INFJs and feeling like you'll never find love

[daydreamer]

I'm kind of starting to feel that I will never find love unfortunately.

 

[transcendentalethos]

Hear, hear... the other INFJ counterparts we need aren't ones to be sought out in the first place. The fates are damn cruel!!! We are clearly meant to be alone.

 

[Blind Bandit]

Hear, hear... the other INFJ counterparts we need aren't ones to be sought out in the first place. The fates are damn cruel!!! We are clearly meant to be alone.

I'm starting to think so.

I've been single for 5 plus years now. This joke isn't funny anymore folks.

 

[Raccoon Love]

Yes, I feel like this all the time..

Even though I'm a ''nice'' person, people are not interested in me, they find me boring. I suck at small talk, and have basically lived a solitary life all my life.with not a single friend, I think love chances are even more skimmer.

I don't drink, do drugs or do any sort of activities the ''popular'' crowd does now a days, instead I'm a calm pacifist that never does anything contributing to people in general avoiding me, It is said people are attracted to ''outgoing'' personalities after all, and I really do know being nice is not enough, but I have no social skills what so ever and I feel very awkward...

 

[youhemmein]

I realize this is probably irrelevant at this juncture, but want to make my point anyway.

I don't understand why so many people are so focused on "finding love" as if it is the end-all and be-all of their existence. A couple thoughts. Take them how you will:

1) Finding "love" doesn't necessarily mean that it's going to work.
2) You don't suddenly reach a higher level of being because someone "loves" you, or vice versa.
3) You cannot depend on another person to make you feel complete. If you want to be in a relationship with another person, that person needs to be an extension of yourself, rather than the piece you feel you are missing.
4) If you cannot love yourself fully, then you cannot love others fully, and cannot fairly expect them to love you fully.
5) People consistently confuse the ideals of love and romance. Love is more than just the romantic parts of a relationship. When things get hard, or when the person you love is incapable of returning the love you feel you need or deserve, either by choice or by matter or circumstance, will you still love them? Romance is easy, real love is hard. But real love will still be there when the romance is over, and when things aren't how we expected them to be. I know I sound really idealistic, but I do have a bit of experience in this department.

That's my two cents. Take it or leave it.

 

[daydreamer]

I realize this is probably irrelevant at this juncture, but want to make my point anyway.

I don't understand why so many people are so focused on "finding love" as if it is the end-all and be-all of their existence. A couple thoughts. Take them how you will:

1) Finding "love" doesn't necessarily mean that it's going to work.
2) You don't suddenly reach a higher level of being because someone "loves" you, or vice versa.
3) You cannot depend on another person to make you feel complete. If you want to be in a relationship with another person, that person needs to be an extension of yourself, rather than the piece you feel you are missing.
4) If you cannot love yourself fully, then you cannot love others fully, and cannot fairly expect them to love you fully.
5) People consistently confuse the ideals of love and romance. Love is more than just the romantic parts of a relationship. When things get hard, or when the person you love is incapable of returning the love you feel you need or deserve, either by choice or by matter or circumstance, will you still love them? Romance is easy, real love is hard. But real love will still be there when the romance is over, and when things aren't how we expected them to be. I know I sound really idealistic, but I do have a bit of experience in this department.

That's my two cents. Take it or leave it.

I find #4 very interesting. I notice that I don't really like myself that much. I usually keep beating myself up I have such low self-esteem

 

[youhemmein]

I find #4 very interesting. I notice that I don't really like myself that much. I usually keep beating myself up I have such low self-esteem

I had to find that out the hard way. You should try and learn to love yourself. I'm not talking about being narcissistic, rather just appreciating the uniqueness of you and what you have to offer the world.

 

[Raccoon Love]

I find #4 very interesting. I notice that I don't really like myself that much. I usually keep beating myself up I have such low self-esteem

same, I suffer from very low self-steem, always understimating myself, thinking I'm going to fail, etc etc..I guess I need to try to be more confident..

 

[midnightmelody]

I agree youhemmein,

but it seems unlikely that infjs could ever come to this level of self love, being the perfectionists of themselves and their expectations. Perhaps this is just me, but I can hardly ever find "closure" in anything. I feel as though so many things I would like to be solved just go unanswered. That's why I'm so stuck in the past half of the time (but this is another tangent).

I also believe that it is at least partly true that people percieve you the way ou percieve yourself. Some of us may have unmatched integrity in this world, but will never come to realize this.

Hence we seek the verification of this integrity in others, even though we should be out to complete ourselves.

 

[transcendentalethos]

I agree youhemmein,

but it seems unlikely that infjs could ever come to this level of self love, being the perfectionists of themselves and their expectations. Perhaps this is just me, but I can hardly ever find "closure" in anything. I feel as though so many things I would like to be solved just go unanswered. That's why I'm so stuck in the past half of the time (but this is another tangent).

I also believe that it is at least partly true that people percieve you the way ou percieve yourself. Some of us may have unmatched integrity in this world, but will never come to realize this.

Hence we seek the verification of this integrity in others, even though we should be out to complete ourselves.

Agreed.

 

[youhemmein]

I agree youhemmein,

but it seems unlikely that infjs could ever come to this level of self love, being the perfectionists of themselves and their expectations. Perhaps this is just me, but I can hardly ever find "closure" in anything. I feel as though so many things I would like to be solved just go unanswered. That's why I'm so stuck in the past half of the time (but this is another tangent).

I also believe that it is at least partly true that people percieve you the way ou percieve yourself. Some of us may have unmatched integrity in this world, but will never come to realize this.

Hence we seek the verification of this integrity in others, even though we should be out to complete ourselves.

I do understand this, because I do have low self-esteem. Sometimes worse than others. But I also know, and make a point to remind myself, that I have a lot to offer (the people around me, but not necessarily a romantic partner at this point). It helps to keep in mind how rare people like us are. Being in a relationship with someone when you don't love yourself isn't really fair to the other person. They don't get to see the complete picture. It's okay to have flaws, we all do. But it's also important not to focus on them too much. Another person can't validate you the way that you really need. And even if they could, what happens when that person changes their mind about you? What happens when they call you a name in a fit of rage? Do you believe what they say, because you don't have a sense of identity about yourself, or do you remind yourself that your worth is not found in that person? This is outside our nature, I know, but it can be done.

 

[bamf]

For people stuck in the past, the past shapes who you are but it's all up to you about who/what you will become.

And in all honesty, confidence attracts attention. If you have confidence in yourself and you have faith that you will find what it is you are looking for, chances are you'll find it (maybe not as soon as you want to) but chances are you'll find it.

Self confidence is key!

 

[sassafras]

I agree youhemmein,

but it seems unlikely that infjs could ever come to this level of self love, being the perfectionists of themselves and their expectations. Perhaps this is just me, but I can hardly ever find "closure" in anything. I feel as though so many things I would like to be solved just go unanswered. That's why I'm so stuck in the past half of the time (but this is another tangent).

Just want to say that it's no way just you, midnight. I definitely feel this way too. Like not even a detailed report with pie charts and diagrams, all lumped in with the right measure of emotional release would ever do it for me. Any time I look at the past, I find some new detail that sends me off on another tangent. It's like being perfect means covering all grounds, all possibilities; and that's only when I could take a breather.

It's pretty overwhelming. So if its especially eating away at me, I swing to the next extreme: block it out before I go nuts.

 

[AhSver]

i am easy to fall in love, however it takes time. i sacrifice, i live, i suffer, i love, i wait. when it fails i burrow deep inside and wait. and wait. until springs come and i see the life again, the precious life. during such moments i just want to be with this nature, not a human. and then a human and it's all about smell and eyes, and touches. an emotional roller-coaster.

 

[enfp can be shy]

- thinking like this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy

I'm gonna eat your head off.

It's not fair!!

Yes, it's not! I'm eating your head!


No.... no ... no.... how can INFJs be so stupid sometimes. Of course you'll never find love, if you always reject it!

Listen, about this part, which I find the most important:

- I've got an insatiable desire to be understood fully, accepted non-conditionally, and appreciated deeply. I have never met anyone that has been able to do more than 1 of these things

You can allow somebody to adapt to you enough to be able to do these 3 things. It will take time, it won't happen magically. And yes, it will require you to talk more openly about it, because reading minds is not yet reliable enough method, even for another INFJ.

 

[Billy]

I know I will find the right woman, in fact I had her and in the glaze of depravity i was going through tossed her away.Thats been a bitter pill to swallow. But I try to look at dating less like a market and such. I just do me, I do my style, I do it my way and I plant a flag down and say, this is me, come have a look, examine me, if I am what you like then we can talk and see if its mutual. And it seems to be working out pretty good. I am still working on learning to be a social butterfly, but so far I think I am doin a good job.

I used to fear that I would never meet the right woman, that I would end up settled down with someone I didn't ultimately care for. And I bounced from 1 shitty relationship to another until i came to terms with being single.

Now I feel less pressure, I still want the elusive Misses Right, but I have a lot of preparing to do until I can get there. If I find her tomorrow what do I have to offer her aside from my heart? Not much. My heart is a great prize on its own, but it doesn't feed us. So I replaced the pressure of being alone with the pressure of a ticking clock. I know I want to have children in my mid to late 30s and I am 28 now, so I have a few years to find this girl. In the mean time I work hard, on my body, on my career, on my life, to get it to the point it needs to be at to offer something real to a relationship. Because I will be motherfu**in damned if I am going to be in a shitty marriage arguing about money all the time. Seen enough of that, I intend to do this right.

 

[v.shadow]

hmm yeah, I think I'll never find love. mostly because the experiences I've gone through have made me realize I'm just not wanted by anyone. Like a defective toy in a dusty corner. also because I really hate to disappoint people, which makes me scared of starting new relationships. so, because all of this and much more, I feel hopeless (heck, I'm nearly 18 years old and have never had a boyfriend! that should make 80% of the people my age back off immediately).

 

[Orion]

so, because all of this and much more, I feel hopeless (heck, I'm nearly 18 years old and have never had a boyfriend! that should make 80% of the people my age back off immediately).

Or jump on you.

 

[bamf]

hmm yeah, I think I'll never find love. mostly because the experiences I've gone through have made me realize I'm just not wanted by anyone. Like a defective toy in a dusty corner. also because I really hate to disappoint people, which makes me scared of starting new relationships. so, because all of this and much more, I feel hopeless (heck, I'm already 17 years old and have never had a boyfriend! that should make 80% of the people my age back off immediately).

I don't want to make it sound like I'm singling you out because I'm really not trying to. I'm just trying to offer my opinion if you want to hear it (if you don't...don't read ahead).



1. Who cares that you're 17 and never had a boyfriend? Most people (that I know of) don't judge the relationship potential over the other person's experience. If they do, it's a pretty superficial judgment (imo) and not someone I'd want to be in a relationship with and I doubt you would either.

2. I get the feeling that you're looking for a deep relationship with a long term possibility (so am I, and I think many of us here are) so naturally it's going to be harder to find someone because you aren't just looking for anybody. It's going to take time but it's well worth it. Why waste your time and the heartache on people you know you're not going to stay with?

3. You talk like you're some shriveled up old maid. You're 17! You've got at least 33 years before you're even near the old maid category (or at least there's where I start it in my mind). You've got plenty of time to find whoever/whatever it is you are looking for. Giving up is easy but you'll kick yourself in 34 years if you decide today that you're never going to find love.

4. And by deciding you aren't going to find love is a 100% surefire way not to find love. Even if love finds you, if you've closed yourself off to it, you're going to miss it. The key to love is confidence (and I know that's way easier said than done) but ultimately it's up to you the way you view your potential love life. If you start telling yourself that you'll someday find what you're looking for, you'll start to believe it. And once you believe it, I can promise you that you'll find it. Confidence attracts affection. If you can love yourself, people are bound to love you.

 

[midnightmelody]

Sigh, I agree on the confidence thing,

but for me, it is not a simple function formula: input x to recieve y. Sorry.

christina(focusing on positive) =/= instant confidence.

It's just really not that simple. I wish it were. I have decent self-esteem but low confidence, if that is possible.

I like myself but I doubt myself. Maybe that's not possible either.

I don't believe a person can necessarily offer validation but that doesn't mean I won't seek it. I really don't try to put to much stock in those things. Realistically, though, achieving that level of comfort inside my own skin is highly unlikely. I almost fear having confidence, although I don't know why. I fear a lot of things.