@April , you have so many really great thoughts to ponder from all the people who have responded, so I'll try and be brief with my own ideas. A question - what is it that you really, really want deep down? It sounds to me as though on the ground floor what you need is certainty - preferably the certainty of a secure faith in God and an experience of his love. But it also sounds like if this isn't possible, you would like the certainty of freeing yourself from the roots of religion that are still buried inside you so that you can live perhaps an agnostic life without regret, or vestiges of fear of divine retribution.
My personal take on this is that we need to be true to our own gifts, character and destiny. That means that it's far better to be an atheist or an agnostic because that is our personal free and considered choice, rather than a Christian because that's what is expected of us, or from fear, or because we want to stay inside a religious "nursery". I'm saying this as a committed Christian myself - I think that God would prefer an honest and authentic agnostic than a half hearted and reluctant Christian. Whichever way we choose, for anyone struggling with this I think that the key is to do some seeking like you are now, but then make a conscious personal choice and a commitment to that choice based on the best input and reflection you can give it. Of course you can't get rid of the doubts or the emotional baggage just like that, and there's always more to learn too - such a decision is a starting point to set us on a clear path, but we've still got to walk it. It's our very own path then though, not someone else's that we are treading and that's a very liberating experience - my intuition is that these paths all lead to the same places eventually, but the journey is more important than the destination for most of us.
There are people who can witness to God's existence from direct experience rather than through layers of accreted religion - I can myself. Sadly, it's unconvincing to others who are full of doubts because the experience can't be shared easily - it's like trying to describe the colour green to someone who has never been able to see, but harder. How do I know I'm not deceiving myself? There are books written by Christian and non-Christian mystics over many centuries that describe these experiences. When I read them, its like when you read others people's INFJ experiences and it just clicks with you and you think "that's me too". Why some people have this sort of experience and some don't I can't say - He hasn't told me!
