INFJs and feeling like you'll never find love

[sassafras]

Yes, you have. Who the hell are you to tell me how I should feel? And how I should express that feeling? You are not me. You have no right to advise me. You haven't lived my life. So I refuse to have some random person tell me how I should feel with their ill-informed pollyannaism.

*shrug* Being an open forum, those were my honest observations. I can only apologize for having offended you; it was not my intention.

 

[sedna]

i haven't found the right balance between intimacy and personal space. my commitment, in the other person's view, fades away because of this as it can easily be taken for disinterest or aloofness. i don't think i push them away so much as i withdraw.

i can be extremely interested and emotionally attached to someone and not express it outwardly. i think it's because i don't believe in romantic love anymore and so don't want to buy into my own feelings which i, through past experience, have deemed ultimately groundless. yes, it saves me pain and drama...but somehow i know that relationships need to pass the romantic stage before it settles into true commited love.

at present, i know i do love...i just don't know how to believe in its genuineness when given to me by someone else. i'm afraid of losing myself in a role based on romance and getting caught in my own mindtraps.

Rainrise, I could have written this myself! Space is so important to me. I easily feel smothered by others. I think that's why I spend 90% of time alone. If I ever got married, my husband would have to live elsewhere if the romance is expected to last. On the rare occasion folks visit me, they know they have a two-hour window before I turn into Mr. Hyde.

I spent most of my life never expressing romantic interest...just waiting for magic to materialize...ESPECIALLY if I liked the person. It's only recently I actually tell the guy I like them...BOLDLY too. I've wasted so many years of my life sitting on eggs that don't hatch. I don't ever want to be in that position again.

It's so easy for romantic-minded INFJs to get lost in the idea of love, then turn around many, many years later to realize the real thing has eluded them. Obviously, my romantic life is not perfect, but I've improved. It's a process. And might I add, it's liberating to be rejected...because you don't have to invest anymore emotional energy into someone who doesn't care for you.

That sweet-suffering I enjoyed when I was younger just isn't satisfying anymore. I definitely want something real, so I'm totally not interested in operating the way that's inherently comfortable for me. As I said...it's a process.

 

[sedna]

But it'd be nice to meet someone someday who just wanted to have exclusive adventures with me, who didn't need constant nurturing and praise. In the meantime, I'll just have adventures on my own.

Ditto.

 

[sedna]

Does this mean I'm lucky to have found an INFJ non-gay male?

very lucky!

 

[gloomy-optimist]

I'd actually be able to join that club.


And Gays are cool.

I'd agree! I like my gays

 

[Tamagochi]

You have this idea that I don't accept myself as is...and that when I do...then OF COURSE, I'll find love. How insulting. I've done a lot of work on myself. I absolutely do accept myself, warts and all. So your theory is false.

Then you're making the assumption that people in relationships are perfectly accepting of themselves, and OF COURSE that's why they have been rewarded with love.

What utter bullshit.

That's not what I meant. And I have no preconceived ideas about you - I can only guess on how you feel.

If you don't like the advice you're getting you can just say "it doesn't apply to me" or "been there, tried that and it didn't work" or "I don't need an advice". Throwing words like "bullshit" at people will just discourage them from even trying to help you.

 

[Satya]

Rainrise, I could have written this myself! Space is so important to me. I easily feel smothered by others. I think that's why I spend 90% of time alone. If I ever got married, my husband would have to live elsewhere if the romance is expected to last. On the rare occasion folks visit me, they know they have a two-hour window before I turn into Mr. Hyde.

I spent most of my life never expressing romantic interest...just waiting for magic to materialize...ESPECIALLY if I liked the person. It's only recently I actually tell the guy I like them...BOLDLY too. I've wasted so many years of my life sitting on eggs that don't hatch. I don't ever want to be in that position again.

It's so easy for romantic-minded INFJs to get lost in the idea of love, then turn around many, many years later to realize the real thing has eluded them. Obviously, my romantic life is not perfect, but I've improved. It's a process. And might I add, it's liberating to be rejected...because you don't have to invest anymore emotional energy into someone who doesn't care for you.

That sweet-suffering I enjoyed when I was younger just isn't satisfying anymore. I definitely want something real, so I'm totally not interested in operating the way that's inherently comfortable for me. As I said...it's a process.

Finally someone says it.

 

[Jayce]

I use to feel like I'd never find love but I try to be more hopeful about it these days. I was fortunate enough to have someone like me mutually once so that means it's possible that it'll happen again...right?

Even though I try to keep a positive outlook I do become discouraged every so often. In regards to finding someone, I feel like the odds are stacked against me. First of all, I'm gay so it's hard just finding potential matches. Second of all, the "nice type" just doesn't seem to be popular with girls I've met. They prefer hook ups and heart breakers. They value their friendship with me but they never want to take it further than that. Combine all that with my unusually high standards and finding someone because pretty unlikely.

...But what can ya do, eh? Just gotta keep hoping (or lower my standards possibly). I like to think that while I'm not popular with girls now (rowdy, college aged ones) I will be later when they start looking for a steady relationship. Stay positive everyone. I'm rooting for you!

 

[arbygil]

Hmmm...

We don't need all the hububs, bubs!

That being said...sedna, I'm also in my 40s and in that "never been married" bracket, but it's not a huge deal to me. It would be nice if it happened but it's not my focal point - no, I'm not you, and I'm not saying you've made it your focal point and I don't think anyone is accusing you of doing so on this forum...and only you know what's best for you. But in the same way that you're upset with the advice given, being pessimistic towards others' ideas of love and others' successes isn't the way to respond, either. Yes, some are quite young and idealistic. Some are in and out of relationships. Some are cynical about love. But that's what makes us human and unique.

I sympathize with you, I really do. And I hope you find the person who makes you happy in the way you desire. For myself, I thought I found that person but it didn't work out - and now, years later, I can honestly say I'm glad it didn't because I'd be so unhappy right now. I'm very glad where I am. I think I'd be happier if I stayed away from the internet more and published more! Lol! But I feel good. I feel whole. I feel safe and comforted. If someone came into my life now I know I'd have the maturity to accept him, but I'm not sure if I'd want to. *Shrugs.*

 

[Azure_Knight]

To answer the op, finding love has been something that I have given much thought to (both in the past and now). After much consideration, I decided that financial stability (and independence) were more important to me than finding someone at this point in time. In the meantime, I have found that having great friends to be more important to me than finding 'the one'. It can be difficult (I fully agree with what others have expressed about a hole or a need not being met), but it's just a part of life. I continue to try to be a complete person through self-improvement and friendships. If you can't find that person right away, it might be beneficial to use that time and energy towards things that will build you up. Worrying about not finding 'the one' will only wear you out... you have to do something constructive with it.

 

[Faye]

As much as I want a relationship, I would rather not be in a relationship than be in a bad one. It is nice not having to try to meet someone's expectations.

I feel two things. First, I feel like I don't have the skills necessary to handle a relationship. Of course, these are skills that one has to practice, and the problem is that I haven't practiced very much. Most of my friends are in relationships, and the vast majority of them are not virgins; it seems like I am really far behind, and now I'm afraid that I'll end up alone.
The other thing is that I feel deprived. Obviously, that isn't an issue at this age, but it might become an issue later.

Ugg people suck.

 

[Jayce]

I feel two things. First, I feel like I don't have the skills necessary to handle a relationship. Of course, these are skills that one has to practice, and the problem is that I haven't practiced very much. Most of my friends are in relationships, and the vast majority of them are not virgins; it seems like I am really far behind...

I find myself thinking the same thing.

Ugg people suck.

Especially this part.

My friends left me in the dust when it came to relationship experience. I know close to nothing about being in one and I feel that it puts me at a disadvantage. But I guess you gotta start somewhere.

 

[Wyst]

My friends left me in the dust when it came to relationship experience. I know close to nothing about being in one and I feel that it puts me at a disadvantage. But I guess you gotta start somewhere.

Heh, you're still young! It could be much worse.
I'm 28 and still have not had a serious relationship.

 

[gloomy-optimist]

My main problem in that field is that I often don't find the same things to be important in a relationship as society tends to.

For me, a relationship is not about always having your arm wrapped around the other person, or always doing things together, especially not because of a sense of obligation. It's about real connection, wanting to do that, and the ability to trust and communicate.

When most people date, a lot of times they don't have that in mind. They have the idea that they are expected to date, and that they should date in so-and-so a way. It's more a thought of, "I want someone to be with" and less, "I really want to connect with THIS person."

That puts a lot of pressure on, along with a sense of obligation to be and act a certain way. As far as I'm concerned, I want a relationship where I have a conscious WANT for a person, rather than an obligation, and the ability to be comfortable to act as I am rather than what I'm expected to be.

 

[Billy]

OP, I know how you feel. I am my biggest roadblock in a relationship I think. I dated an ESTP for 8 years. She never understood my depth at all, never even tried. I spent 8 years in her head but she never got into mine, I felt alone the entire time. It was quite sad, she broke up with me 5 months ago well it was sorta mutual... I didnt have the courage to end it even though I wanted to because I am generally extremely devoted and loyal. Now I am floating around and I am feeling like I will never find a woman I like who can understand me well enough for a real relationship to be possible...

 

[daydreamer]

I don't know if anyone has ever felt like this before - but I find myself there a lot. It seems like there's a couple of things working against me:

- general hermit douchebaggery
- I'm afraid/unable to express what I really want - usually because I'm afraid of losing a good friend
- when I do get into the beginning stages of a relationship, I quickly get critical of the person, thinking, "wait... this isn't what I imagined".. I once sabotaged a relationship this way.
- I've got an insatiable desire to be understood fully, accepted non-conditionally, and appreciated deeply. I have never met anyone that has been able to do more than 1 of these things
- thinking like this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy
- I'm short

I'm just curious if anyone else out there sometimes (not all the time) feels hopeless about finding love. That somehow whatever it is that makes you you also dealt you the suckiest hand life could ever offer you in the game of love.

It's not fair!!

Yes this has happened to me too. I'm actually kind of short too. I think you need to figure out which quality you want the most and then choose a second and third.

 

[thataway]

I'm at the stage in my life where I'm beginning to watch my peers either marry or become involved in serious relationships. And I feel completely distant from the entire process. These are not things I see myself attaining in the near future, though I don't have a problem attracting interest in general.

Moreover, I'm also seeing the reality of my parents' marriage. And I'm seeing the deterioration of several of our family friends' marriages as their children go off to school and attain independence. The saddest part is that it's not a bad thing for these people, it's a relief.

I believe that romantic love truly comes and lasts for very few. And I believe that few are willing to invest the amount of care and effort it requires to sustain meaningful positive relationships. I think that finding someone with the right dedication who is also a romantic match is exceedingly difficult.

If it happens, peachy. But.

I find that for me, it's important to accept that marriage and such may never happen, but that my life need not be empty because of that. With all of the time and money I would otherwise devote to a family, etc., I can instead work on developing myself, on becoming the best possible form of my being. I can hone my craft and do good works and explore my world and be satisfied in other ways and it will not be a life wasted. It seems a fair trade-off.

My mother finds this attitude deeply cynical (she seems a little shocked by it).

 

[firstjudge]

I've never had a relationship before which might sound shocking to most people. I don't have a overwhelming desire to have one either though I do get lonely and fantasize about a perfect partner from time to time. I just can't imagine putting myself out there and finding a mate. I've rarely developed strong attractions to people I encounter leaving me disinterested in engaging. The few people who have shown an interest in me I've pushed away and people who I find physically attractive I ignore. Being gay/semi-bi and not feeling gay enough for most gay people doesn't help. I'm also very insecure about the way I look though I have high standards for a partner which is not a good combo. I think I will grow old to be a loner with a dog or something. LOL.

 

[sassafras]

My main problem in that field is that I often don't find the same things to be important in a relationship as society tends to.

For me, a relationship is not about always having your arm wrapped around the other person, or always doing things together, especially not because of a sense of obligation. It's about real connection, wanting to do that, and the ability to trust and communicate.

When most people date, a lot of times they don't have that in mind. They have the idea that they are expected to date, and that they should date in so-and-so a way. It's more a thought of, "I want someone to be with" and less, "I really want to connect with THIS person."

That puts a lot of pressure on, along with a sense of obligation to be and act a certain way. As far as I'm concerned, I want a relationship where I have a conscious WANT for a person, rather than an obligation, and the ability to be comfortable to act as I am rather than what I'm expected to be.

TBH, I've never sensed that sort of pressure or 'obligation,' so for friendly curiosity's sake, I'd like know where and how you get this sort of impression. Or perhaps I'm just not clear on what you mean about acting in "certain ways."

 

[rainrise]

Being gay/semi-bi and not feeling gay enough for most gay people doesn't help.

please don't say this.

there a myriad of many points on the gay-straight continuum, all which are equally well and should not be subjected to the comparison of either extremes for their validity. even the 'absolute' middle of the spectrum of bisexuality is just a model that guarantees no lack if people were to deviate from that...and many do in fact

but i can understand what you mean. the community seems to have set up standards to go for, merge with, and what have you. don't worry because people are attracted to you regardless and to 'fit in' to such or such a group is ultimately varied in its definition.