INFJs and feeling like you'll never find love

[bamf]

Sigh, I agree on the confidence thing,

but for me, it is not a simple function formula: input x to recieve y. Sorry.

christina(focusing on positive) =/= instant confidence.

It's just really not that simple. I wish it were. I have decent self-esteem but low confidence, if that is possible.

I like myself but I doubt myself. Maybe that's not possible either.

I don't believe a person can necessarily offer validation but that doesn't mean I won't seek it. I really don't try to put to much stock in those things. Realistically, though, achieving that level of comfort inside my own skin is highly unlikely. I almost fear having confidence, although I don't know why. I fear a lot of things.

I hope I didn't make it sound like confidence is necessarily an easy thing to grasp/attain. That really wasn't what I was going for. Rather that confidence (perhaps it is just self-esteem) is generally an attractive quality to most people and to obtain it you have to really believe in your own possibility (which being said is no easy task).

You can ever easily like yourself (hell even love yourself) and not believe in your ability to fall in love. But because you believe that there is something about you that is prohibiting you from finding love, you might not find love because of the fact that you are holding yourself back. You don't necessarily have to be comfortable in your own skin to believe that you deserve the love you desire and that you will find the love you desire. You have to believe you deserve the love to attain it. If you don't believe that, you'll dismiss it even if you find it.

It might be a hard hurdle to clear to believe that you are deserving of love or that you will find love, but in my opinion it's one you have to clear to have a clear shot at finding it. The confidence in yourself won't come instantly, you have walls built up inside yourself telling you you can't get what ever it is you're searching for. You have to take the walls down, go over them, around them; you have to do what ever it takes to make yourself believe in your self worth (that is the your self worth of finding love). It can all begin by reassuring yourself that you will. You don't have to believe it at first, but if you keep telling yourself that you will (and push the negative thoughts aside) you will eventually believe it.

Granted, you don't have to do any of that. It's a lot of work and who's to say it's the right way or that you even have to find love. You can try it half-heartedly and never get to the point of believing it, and you might not find the love. However, I believe that if you can see that you deserve the love you want, that you actually believe that you are entitled to the feelings/relationship you desire, you will someday find what you're looking for. The slightest bit of doubt in your self confidence/self worth could rebuild the walls you're trying to desconstruct.


Holy jebus that's a lot of rambling...possibly all incoherrent.

 

[TSB]

Hey

You explained it just right. I want to be understood fully! I want that always!! I am new to this site and I forget that I am speaking with someone who has the same emotions. I agree, I want someone to know who I am.

I don't know if anyone has ever felt like this before - but I find myself there a lot. It seems like there's a couple of things working against me:

- general hermit douchebaggery
- I'm afraid/unable to express what I really want - usually because I'm afraid of losing a good friend
- when I do get into the beginning stages of a relationship, I quickly get critical of the person, thinking, "wait... this isn't what I imagined".. I once sabotaged a relationship this way.
- I've got an insatiable desire to be understood fully, accepted non-conditionally, and appreciated deeply. I have never met anyone that has been able to do more than 1 of these things
- thinking like this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy
- I'm short

I'm just curious if anyone else out there sometimes (not all the time) feels hopeless about finding love. That somehow whatever it is that makes you you also dealt you the suckiest hand life could ever offer you in the game of love.

It's not fair!!

 

[youhemmein]

I agree with mf.

Also, don't forget that your life should not be all about falling in love, so to speak. I don't mean not to love others, because that's next-to-impossible for us. But don't get so focused on this romantic ideal that you forget to enjoy the other amazing things that make life so great. Being at one with nature, God, the universe, whatever you believe. Finding peace and balance. Feeling joy, and sorrow, and everything in-between. There is so much to feel and experience in these things too. You exist for more than just falling in love, as they say. Don't wish your life away in the pursuit of an oft-disappointing ideal. Enjoy everything between where you are and the realization of that ideal. You know that "when life gives you lemons" crap? My spin on that is: when life gives you lemons, learn to appreciate lemons until life gives you something else. You may find you really like lemons. Being alone is difficult for some people, but it's an opportunity to learn and grow.

I hope that makes a tiny bit of sense.

 

[GaiaGraha]

SH's words are truth. It's when you decide you don't give a shit, you'd rather do your own thing anyway--that you end up meeting someone amazing who fucks up all of your plans.

I actually kind think this is true. I have seen this happen for many people. On the other hand, I have had relationships that happened because I searched for someone and found them.
But I do think it is important to be your own person, and not be needy, and I think that helps someone want to be with you.

Wow - several years back I also used to think I was unlovable. I wonder if most/some/many INFJs feel like that at some point in their life.

I definitely have felt that way before, but not anymore. The more love I give, the more I receive.

I realize this is probably irrelevant at this juncture, but want to make my point anyway.

I don't understand why so many people are so focused on "finding love" as if it is the end-all and be-all of their existence. A couple thoughts. Take them how you will:

1) Finding "love" doesn't necessarily mean that it's going to work.
2) You don't suddenly reach a higher level of being because someone "loves" you, or vice versa.
3) You cannot depend on another person to make you feel complete. If you want to be in a relationship with another person, that person needs to be an extension of yourself, rather than the piece you feel you are missing.
4) If you cannot love yourself fully, then you cannot love others fully, and cannot fairly expect them to love you fully.
5) People consistently confuse the ideals of love and romance. Love is more than just the romantic parts of a relationship. When things get hard, or when the person you love is incapable of returning the love you feel you need or deserve, either by choice or by matter or circumstance, will you still love them? Romance is easy, real love is hard. But real love will still be there when the romance is over, and when things aren't how we expected them to be. I know I sound really idealistic, but I do have a bit of experience in this department.

That's my two cents. Take it or leave it.

ACTUALLY #4 is INCORRECT. Although this is a very popularized belief, it is false. It came from a misunderstanding of what a psychologist published. The truth is that one does not need to love oneself in order to love another, studies have shown this. In fact, we need someone to show us love before we are capable of loving ourselves (usually this would be our caretakers). However, loving oneself correlates with confidence, and people find these qualities attractive. So NO, you do NOT need to love yourself in order to love someone else, but when you love yourself, others are more likely to follow suit.

Listen, about this part, which I find the most important:
You can allow somebody to adapt to you enough to be able to do these 3 things. It will take time, it won't happen magically. And yes, it will require you to talk more openly about it, because reading minds is not yet reliable enough method, even for another INFJ.

I also think this is very important.
The way I make a relationship good is by training my significant other to fulfill my needs. I have always had really great results, but sometimes I realize that who they are as a person is just too different from what I want, as training is only for tailoring, and so I move on to another.
hehe
The point is that people can learn about each other and learn to fit together better, as long as they both are invested, it works out. No body is PERFECT, but some people can come close.
And HEY! We INFJs are too fucking rare and special- you know if you show that specialness that all those others are gonna flock to ya! hehe.


I suppose I am a lil giddy and silly at the moment, because...:
I actually JUST started a relationship with an ENFP boy who I am liking a lot! hehe. We are super compatible in a lot of ways. Even astrologically- he is a Capricorn and I am a Cancer- we are opposites, and therefore "complements" on the zodiac wheel, and so we go very well together.
And-- he even said I could dress him! Weee! My own ENFP sweetie dress-up boy-toy! hehe. (I hope it all works out!)

So...sorry if I am too peppy.
I wish dearly for all my beloved fellow INFJs to find a honey that will love you, understand you, and appreciate you! Cuz you all deserve it!

MUAH!!!

 

[youhemmein]

ACTUALLY #4 is INCORRECT. Although this is a very popularized belief, it is false. It came from a misunderstanding of what a psychologist published. The truth is that one does not need to love oneself in order to love another, studies have shown this. In fact, we need someone to show us love before we are capable of loving ourselves (usually this would be our caretakers). However, loving oneself correlates with confidence, and people find these qualities attractive. So NO, you do NOT need to love yourself in order to love someone else, but when you love yourself, others are more likely to follow suit.

Although you may believe that science can prove or disprove something as abstract as this, I have yet to meet anyone who is dying to be in a LOVING relationship with a person who does not love them self. I would like to know your source, though, if this is in fact a scientific study. Not to be argumentative, more because I'm extremely curious.

I'm really emphasizing the need to find completeness and value in oneself, and not in another person.

My therapist once explained it to me this way:
Imagine everyone has a love tank. It works like a gas tank. We are all born with an empty tank (or full, if one chooses to believe we are born with the innate ability and desire to love). By adulthood, some people have full love tanks, which is ideal for functioning in a loving relationship of any sort. Some people have half-full love tanks, due to whatever experiences they've had or not had, etc. You cannot combine two half-full love tanks and come up with two completely full love tanks. You also cannot combine one full love tank with a half-full love tank and come out with two full, and so forth. Both partners in a relationship, ideally, will have full tanks in order for the relationship to be successful. The full tank, however, is not a product of a dull life without any emotional struggle or damage. Because we cannot depend on others to keep our tank full, we must depend on self-love to fill what's still empty (or for those of us who are spiritual, whatever love comes with that spirituality).

I know this is a really cheesy metaphor, but it got the point across for me. The point being: one person cannot complete another person. If the person is complete, however, independently, and is in a relationship with an equally complete person, the relationship has a much greater chance of lasting.

This is not based on physical science, however, merely observation of relationships. And if you think about it, a staggering portion of people fit into the incomplete category because they don't know what they need to be complete, or they constantly feel they need more. Contentment with oneself and one's place is key here. But instead of finding balance, peace, and contentment within their own lives and surroundings, they look for it in other people. Everybody thinks somebody else either is or has the answer for which they're searching. I might even be so bold as to say that this is a big contributor to the percentage of marriages that fail. Broken down far enough, to his and my issues, I can contribute the failure of my own marriage to "empty love tanks," as a result of both his and my childhood and adolescent years.

Anyway, those are my thoughts and opinions. I look forward to hearing about these studies. I will gladly admit if I am wrong. It wouldn't be the very first time. Maybe the second or third, though.

Be well.

 

[GaiaGraha]

Although you may believe that science can prove or disprove something as abstract as this, I have yet to meet anyone who is dying to be in a LOVING relationship with a person who does not love them self. I would like to know your source, though, if this is in fact a scientific study. Not to be argumentative, more because I'm extremely curious.

I'm really emphasizing the need to find completeness and value in oneself, and not in another person.

My therapist once explained it to me this way:
Imagine everyone has a love tank. It works like a gas tank. We are all born with an empty tank (or full, if one chooses to believe we are born with the innate ability and desire to love). By adulthood, some people have full love tanks, which is ideal for functioning in a loving relationship of any sort. Some people have half-full love tanks, due to whatever experiences they've had or not had, etc. You cannot combine two half-full love tanks and come up with two completely full love tanks. You also cannot combine one full love tank with a half-full love tank and come out with two full, and so forth. Both partners in a relationship, ideally, will have full tanks in order for the relationship to be successful. The full tank, however, is not a product of a dull life without any emotional struggle or damage. Because we cannot depend on others to keep our tank full, we must depend on self-love to fill what's still empty (or for those of us who are spiritual, whatever love comes with that spirituality).

I know this is a really cheesy metaphor, but it got the point across for me. The point being: one person cannot complete another person. If the person is complete, however, independently, and is in a relationship with an equally complete person, the relationship has a much greater chance of lasting.

This is not based on physical science, however, merely observation of relationships. And if you think about it, a staggering portion of people fit into the incomplete category because they don't know what they need to be complete, or they constantly feel they need more. Contentment with oneself and one's place is key here. But instead of finding balance, peace, and contentment within their own lives and surroundings, they look for it in other people. Everybody thinks somebody else either is or has the answer for which they're searching. I might even be so bold as to say that this is a big contributor to the percentage of marriages that fail. Broken down far enough, to his and my issues, I can contribute the failure of my own marriage to "empty love tanks," as a result of both his and my childhood and adolescent years.

Anyway, those are my thoughts and opinions. I look forward to hearing about these studies. I will gladly admit if I am wrong. It wouldn't be the very first time. Maybe the second or third, though.

Be well.

All I am stating it the facts: it is possible to love someone who does not love his or herself, and it is possible to love someone when you do not love yourself.
I do admit, however, and never stated otherwise, that it is better for a relationship when each person is "complete".
When someone is not "complete" or content with themselves and they search outwardly for reasons to be content then they will be needy, and in a relationship they will be dependent.
If both people are not "complete" (etc) then this constitutes a codependent relationship. This one is probably more common, because those few people who are "complete" know that they want someone who is "complete" as well.
But, if what you say is so (and I think it is) and most people are not "complete" (without a "full tank of love") then MOST people would not be in relationships if it were impossible for those people to give and receive love. But many of those people are in relationships, and they do love, it is just not as 'healthy'.
After all, studies have also shown that in most successful marriages the two people are individuals with their own lives and friends.

I think though that there are levels of "completeness", and that people can grow while in a relationship, and can become more (or less) complete.

Anywho, all of this does not change that it is sound advice to love yourself, because it will bring you more relationships and make them healthier ones. I just needed to state, as you said, the "science" of it.

lol

 

[youhemmein]

Sounds like good middle-ground to me.

 

[vanka]

Something to consider?

Hi, I just wanted to say something:

Don't let your ideas of what love should be get in the way of experiencing it for yourself.

 

[Gaze]

Hi, I just wanted to say something:

Don't let your ideas of what love should be get in the way of experiencing it for yourself.

I agree. Love is not always perfect, but yet we find love.

 

[v.shadow]

Or jump on you.

in which universe??

I don't want to make it sound like I'm singling you out because I'm really not trying to. I'm just trying to offer my opinion if you want to hear it (if you don't...don't read ahead).

1. Who cares that you're 17 and never had a boyfriend? Most people (that I know of) don't judge the relationship potential over the other person's experience. If they do, it's a pretty superficial judgment (imo) and not someone I'd want to be in a relationship with and I doubt you would either.

2. I get the feeling that you're looking for a deep relationship with a long term possibility (so am I, and I think many of us here are) so naturally it's going to be harder to find someone because you aren't just looking for anybody. It's going to take time but it's well worth it. Why waste your time and the heartache on people you know you're not going to stay with?

3. You talk like you're some shriveled up old maid. You're 17! You've got at least 33 years before you're even near the old maid category (or at least there's where I start it in my mind). You've got plenty of time to find whoever/whatever it is you are looking for. Giving up is easy but you'll kick yourself in 34 years if you decide today that you're never going to find love.

4. And by deciding you aren't going to find love is a 100% surefire way not to find love. Even if love finds you, if you've closed yourself off to it, you're going to miss it. The key to love is confidence (and I know that's way easier said than done) but ultimately it's up to you the way you view your potential love life. If you start telling yourself that you'll someday find what you're looking for, you'll start to believe it. And once you believe it, I can promise you that you'll find it. Confidence attracts affection. If you can love yourself, people are bound to love you.

well, I don't know. I guess I can blame every person that have lowered my self steem to this point, but I'm also aware that this isn't a good excuse. I know I can have more self confidence, but because of the way I am I need a little help from the people around me. sad, I know, but right know I think I can't help it.

I hope I didn't make it sound like confidence is necessarily an easy thing to grasp/attain. That really wasn't what I was going for. Rather that confidence (perhaps it is just self-esteem) is generally an attractive quality to most people and to obtain it you have to really believe in your own possibility (which being said is no easy task).

You can ever easily like yourself (hell even love yourself) and not believe in your ability to fall in love. But because you believe that there is something about you that is prohibiting you from finding love, you might not find love because of the fact that you are holding yourself back. You don't necessarily have to be comfortable in your own skin to believe that you deserve the love you desire and that you will find the love you desire. You have to believe you deserve the love to attain it. If you don't believe that, you'll dismiss it even if you find it.

It might be a hard hurdle to clear to believe that you are deserving of love or that you will find love, but in my opinion it's one you have to clear to have a clear shot at finding it. The confidence in yourself won't come instantly, you have walls built up inside yourself telling you you can't get what ever it is you're searching for. You have to take the walls down, go over them, around them; you have to do what ever it takes to make yourself believe in your self worth (that is the your self worth of finding love). It can all begin by reassuring yourself that you will. You don't have to believe it at first, but if you keep telling yourself that you will (and push the negative thoughts aside) you will eventually believe it.

Granted, you don't have to do any of that. It's a lot of work and who's to say it's the right way or that you even have to find love. You can try it half-heartedly and never get to the point of believing it, and you might not find the love. However, I believe that if you can see that you deserve the love you want, that you actually believe that you are entitled to the feelings/relationship you desire, you will someday find what you're looking for. The slightest bit of doubt in your self confidence/self worth could rebuild the walls you're trying to desconstruct.


Holy jebus that's a lot of rambling...possibly all incoherrent.

and thanks for this

 

[transcendentalethos]

*yawn*

 

[Feelings]

Er.... I thought it'd be obvious? I'm INtJ and I seek an INFJ period. ENFP is 2nd choice but it's really not good enough.

For an INFJ, I think good matches are INFP, ENFJ, and balanced INtJ's like me Even after you account for the fact that maybe only half or a quarter of the aforementioned types appeal to you, it's still a pretty good %.

For me, I did the stats on potential matches for me:
I live in a city of approximately 600,000 people.
INFJ's consist of 1%.
The INFJ's that I would consider suitable are max 40%.
Age range being 18 to 32, 18%.
Females (let's assume all are straight or bi) 50%.

There's only .036% who are my "soulmate". Even in the large city that I live in, There's only 216 of them running around. Then there's the odds that I'll A. Run into one, and B. Subsequently get in close enough to befriend her. The stats are hurt for me, but you INFJ's generally have it much better.

 

[water]

I have been reading so much lately about the "emptiness/lack" of love relationships in the INFJ's. Being a little older and able to reflect on this area, I believe that it is a self-imposed ideal.

INFJ's seem to "crave perfection"... we believe that we have a good idea what is looks like and when it comes to our personal relationships -we settle for nothing less. (Creates a pattern of trying to change the existing relationship or looking elsewhere.)

I have learned that there is "no perfect"... there is only people. And I had better start learning to accept them the way they are. Perfection had me looking at what was missing - Accepting had me looking at what was enjoyable in that other person, and learning to hold on to that.

As an Infj, I am always drawn to "intelligence, confidence and non-wavering." Those are the things I find most attractive. When my husband, acts... only human --- I focus my attention on those times when he was that ideal "intelligent, confident and non-wavering" like when he is working on one of our automobiles... in those times, the man is a genius, confident and alluring! - It gets me through it.

I just had to change my focus around. It worked rather well... the marriage has remained for almost 17 years now, and was worth the effort.

Me - INFJ Him - ISTP

 

[Matthew]

Well its a relief to learn im not the only one who feels destined to be alone. But i do have to say that after years of failing im starting to believe it more by the day. It seems like i have the same mentality as many of you, i know shes out there just really doubt il ever find her.

I dont really know what my problem is, im too quite, i have high standards, i wait too much, and alot of the time i just dont try because im afraid of failing. This has come from years of trying and failing with relationships. In fact, im still waiting for my first relationship. I dont know if il even be able to find that, let alone love.

So lately i have not been looking but instead waiting. I cant wait much longer.

 

[Billy]

I'm kind of starting to feel that I will never find love unfortunately.

I know the feeling, but you gotta remain hopeful!

 

[acd]

hmm yeah, I think I'll never find love. mostly because the experiences I've gone through have made me realize I'm just not wanted by anyone. Like a defective toy in a dusty corner. also because I really hate to disappoint people, which makes me scared of starting new relationships. so, because all of this and much more, I feel hopeless (heck, I'm nearly 18 years old and have never had a boyfriend! that should make 80% of the people my age back off immediately).

Hey V. Shadow,
when I was your age, I felt the same way. I was the only one of my friends who didn't date throughout my entire teenage years. When I did FINALLY go on a date (a blind date at 18) it was horrendous. Blind-date- douchebag took me to Wal*Mart to buy valentines gifts for his ex-girlfriend and then took me home to watch Blind Date on TV and beg for sex during the commericals. He literally evaluated my body the whole time and said things like, "Your stomach is flat enough."

So after pining away for at least one date, after this experience I totally withdrew from all hope of ever finding anyone who wasn't mortifying.

I'd go out with friends who brought boyfriends along and feel like some freakish frankenstein monster the whole time.

I was a late bloomer, 21 before I had my first actual relationship.

Don't get down on yourself about it. In due time, in due time... It's practically statistically impossible for you to never meet someone you click with. As for success of the clicking relationship, no guarantees there. Tread cautiously and enter in self-awareness.

 

[NeverAmI]

That's sorta what I'm trying to get at within this thread. Do some INFJs have such ridiculous standards because some of us are idealists who live in a fantasy word in our minds??

Lol. Thanks, I think.

Been single for 8 years...

My standards haven't changed, but I have tried to elevate myself to meet those standards.

 

[Blind Bandit]

Been single for 8 years...

My standards haven't changed, but I have tried to elevate myself to meet those standards.

You beat me I've been single for only 5 or so.

 

[NeverAmI]

Usually said by folks who always seem to be in relationships...groan...not true...and quite frankly insulting to those of us that are chronically relationship-less.

I think you need to realize that there is A LOT more in life than just romance/love. The fact that we read about it, watch it, observe it every day keeps beating the idea into our heads day after day that we HAVE to have it!

You have to take a step back, analyze yourself. Find something that makes you happy by yourself. You seriously need to find some solace by yourself and for yourself before you can ever find solace with someone else. They certainly aren't going to be able to do it for you! 99% of the time you will come out of the relationship disappointed.

I guarantee once you do this you will find women liking you a lot more.

 

[NeverAmI]

You beat me I've been single for only 5 or so.

What is your opinion of your experience? If you don't mind sharing.