INFJs and feelings of being alone, different, disconnected or lost

[Mina_Noir]

I can feel utterly lonely at parties, even with old friends, I don't understand why they talk about the things they do. I find their topics shallow and have sat many times waiting for the conversation to steer into the fields that I find interesting and important.

I just don't have anything to contribute to conversations about where they get their hair done or what colour scheme they are gonna have in their living room.

So I tend to be silent...and if I do say something...they often stare at me because I have added something to the conversation that they think was out of the blue or too deep or too convoluted.

Like if they discuss colour schemes I will bring up what psychological implications different colours have..."blue is calming, yellow is activating" - to me these things are totally connected and interesting since they have to do with how we function as human beings.....still I get that look that says "What are you on about".

This is exactly the way I feel . Even if it's my group of friends. It just feels that I somehow don't fit in even when I hang out with my old friends from high-school. This is rather confusing for me.
I tend to do a lot better in one on one conversations,though.

 

[Tanya]

Hi, I am new here. Just read the post by Poetic Justice and I love it because it makes a lot of sense. People always ask me what is wrong and are surprised to find that I am perfectly happy just lost in my own world. Does anyone here have a big problem with concentration it has been a major issue in my life. The only friend I have are my partner and family other people find me too full on or too withdrawn. But I can only be me and it takes time to accept that.

 

[CarrotPoet]

Yes...it's like, no matter how hard you try to BE yourself...to be comfortable..something is always lacking. It's like there is this ideal in your mind of how others are interacting "how normal people interact" that you cannot seem to accomplish. I guess it's because we set this ideal...or maybe it is because INFJ's are different. I know exactly how you feel. I've always tried to be comfortable and just "free" but no matter how hard I try...I feel like I'm not "one of them"-- as in other friends. One on one I may feel fine but usually in groups, not really. It really sucks sometimes!

You've the the nail on the head. That is exactly why I spent so much time away from others.

 

[Amaranth44]

I can relate to this feeling...it's definitely how I was feeling my first of University today.
I find it often happens at social events, particularly when I don't know anyone. So many people are outgoing and talkative with one another, and I seem to sink into the background. I feel so uncomfortable when I'm around so many people. I also don't like small talk, unless it's with someone I connect with really well. There are certain people you just feel that click with. At least I do. I feel this way with my friends sometimes too, particularly when it's a bigger group. I prefer smaller intimate ones, or one on one. When it's this case, I think I feel much better and less invisible. In larger groups(although it depends who is with me) I tend to keep a distance, or talk amongst someone I know really well.
I hate the feeling of being so disconnected with everyone and everything. It's like you don't even exist, or know how to relate to anyone. I worry that I may come off as snobbish, even though I always try to be friendly despite being shy. I worry about isolating myself because I don't really go out very much and get involved, unless it's something that I am really interested in.
I don't have a problem getting along with people, and it's odd because there are people who seem to be drawn to me, and I know that I am generally likable. However it's usually after people get to know me more.

 

[Soulful]

I wish we could communicate telepathically. Words get in the way, somehow..

 

[Blind Bandit]

I wish we could communicate telepathically. Words get in the way, somehow..

that would be wondrous. I think my mouth messes up all the wonderful things I've want to say.

 

[DeadlyPacifist]

Even if I have some friends who I sort of enjoy being around, I feel like I don't want to hang out with them outside of school. I see it as a "waste of time." I think that it has to do with two things- finding someone who I think is worth my time, and also wanting to be more extroverted. Seriously, I love spending the majority of my time on the internet. There's so much to do.

 

[Marva32]

Alone wolf stepped out into the pale moonlight looking for his partner, knowing he could rely on himself, and only himself, for survival. There were packs in the area, his territory was equidistant between them and he would partake of their friendliness from time to time only to head back to his den in solitude for safety and security.
He ran with the pack from time to time until those who helped guard his flanks disappeared from view. One after the other they left him dazed and confused, not knowing who to turn to, or where to run to and hide.
He compared himself to the members of the packs and saw that he was similar to them, a little heavier maybe, but otherwise similar. There was the athletic pack. He tried twice in vain to join and was even accepted both times in an active role. It is often said that

 

[Entyqua]

I wish we could communicate telepathically. Words get in the way, somehow..

I just about have this down pat...with one person...wish it was that easy with everyone else in the world lolz

 

[Alkali Regnant]

I am the same way. I enjoy nice time alone. Not necessarily quiet but just time when no one else is around.
I am much more open on the internet because people don't know me in real life. I generally dislike large group events and keep to a small group of close friends (I don't really have any normal friends, just those who I hold dear).

 

[markus]

I enjoy my alone time, but yea I feel disconnected to most people. I just feel like I've shaded the world a bit too different as the rest of everyone.

 

[dicember]

Throughout my life, I have felt this. There seems to be no cure. Love, romance, family, accomplishments, spirituality, money, friendships, helping others, none of these things ever touch the lost-ness. I don't know how else to describe it. It's not loneliness, depression, lack of enthusiasm, or unhappiness, it's not frustration, it's not a self-image issue, it's not a lack of fulfilment. Simply stating "I feel lost," seems to reference the outside world more. I'm speaking of the inside world - the reason I express it as lost-ness - it's like a part of me occupies non-existent non-space - like I'm part existing and part ghost. I'm beginning to think that this is simply an INFJ feeling, and I've recently taken the tack of learning to disregard it. Does anyone else experience this feeling?

I definitely feel this way. I have no idea why it happens, but for me it's worse.

I have this very strong feeling that I'm not actually a human. Like, we are all just spirits that come to this earth, and it's very temporary. We do what we are sent here to do, then our job is done, and we leave. I tell all my girlfriends and ex's how crazy I am and that I think I am an alien. I honestly catch myself looking at people sometimes and being like "look at those humans, they do that. wait, I'm a human."

 

[dicember]

This is exactly the way I feel . Even if it's my group of friends. It just feels that I somehow don't fit in even when I hang out with my old friends from high-school. This is rather confusing for me.
I tend to do a lot better in one on one conversations,though.

omigosh, this happens for you guys too? That's totally the case for me.

* people are talking happily and having fun.* I walk in and listen to them talk. then I say something. then all of them are like. whoaaa that's interesting. that's pretty insightful and deep. Then everybody stops talking. Then we realize we all stopped talking, and there is awkward silence.

But in the few cases that someone else can keep it going, it's pretty neat. I prefer 1 on 1 conversations over group conversations for this reason. one on one, you can go deeper and more meaningful. i think group conversations just have to be shallow because there are too many people talking at once for any one thought to be explored.

 

[dicember]

I just about have this down pat...with one person...wish it was that easy with everyone else in the world lolz

I think music is pretty close to telepathy.

Also, INFJs tend to be very good about sensing what another person is feeling or thinking. It's that intuition thing. Talking to another INFJ, especially in a one on one thing, honestly, feels very comfortable and connected. It's hard to describe, but I love it.

 

[dicember]

Throughout my life, I have felt this. There seems to be no cure. Love, romance, family, accomplishments, spirituality, money, friendships, helping others, none of these things ever touch the lost-ness. I don't know how else to describe it. It's not loneliness, depression, lack of enthusiasm, or unhappiness, it's not frustration, it's not a self-image issue, it's not a lack of fulfilment. Simply stating "I feel lost," seems to reference the outside world more. I'm speaking of the inside world - the reason I express it as lost-ness - it's like a part of me occupies non-existent non-space - like I'm part existing and part ghost. I'm beginning to think that this is simply an INFJ feeling, and I've recently taken the tack of learning to disregard it. Does anyone else experience this feeling?

I definitely feel this way. I have no idea why it happens, but for me it's worse.

I have this very strong feeling that I'm not actually a human. Like, we are all just spirits that come to this earth, and it's very temporary. We do what we are sent here to do, then our job is done, and we leave. I tell all my girlfriends and ex's how crazy I am and that I think I am an alien. I honestly catch myself looking at people sometimes and being like "look at those humans, they do that. wait, I'm a human."

 

[spaceman]

i prefer being alone. i've never really felt lost or disconnected, it feels normal to me to be this way.

 

[Trifoilum]

yeah, me too. Sometimes a little, sometimes completely. Sometimes by choice, sometimes by chance.

It kinda hurts, especially in those "fun and interesting and WHOOAAAAA ACTIVITY" times when suddenly your head just went .... "huh?"

But.... as painful as it is, nothing's more painful than being disconnected from yourself.

 

[eidelweiss]

I can feel utterly lonely at parties, even with old friends, I don't understand why they talk about the things they do. I find their topics shallow and have sat many times waiting for the conversation to steer into the fields that I find interesting and important.

I just don't have anything to contribute to conversations about where they get their hair done or what colour scheme they are gonna have in their living room.

So I tend to be silent...and if I do say something...they often stare at me because I have added something to the conversation that they think was out of the blue or too deep or too convoluted.

I felt constantly alone socially in high school because of this. I didn't fit in anywhere except the art room and actually 'in' the classroom because my INFJ intuition + perfectionism made me make really good insights in all of my humanities classes. I was excluded from things that my 'friends' did on purpose, like they would not tell me they were going to a movie and from birthday parties.

I didn't care what was the new fashion or the coolest music or the whatever or latest gossip. People who pursue things like this annoy me, especially those who don't have a thought in their head that wasn't put there. (ok, now i'm being cruel).

I still don't, but it's [fitting in/feeling alone] less important now.

I don't see a need to socialize just to socialize. If there's nothing I'm going to get out of an activity, like going to a party, why would I want to go? What's the point if I just make meaningless conversation with people I know when I could be doing something better with my time and energy? I do care if I'm going to have fun with a close friend, but I don't like loud places, like parties or rock concerts (hypersensitive in many ways).

Less 'alone' in college. I have my awesome boyfriend and about 10 close friends who find me awesome and don't talk about trivial things all the time. They help me grow and we have fun; I feel happy and included.

 

[Io-]

Ditto. I've felt like this all my life. I'm just a point in my life where I'm doing a whole lot of questioning - what do I want, what's really important, and how am I going to achieve what I want without trying to be someone else type questions. Doing heaps of reading. At present am reading "the Introvert Advantage - how to thrive in an extrovert world" by Marti Olsen Laney, Psy.D Finding it quite insightful and helpful (in theory anyway, have yet to put into practice!)..... Seem to find my life swinging between being drowned by it all or fighting against it. Think maybe I might need an Aikido type of philosophy, sorta using your opponents energy to defeat them!.... maybe

 

[driro]

I felt constantly alone socially in high school because of this.

Less 'alone' in college. I have my awesome boyfriend and about 10 close friends who find me awesome and don't talk about trivial things all the time. They help me grow and we have fun; I feel happy and included.

I have felt like this all my life, infact still now..my question would be how did you then manage to get 10 close friends?!? I have 1 good friend and I am close to my parents. Few months back, I was totally unaware of my aloofness. Now that I am acutely aware of it (and I find it necessary to have atleast a close circle of friends), it's kind of damaging to my self-worth.