[INFJ] INFJ (M) and ENFP (F) had a fight after a 6th date and she wants to be friends now?

[Polly Wes]

Alritghtyyy!! Woohoo! calling all INFJS and ENFPs to chime in!!

Here goes! INFJ guy here and was / is dating ENFP lass. We are both in our mid late 30s

I've been dating this ENFP lass for about 2 months. First 3 dates were casual just the two of us having dinners and chats, until the restaurant closed, we had long deep talks and time seemed to just pass until the stores closed. There was (in my opinion) good chemistry.. the banter the teasing and the occasional flirt, and her response of wanting to hit me back.

On the 4th date, i made my move and declared my intention, i asked her permission to date her officially and well we had 3 other dates officially. Things seem to head off on a good start, there wasn't any hand holding, but we got close when sitting to each other, very comfortable in each other's private space. I thought she was just shy and im pretty traditional in terms of dating so we weren't kissing and making out yet.

At this point we had some late night calls and we could chat for a good amount of time etc. Now here comes the kicker two sundays ago, I called her over the phone and just asked her how she was. The start of the conversation was the usual teasing and being silly me, since i was already comfortable being around her and had no issues showing my full self.

Suddenly she starts to bring up the topic about US, and says ... i don't know im thinking about US, and she started coming at me about mentioning us dating to a mutual couple friend of ours, and was curious about their experience when she was volunteering with them. The lass suddenly went ballistic on me saying that we're not dating... we're dating as friends. and went on to justify what her definition of dating is. So i was surprised and told her isn't this what we're doing? and her response was, "I thought that you asking me permission to date was a joke" and i'm like WTF? So i clarified and told her i wasn't joking and i seriously thought we were moving on being exclusive and in the process of heading to courtship. I was so shocked by her statements, i wasnt able to rationally respond immediately since this came out of the blue.

I was quite concerned about her need to justify her definition of dating, and not like clarify what it is now. And it became really, "MY idea of dating VS YOUR idea of dating" and since MY idea of dating it is, it then justifies the "you're kidding about us dating right". She went on "I date my girlfriends", "i go out on dates with groups of people." So i went, hey its you and me, we planned to meet, go for walks do, spend time together. Like what else beside it being a date? I've made my intention clear so whats with the 180?

She then went on with the oh i like you as a friend.. and i believe there is someone else better for you. So im like wtf, is this a shit test? Does she have esteem issues, or feel like im too good for her. I'm into psychology and i did pick out a few concerns about her not valuing herself and her having some esteem issues about how she prides herself in her work.

So i asked the next question and said, why are you raising this up now, and if you thought i was joking about dating you, why didn't you clarify again. We had alot of time between our last date on wed, and i even called her on friday to chat over the phone. Suddenly on the sunday when i called her, she just went ballastic over some person i just casually brought up the subject of dating. ( the person was rather excited about it ) and probably congratulated her or something that we're dating. And she went ballastic, so im sitting here scratching my head? Like whats up with this lass, i mean shes ENFP, but this can be an issue of personal character rather than ENFP.

I was clearly upset and said, there isn't reason for us to be doing this anymore if you just wanna be friends, why even plan for a further date a few days back, when you're feeling like this? So we left the conversation as i said that i had nothing more to say to her at that point. and kinda just left feeling really confused and upset.

The next that after i had regained my composure, i just said okay ive stated my intention, you know im interested, since you clearly acknowledged my confession of love, I take our relationship seriously and was disappointed that you thought our dating was me joking? I just told her I felt hurt by thinking us dating is a joke because i'm emotionally invested. And said im gonna to take some time out from this, i can't just go back being friends with you. that's nuts.

So TLDR, there are two issues. one wants to be friends suddenly, and there was a sudden argument.
I have no idea what happened in-between and one of my mates said that someone close to her might have disapproved our relationship and forced her to pull the brakes.

My other mate commented, maybe she just liked the attention, the nice gift, the nice dinners and the car rides, or she was emotionally immature ... ( for a mid 30 year old lady ) The annoying thing is that she goes on line on whatsapp but she take a gazillion years to respond.

Comments! Nuclear options! blow it to hell! KTHXBAI option.
lemme know what you guys think.?

I obviously didn't blow it to hell in my last text, I'm just thinking we might need some space to cool off though i intentionally told her lets take some time off and cancelled the date we were suppose to have two days later.

I'm not being needy but i reckon if its a fight, and what we're fighting about is irrelevant, i might want to call her soon and ask her.. like seriously what's going on? I can accept that if she tells me she led me on and she's a b!tich great, i'll move on, but if something is bothering her and if there is some degree of misunderstanding.. why not talk it out?

I know im weird for and infj with 4w5 but i can be pretty assertive and know what i want but not push the limits too much that it sounds disrespectful toward her.

Cheers!
Ordz

I find INFJs tend to be open and direct in their intentions. Where as the NFPs tend to be ‘assuming’ they don’t respond as directly, they may hint but not be direct.

I had this issue with an INFP male, he assumed we were together, never discussed it but just assumed. Of course I wanted to be with him but how is one suppose to know without communication!

Unfortunately upfront communication can cause the NFP to not know how to respond, they get frazzled and will often come up with anything to just avoid the potential conflict, which isn’t really a conflict but rather clarification. In their mind you have crossed a boundary, what the boundary is who knows because they won’t tell you, they just expect you to know. I do t think they work well with clear defined roles, it impinges what they describe as their authentic self. And if you seek further clarification you’ve lost them - they need much more processing time.

 

[ZcM4xzkjgzCjytBc]

You agreed to date and she doesn't wanna date.
Pretty straight forward. Don't waste your time.

There's so many detours we can take about your (@ordz404) issue, but that would simply be indulgent of hope she's trying to give you. It really is this simple: she doesn't want to date, and you don't want to be friends (BTW, in your situation, you definitely should not).

I've been here. The way you should respond is with complete honesty, yielding your ego to state your disadvantaged position, and why it is a terrible idea for you, and that she should empathize with your situation. I doubt you'll do this, but it's a good idea because it places everyone's cards at the table right then and there, and you'll never look back to think if you've done the wrong thing. A big part of why I've revisited my past was uncertainty, and I always think if I wasn't understood, or I made the wrong impression, or made some mistake in general.

It's hard to yield to someone, but even if (especially if) she's a piece of shit, at least you'll know. Just because she's convincing you otherwise, doesn't mean her intentions are good, nor does it mean she even knows she is doing the wrong thing.

 

[shayshay]

I think shes just an immature Enfp for ya.
As an Infp, i understand the need of nfps receiving validity and love by others, i think more so for extroversion types.
When it comes to relationships, nfps are more likely to test the waters first and see how it goes, because somehow when a person admits to liking us, its just an absolute shock to our nervous system.
All the relationships we've had so far with others were all just about fun and hobbies and sports and studies and fairies and poop butterflies. But suddenly you, the infj, wants something more than just the surface, something more seriously planned and commited?
Alrighty let me just see myself out
Nfps have an assuming ass because we're not great at planning and tend to be flaky on certain things.

I think nfps who are a bit mature tho, or atleast are able to cope and use their Te and Si functions in an intermediary use, wont have a problem with you being assertive on your intentions on dating us. At some point, we have to be assertive on ourselves too and use some of that STJ spice from time to time coz life aint all about fun and games (although we try our best to maintain it so it doesnt become to gloomy and serious).

Ps. Im married to an infj, and day by day im still getting used to the infj "intention and willpower" mindset. Ni honestly kinda feeds on my Te at an aggresive level sometimes, whether i like it or not

 

[Matty]

That was an interesting read.

I liked the unintended pun: the relationship became an abandonship.

 

[Quarkmaster]

T-types should not date T-types and F-types should not date F-types. Those relationships are as dry and dispassionate as eight-day-old bread. F-types should only date T-types and T-types should only date F-types.

I recently met a beautiful young woman and asked her to take the test. I suspected she would come up INTJ, since we'd had some fairly intense discussions, and she was going to law school, graduating soon. The next time I saw her, she said "ISTJ", and my heart sank.

She remarked that it seemed right, since "lawyer" was typically an ISTJ occupation.

On the other hand, it began to make sense why every time I talked to her it felt like some sort of intellect contest or courtroom debate. I would go away from our little "chats" only slightly exhausted.

She's a gorgeous woman, but I don't need my evenings (or days off) filled with debate.

Some of those MBTI web sites actually suggest that I would get along great with some other T-types, like ENTJs, ENTPs, and even other INTPs. I do get along great with those types, but I don't want to kiss them!

I also prefer to spend my time with iNtuitives, whatever their type.