INFJ Females: How do you show interest

mochi said:
You are so brave. I never make the first move.
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I never used to. Then I decided I have nothing to lose by saying how I feel, but if I decide to keep my feelings to myself I lose a lot of potential time with the person I'm into as well.
 
Just curious, ladies who say you express your interest in a guy... is this the difference between the usual stand offish blank expressions as you hope he overcomes your walls and your idea of showing interest is being willing to flirt a little and drop hints, or are you actually saying you're chasing these guys, getting their numbers, and asking them out?
 
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sandra_b said:
I never used to. Then I decided I have nothing to lose by saying how I feel, but if I decide to keep my feelings to myself I lose a lot of potential time with the person I'm into as well.
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That's very wise. I would like to be that way. For now, I am just too chicken. :P *ponders*

VH said:
Just curious, ladies who say you express your interest in a guy... is this the difference between the usual stand offish blank expressions as you hope he overcomes your walls and your idea of showing interest is being willing to flirt a little and drop hints, or are you actually saying you're chasing these guys, getting their numbers, and asking them out?
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I do the first, to clarify. I'm not sure on behalf of the others, though. :3
 
VH said:
Just curious, ladies who say you express your interest in a guy... is this the difference between the usual stand offish blank expressions as you hope he overcomes your walls and your idea of showing interest is being willing to flirt a little and drop hints, or are you actually saying you're chasing these guys, getting their numbers, and asking them out?
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I suppose that depends. Generally speaking if I'm interested in someone it's because we've had some previous dialogue and I've had the chance to observe them with other people and have got to know them a bit. If I think that there could be mutual interest or that we would mesh well together I'll directly say that I like them. If that goes well, then I'll give out my phone number. But I do these things without any sort of expectation and without fishing for reciprocation. I keep it casual because for me crushes are a LOT of fun and I don't have much problem putting myself out there if I'm not completely emotionally invested yet.

I would say that I am a pursuer though this is kind of new behaviour for me. I'll strike up the first conversation and I'll initiate subsequent conversations and I'll open myself up first and see where that takes things. I don't like to get needy or clingy, and am NOT a mushy person or emotionally expressive at all so it keeps things nice and comfy while I get to know the person more.

Confessing your feelings for someone doesn't have to be scary.
 
sandra_b said:
I suppose that depends. Generally speaking if I'm interested in someone it's because we've had some previous dialogue and I've had the chance to observe them with other people and have got to know them a bit. If I think that there could be mutual interest or that we would mesh well together I'll directly say that I like them. If that goes well, then I'll give out my phone number. But I do these things without any sort of expectation and without fishing for reciprocation. I keep it casual because for me crushes are a LOT of fun and I don't have much problem putting myself out there if I'm not completely emotionally invested yet.

I would say that I am a pursuer though this is kind of new behaviour for me. I'll strike up the first conversation and I'll initiate subsequent conversations and I'll open myself up first and see where that takes things. I don't like to get needy or clingy, and am NOT a mushy person or emotionally expressive at all so it keeps things nice and comfy while I get to know the person more.

Confessing your feelings for someone doesn't have to be scary.
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The Sandra showing interest is very subtle. Only ppl who know her well will be able to tell the difference between her average/polite mood and EXCITED/attracted mood, over the course of a short conversation. The only tell-tale sign is how actively she's trying to keep the conversation going. That doesn't necessarily mean CARRYING the conversation, but subtlely inviting further conversation and perhaps carrying a little herself. It's different from actual flatness and indifference, which is usually what most people get, but the difference is pretty subtle. IRL though the Sandra does not hesitate to smoothly end a conversation if she doesn't wanna talk.
 
Gosh... I don't think I'm smooth about anything... pretty sure she's perfect. :)
 
*****UPDATE*******

So long story short I asked her if we were possibly more than friends and she said she had no idea I was interested in her (wtf really?) and she said we should have a talk about it. That was 5 days ago. We have not talked since. I plan on avoiding her and everyone she knows until I move out of this city.

In conclusion women are confusing and don't know what they want. Things were better when they didn't have rights.
That is all.
 
(This is not an attack) What did you do over those five days to cultivate additional communication over the "more than friends" topic? It seems to me that the ball was in your court when she said, "we should have a talk about it". I congratulate you on the initial courage it took to share your feelings but I feel a familiar sadness at your decision to avoid her because it reminds me of all the times I killed something (figuratively) before ever really giving it a chance to develop.


I agree that woman can be confusing and sometimes unable to express their wants but I also think that men are equally guilty of such things.


I'm assuming your comment about woman suffrage is out of an emotion state of pain and rejection and not your logical stance. I can sympathize with pain, heck in an INFJ forum you'll find more here who can than who can't. I hope you don't let your experience turn your caring heart into a guarded fortress. It's quite a temptation in the wake of pain. For what ever it's worth, I'm rooting for you.


I apologize for encroaching on your female directed INFJ question. It was an emotionally reckless decision of mine to do so but that's one of the things that makes INFJs great in my opinion so I posted it anyways :smile: Good luck.
 
Well we texted back and forth trying to set up a time to meet, but our schedules kept conflicting. I'm just seriously surprised that she had 'no idea I was interested' after all that stuff we did together and how I was constantly trying to get to know her better etc. How can anyone be that dumb??? I kind of don't care anymore, I figure if its not meant to be its just not. I've actually lost interest in her since then so its not like I'm DYING to start dating her or whatever. On to the next I suppose.
 
Gosh, I'm terrible at this whole expressing-interest-and-let's-move-on-to-dating thing. I'm way too subtle, and I know that never works for men...sorry guys.
I generally stare and might smile more often in a crush's presence...but I only do that when I don't think he's looking. If I'm feeling bold, I might ask what he may be doing some weekend or whether he has any time free and kind of just worm my way in from there. I don't know. I like it better when guys make the first move and make it obviously.
 
You have been given some good advice about how we women put men into the "possible mate" verses "good friend" categories, but it doesn't look like you have accepted it.

If you want to keep her as a friend, then don't mess it up by making it sexual. You can't have your cake and eat it too. Think VERY carefully: is this girl really a potential mate? Don't put moves on her unless she is someone you want to raise kids with.
 
They knock you out with a bat when you least expect it then take you to their lair for assimilation.

True story.
 
slant said:
You also have to acknowledge that although that may be true, brain 'sex' can differ from male to female. For example, I am biologically female, but the 'sex' of my brain is balanced between the male and female sex and on occasion with a slight male inclination, and therefore I do not think in the ways stereotypical of females.

Being that I assume you have not tested the brain sex of the individual in question, it's totally inaccurate and biased to be giving information base on that when it's unconfirmed.

FURTHERMORE, although brain sex can mold how we process things and think, it does not dictate how we act upon our thoughts. Just because someone has a brain sex of female or male does not mean that if they are interested in someone they will do x y and z because everyone is different and has had their own experiences and reacts differently, EVEN IF they have the same personality type and the same brain sex...they will not react identical to each other and a generalization is too far from accurate to be even remotely helpful.
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WOW, I hope that no one had a problem with this, and that someone saw this as true and useful to consider, especially [MENTION=4306]Bill Cosby[/MENTION].

And VH, what slant said doesn't necessarily have anything to do with asexuality. I'm not sure if you were being serious or not, responding to her post by saying that "just because you're asexual, please stop assuming the rest of us are - or should be," but just in case you actually thought that that what what she was getting at, or that's what her brain sex stemmed from... From what she described, I'm actually strikingly similar to her, but I can assure you that I'm not asexual, though from some of what I'm witnessed here, men are looking less and less appealing.

"Brain sex" is without a doubt important to consider, and everyone's varies slightly (actually, I remember ages ago in a psychology class the teacher had us take a "brain sex" test, it was kind of enlightening :3. I believe I got 50/50, if I recall correctly).

For instance, in regards to the generalizations that have been used thus far, I'm nothing like the "Woman's Rating System" described in the Ladder... "Theory." Money/power? *rolls eyes* None of my interests have related to that. And attraction? Based on what women, um, "say they care about but don't."

When I tell you what I care about, I mean it. Please don't invalidate that. Thanks, have a nice day.
 
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Bill Cosby said:
*****UPDATE*******

So long story short I asked her if we were possibly more than friends and she said she had no idea I was interested in her (wtf really?) and she said we should have a talk about it. That was 5 days ago. We have not talked since. I plan on avoiding her and everyone she knows until I move out of this city.

In conclusion women are confusing and don't know what they want. Things were better when they didn't have rights.
That is all.
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She knows exactly what she wants. She just didn't know what YOU wanted. Because although you knew what you wanted, you weren't up front with it, and perhaps she did exactly the same thing. You can't begrudge her this, because although you seem surprised that she wasn't aware of your intentions, you weren't aware of hers, either.

If she said you should have a talk about it, then you should. You didn't know what she intended, and you never figured out what she wanted because you never gave her the chance to communicate that to you.

I'm so gracious that men decided women were worthy of having rights in the first place. You amazing, benevolent beings.
 
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etselec said:
This is the sort of thread that makes me wonder why on earth I joined this forum.
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For the excessive amount of hugs you'll encounter?

And cats. Lots and lots of cats.

1968361-2-big-hug.webp
 
PeaceSeeker said:
Oh good, I was a little worried that you might be 'playing hard to get' just to make the guy chase aimlessly after you.
I actually like to see a little nervousness when flirting :) I think many guys like it as well ....
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Playing hard to get is not some frivolous game--it's way to weed out men who have no ambition.
 
hush said:
I'm so gracious that men decided women were worthy of having rights in the first place. You amazing, benevolent beings.
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You're welcome. God, women are so ungrateful.

etselec said:
This is the sort of thread that makes me wonder why on earth I joined this forum.
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I know women are terrible with computers, so I'll help you out. If you don't like what you see, there is an "X" in the upper right hand corner of your screen. If you click it then all the bad people will go away :)
 
Bill Cosby said:
You're welcome. God, women are so ungrateful.



I know women are terrible with computers, so I'll help you out. If you don't like what you see, there is an "X" in the upper right hand corner of your screen. If you click it then all the bad people will go away :)
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I'm not sure whether you're being serious, doesn't really seem like it, but whatever. Some random person on the internet's potential misogyny isn't worth contemplating. There are plenty of actual sexist assholes (both women and men, though primarily the latter) and/or those who adhere to gender stereotypes in the real world to deal with, lol.
 
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