INFJ: Gender differences

[Motor Jax]

...lol...

Am I aggressive? I have no doubt that there are times I overstep the boundaries of civility when I have reached a point of distress and frustration, and I am often ruthlessly sarcastic and cynical in topics for which I have little sympathy. However, I don't necessarily think that is a bad thing. I care highly about maintaining harmony and protecting other's feelings, but I also care too much about my personal integrity to be anything but upfront and brutally honest about how I feel. Hence, why I try to warn others when I may say something that could be perceived as offensive.

Now if I do cross a line, and begin to personally attack someone else out of spite, then I understand if I am reprimanded or action is taken against me.

no action is necessary or required. i was just relaying what what i was seeing, when in fact, could just have been a jab at sarcastic humor

as for aggression, i totally hear you on this and i completely agree with you

 

[Kwistalline]

I suppose what I lack is impasse resolution or an ability to accept it when it is apparent that the opposing point of view is set in their ways.

some of us have noticed . . .

 

[Motor Jax]

its all good...

 

[gokartride]

For decades I've been raising a family (4 kids...now all in their 20s) and working in a field that demands close interaction with diverse people on a trust level (documentary filmmaker and now environmental projects) I can say that INFJ maleness has unique qualities that...in a word....rock!!! Parenting has been (and is) a pretty special deal and I always felt ably equipped for the task. Those same skills come into play in a different way working with communities and individuals on collaborative projects. However the dominant culture defines maleness, I think the mark may have slipped a bit. A man that is aware, honorable, and generous....living with degree of integrity and sense of discovery should not be as foreign as it seems to be. To really do this takes a bit of courage and inner direction, and can be more edgy than it appears.

 

[Quinlan]

So I think males try to play up their weaker Ti function, which can translate to being extremely concise, being somewhat over analytical, and pointing out every perceived inconsistency.

Hmm sounds a bit like me, almost like a poor man's INTP?

A man that is aware, honorable, and generous....living with degree of integrity and sense of discovery should not be as foreign as it seems to be. To really do this takes a bit of courage and inner direction, and can be more edgy than it appears.

All too true sadly.

 

[BallentineChen]

I think being an INFJ poses some inherent difficulties for males. Most of this has to do with societal expectations for males and INFJs having as having "feminine" characteristics. It's easy to see how this would make them feel a need to defend their masculinity. I'd be more interested in hearing what other male INFJs have to say on this topic.

 

[Entyqua]

I can honestly say I have never met another INFJ (IRL that I know of) So I cant give any insight on this topic...
But have some responses for some of these

And I mean SMALL. weight change, nail color, hair color, cologne/ perfume, soap smell, etc... I also have a fluency in reading other people. Its interesting in the guesses that can come out of intuition..

My husband is an INTP and he is this way too...very observant Notices EVERY mundane detail except when I go out of my way to look nice for him...That he doesnt notice! WTF!

Emotional Intelligence is much more important than IQ

100% agree with this!

Unchecked passion can be the means for destroying what you love the most.

I think all INFJ's can be overly aggressive, especially in areas where we are sensitive. It does appear, and probably b/c of how society treats women in general, that the INFJ female has a better handle on expressing this sensitivity. In other words, I think we express it, but I think we also do so without flaming others (for the most part, from what I've seen here).

I agree with this and I think we can be overly passionate about our sensitivities and come across as aggressive. As we are hurt easily if we are already down we turn into ultra defensive mode, almost like a self destruct. Thus destroying what you hold most dear. I don't know about anyone else but when I am hurt I tend to hold onto it bottle it up until others add to it and then, the next person to say something hurtful I just let them have it with all the passion and emotion i have been holding onto...It generally ends badly Thus pointing out where we can be seen as aggressive...

 

[gokartride]

Most of this has to do with societal expectations for males and INFJs having as having "feminine" characteristics.

From what I can tell current societal expectations are what are off (and in some cases way off)...not the INFJs. That said, I do think INFJ-ness most likely has a very proper and natural expression in women and also a very proper and natural masculine expression, and that they have some identifiable differences even though they are both based in the same type. One only has to check a list of famous INFJs to see that masculinity and INFJ work very well together. However, that's not the overcompensating, faux-swagger, testosterone-poisoned, illusion-driven, I've-got-something-to-prove, cartoon version that is frequently a part of the pop-culture definition of masculinity. Anybody who really believes that stuff is in dire need of a reality-check.

 

[HenRick]

I'm currentlly in Brazil with my cousins. It's seem that people here
are more mature in their relationships much sooner. My cousin always
ask me why did you reject this girl or that and when I tell them they just
don't have what I want mentally they say something like "It's just for you
to make out or have :!: ".

My INTJ cousin said that (he did tell me that he wouldn't chose someone he
would marry the same way though).

Girls are also very what they call "easy" that tend to be infulenced by the Brazilian culture.

It depends on what culture your risen in.
Does anyone also have a culture forced stereotype forced on them?

 

[gokartride]

Does anyone also have a culture forced stereotype forced on them?

We all do...I would most emphatically count on that. That is what is great about spending significant time in other cultures....it gives one a chance to break out of the norm we live in typically.

Years ago I worked with many, many interns from abroad and from every culture imaginable...I can tell you with no ambiguity that you are absolutely correct in your observation in ways that many never realize.

I will also say that as delightful and refreshing as other cultures are/seem, they also have their baggage and dysfunction, too, so it's best not to over-idealize the situation.

If one wants to look at types/cultures that are really, really solid, I recommend doing the same type of thing looking back in time to people whose views/awareness/giftedness has stood the test of time. That is the solid stuff....you can bring that forward into your own life almost as a rudder for processing everything else you see and do.

Have fun on your trip!!!!

 

[Eric86]

The guys tend to be a little sensitive about their manliness. Which is almost a laughable irony... but it's very sweet, in a boyish way.

I'm actually not at all concerned about that. I just be myself, and let others think of me what they will.

I don't know of too many differences.

I think masculinity plays a part in emphasizing the "Protector" part of the INFJ personality as opposed to the "Confidant" part. INFJ males tend to protect ideas, beliefs, and people as opposed to being entrusted by people with private matters.

INFJ is also an inherently feminine personality, Introversion, intuition, and feeling are all traits that are associated with being female. So I think males try to play up their weaker Ti function, which can translate to being extremely concise, being somewhat over analytical, and pointing out every perceived inconsistency. Whereas the females can overlook the details for the bigger picture they have in mind.

I'd have to say I'm like the female INFJs in this area. I do, however, have a very well-developed Ti function, but it works hand in hand with my Fe/Fi, reaching the same results and strengthening them. My feelings and logic support each other, though my feelings are certainly dominant in guiding the direction of those processes.

I don't know if anyone else is like this, though.

 

[cheta]

I'd have to say I'm like the female INFJs in this area. I do, however, have a very well-developed Ti function, but it works hand in hand with my Fe/Fi, reaching the same results and strengthening them. My feelings and logic support each other, though my feelings are certainly dominant in guiding the direction of those processes.

I don't know if anyone else is like this, though.

I agree that INFJs are capable of achieving a strong Ti function. When I was younger, I would let my feelings get the better of me. As I grow older and been through some life experiences, my Ti function develops to balance my Fe side. Type maturity in progress?

 

[frozen_water]

*scratches his head and wonders what Ti lead by Fe would be like...*
...
*takes a step back and wonders what Fe is like at all*

Does decision making by Ni and Fe use the little "voice" that does a monologue in your head all the time and walk through things step by step, or is it more just like instinct?

My husband is an INTP and he is this way too...very observant Notices EVERY mundane detail except when I go out of my way to look nice for him...That he doesnt notice! WTF!

That made me laugh, by the way. Why not look on the bright side and use the fact he doesn't notice how you look as a way to ease the stress on yourself? My guess is he loves the depth to you--the more hidden the better--as much as it sucks that he won't notice when you go out of your way to look good, isn't it a relief he won't notice when you don't?

 

[Inkling]

My husband is an INTP and he is this way too...very observant Notices EVERY mundane detail except when I go out of my way to look nice for him...That he doesnt notice! WTF!

That made me laugh, by the way. Why not look on the bright side and use the fact he doesn't notice how you look as a way to ease the stress on yourself? My guess is he loves the depth to you--the more hidden the better--as much as it sucks that he won't notice when you go out of your way to look good, isn't it a relief he won't notice when you don't?

That's not quite it... you see Girls are highly complicated creatures. Half the time we dress up we are screaming for compliments to make us feel better about ourselves. If no one notices... that makes us feel much worse.
But it is nice when you don't have to dress up when you really don't feel like it at all.

 

[frozen_water]

Half the time we dress up we are screaming for compliments to make us feel better about ourselves. If no one notices... that makes us feel much worse.

huh, I learn something new every day. That makes me a little sad... but thanks for mentioning it all the same.

 

[Kwistalline]

Inky dear, I tend to be the opposite. I dress nice to make myself feel good . . . not sure how that works, but if anyone says I look nice, I instantly want sandals, blue jeans and a ratty t-shirt . . .
lol. Who knew we were related.

 

[Shaz]

This is interesting, the attention I pay to the way I dress also depends on how I feel quite a lot. These days I am getting out of a really negative period and I have an urge to pay more attention to my appearance. Probably a way for me break up with the past.
Generally I'll pay more attention to what I wear when I feel good too. Though as a teen I would pay incredible attention to it, as an affirmation of identity. Pretty common thing for a teenager to do; though I would do all I could to be different from everyone else, not to be part of a particular group, because it was the easiest way I had to tell people I wanted them to recognize and accept my difference, because I felt no one could understand me and my sensitivity.
Obviously at the end of the day it's just clothes, but at the time it was extremely important to me.

Now that I have found people who understand and accept who I really am deep down, without me having to put together a part of acting, I don't use the clothe thing as much. I feel like I have the right to be who I am in my actions and not only through what indirect message I can send to the world (it's still there to an extent but not as much).

But this is more about my own history than about being an infj I think. Though apparently there are quite a lot of enneagram type 4 who are infjs, and I think this type is more prone to what I just described, no?


I'm realizing this post doesn't have much to do with the original point. Oh well.

 

[Entyqua]

My husband is an INTP and he is this way too...very observant Notices EVERY mundane detail except when I go out of my way to look nice for him...That he doesnt notice! WTF!

That made me laugh, by the way. Why not look on the bright side and use the fact he doesn't notice how you look as a way to ease the stress on yourself? My guess is he loves the depth to you--the more hidden the better--as much as it sucks that he won't notice when you go out of your way to look good, isn't it a relief he won't notice when you don't?

That's not quite it... you see Girls are highly complicated creatures. Half the time we dress up we are screaming for compliments to make us feel better about ourselves. If no one notices... that makes us feel much worse.
But it is nice when you don't have to dress up when you really don't feel like it at all.

This is precisely IT! ESPECIALLY when its some one you love not noticing!
I know he loves me deeply and I know he wont express it like I would like or need him too...He does tell me on a whim but its very seldom...he just doesn't think that way!

Inky dear, I tend to be the opposite. I dress nice to make myself feel good . . . not sure how that works, but if anyone says I look nice, I instantly want sandals, blue jeans and a ratty t-shirt . . .
lol. Who knew we were related.

I dont want attention from OTHER men or people thats when I want to look unkempt but when its him...I want to hear him tell me im beautiful with out provocation and just dressing up is something I think might work but never does! I like to dress nice to make myself feel better too...but dont want complements about it either!

 

[Inkling]

Inky dear, I tend to be the opposite. I dress nice to make myself feel good . . .

I did say half the time.... and it's not entirely other-people-focused, sis I am my own worst critic in many ways. There were times I've been complimented on something i thought looked old and made me look bad, and had pre-decided that it would be my last time wearing it. The 'screaming for compliments' is mostly unconscious for me, but i know several people that visibly perk up when complimented on their clothes... it's like the sun breaking out on a cloudy day!
My 'dressing for self' and 'dressing for others' desires mostly work together, but when they clash, it's usually when i come up with this cool idea, put it all on, then when I'm in public i totally lose my confidence and wish i was in normal clothes.
Maybe that's why i like renaissance fairs. I love dressing up in crazy costumes, yet not attracting attention to myself when in said costumes.

not sure how that works, but if anyone says I look nice, I instantly want sandals, blue jeans and a ratty t-shirt... lol. Who knew we were related.

It's because of your own intense dislike of the accepted norm, my dear. If your clothes are accepted, you instantly dislike them. If someone dissed your outfit, you'd probably wear it for a week straight, in spite of hygiene (j/k).

 

[G.Kai]

I believe the whole gender thing is a problem for NF males in general. The odd thing about masculinity in a sensate-run world is that if you're "manly," it means you like to hang around with other men. I much prefer the company of women, but for some reason, this makes me less manly in the eyes of my S-type acquaintances.

I like NT women. They usually have a not-so-girly-girl thing going on that I find attractive.

When it comes to mating between intuitive types, I think the NF/NT match works out well, especially from the minority viewpoint. Most NFs are female, and they're generally not looking for female traits in a male. However, most NTs are male, so the NT female may seek her true counterpart in an NF male.