INFJ Childhood/Teenager Questions..

WellNoWonder

WellNoWonder

Peace Through Action
MBTI
INFJ
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6w5
Not sure else how to title this and about to leave work :)

I was just discussing with my husband how...

As a child, I was misunderstood by my parents, particularly my father. I know.. typical INFJ stuff...

Our conflicts were Epic.

But it wasn't like: "I want to do this and you won't let me, I'm old enough. Waaaahhh you're treating me like a baby."

It was more: "I have the intuition and insight into this situation. Trust my intuition here. Trust Who I Am to make the correct decision."

The concept of intuition was just too abstract for me to explain at the time, and honestly, at 15 and 16, I had no clue what it was. All I knew was that I had it, or was aware of it (???) and I couldn't understand why others did not see that I had it, particularly him. Which of course, doesn't make sense now that I know everyone does not use intuition as much as I do.

The result of this misunderstanding was a lot of loneliness, confusion, and strife.

I'm wondering did any other INFJ adults/teenagers have/had this same conflict with their parents, where your insight into situations was not considered, and were you at a loss as far as explaining the "gut feelings" you had and how they affected your decision-making, especially when you were making Life-Path decisions, and decisions regarding relationships and dating?
 
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WellNoWonder said:
Not sure else how to title this and about to leave work :)

I was just discussing with my husband how...

As a child, I was misunderstood by my parents, particularly my father. I know.. typical INFJ stuff...

Our conflicts were Epic.

But it wasn't like: "I want to do this and you won't let me, I'm old enough. Waaaahhh you're treating me like a baby."

It was more: "I have the intuition and insight into this situation. Trust my intuition here. Trust Who I Am to make the correct decision."

The concept of intuition was just too abstract for me to explain at the time, and honestly, at 15 and 16, I had no clue what it was. All I knew was that I had it, or was aware of it (???) and I couldn't understand why others did not see that I had it, particularly him. Which of course, doesn't make sense since now that I know everyone does not use intuition as much as I do.

The result of this misunderstanding was a lot of loneliness, confusion, and strife.

I'm wondering did any other INFJ adults/teenagers have/had this same conflict with their parents, where your insight into situations was not considered, and were you at a loss as far as explaining the "gut feelings" you had and how they affected your decision-making, especially when you were making Life-Path decisions, and decisions regarding relationships and dating?
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My father when he was around was easy to deal with (ENTJ) If I was logical and I made an effort to meet him half way he always let me do what I wanted. I had a lot of freedom as a boy but I didnt stray TOO far from home.

As for the rest of my childhood, in terms of my folks, my mother doesn't get me (ESFJ) shes completely different then i am, the only thing I inherited from her was my heart.

I was a bit of a pleaser though, I followed most of the rules, worked hard and looked to pleasing the people who were running my life, (teachers, coaches, parents etc)
 
Yes i often have conflicts with my parents even though their very understanding and accepting as parents go. They don't trust me to be consistent over the long term, even when i carefully explain my detailed plans to them over 9000 times. They only seem to worry about academics for some reason.
For example I wasn't getting good marks in grade 10 but i assured them i would pass and do well in grade 11 when marks mattered for university applications, and i knew i would. They spent the entire year hounding me convinced i would flunk out the next year but it went exactly as planned, my grade 11 average was in the 80s as promised. Also recently i wanted to take courses online instead of going back to ugh...highschool to do two courses. They were convinced i would do horribly unless i was in a classroom environment and ta da! I went online and both marks are above 95.
And now they have no recollection of any of the arguments we've had! Or of ever disagreeing with my plans! Arg their just mad that im always right.:m185:
my older brother (who i suspect is an INFJ) had it much worse than me.
 
I'm seriously starting to think NF runs in my family or at least the N, My family generaly never had any trouble understanding me. Maybe my brother, I don't think he understands Intuition but he he trusts me to knoe that I'm right when I know I am.

As for not excepting my input, yeah I get that alot from my mom. I always felt it had to do more with me being a teenager thought.
 
Billy said:
My father when he was around was easy to deal with (ENTJ) If I was logical and I made an effort to meet him half way he always let me do what I wanted. I had a lot of freedom as a boy but I didnt stray TOO far from home.
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My pops is an ENTJ too, and I see how logic and meeting him halfway would have worked for me.

At this point in life, I have simply given up. I love him but we have never seen eye to eye on anything, except maybe some politics.

randomsomeone said:
I was lucky...my parents gave me loads of latitude and support.
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I envy you. :) I can see in your persona that you have always been pretty well-grounded, and I admire you in general. Now.. :bolt:

SpaceCowgirl said:
Yes i often have conflicts with my parents even though their very understanding and accepting as parents go. They don't trust me to be consistent over the long term, even when i carefully explain my detailed plans to them over 9000 times. They only seem to worry about academics for some reason.
For example I wasn't getting good marks in grade 10 but i assured them i would pass and do well in grade 11 when marks mattered for university applications, and i knew i would. They spent the entire year hounding me convinced i would flunk out the next year but it went exactly as planned, my grade 11 average was in the 80s as promised. Also recently i wanted to take courses online instead of going back to ugh...highschool to do two courses. They were convinced i would do horribly unless i was in a classroom environment and ta da! I went online and both marks are above 95.
And now they have no recollection of any of the arguments we've had! Or of ever disagreeing with my plans! Arg their just mad that im always right.:m185:
my older brother (who i suspect is an INFJ) had it much worse than me.
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Sounds very familiar. lol:

"Daddy, did I not tell you that 3 months ago?"

"What did you tell me? I don't remember. You're making up things."

"Never mind..."


10th grade was like that for me too. 11th grade was 4.0 for me, only because I cared about college admissions at that point in time.

Barnabas said:
I'm seriously starting to think NF runs in my family or at least the N, My family generaly never had any trouble understanding me. Maybe my brother, I don't think he understands Intuition but he he trusts me to knoe that I'm right when I know I am.

As for not excepting my input, yeah I get that alot from my mom. I always felt it had to do more with me being a teenager thought.
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This is awesome. I think my family is mostly NT and SF. My sisters are ENFJ and INFP, so we are usually travelling on the outside of everything that is going on. All of us lead very different and separate lives from the rest of our family.

I don't know why it bugs me so much to not have a huge family that is accepting of us NFs. I do think I need to get over it though.
 
uuuh, this is difficult. I was a please-r too, and I figured if I just did what mommy and daddy said it would be all right. LOL, even at night when I cried myself to sleep. All my epic battles with my parents stemmed from "I know I'm right." Being right didn't really do me a lot of favors though (I say that a lot).
 
Sounds very familiar. lol:

"Daddy, did I not tell you that 3 months ago?"

"What did you tell me? I don't remember. You're making up things."

"Never mind..."
Click to expand...
Hmmm yes i know that conversation. After posing here i confronted them about both of those times at dinner (in a really nice way acctually, just trying to point out that they dont have to worry so much), and they finally remembered some of the disagreements but my moms response was "well sure it worked out like you said, but it could have worked out BETTER if youd listened to us". What bugs me is she might be right...but im happy with how i did. And i sure as hell could have done better without listening to them if i had just devoted all my energy to school. So thats like saying "you didn't get 100%, so your not right". I give up...one day when i get a PhD theyll stop worrying.
The odd thing is theyd be proud of me somehow even if i flunked out as much as they are now. Its almost like whatever i do, good or bad, they insist on treating me the same. Ahhh i know they just want me to stay their little girl no matter what. Stupid, loving parents...
 
christmas said:
uuuh, this is difficult. I was a please-r too, and I figured if I just did what mommy and daddy said it would be all right. LOL, even at night when I cried myself to sleep. All my epic battles with my parents stemmed from "I know I'm right." Being right didn't really do me a lot of favors though (I say that a lot).
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I feel you on this too.

Especially since I didn't just go ahead and act on my "being right", and instead listened to what they were telling me, just cuz they were my parents.

And a lot of times, I regret that I listened to them, even though I know they were telling me what they thought was best for me, because I spent most of my adult life confused about who I truly was.
 
I think your parents had it worse

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no, i never had any issues like that. my mother is an INFJ, so i feel as if we understand each other to some extent. my dad is an ISTJ, but he has developed his F pretty well too. Ive never felt as if i was discourged from going down a path or misunderstood or anything. (in short, im blessed, my parents are awesome)
 
I was pretty oblivious and just went along with what my parents said till I reached my late teens... And then it was rocky from there. I would talk back, ridicule their ideas etc. It wasn't so much I was going by intuition as you write in the OP (I only started learning to use that later when I moved out on my own), it was more like my parents' perceptions were quite narrow, they believe things were done "this way" as it's always been, and they had a hard time seeing beyond that. And since I was still young and had no experience, I wasn't sure if my decisions were correct or would go well (for example, what to do for college)... that's what scared me... but I didn't want to be boxed in with their ideas. It seemed irrational to me. So all of these, including with relationships, I had to learn all on my own... It became a habit to self-reflect. Interesting that I didn't think to ask for help, it felt more like I wanted to learn about myself. I guess I've always treated things as if I was an alien living on a foreign planet, and it's only now that I am really realizing it. Only now am I actually wondering if there are people out there like me, even just a little.
 
I feel extremely lucky that two of my children are INFJ. It is amazing! We have such a closeness, like a melding of the minds. I give them a lot of latitude, but of course they are very reliable, trustworthy, and just amazing people. I do have limits and boundaries, but have told them I will give them the trust my parents never had. I was a model child, but was never treated with respect from my father. I try to be for my INFJs what my parents weren't for me! Unfortunately, I do have one other child, who is 9, who I have not figured out yet. I know he's an E and an F, but as far as N and P, I'm not sure yet. I do have a harder time with him, as the mystical connection that exists with my other kids isn't there. I love him very much and we do have a strong parental bond, but I think it's a normal parent-child thing, which is difficult for me.
 
Family life was more or less decent for me as a child, seeing as I practically followed everything my parents wanted during that time. During my earlier teenage years, I would often clash with my mom over religious thoughts (she being a very conservative baptist while my dad and I are very "open" episcopalians). We'd also fight about household chores OFTEN, and still do that.

It's very funny, as much of the conflict with my mother and I seem to stem from religion. The way I view her church (a large baptist megachurch in a particularly wealthy part of the city) is that it's a pretty large and uncaring entity more interested in having the entire congregation think in the same way rather than take care of the poor and disenfranchised individuals in our society.

Right now, I have a small circle of close friends with many different associates in and outside of school. I am very good at socializing with people, but have always had a hard time making "good" friends (I suppose I'm very choosy when it comes to companions). Often, I feel like I don't understand what the majority of high school teenagers talk about (partying, dating, Jersey Shore) and prefer to spend my time either with small children (taking care of them and/or playing games) or older and more experienced individuals (college grads, successful people).
 
I guess I was lucky. My parents used to tell me (and still do) "You have an amazing intuition, use it well."

They were very supportive of my use of intuition. I think both of my parents are Is, and my dad is an N. So they understood that part intrinsically.

They were not supportive of my use of empathy. What they never understood was that my empathy was not something I could "shelve" or "hide under a thick skin". Because of that, for 20 years I thought of it as a weakness until I realized it was a sense, like sight, and that I just had to learn to stand the light and trust myself.
 
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