus of control, and are just not very developed people. It is healthiest to be around people that are where you want to be, that want to be where you are (and are honestly trying to get there), or that contribute to your psychological well being. Some people just aren't worth your emotional efforts.

And I also would share your thoughts on limerence. Most people are coupling for the physiological reasons. According to Sternberg (who took this idea further), there are 3 dimensions to love: intimacy, passion, and commitment. Romantic love of this sort (limerence) is high in intimacy and passion, but low on commitment. Companionship is high in intimacy and commitment, but low on passion. The love of mates is ideally consummate love: which is high in all 3 aspects.

It's my opinion that it is ideal to look for all 3 of these things when choosing a mate. Often those in limerence/romantic have a hard time seeing the passionate stage calm down a bit, and they make rash decisions. It's not that romantic love is immature, it's just one has to be aware that it is a stage in the process, and one should be looking for signs of longevity, which according to Sternberg are:

Similar values
Similar religion
Similar intellectual level
Being prepared to put up with each others' flaws
Being prepared to change yourself in response to the other person

I agree with the psychology behind it, and so this is what I look for in relationships anymore. Most people settle early, when they're still in the early parts of a romantic relationship...that can often be a mistake.
 
I adore Sternberg. And, I've found that every relationship I've ever had has only managed to fulfill 2/3 of the dimensions. And that just isn't enough!

And - I'm not sure how to find a relationship that involves all three. Is it just dumb luck?

And - don't say its time, because I spent a year and a half with a boy waiting for the third one to come in, and it never did.
 
CoffeeShopDiva said:
I adore Sternberg. And, I've found that every relationship I've ever had has only managed to fulfill 2/3 of the dimensions. And that just isn't enough!

And - I'm not sure how to find a relationship that involves all three. Is it just dumb luck?

And - don't say its time, because I spent a year and a half with a boy waiting for the third one to come in, and it never did.
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Well, with some people it just never develops all 3, but I would figure that time would be necessary when it finally does happen. I would also hypothesize that most companion relationships have a much lower chance of developing the passion part of the equation then romantic ones have of developing the commitment part. This is just my hypothesis here, I'm not super familiar with Sternberg or anything...just the basics.

You can do something about it though, and that's to just meet people. Let yourself experience...giving up is the only way you'll be sure to not meet someone. :)
 
Duty said:
Well, with some people it just never develops all 3, but I would figure that time would be necessary when it finally does happen. I would also hypothesize that most companion relationships have a much lower chance of developing the passion part of the equation then romantic ones have of developing the commitment part. This is just my hypothesis here, I'm not super familiar with Sternberg or anything...just the basics.

You can do something about it though, and that's to just meet people. Let yourself experience...giving up is the only way you'll be sure to not meet someone. :)
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The relationship I was talking about was a companion relationship, and the passion never arrived like I was hoping it would. And as much as it sounds like enough, it wasn't for me.

I'm an INFJ, meeting people is hard! :P
 
The 'passion' part for me, I'm finding out, is dependent on me, for the most part. I mean, if I'm not sexually compatible with the other person otherwise, the reasons are almost always obvious, anyway. But, if they are and I still don't feel that 'spark,' as people call it, I believe there are ways to pull it forward.

My last was all three on my end, and would have lasted a lifetime easily. In fact, it will no matter what. He was flighty or alternately submissively and co-dependently attached, not to mention disordered (I've suspected many things) and may always be that way with people. He's found a crush that's perfectly like him in that way, it seems. I cringe at the idea.

The problem for me is commitment. I'm committed, I guess, to a fault. I've called myself 'pathologically monogamist,' but it's a real pain in the ass.
 
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