[INFJ] INFJ male doesn't want to be friends anymore and ignored messages. What should I do?

[SpecialEdition]

He replied as soon as he got home from work and it seemed friendly at first but then the 2nd half of the message was a little mixed/cold and thanked me for letting him know even though he already knew. I saw and replied when I woke up the next day that I also hoped he was enjoying his holiday and then said it was all good in a friendly tone.

He's been online throughout yesterday and today and read our group chat this morning. I didn't expect a response to my reply but he hasn't opened the message like he usually does either and has presumably read it from the notifications.

It's possible he's expecting a negative reaction from me or more messages from me but I've become tired of trying and only messaged him because I thought my replies to when he first messaged me seemed a bit too closed off even if they were polite/friendly. I thought his attempt at messaging me was to start reconciling but who knows now *shrugs*

So I'll leave it at that and hopefully he doesn't act too weird or actively try to isolate me from our friends (INFP male friend now only seems to message me just to tell me INFJ has asked them to meet somewhere but then will cancel last minute or say he's uncertain - possibly because he's preparing for the possibility I'll be invited or be around etc).

I'm not sure if he's trying to be helpful or if he likes stirring the pot so I aim to stop INFP from trying to bring him up from now on.

Yeah it sounds like it's time for you to wash your hands of the whole thing and move forward. It'll be up to him to make peace or come around. You can't make yourself insane playing this guessing game or trying to modify your behaviour and words. No one wants to walk on eggshells like that. It's toxic.

 

[neow]

An update on how things turned out weeks later if anyone cares to know :

TL;DR (ish): He and I were very awkward and he was timid for a while but things went a lot better than I expected and currently things are roughly how they used to be and I know from actions and words we both still care about each other. He's occasionally made references (especially the first 3 weeks) which implied that he's reflected on what's happened.

He's now weird and awkward at times (it doesn't help that I'm sometimes awkward as well) and sometimes avoids me after periods of hanging around me.

For some reason our INFP friend who was involved strongly insists he might still be holding a grudge but I feel the awkwardness is for a different reason? (I get a lot of "gut" feelings that tend to be right but I don't really act on them and try to wait out for more "concrete" evidence).

Thanks to everyone who gave me advice during this whole mess! Getting different perspectives was really helpful and I appreciate it

The details:

When we first saw each other again at uni it was painfully awkward yet at times not awkward (from both of us) for 2-3 weeks but overall we were friendly to each other while he would also be fairly timid at times and he would offering his help for even really unnecessary small things which made it hard for me to keep an emotional distance from him like I planned because his nervousness while doing so showed me it was genuine (rather than just being nice for the sake of civility).

After over a month we currently interact mostly how we used to (joking around/teasing) with some awkwardness but what's new compared to before what happened is that sometimes it seems like he'll be very physically close to me (sitting nearby/standing very close) but other times it seems like he makes an active effort to avoid me by walking ahead or sitting away during lectures and talking to other people and waiting for me to approach him.

He seems to make a lot of comments in group and individual (mainly just between us) conversations sometimes which could be either taken as general statements but it also seems like things that might be relating to what happened between us such as "we've been through a lot", "I'm lucky to have you all despite how I am" and things about lacking in maturity and confidence (comparing himself to people in our degree).

Currently I know he's been doubting himself, (which I relate to a lot because that was me not long ago and still ongoing) but he hasn't been taking it out on anyone and I'm glad he's at least starting to talk about it (although I know this isn't a sign he wouldn't be passive-aggressive about anything regarding me if anything in future was to frustrate him).

He recently just word vomited one day that relationships are in reality not like they are portrayed in media where things "just happen and work out magically" and repeating himself after some silence when another girl who had joined us said it sounded like he had his heart broken before (I face-palmed internally but I wasn't surprised he had thought that way ).

He sometimes brings up relationships or love in the context of people we know which in the past would begin a discussion between us about what we think about relationships or those people but I find myself feeling reluctant to give an opinion or not saying too much because it feels awkward to me so those conversations sometimes just die as a result

 

[Professor Snep]

An update on how things turned out weeks later if anyone cares to know :

TL;DR (ish): He and I were very awkward and he was timid for a while but things went a lot better than I expected and currently things are roughly how they used to be and I know from actions and words we both still care about each other. He's occasionally made references (especially the first 3 weeks) which implied that he's reflected on what's happened.

He's now weird and awkward at times (it doesn't help that I'm sometimes awkward as well) and sometimes avoids me after periods of hanging around me.

For some reason our INFP friend who was involved strongly insists he might still be holding a grudge but I feel the awkwardness is for a different reason? (I get a lot of "gut" feelings that tend to be right but I don't really act on them and try to wait out for more "concrete" evidence).

Thanks to everyone who gave me advice during this whole mess! Getting different perspectives was really helpful and I appreciate it

The details:

When we first saw each other again at uni it was painfully awkward yet at times not awkward (from both of us) for 2-3 weeks but overall we were friendly to each other while he would also be fairly timid at times and he would offering his help for even really unnecessary small things which made it hard for me to keep an emotional distance from him like I planned because his nervousness while doing so showed me it was genuine (rather than just being nice for the sake of civility).

After over a month we currently interact mostly how we used to (joking around/teasing) with some awkwardness but what's new compared to before what happened is that sometimes it seems like he'll be very physically close to me (sitting nearby/standing very close) but other times it seems like he makes an active effort to avoid me by walking ahead or sitting away during lectures and talking to other people and waiting for me to approach him.

He seems to make a lot of comments in group and individual (mainly just between us) conversations sometimes which could be either taken as general statements but it also seems like things that might be relating to what happened between us such as "we've been through a lot", "I'm lucky to have you all despite how I am" and things about lacking in maturity and confidence (comparing himself to people in our degree).

Currently I know he's been doubting himself, (which I relate to a lot because that was me not long ago and still ongoing) but he hasn't been taking it out on anyone and I'm glad he's at least starting to talk about it (although I know this isn't a sign he wouldn't be passive-aggressive about anything regarding me if anything in future was to frustrate him).

He recently just word vomited one day that relationships are in reality not like they are portrayed in media where things "just happen and work out magically" and repeating himself after some silence when another girl who had joined us said it sounded like he had his heart broken before (I face-palmed internally but I wasn't surprised he had thought that way ).

He sometimes brings up relationships or love in the context of people we know which in the past would begin a discussion between us about what we think about relationships or those people but I find myself feeling reluctant to give an opinion or not saying too much because it feels awkward to me so those conversations sometimes just die as a result

Give it some time, any tensions present might dissipate. From what you write it appears you guys both are trying to put an effort to it :wyotethumb:

 

[neow]

Give it some time, any tensions present might dissipate. From what you write it appears you guys both are trying to put an effort to it :wyotethumb:

That's true, the way things are now is significantly better than I (and people I confided in) expected things to turn out (since the best I initially expected from him was to be civil but cold) so I'm very relieved that we're still genuinely friends and mutually care about each other.

It's reassuring to know we're both trying Recently he asked me if I thought he was being "too mean" because he had teased me continuously in front of people we didn't know well (things that I thought were harmless) and seemed concerned he may have come off the wrong way.

For my part, I've been trying to not unintentionally shut him down or sarcastically deflect when he says potentially flirtatious things (which I'm sure was part of the frustration) so that I don't hurt his feelings. It's hard since I'm really used to hiding how I feel with either humour or closing myself off unintentionally

 

[infinite dreams]

For my part, I've been trying to not unintentionally shut him down or sarcastically deflect when he says potentially flirtatious things (which I'm sure was part of the frustration) so that I don't hurt his feelings. It's hard since I'm really used to hiding how I feel with either humour or closing myself off unintentionally

That's good. Try to deal as openly and honestly with him as you can.

While INFJs are the masters of drawing specific conclusions from reams of social data, they aren't especially adept at picking up on subtle hints, especially not in the moment. If you're not direct enough with them they will default to analyzing everything you do and say, searching for hidden symbols and meanings that can be easily misinterpreted.

 

[neow]

That's good. Try to deal as openly and honestly with him as you can.

While INFJs are the masters of drawing specific conclusions from reams of social data, they aren't especially adept at picking up on subtle hints, especially not in the moment. If you're not direct enough with them they will default to analyzing everything you do and say, searching for hidden symbols and meanings that can be easily misinterpreted.

I'll do my best to remember that, especially when he now sometimes suddenly withdraws a little after being warm/attentive (he used to not do that before so it throws me off and makes me feel like I need to give him space as a result). He does seem to over-analyze things sometimes and I've seen him half-jokingly exaggerate possible situations/explanations for people acting a certain way

Thank you for your insight ^_^

 

[Jonah Caan]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation Neow.

All the following is simply my opinion, being an INFJ guy and based upon my own experiences. We're all unique and of course anything I write does not mean that your INFJ friend is the same.

I agree with Highlighter; I think he has door-slammed you. He couldn't door-slam you completely because of the shared friends/uni classes and so on. So I think he has resorted to shutting you out emotionally. If he has indeed done this to you then it is likely that he did have feelings for you, because this is normally done to prevent any further hurt to one's self/heart.

INFJs normally only go into relationships if they think them to be 'life-long', whether romantic or true friendship. I think that he initially took the steps to see if he could be in a long term relationship with you and then found that he cannot. This is no fault of your own; he will have some of his own core values and so on and probably felt like you did not align up to them. Also, INFJs are dreamers and tend to put people on a pedestal; maybe after all this time he saw the real you and there was something he did not like. Once again, this is a problem within him if it's true; you are definitely not to blame for this.

He seems to be very immature and an unhealthy INFJ. But then again, he's still very young and I guess that's what out 20s are for - making mistakes and painfully learning/growing from them. it seems that he takes criticism to heart very quickly and is completely unable to face conflict. I'm in my 30s now and only just realising how important it is to deal with conflict for any relationship to last. I've realised I'm actually getting passive-aggressive with the person I am in a similar position with atm.

Like others have pointed out, there definitely were a lot of red flags in regards to this guy and I think you've just been spared from trouble and heartbreak. But I get it that you want to have that friendship with him; I'm in a similar position with someone at the moment.

However, it's clear that you have done all you can to keep the gates of friendship open to him. It seems like he has already made his decision though.

One thing that enables me to let someone back into my life is when I know that they have changed and will not hurt me again. He picked up on his distaste for your humour (which you agreed on), but I cannot see how this on it's own is a rational basis for cutting someone out of your life and he has no right to change you in that way anyway.

I know one thing that can definitely help in this situation; time. Give him and yourself some time. I know how hard that can be when the overthinking kicks in; we start looking for answers. Just take a step back, focus on yourself and give him some space too; INFJs love and need their space. It will give you clarity and a clearer perspective too when the time allows you to look at the situation more holistically.

Having read-back what I wrote I don't think it would help you much, but I wish you all the best and hope you two work this out and can be friends again going forward.

 

[ClevelandINTP]

This dude is weak sauce, but I get it

If you like him, then just say what you feel.

“Hey, you’ve been on my mind, and you mean a lot to me. I wish we could connect more. Can we talk about the elephant in the room?”