[INFJ] INFJ male doesn't want to be friends anymore and ignored messages. What should I do?

[neow]

Things you should do:

* Sit on a grassy knoll with the sun at your back and a broad brimmed hat on your head

* Eat sweet mustard pickles with cheese on fresh bread

* Draw a colour pencil picture of a house you enjoyed living in

* Gossip with a friend about their new girlfriend or boyfriend

There's not much I can do at this stage until I see how he treats me when uni starts so I've been trying to do that actually, thanks for the advice

 

[invisible]

Sound advice.

Thank you acd. Many tribulations have inflicted convictions on me, and I shall never hesitate to propound on them.

There's not much I can do at this stage until I see how he treats me when uni starts so I've been trying to do that actually, thanks for the advice

I didn't write anything about uni starting or seeing how he treats you.

I don't think you've been trying to do those things at all, because you reply to me as though they are all one thing. They are 4 separate things. If you knew to do them you wouldn't have needed to ask what you should do. That's why I posted in response to your thread.

Trying is not good enough. You need to do those things, not try to do them.

Do your best! Good luck!

 

[acd]

Haha, I sort of agree, my self esteem/self worth was a little crushed from the experience, since I began to doubt everything about myself and wondered if it was solely my fault among other things. I think if I hadn't overestimated his level of maturity and had immediately confronted addressed his specific questions or statements as he made them (such as asking what he means rather than trying to interpret it in a more platonic way), perhaps it wouldn't have gotten this bad.

I think in this case he may have wanted me to chase him/initiate if I was to read his messages from that perspective. Not long before his strange behaviour started, we had a conversation about crushes and he said not all guys feel comfortable initiating and I wasn't sure if he was just talking about it as if we were two friends telling each other opinions or if he was trying to tell me.

Although maybe it was a good thing that I didn't, since it really does seem like we have some incompatibilities that wouldn't work in a relationship (I like to discuss (only if they're major or recurring) issues openly to solve them because I've learnt from past experiences it solves problems faster, while he prefers to not voice anything but expresses it in a very indirect way).

My friends have questioned why I would even want to accept him back into my circle after this and while it's mainly because we have to spend time with the same group nearly everyday for the next 2 years until we graduate, it's also because if he only tried to change me because he was considering me a potential partner (since he didn't expect the same from our other friend), then as long as he no longer does in future, we can be friends like before things became murky, since we had a really good friendship prior.

I think if you had a good friendship prior you wouldn't be going through this. You guys would have been up front and able to talk about things, or at least work through any misunderstanding. I think it would be better to focus on why you are in University, not on making things work with this guy at uni. You guys can be civil as you remain classmates.

 

[neow]

I’m embarrassed to say that saying I’m ok when I’m obviously not is something that I do struggle with. It may be related to my shadow functions but I think the clinical term is “being an immature dick” where I’m inwardly just having difficulty processing anger and resentment that the other person isn’t a mind reader. It’s something thar needs to be worked on and my point in mentioning it is to emphasize that the op shouldn’t get too caught up in what she may have done because it’s obviously way more his problem than hers.

This dude takes passive aggression to a whole other level though. I can’t imagine what a crazy intricate dance it takes to maintain even a casual friendship with him and it infuriates me to think of how much energy it would require to weed one’s way through such seemingly arbitrary and random grudges.

Hahaha, I understand sometimes there's not much you can do except be passive aggressive, I still do that sometimes but it's because I don't see the issue worth having a serious discussion about

I was just disappointed he didn't feel like he could tell me when I told him multiple times when he had problems with others that I prefer someone tell me seriously if they have a major issue with me rather than letting it fester and build up resentment/frustration. He told me in the first conversation that it's because of his fear of judgement, confrontation and "being treated like the one with the problem".

 

[neow]

Also just an update on the situation:

Once I realised he blocked my messages, I did the same but only so the conversation would be moved to message requests so I wouldn't be wondering if he "read" my message or not. I continued having conversations with our other friends in our large group chat and I mentioned getting an xray that day for my injury from a few weeks prior.

Two days later I had already processed and experienced the emotions I went through so I decided to unblock his messages.

I saw that toward the end of the day we had that final "argument", he had replied to that last message I sent with "No worries, I'll have cu round mate" (really strange from him and containing typos).

I suppose he noticed the same thing I did when he blocked my messages and I saw that at 2am the day I unblocked the messages, him asking how my injury was and whether or not I had made it worse by working out, then asked if I had seen a doctor yet about the results.

I wasn't sure if he was asking out of genuine concern and regret at what he said or if he was just being polite after his message to me but I decided to reply back politely that I would soon and thanked him for asking and he replied that he hoped it wasn't too bad and told me to becareful. I just replied that it wasn't too good but would take care then thanked him.

So far I've just continued talking to our friends while he just reads our conversations and preparing for a job interview I have in a few days so I'm in a much better place than I was the last two weeks, I hope he's been dealing with it okay since it's obvious this has also affected him a lot given his reaction.

Uni is in 15 days so I plan on avoiding being in his physical presence as much as possible since I need to focus on getting organised for the semester. If he decides to seek me out or approach me then I won't push him away but will still keep some emotional distance for the time being at least.

 

[neow]

I think if you had a good friendship prior you wouldn't be going through this. You guys would have been up front and able to talk about things, or at least work through any misunderstanding. I think it would be better to focus on why you are in University, not on making things work with this guy at uni. You guys can be civil as you remain classmates.

I'm actually not worried about me being civil at uni, but whether I think he can without being awkward about it, I'm not too sure.

We had a lot of trust (or at least he trusted me enough to share very personal things) and care towards each other (we both made active efforts to make the other happy and cared for) which is why I valued the friendship so much. I thought he accepted me for who I was and we didn't have issues as a result, so I've been trying to figure out why our dynamic changed and why he began to feel the need to have more of a say in (and expect me to change) what I said and did, even my life choices.

I do think it was unfair of me to expect him to change by being more vocal about issues he had while I unconsciously expected him to accept me as I was, so that's where I went wrong as well. I did tell him I agreed with some things he said and would adjust. I intend on doing that regardless of the outcome between us, since I do see it as something I could improve about myself.

Ideally I would like us to be friends since it would make things go by naturally without any worry but I've also accepted that if that doesn't happen, I'll be okay if we can just get along without active resentment or him commenting on how I interact with our friends. I just don't want our friends to notice something has changed since I know it would upset some of them and make them feel awkward around us.

 

[acd]

I'm actually not worried about me being civil at uni, but whether I think he can without being awkward about it, I'm not too sure.

We had a lot of trust (or at least he trusted me enough to share very personal things) and care towards each other (we both made active efforts to make the other happy and cared for) which is why I valued the friendship so much. I thought he accepted me for who I was and we didn't have issues as a result, so I've been trying to figure out why our dynamic changed and why he began to feel the need to have more of a say in (and expect me to change) what I said and did, even my life choices.

I do think it was unfair of me to expect him to change by being more vocal about issues he had while I unconsciously expected him to accept me as I was, so that's where I went wrong as well. I did tell him I agreed with some things he said and would adjust. I intend on doing that regardless of the outcome between us, since I do see it as something I could improve about myself.

Ideally I would like us to be friends since it would make things go by naturally without any worry but I've also accepted that if that doesn't happen, I'll be okay if we can just get along without active resentment or him commenting on how I interact with our friends. I just don't want our friends to notice something has changed since I know it would upset some of them and make them feel awkward around us.

Fe!! Let people feel awkward if they feel awkward. They will work through it. We can't control everyone's moods and reactions. We can only lead with our own. Set your own example if you don't want anyone else to be awkward about things. The less awkward you act about it, the less awkward anyone else will feel. It won't be a big deal unless you make it one. Or unless he does. But if he tries, just be cool and don't get sucked into it or feed into it. Then it will fade out.

We can only control our own actions. If he acts awkward or uncivil that's on him. But I would bet if you just go on about your own business not focusing on him, you guys may end up talking again anyway. Just give space and focus on yourself and maybe he will come around or maybe he won't. But I personally wouldn't let it affect my schooling or focusing on my goals if I were you.

 

[neow]

Thank you acd. Many tribulations have inflicted convictions on me, and I shall never hesitate to propound on them.



I didn't write anything about uni starting or seeing how he treats you.

I don't think you've been trying to do those things at all, because you reply to me as though they are all one thing. They are 4 separate things. If you knew to do them you wouldn't have needed to ask what you should do. That's why I posted in response to your thread.

Trying is not good enough. You need to do those things, not try to do them.

Do your best! Good luck!

My bad, I interpreted it as being a general message "just do things that are productive or make you happy and don't overthink this" and I meant that while this is something I might have to deal with again eventually, I know for now there's nothing to be done and have been doing other things instead

Thanks for the advice, I'll take it on board

 

[neow]

Oh Fe... Let people feel awkward if they feel awkward. They will work through it. We can't control everyone's moods and reactions. We can only lead with our own. Set your own example if you don't want anyone else to be awkward about things. The less awkward you act about it, the less awkward anyone else will feel. It won't be a big deal unless you make it one. Or unless he does. But if he tries, just be cool and don't get sucked into it or feed into it. Then it will fade out.

We can only control our own actions. If he acts awkward or uncivil that's on him. But I would bet if you just go on about your own business not focusing on him, you guys may end up talking again anyway. Just give space and focus on yourself and maybe he will come around or maybe he won't. But I personally wouldn't let it affect my schooling or focusing on my goals if I were you.

You're right, I can only do my best to set a good example and hope he also does the same, but if not then I shouldn't blame myself. I'll give myself some space to bring my focus away from him to focus better on myself if the situation really calls for it.

I'll do my best, thanks for the advice and reassurance!

 

[highlighter]

another point to consider is that ISFJ & INFJ are not a very combo. You both have people pleaser types of processing but for totally different reasons and in totally different ways. In short the main problem with this combo is that neither of you will be able to truly value what the other is best at providing. best case is you simply would have lived with it and got along but never being really content. Well its possible that you may be able to be content an INFJ can meet an INSFJs needs fairly well in bursts thought its difficult to sustain.

 

[Offline]

Hi all, I'll try to be as concise and unbiased as possible but there's a lot I'm a female ISFJ who really needs advice and has exhausted all other options of opinions from my closest friends and my mother.

This is about the same INFJ guy who is in the same university friendship group as I am that I posted a thread about 2 months ago. We had a very warm friendship that I considered very close especially in the last 3 months of last year, particularly as I did notice him sharing more things with me and another male friend who is an INFP (but more with me when we were alone). Around this time he would sometimes engage in behaviour most people would consider flirting and "boyfriend-like" but I always dismissed it as his quirky personality and due to him being younger (by 2.5 years) and went to an all boys' school (and thus not being as aware of boundaries between male and female friends).

I had feelings for him but wasn't sure if he did so I would be very indirect and would respond lukewarm or sarcastically when he was saying "flirtatious" things. I should mention that after everything that's happened, I have no intent on pursuing anything with him or being that close with him again, but I am hoping that we can be friends, which I think he no longer wants to be at the moment.

The trouble started when I casually mentioned a female coworker as "the coworker I like" in our group chat who I thought he would know I was talking about as I told him various times that she was the only coworker I liked working with. He messaged me privately and asked "he or she? the coworker?" and I said "she" and while I found it strange to ask me that question, I decided not to ask. He proceeded to be cold and distant towards me in the group chat for about a week.

This pattern of him asking about a male friend or coworker then being a little distant would continue for another few weeks until the end of last month. After that he was distant for a few weeks until we started talking again in our group chats before he went overseas last week. Some of the times he became distant would be when we had disagreements about small things in the smaller group chat with INFP male (who would agree with me most of the time). He would then suddenly initiate conversation with me whenever I told the group I was going out and things would be fine for a short time.

A few weeks ago, he started making sarcastic remarks in a different tone than he usually does with regards to things that I said or did that he didn't approve of (such as oversharing or extreme humour). I was hurt each time and responded with jokes or ignored the remarks because I didn't want to believe that was his intent.

Everyone so far has told me that even though I've made mistakes (I've apologised as sincerely as I could and I know that doesn't immediately absolve me of blame). I felt really hurt not because of what he said and did recently, but by what I so far interpret as his intentions were behind them.

I already asked two close INFJ females (to see their point of view on what I did - he doesn't approve of me sharing any inside jokes I've had with others to him or anyone which was his main point) and they agreed while it was something they consider quite hurtful, his response was extreme, particularly for someone who never voiced it directly to me as a serious concern to him.

I wanted to initially ignore him but felt it was unfair to say anything so I foolishly and impulsively messaged him several days after my apology which was a few days after our initial conversation instead of waiting until he came back from overseas as I initially intended.

He was very angry (understandably) and at the end of our conversation about what I had to say when I asked if he felt we could still be good friends and understood if he didn't, he said "I'm not the type to force friendships to work but we are not on bad terms and that is all that matters to me."

What we talked about was that I felt hurt by what I perceived to be his intentions in the words he said to me. After reacting to his message on facebook, 40 mins later I sent him "Thank you for listening to me. I am glad we are not on bad terms and I'll see you around ". But I noticed the icon saying it was sent but not delivered so I assume he has clicked "ignore messages" on Facebook.

Uni starts again in about 3 weeks. We have classes nearly everyday and our breaks together tend to be long so I'll feel very awkward and uncomfortable knowing if he has any resentment towards me. I'm wondering if anyone thinks it's possible for an INFJ male in this situation to be willing to be friends with me again, especially after he has chosen to ignore my messages. I know he has done it to avoid a situation where I might send more messages while he's overseas but I'm not sure if he's going to try to make that a permanent thing. How should I approach this other than my original approach to have given him distance?

Thanks in advance for your advice/opinions, I really appreciate them!

You are the better person in this situation, you basically did everything possible to make it clear you are sorry for what happened but if he doesn't accept you honestly should find someone that will never in my life has a female ever apologized to me for anything so in my eyes you are the one that has done a lot for him. (Sorry if that was annoying).

 

[SpecialEdition]

He sounds like a passive aggressive loser that can't be upfront with you about what he's thinking or feeling. Whenever I have to deal with a person like this I like to confront them about it and clear the air. If they still don't want to be upfront and continue to act weird I move on as if there was no problem. You've apologized and tried talking to him and he doesn't seem interested in being upfront with you about what's going on with him. That's not your responsibility. If he's not willing to be honest with you then you shouldn't waste your time wondering about it. He can suffer internally about what he's got going on with him. If he treats you like shit then call him out on it. If he wants to be passive aggressive don't even waste your time on it. Passive aggression is such a lowlife form of communicating. It's absolutely intolerable.

I'd just assume that what he said about not being on bad terms is true until he actually says something that tells you otherwise. Don't lose sleep over him.

 

[neow]

You are the better person in this situation, you basically did everything possible to make it clear you are sorry for what happened but if he doesn't accept you honestly should find someone that will never in my life has a female ever apologized to me for anything so in my eyes you are the one that has done a lot for him. (Sorry if that was annoying).

Hahaha you have a point and that's not annoying at all, thanks for the input! I apologized because I felt it was the right thing for me to do so apologizing wasn't that big of a deal to me :'D

The situation may have changed a little and now I'm not sure if I should re-initiate contact since he did message me again first but while polite/friendly, I gave him closed responses to his messages, allowing little room for any conversation. It's possible he may have gotten the impression that I didn't want to talk to him ever again unless necessary and consequently has been reluctant to interact with me further?

He unblocked my messages a few hours after he initially blocked them because I saw the message I sent was delivered but I blocked his messages (to hide the conversation from my inbox because I didn't want to keep checking if he had read or replied). So when he replied "No worries, I'll have cu round" several hours later, I didn't see it so didn't reply. I did continue talking to our friends in our group chat like normal and noticed he would read the messages (you can still see messages from people you ignore in group chats).

Two days after that I was prepared to see if he had responded or not so I unblocked the messages and saw his initial reply as well as additional messages he sent the same day I unblocked the messages. They were in a different tone from the first asking about an injury I mentioned in our group chat and I replied in a polite/friendly tone not expecting further responses but he continued to ask about it once more which I gave another closed/polite reply to, without asking how he was in return.

I was thinking of tonight just asking how he was and telling him if he was back from overseas, there's a sale at this place we both like shopping at and leaving it at that so he knows that I'm not mad at him if that's what he's worried about. After that, I intend on letting him approach me in future if he wants but I'm prepared and okay with him not doing so if that's what he genuinely feels.

I still plan on putting focus on myself and my studies so it'll be easy for me to avoid seeing him/our group in person for at least a few weeks to give us both space. It might be strange since we both sort of bring our group together but it's just what I feel has to happen for now

A few days ago our friend asked in our group chat if anyone would like to meet at their house and I said I would get back to them on that. At the same time he saw and seemed interested by reacting to the message while seeing mine. He replied an hour later that he would also get back to our friend on that. It's possible he genuinely doesn't know if he can make it, but he could see my response as me not wanting to see him and waiting for his response but I already decided yesterday I wouldn't go regardless for other reasons.

I've also noticed he unliked that quote several days ago about removing people from your life for better people, but of course I wouldn't read too much into that (we follow the same account which is how I know).

 

[neow]

He sounds like a passive aggressive loser that can't be upfront with you about what he's thinking or feeling. Whenever I have to deal with a person like this I like to confront them about it and clear the air. If they still don't want to be upfront and continue to act weird I move on as if there was no problem. You've apologized and tried talking to him and he doesn't seem interested in being upfront with you about what's going on with him. That's not your responsibility. If he's not willing to be honest with you then you shouldn't waste your time wondering about it. He can suffer internally about what he's got going on with him. If he treats you like shit then call him out on it. If he wants to be passive aggressive don't even waste your time on it. Passive aggression is such a lowlife form of communicating. It's absolutely intolerable.

I'd just assume that what he said about not being on bad terms is true until he actually says something that tells you otherwise. Don't lose sleep over him.

Thanks for the input ^_^

It seems he's tried to re-initiate contact but yes you're right, if we manage to move on from this but in future he acts like this again, I fully intend on asking him as soon as it happens or if he treats me badly, I'll just distance myself to prevent a repeat which he would definitely notice. I normally do this with most people but I guess I overestimated his maturity.

My hope is that we move and I'll be able to establish (and communicate effectively) my standards and expectations almost like this specific incident didn't happen for the sake of our group and maybe he will grow and learn from it just as I have.

He now knows where I stand in terms of who I believe was at fault etc (both of us) and that's good enough for me. If he genuinely wants to maintain a friendship instead of ending it like he initially thought, I'm okay with that since that means he thought about what I said (he tried to talk to me a few days later which he wouldn't otherwise since he's stubborn and doesn't like pretending).

 

[SpecialEdition]

Thanks for the input ^_^

It seems he's tried to re-initiate contact but yes you're right, if we manage to move on from this but in future he acts like this again, I fully intend on asking him as soon as it happens or if he treats me badly, I'll just distance myself to prevent a repeat which he would definitely notice. I normally do this with most people but I guess I overestimated his maturity.

My hope is that we move and I'll be able to establish (and communicate effectively) my standards and expectations almost like this specific incident didn't happen for the sake of our group and maybe he will grow and learn from it just as I have.

He now knows where I stand in terms of who I believe was at fault etc (both of us) and that's good enough for me. If he genuinely wants to maintain a friendship instead of ending it like he initially thought, I'm okay with that since that means he thought about what I said (he tried to talk to me a few days later which he wouldn't otherwise since he's stubborn and doesn't like pretending).

Well it's hard to say. Some people are just naturally insufferable about this kind of stuff. Don't ever be afraid to get blunt with him when he starts heading down that path again. If you standing up for yourself and demanding respect ends your friendship then that's a good thing. It just means he's not meant to be a part of your life because he can't take ownership of himself and how own feelings and behaviour. I say proceed with caution with this dude. He sounds petty.

 

[Offline]

Hahaha you have a point and that's not annoying at all, thanks for the input! I apologized because I felt it was the right thing for me to do so apologizing wasn't that big of a deal to me :'D

The situation may have changed a little and now I'm not sure if I should re-initiate contact since he did message me again first but while polite/friendly, I gave him closed responses to his messages, allowing little room for any conversation. It's possible he may have gotten the impression that I didn't want to talk to him ever again unless necessary and consequently has been reluctant to interact with me further?

He unblocked my messages a few hours after he initially blocked them because I saw the message I sent was delivered but I blocked his messages (to hide the conversation from my inbox because I didn't want to keep checking if he had read or replied). So when he replied "No worries, I'll have cu round" several hours later, I didn't see it so didn't reply. I did continue talking to our friends in our group chat like normal and noticed he would read the messages (you can still see messages from people you ignore in group chats).

Two days after that I was prepared to see if he had responded or not so I unblocked the messages and saw his initial reply as well as additional messages he sent the same day I unblocked the messages. They were in a different tone from the first asking about an injury I mentioned in our group chat and I replied in a polite/friendly tone not expecting further responses but he continued to ask about it once more which I gave another closed/polite reply to, without asking how he was in return.

I was thinking of tonight just asking how he was and telling him if he was back from overseas, there's a sale at this place we both like shopping at and leaving it at that so he knows that I'm not mad at him if that's what he's worried about. After that, I intend on letting him approach me in future if he wants but I'm prepared and okay with him not doing so if that's what he genuinely feels.

I still plan on putting focus on myself and my studies so it'll be easy for me to avoid seeing him/our group in person for at least a few weeks to give us both space. It might be strange since we both sort of bring our group together but it's just what I feel has to happen for now

A few days ago our friend asked in our group chat if anyone would like to meet at their house and I said I would get back to them on that. At the same time he saw and seemed interested by reacting to the message while seeing mine. He replied an hour later that he would also get back to our friend on that. It's possible he genuinely doesn't know if he can make it, but he could see my response as me not wanting to see him and waiting for his response but I already decided yesterday I wouldn't go regardless for other reasons.

I've also noticed he unliked that quote several days ago about removing people from your life for better people, but of course I wouldn't read too much into that (we follow the same account which is how I know).

The thing is it really seems like he likes you a lot though I can't know unless I actually met him irl but it really seems like he may like you more then a friend.

 

[souvenir]

The way you feel right now? This is going to be how you feel the entire time while you're still trying to connect and be friends with him. This won't change.

 

[neow]

Well it's hard to say. Some people are just naturally insufferable about this kind of stuff. Don't ever be afraid to get blunt with him when he starts heading down that path again. If you standing up for yourself and demanding respect ends your friendship then that's a good thing. It just means he's not meant to be a part of your life because he can't take ownership of himself and how own feelings and behaviour. I say proceed with caution with this dude. He sounds petty.

He replied as soon as he got home from work and it seemed friendly at first but then the 2nd half of the message was a little mixed/cold and thanked me for letting him know even though he already knew. I saw and replied when I woke up the next day that I also hoped he was enjoying his holiday and then said it was all good in a friendly tone.

He's been online throughout yesterday and today and read our group chat this morning. I didn't expect a response to my reply but he hasn't opened the message like he usually does either and has presumably read it from the notifications.

It's possible he's expecting a negative reaction from me or more messages from me but I've become tired of trying and only messaged him because I thought my replies to when he first messaged me seemed a bit too closed off even if they were polite/friendly. I thought his attempt at messaging me was to start reconciling but who knows now *shrugs*

So I'll leave it at that and hopefully he doesn't act too weird or actively try to isolate me from our friends (INFP male friend now only seems to message me just to tell me INFJ has asked them to meet somewhere but then will cancel last minute or say he's uncertain - possibly because he's preparing for the possibility I'll be invited or be around etc).

I'm not sure if he's trying to be helpful or if he likes stirring the pot so I aim to stop INFP from trying to bring him up from now on.

 

[neow]

The way you feel right now? This is going to be how you feel the entire time while you're still trying to connect and be friends with him. This won't change.

Yeah, I decided that after sending that message to him I would just leave it and let him act however he wants, I'm just confused by how he made an effort to message me at first even though he ended the dialogue pretty angrily and now that I've initiated, he's acting like this.

Whatever it is, I'm growing tired of it and have done all I can on my part so I no longer feel like there's something I could do that I haven't done. so it's on him now.

 

[neow]

The thing is it really seems like he likes you a lot though I can't know unless I actually met him irl but it really seems like he may like you more then a friend.

Before this all happened, I would have been quite certain about wanting to date him if he was interested but it's because of how his behaviour suddenly changed the way that it did, I became really unsure and eventually decided it would be a bad idea.

If he wanted more and was trying to hint it to me and felt I was rejecting him by saying I would try to understand him better as a friend (because that's what I thought he was referring to when he said "closer level of friendship"), he's made it even harder for me to ever consider him that way again with the way things went recently.