INFJ kryptonite

LadyINFJ said:
For me probably one of the worst things being INFJ is that people around me rarely meet my high expectations. I expect them to be responsible, serious, give their best, focused and determined. I expect them to be like me. And they are not. And it is disappointing me a lot. :m142: I get frustrated by the fact that in a group project I always give everything to do things in the best possible way, the most effective and rewarding way, but others are oh, so slow and ineffective, so I end up wasting my time and efforts. And really dislike wasting time and efforts. I wish I could live in a world full with people like me who all give their best all the time and aim for the most effective way of doing things. And ofc another weakness is that I have problems accepting that the world is not a fair place where justice and good prevail :m142:
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That's me as well.
 
It might be an E4 thing as well, but staying objective - realizing when you're lapsing into spiraling, endless loop of analysing everything and especially yourself is madness. Analysis to the extreme, and all the feelings that come down with it ("what did I do, what should have I done, what actually happened") - even though there's nothing to be analyzed! Self-acceptance and just - letting - go of all the thoughts that really serve no purpose / are vain / harmful. Trying to be more pragmatic, too - knowing what is fantasy and what is vision. Doing, not just fantazising / theorizing.

Staying grounded and active in the real world - not isolating oneself. Balancing Ti / Fe.

Recognizing your talents realistically, this one is hard.
 
Expectation
 
I have a hard time with the J in my personality. This need for control is really frustrating for me since it does not fit well with my reality now or will it ever. What's odd about the J is that I don't seem to have the same level of rigidity when it comes to my imagination and fantasy life. Yet, in my real life, I have this often unconscious but strong drive to keep things organized and predictable. It is uncomfortable and honestly I don't like this trait in myself or others. I guess that's a classic case of projecting my own shadow self onto others! I know I have to come to terms with some of my more negative parts but its still a work in progress.
 
For me, it's external expectations, conflict, depression (if that counts), and self-defeating thoughts. These often culminate (together or individually) in feeling unlovable.

Wyst said:
Any INFJs out there believe they are unlovable? Not in the 'cute, warm, and fuzzy way', I mean do you believe 'No one will ever choose/want me'.

Obviously this wouldn't be unique to INFJs. But given their propensity to isolate, spend time in thought life instead of the realworld, AND a hefty fear of rejection (as the rejector/rejectee) I think that feeling like you'll never be wanted/chosen would be especially tough for an INFJ.
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All of my above forms of kryptonite create internal distress. Since we tend to live in fantasy & future so much, I have the habit of simply escaping the distress and plunging into fantasy and/or future. Then I look at myself (the whole over-analysis thing) and see myself fleeing from, rather than dealing with, my problems. How can I value that? So I quit loving myself. And therefore I can't imagine that others would love me. It's a whole nasty cycle that repeats with sad regularity.

I don't know what the cure is, but I've found this: It took a LOT of effort on my part to get into chiropractic school. That's something I did on my own; no one else was helping or pushing really. So I remember that, and I know I can do it. That gives me courage to face other problems. Also, my girlfriend (INFJ too!) has repeatedly demonstrated unconditional acceptance and love. This too helps me know that I AM lovable, regardless of what my feelings tell me.

I hope someone can pull something useful out of this. ;)
 
Definitely extreme isolation, I second that. Also, we have a hard time taking care of ourselves when people around us are in need.
 
solitude fortifys

Isolation kills
 
Barnabas said:
solitude fortifys

Isolation kills
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True.

I think the difference between the two might be that one voluntarily withdraws into solitude, but with isolation you don't have any choice or freedom to escape it.

Often times I'll turn the occasional isolation I experience into solitude by accepting and using it.
 
sdraguer, your avatar looks like ... me :m187: Except for lips and eyes color - the rest is ... disturbingly ... like me.
 
Anyone else worry about being a burden to others?

I spent some time self-reflecting on the whole "feeling unlovable" thing and came to the conclusion that so much of why I retreat from social contact has to do with not wanting other people to feel like they have to make the effort to understand me and earn my trust. It comes naturally to me to peel back layers in others. I just don't want to impose that burden on anyone else.

It's sort of arrogant, but I don't mean it to be. It's like having high standards for myself and excusing everyone else.

I guess I was thinking that maybe a lot of INFJs don't want to be a burden to others but that they feel that way for different reasons. Maybe you haven't made up your mind yet and don't know what you want or maybe you feel like you're too much of a paradox, or whatever, and you feel that others shouldn't have to put up with that, even if you don't mind being that way.

Or maybe I'm way off base...?
 
Yes, I do worry about being a burden to others... I am constantly looking out for a way I can be less instrusive.

I don't really doubt that I deserve love. But I doubt that I will ever find someone who will be willing to commit to me, because, after all what's there about me to love that others don't have? This is actually one of the concerns most often at the forefront of my mind...

I live in the "maybe". So true. It's so hard to just get off my butt and go make it happen that more often than not I just don't bother, and then I end up feeling horrible afterwards.

People disappoint me ALL the time. I have such rigid standards about what people should do, when, and why... and it's fine if they don't fllow this code of conduct. I just don't want to be friends with them... and truth is, I can't be. I'm not made that way. Makes for a very lonely existence.

So, so many quotes I could take from this thread. This is so strange to me, actually feeling like there are people out there like me. I always just feel like an oddball.
 
sdraguer said:
It might be an E4 thing as well, but staying objective - realizing when you're lapsing into spiraling, endless loop of analysing everything and especially yourself is madness. Analysis to the extreme, and all the feelings that come down with it ("what did I do, what should have I done, what actually happened") - even though there's nothing to be analyzed! Self-acceptance and just - letting - go of all the thoughts that really serve no purpose / are vain / harmful. Trying to be more pragmatic, too - knowing what is fantasy and what is vision. Doing, not just fantazising / theorizing.

Staying grounded and active in the real world - not isolating oneself. Balancing Ti / Fe.

Recognizing your talents realistically, this one is hard.
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Well said.
 
Wonder12, you sound completely normal to me :) I don't get how could you question your uniqueness that deserves to be loved, but I believe that INFJs are appreciated and loved only by people who really have eyes and "eyes" to see our true colors.
In my case my husband really sees in me what noone else managed to see so far and even thugh he sometimes does not meet my high standards, he is the closest to perfect for a partner I could ever imagine.
I've always imagined my partner being like this and that and this and that and so on a very detailed picture, a really detailed picture not about physical appearance but about inner qualities and character, thinking and seeing the world in a way that is both completing me AND similar to my own.
Well, considering the fact that my own mother told me that no living man will meet my requirements in a real world, I satisfied myself with a let's say 80% match which is fairly enough. I think.
But disappointment ... this you will always have with you. This is how we are. We will only avoid disappointment when dealing with people like us.
I am extremely picky about who gets the priviledge to be called my friend and I make no compromises with this.
And something else. If somebody betrayes me I might forgive eventually, but I never forget. And this person gets a big black dot in his record. And my attitude is never the same again. Once failed, always in the black list. Yeah, it might sound extreme but I can't help it.
 
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