[ENFP] INFJ breakup need help

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@Asa thank you so much. also ENFP usually take breakups really badly . Lol
I mean I don’t doubt she has some psychic gifts but she said when it was all said and done she was right about that too because I didn’t close my sacral center and I let people in we exchanged sexual energy .
I told her upfront how I have close friends and even do couples type things together but I never cross the line and I would never disrespect her and I never did.
I told her I was all about her and no one else and she was surprised and happy .

She thought I had tons of women wanting me but she doesn’t get it I wanted her.
One last story our first fight she asked me if I ever called anyone else a “partner “ before I told her yes because my ex and I considered ourselves getting married . She said it meant a lot to her and so she’d rather not be anything than say partner since I said it before . Of course I said there’s only so many words let’s create our own word then (I’m solution oriented lol)
Then she told me that my ex energy was still stored in my chakras and I just turned away and said nothing .
So she told me that I had directed tons of negative energy her way and she could feel it said I was irresponsible with my energy and spilled it all over her and hurt her . I left and walked around town , drank had dinner etc needed to cool off .
I came home she told me I never would’ve been upset if a friend said that to me and I overreacting and told her the reason why is I’ve known my friends for years and they’re there when I’m at a low points .

ok that’s another story .

the biggest thing I’ve narrowed it down to is this . I am known for being eccentric and kind of silly and off the wall. People say oh that’s just him lol I was myself to her but she says I wasn’t fully authentic, and so it is true because in some ways I held back or shared with friends my dark moods or rants . So that’s my major question now I wasn’t fully myself due to wanting to impress someoje I thought highly of ? whsts the deal with that ? Lol

thanks everyone ayyyeeeeeeee happy hump day !!
 
Yea @Asa I can see that and that's what most my friends said but I cannot explain it but it's like I believe her like she has me under a spell. I really couldn't have done anything in retrospect- she really perhaps just wanted to ruin the relationship and I told her that. I think most people would've got emotional hearing things like that and I never instulted or cussed or anything of that sort- I refuse to do that growing up like that made me vow to just never say things out of cruel anger. But I mean she is right I cou;d've just took it with a grain of salt and said "ok, that's how you feel- some truth to it." very calm and matter-of0fact it's true my friends say shit to me and I don't even care. I don't know why I couldn't here but I tried in the last conversation. I don't even know if that's worth goal- to not respond like that- honestly I don't know anymore.
 
@Zach just a couple of thoughts to add to the others here.

It sounds like your INFJ is imposing her values on you without being willing to adapt to yours. In the situations you have described, you seem to be trying to give way like a child to her parent in order to try and keep your relationship going. This cannot work and will lead to increasing friction, not harmony and growing love. You won't be able to sustain that level of change and if you did she would probably not want a relationship where she is acting dominant parent a lot of the time to your dependent child.

She talks about shadow. It's hard to see her completely clearly through your eyes of course, but it sounds to me like your shadow and hers are not really very compatible. True lovers love each other together with their shadows, not despite them. It's nonsense for her to talk about your not integrating your shadow - that's a journey of a lifetime for all of us and let those without sin cast the first stone! People shouldn't call out on each other's shadows because we aren't easily aware of them and have limited control over how they manifest themselves. It's suggestive that you were unable to tell her immediately about your bankruptcy - a true lover would be someone you told immediately and she would have been very concerned for you and given you huge support and comfort. What happened when she found out was focused on her own needs not your situation. You read her likely reaction accurately when you withheld that information, and it's led to both of you hopping in and out of your respective shadow behaviours in a messy way. I suggest you use that experience well to form a judgement yourself on the viability of your relationship rather than just leaving her to do the thumbs up or down.

These problems you described aren't simple reactions to a particular situation - it will almost certainly get worse if you both persist with your relationship. That doesn't mean you couldn't make a go of it together if you were both willing and persistent, but it would be hard work. You would need to knock the sharp edges off each other and you would both do a lot of hurting in the process. People do though - and live to tell the tale.
 
John K said:
@Zach just a couple of thoughts to add to the others here.

She talks about shadow. It's hard to see her completely clearly through your eyes of course, but it sounds to me like your shadow and hers are not really very compatible. True lovers love each other together with their shadows, not despite them. It's nonsense for her to talk about your not integrating your shadow - that's a journey of a lifetime for all of us and let those without sin cast the first stone! People shouldn't call out on each other's shadows because we aren't easily aware of them and have limited control over how they manifest themselves. It's suggestive that you were unable to tell her immediately about your bankruptcy - a true lover would be someone you told immediately and she would have been very concerned for you and given you huge support and comfort. What happened when she found out was focused on her own needs not your situation. You read her likely reaction accurately when you withheld that information, and it's led to both of you hopping in and out of your respective shadow behaviours in a messy way. I suggest you use that experience well to form a judgement yourself on the viability of your relationship rather than just leaving her to do the thumbs up or down.

These problems you described aren't simple reactions to a particular situation - it will almost certainly get worse if you both persist with your relationship. That doesn't mean you couldn't make a go of it together if you were both willing and persistent, but it would be hard work. You would need to knock the sharp edges off each other and you would both do a lot of hurting in the process. People do though - and live to tell the tale.
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She said she's well aware of her shadow and it is telling people off and dressing them down and she won't remain small, etc. Ok, I think it seems manipulative of her to say I can't be proud of shadow when that's literally the part you aren't aware of!

But the rest of your message, she too said those reasons and I am starting to see they are true. She said that if we were together or try to take it slow it would just further increase the pain and suffering for us both. She said she has already learned these old lessons and won't go through them again because I haven't learned them (Puh-lease!!) Saying I need to learn these things!! Then she said she wants to learn from a place of joy and ease and that it shouldn't be so difficult and people will just align with you.

I took all this responsibility thinking it would show I care and can change the relationship. She said she knows I love her and it means so much how I went out there to talk...

Me, personally, I am falling asleep all times of day and then waking up in anxiety like frantically knowing that she is gone! I did not want to go through something like this in my life again! I am not trying to repeat any old patterns! I feel so bad now- I feel anxious and sad.

I left it like if she needs time I can wait and be open hearted to her- what on earth was I saying!!

She said over and over she never cared about the bankruptcy but only cared I didn't reveal it right away! is it true??

I want to believe it yet I don't know because I told her fast! does any of that make sense?

I cannot believe my life is in this state again.. why did she come back break up on the phone- crying and crying- get back together a day or two later, talk be fine, break up via text!!! then invite me out!
All of this I thought maybe she wanted to give it a try. Like I am not worth fighting for like I am not worth working it out for, like I cannot change! like our relationship can't grow! I tried to speak beautifully and truly- it didn't work!
I am wondering what person can say love is not worth it? can think she loves me etc and it not matter- she doesn't love me the same after me getting so emotional. I really and truly hate that I went there and listened to all of this.
I am in misery now.
 
Zach said:
What can I do to try and make the relationship rejuvenate?
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I don’t know. And I do not know why you would want to. :confused:

Cheers,
Ian
 
Zach said:
I really like the french little prince quote that you have.
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I do as well. It says everything one needs to know. ;)

Zach said:
I just miss this woman.
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Understood. In my experience, this fades, but never really ends, and I would not wish it to.

Zach said:
I want love to redeem me.
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Don’t try to make something else be responsible for, or be the way, to something you are responsible for.

Love will not redeem you. You will embody and make manifest your own redemption through your own will and choice to love. Love as an action. To become an embodiment of that which is loving. My sense is this is the way. All else are charlatans and their sophistries.

Cheers,
Ian
 
aeon said:
I do as well. It says everything one needs to know. ;)



Understood. In my experience, this fades, but never really ends, and I would not wish it to.



Don’t try to make something else be responsible for, or be the way, to something you are responsible for.

Love will not redeem you. You will embody and make manifest your own redemption through your own will and choice to love. Love as an action. To become an embodiment of that which is loving. My sense is this is the way. All else are charlatans and their sophistries.

Cheers,
Ian
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I have tried to be an embodiment of love- self-love- wrote about tried to be it- and I am so loving to people as I can be I believe love is a flame that can consume our lesser self and move into higher self.
The thing is I really had turned myself into a lover and became a lover with this woman it was transformative- she told me before looking me dead in the eye (before knowing I would file bankruptcy) and said- "I love you exactly how you are you don't have to change for me. I love you flaws and all." This must've been untrue. She told me the same thing again- saying she loves my darkside too.
I wonder I oh so wonder how all could change! no one and I mean zero people I have told even my harshest most critical friends, think that this is on me they can't really believe this change from her.
I get it I got emotional thinking of us breaking up- I was in a spiral I was remembering other breakups I was caught in a web of past trauma I saw it coming back- I heard those words before from exes "love without attachment to outcome" I got emotional- I tried to pace around I couldn't feel comfortable in my own body- I disassociated- she wanted to be left alone- I wanted comfort.
This is how messed up I am !!
No ONE would accept someone with this level of trauma.
I can only love myself!

I wish that night never happened! it's seared in my memory
 
Wyote said:
? ¿
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Like I really embraced love . We were two lovers . Meeting in naked honesty with our whole selves without trying to own or consume the other . Just fully loving one another without shame.
i understand she’ll never feel the same because I wasn’t telling her about the bankruptcy right away it took me 20 days to bring it up . we were two lovers and I wrote a poem about it .
I get why she left . But I still think it could’ve been fixed . I know everyone here sees her wrongs to me but why couldn’t I tell her bankruptcy immediately- isn’t that not trusting the woman that said we would be life partners ?
I realize infj don’t like being non transparent. but I am glad you all didn’t judge me here and one day I can forgive myself too
 
Zach said:
Like I really embraced love . We were two lovers . Meeting in naked honesty with our whole selves without trying to own or consume the other . Just fully loving one another without shame.
i understand she’ll never feel the same because I wasn’t telling her about the bankruptcy right away it took me 20 days to bring it up . we were two lovers and I wrote a poem about it .
I get why she left . But I still think it could’ve been fixed . I know everyone here sees her wrongs to me but why couldn’t I tell her bankruptcy immediately- isn’t that not trusting the woman that said we would be life partners ?
I realize infj don’t like being non transparent. but I am glad you all didn’t judge me here and one day I can forgive myself too
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My point was, you are having contradictory thoughts about yourself.
It sounds to me like you aren't in a good position to start a healthy relationship.
Holding on so tightly to this person is also a sign of that imo.
 
Wyote said:
My point was, you are having contradictory thoughts about yourself.
It sounds to me like you aren't in a good position to start a healthy relationship.
Holding on so tightly to this person is also a sign of that imo.
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Yeah I am not now . That’s true . I was so ready with her .
Too bad the car blew up . I could’ve slowed down …
I thought I was better after years of therapy …
And not to be contradictory I was and am a loving person and like her response doesn’t change that . I am just blaming myself in a spiral again .
 
Zach said:
Too bad the car blew up . I could’ve slowed down …
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It wasn't the car hun. If your car hadn't gone up it would've been something else. People who aren't ready for relationships are great escape artists, and she doesn't sound like she was ready.

Zach said:
I am glad you all didn’t judge me here and one day I can forgive myself too
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Hugs for you. It's a long road for many but yes one day. Give yourself time.

Zach said:
I still think it could’ve been fixed
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How so?

Zach said:
"I love you exactly how you are you don't have to change for me. I love you flaws and all." This must've been untrue. She told me the same thing again- saying she loves my darkside too.
I wonder I oh so wonder how all could change! no one and I mean zero people I have told even my harshest most critical friends, think that this is on me they can't really believe this change from her.
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It wasn't untrue, but it wasn't true like how you or her thought it was. I feel she believed what she said in that moment, and that she was sending out what she wanted to receive - unconditional love and understanding for her own shortcomings. But, without seeing those in herself, she couldn't see that her feelings were transitory.

Zach said:
No ONE would accept someone with this level of trauma.
I can only love myself!
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Why do you say so?

Zach said:
I want love to redeem me.
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Then let it.
...
Is it not that straightforward?

* * * * *

Over these last few posts I've sensed a lot of idolizing - not of her or yourself, but of you both as a couple. Your relationship together. If so this is a false thing: it isn't and never was perfect.
And it seems like while you berate yourself for what you did or didn't do - no doubt haggling with your conscience over the smallest impossible details - some of it comes across like you aren't sure whether to blame yourself or her.
Is this true?
 
Winterflowers said:
It wasn't the car hun. If your car hadn't gone up it would've been something else. People who aren't ready for relationships are great escape artists, and she doesn't sound like she was ready.


Over these last few posts I've sensed a lot of idolizing - not of her or yourself, but of you both as a couple. Your relationship together. If so this is a false thing: it isn't and never was perfect.
And it seems like while you berate yourself for what you did or didn't do - no doubt haggling with your conscience over the smallest impossible details - some of it comes across like you aren't sure whether to blame yourself or her.
Is this true?
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I can't really figure out how to do the quotes correctly lol. So, I will go one by one.
Yes, I thought maybe there was just some reason or another she would find before or after the car- I told her she finds faults and she was both astonished and offended by this. Maybe she wasn't ready- like because it takes work and compassion??

And I say no one can deal with this trauma because this is my third relationship in the last three years where we break up after the first or second time I got upset or angry. I didn't cuss scream or anything and it was much more mild than I've been in the past. But it's just I didn't like the idea of her doubting our relationship and wanting space- anxiety attachment gets the best of me and I realize this.
I guess someone will deal with this one day idk

Yes, it is true I honestly know I can't blame just myself becuase it doesn't make sense. We had fixed everything and agreed to move forward and transfrom and love but she sat around and thought about things for days then came out on my birthday and wanted to say she could see maybe we weren't life partners after all- I did get emotional and I do blame myself for not listening there. But after that I thought taking accountability, apologizing and planning how to move forward would work.
So, I don't know what else to do.. I think it could've been fine- just like the week before after we worked it out- but she really and truly would not forgive and move forward. Then after the birthday argument it reinforced her beliefs and made them stick.
So I am just saying from an outside perspective how does that look?

Regardless of blame- "you can either blame or change" I wanted to move forward and let us transform. I thought she did too. then she didn't. I can't explain it at all and I just want to understand rather than blame. like not in generalities but really this situation- it just was too much pain for her? She really believes relationships don't have conflict in that way? Honestly, I don't know because in my opinion as rational as possible- she seemed to have placed so much blame on me- so unwilling to see her own shortcomings or even say what they were.
 
@Zach I think you are in the process of grief and experiencing the stage of "bargaining." You are thinking of ways you could have prevented what happened, trying to make sense of what happened.

This is completely normal and happens to all of us when we experience a loss.

I know the thoughts are painful and there is a lot of anxiety and self blame, but try to realize that it is all normal and part of the process and with time the emotions will become less and less intense.

I would focus on trying to distract yourself from the thoughts and think of things you can do to keep busy. You are not avoiding the emotions but trying to keep them manageable. Sometimes we can spend a ton of energy ruminating because an emotion is so strong and intense, but it only intensifies it and prolongs it.

I would also look into maybe journaling to get your feelings out, write exactly what you feel, and then force yourself to write an alternative perspective.

So, you might feel,

"There was so much I could have done! Why didn't I tell her about my bankruptcy sooner?"

Make yourself think up another logical explanation besides that. Like,

"I feel so out of control. I wish things had ended differently. Maybe I could have done different things, and I will remember this for the future, but at the time I know I did my best and I don't have regrets. Sometimes things don't work out. I'm sad that they didn't because I wanted a different outcome."

Eventually these tactics will make the emotions more manageable.
 
Zach said:
Like I really embraced love . We were two lovers . Meeting in naked honesty with our whole selves without trying to own or consume the other . Just fully loving one another without shame.
i understand she’ll never feel the same because I wasn’t telling her about the bankruptcy right away it took me 20 days to bring it up . we were two lovers and I wrote a poem about it .
I get why she left . But I still think it could’ve been fixed . I know everyone here sees her wrongs to me but why couldn’t I tell her bankruptcy immediately- isn’t that not trusting the woman that said we would be life partners ?
I realize infj don’t like being non transparent. but I am glad you all didn’t judge me here and one day I can forgive myself too
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You're projecting your notions of love into a woman who isn't consumed by love, but by jealousy and possessiveness.

You sound like someone who is losing their faith, rather than someone who got dumped by a toxic woman.

Are you certain that it's actually her you miss, or her being the object you painted all your romantic ideals onto?
 
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