HolySmoke
endeavoring to persevere
- MBTI
- INFJ
A Trinity. (Dusts off hands. Sighs. Job well done.)
INFJs and feelings of being alone, different, disconnected or lost
- Thread starter hoodbran
- Start date
A Trinity. (Dusts off hands. Sighs. Job well done.)
- MBTI
- INFJ
- Enneagram
- 1w2 sx/so/sp
Haha, how so?
I've never felt like I truly belonged, not only in high school but in this city itself. Which is a hard pill to swallow in high school. It is my dream to get far, far away from here.
It's kind of funny, as I went to this summer college program for like six days and had myself a really nice inner circle, whom I still talk to on a near-daily basis. We're going back in February, and everyone's extremely excited. It's like "Yay I'll belong again!"
It's kind of funny, as I went to this summer college program for like six days and had myself a really nice inner circle, whom I still talk to on a near-daily basis. We're going back in February, and everyone's extremely excited. It's like "Yay I'll belong again!"
Oh, and if you never feel like you belong, listen to this song to relate to:
Elliott Smith-No Name #1
At a party he was waiting
Looking kind of spooky and withdrawn
Like he could be underwater
The mighty mother with her hundred arms
Swept all aside
I hate to walk behind other people's ambition
I saw you waiting
Saint-like
With your warning
Leave alone
You don't belong here
He got nervous
Started whistling
Every thought a ricochet
Did you notice?
Well, I wondered
What's the worst thing I could say?
And I froze up and sighed
You remind me of someone's daughter
I forgot her
I forgot her name, ashamed
Go home and live with your pain
Leave alone
Leave alone because you know you don't belong
You don't belong here
And when I go
Don't you follow
Leave alone
Leave alone because you know you don't belong
You don't belong here
Slip out quiet
Nobody's looking
Leave alone
You don't belong here
Elliott Smith-No Name #1
At a party he was waiting
Looking kind of spooky and withdrawn
Like he could be underwater
The mighty mother with her hundred arms
Swept all aside
I hate to walk behind other people's ambition
I saw you waiting
Saint-like
With your warning
Leave alone
You don't belong here
He got nervous
Started whistling
Every thought a ricochet
Did you notice?
Well, I wondered
What's the worst thing I could say?
And I froze up and sighed
You remind me of someone's daughter
I forgot her
I forgot her name, ashamed
Go home and live with your pain
Leave alone
Leave alone because you know you don't belong
You don't belong here
And when I go
Don't you follow
Leave alone
Leave alone because you know you don't belong
You don't belong here
Slip out quiet
Nobody's looking
Leave alone
You don't belong here
PoetOfDreams
Shadow Queen
- MBTI
- INFP
- Enneagram
- 4w5
Thank you so much HolySmoke.... thats so caring!
xreemk
Newbie
- MBTI
- INFJ
Well, I don't ever try to force myself to feel like I belong. I guess in my mind I just know that one day I will feel that sense of belonging when I'm at the right place with the right people at the right time.
Morpheus
Community Member
- MBTI
- INFJ
I rarely feel a deep sense of belonging. I usually feel I have to justify my being where I am and I am constantly bothered by this creeping feeling that other people don't exist on the same wavelenghts as I do, and even though they underestand what I say when I explain it to them they don't really get me.
But every now and then such a pleasant miracle happens that I come across someone with whom I feel I belong. My closest friends are people like that, so I guess that overall I'm content with the situation.
But every now and then such a pleasant miracle happens that I come across someone with whom I feel I belong. My closest friends are people like that, so I guess that overall I'm content with the situation.
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Seeker
Community Member
- MBTI
- INFJ
Constantly
I also feel i'm in the way for people when i'm around, that i'm a burden, but people are in general too nice to tell me to go away, or feel they have a use of me later on.
arbygil
Passing through
- MBTI
- INFJ
- Enneagram
- 9w1
It doesn't get any easier (the sense of "not-belonging") when you get older, but you *are* able to accept it better. You learn to be okay with it, and even enjoy it at times (you get to mess with people's heads and you can take bets on how they'll react). 
Seriously though, there used to be an old, 1960s science fiction show called, "One Step Beyond"...and personally, I think that title is a pretty apt description of the INFJ. Good or for ill, we're always one step beyond in our own minds.
Seriously though, there used to be an old, 1960s science fiction show called, "One Step Beyond"...and personally, I think that title is a pretty apt description of the INFJ. Good or for ill, we're always one step beyond in our own minds.
Lonewalker
Regular Poster
- MBTI
- INFJ
It doesn't get any easier (the sense of "not-belonging") when you get older, but you *are* able to accept it better. You learn to be okay with it, and even enjoy it at times (you get to mess with people's heads and you can take bets on how they'll react).
Very true. Though I am not sure if I am more able to accept it better or just don't really care much anymore if I belong or not.
Simply put... I am here in the now and that is all that matters. Looking back has to many hurts, looking forward to many fears. I have just a couple long term goals the rest stay here in the now.
I do belong, here, now.
dats all.
lonewalker
Yes, I understand what you're talking about, that sense of "not belonging". The only place I feel that I turely belong is with my family. I really don't feel like I belong at school. I really don't feel like I relate much to people my own age & feel better with older people. There are people that I'll talk to & hang out with at school, but at times I don't feel like I belong with them & that I'll never feel good enough to tell them my ture thoughts & feelings. My whole life I've always wanted to meet people just like me & always wondered why I haven't. Now that I know about INFJs I'm starting to understand why. At times I feel that I can't wait to finish high school & I really look forward to going to college, which I hear is a place where INFJs find their niche. But yet again I don't think I'll be turely happy with myself until I find my soulmate, which is something that I think about constantly.
xreemk
Newbie
- MBTI
- INFJ
Yes, I understand what you're talking about, that sense of "not belonging". The only place I feel that I turely belong is with my family. I really don't feel like I belong at school. I really don't feel like I relate much to people my own age & feel better with older people. There are people that I'll talk to & hang out with at school, but at times I don't feel like I belong with them & that I'll never feel good enough to tell them my ture thoughts & feelings. My whole life I've always wanted to meet people just like me & always wondered why I haven't. Now that I know about INFJs I'm starting to understand why. At times I feel that I can't wait to finish high school & I really look forward to going to college, which I hear is a place where INFJs find their niche. But yet again I don't think I'll be turely happy with myself until I find my soulmate, which is something that I think about constantly.
I truly understand every word you are saying and I can almost relate to you in every way. I'm also in high school (this is my last year) and I don't really have a lot of good friends. I have very few close friends and the rest are acquaintances. I don't feel like I really get along with people my age, or at least in my school. I just don't "click" with them like I do with my really close friends. I feel like everybody's immature...I'm excited to meet new people that I can really click with and understand in college. I think that you will be truly happy if you are surrounded by people who understand you and who can relate to you. I'm very positive that you, as well as myself, will find plenty of people in college with whom we can feeling that sense of belonging. Right now I really don't feel like I belong anywhere, but I know that one day I will.
soulseeker
Permanent Fixture
- MBTI
- INFJ
do you feel alone? or different?.......
all along i really thought i was weird and all because i feel like no one really understood me......being an only child..... and many friends but not close friends because i can't really find one who i can trust...... i never shared my deep personal problems with anyone...... i have only one person to talk to (the person who helps clean the house etc..) my parents don't understand me.... i really have a hard time keeping this up because all my life i have been hiding what i really feel inside... i crave for someone to talk to...... this is one of the reasons why i pray to God (every time i can) ... NO ONE UNDERSTANDS me and i feel so weird because i kinda change attitudes most of the time.... whenever i am with a certain group of people.... i change depending on their attitudes..... also, i take other feelings as my own... and whenever i need help, i feel like no one is there to give me help but whenever others need help, i really really really feel bad when i say no......
there is also something that i would like to know...... do you also like to party a lot i mean you like socializing and stuff...... is this an INFJ trait?
all along i really thought i was weird and all because i feel like no one really understood me......being an only child..... and many friends but not close friends because i can't really find one who i can trust...... i never shared my deep personal problems with anyone...... i have only one person to talk to (the person who helps clean the house etc..) my parents don't understand me.... i really have a hard time keeping this up because all my life i have been hiding what i really feel inside... i crave for someone to talk to...... this is one of the reasons why i pray to God (every time i can) ... NO ONE UNDERSTANDS me and i feel so weird because i kinda change attitudes most of the time.... whenever i am with a certain group of people.... i change depending on their attitudes..... also, i take other feelings as my own... and whenever i need help, i feel like no one is there to give me help but whenever others need help, i really really really feel bad when i say no......
there is also something that i would like to know...... do you also like to party a lot i mean you like socializing and stuff...... is this an INFJ trait?
You don't sound so different to me.
I think you would probably find many people have the potential to understand you greatly, its just finding the common ground can sometimes be difficult when those around you only want to discuss the trivialities in life.
The first step is joining somewhere like here, which you have already done. So don't fret about the loneliness as "this too will pass". Its good that you have some kind of religious faith to calm your emotions, but the trouble with 'talking to god' is that it is invariably a one way conversation, and you really have to worry if it is not.
I don't think there is anything wrong with changing your outward behaviour in order to adapt to different social groups. In some ways you could think of it as a very usefull and neccessary survival tool for living in the modern world. Most people do it to some extent in my part of the world at least...Its great that you want to help others and be kind and cooperative, but be very careful just how far you go with that. Its of no use to the people who care about you in any group, if you do things that are damaging to your mental or emotional health because they conflict with your value system, and thereby you become stressed sad or miserable. So look out for yourself as number one, for the good of the group, is what I am saying. Hope that makes sense!
As for partying, its something I think is more common to simply being 'young' and having the time and sense of adventure or desire to 'zone out' to put into it in the first place. Theres nothing wrong with having a good time, as long as no other area of your life suffers as a result!
In answer to your questions- I prefer to 'party' with smaller groups of people, in controlled calm environments. Yes I do feel alone and different throughout most of my day to day life. But trust me, you get used to it eventually as you come to understand your own inner self better and more intimately as you grow older and more experienced.
I think you would probably find many people have the potential to understand you greatly, its just finding the common ground can sometimes be difficult when those around you only want to discuss the trivialities in life.
The first step is joining somewhere like here, which you have already done. So don't fret about the loneliness as "this too will pass". Its good that you have some kind of religious faith to calm your emotions, but the trouble with 'talking to god' is that it is invariably a one way conversation, and you really have to worry if it is not.
I don't think there is anything wrong with changing your outward behaviour in order to adapt to different social groups. In some ways you could think of it as a very usefull and neccessary survival tool for living in the modern world. Most people do it to some extent in my part of the world at least...Its great that you want to help others and be kind and cooperative, but be very careful just how far you go with that. Its of no use to the people who care about you in any group, if you do things that are damaging to your mental or emotional health because they conflict with your value system, and thereby you become stressed sad or miserable. So look out for yourself as number one, for the good of the group, is what I am saying. Hope that makes sense!
As for partying, its something I think is more common to simply being 'young' and having the time and sense of adventure or desire to 'zone out' to put into it in the first place. Theres nothing wrong with having a good time, as long as no other area of your life suffers as a result!
In answer to your questions- I prefer to 'party' with smaller groups of people, in controlled calm environments. Yes I do feel alone and different throughout most of my day to day life. But trust me, you get used to it eventually as you come to understand your own inner self better and more intimately as you grow older and more experienced.
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Kwistalline
Permanent Fixture
- MBTI
- INFJ
My sweet, sweet INFJ counterpart . . . you aren't in any way alone. Believe me! Well, with the exception that my father and I are very close, when I was a child, I was very much alone. I found that I understood most people, but no one could understand me. That I could see where other people came from, but no one could see me.
I tend to show traits of "changeableness" also, but I think it's from a desire to please others, and as long as you hold those beliefs as a part of you and do not compromise what you truly cherish, you aren't "weak-willed". And yes, saying no is difficult. But I rationalize with "is it more loving to give in or to withold?"
I can't speak for other INFJ's, but if I party, I party at home with a max of five friends (comfort level). Any more and it becomes an energy sapping event. Soulseeker, these things will not always be true for you . . . one day you will not be so alone (either that, or you will find contentment there). And the good thing is, you have identified some important areas where you could use improvement. Think of it as a challenge for personal growth. You are worth so much more than you can imagine! Never forget it.
Shaz
Community Member
- MBTI
- iNfj
I think a lot of us experience that kind of feeling. A lot of people arrive on the forum and find themselves so relieved to see there are other people like them, who go through the same things and have a similar understanding of the world. It's hard for us to find that kind of people but it does happen and when it does it creates the strongest of relationships. And a huge relief I think.
I agree with Kwistalline about the changeableness. We all have it in us, but there is a fragile line between empathizing with other people and compromising your own integrity. Maybe because you feel you are so alone you do not yet dare to be yourself around others because of course you feel they will not understand you and you might be rejected - but you're the only one who really knows what goes on inside you during those moments. I assume people probably become more themselves as they get older and more experienced but I'm young so maybe older members could share their experience.
This said here are my two cents : I used to be like that A LOT, to the point I could feel it was bad for myself, and it made me feel even more misunderstood and alone. But one day I met someone who completely understood me and the mere realization that I wasn't alone changed my mindset completely. Of course it takes a long time to change your actually behaviour and it's still hard for me to dare and be myself and overcome my fear of rejection but I have already gone a pretty long way. My boyfriend (over-optimistic-confident-but-loving INTP) has helped me a HUGE deal with that too. And I feel now there will be other experiences that will make me grow more. Of course everything isn't rosy and every so often you meet the asshole who makes you doubt, but what I mean is that there is a lot of room for growth.
As far as parties go, I like them too, and I like rock concerts which isn't the case of everybody here I think. But ask me the same question in 20 years and I might have a different answer
I agree with Kwistalline about the changeableness. We all have it in us, but there is a fragile line between empathizing with other people and compromising your own integrity. Maybe because you feel you are so alone you do not yet dare to be yourself around others because of course you feel they will not understand you and you might be rejected - but you're the only one who really knows what goes on inside you during those moments. I assume people probably become more themselves as they get older and more experienced but I'm young so maybe older members could share their experience.
This said here are my two cents : I used to be like that A LOT, to the point I could feel it was bad for myself, and it made me feel even more misunderstood and alone. But one day I met someone who completely understood me and the mere realization that I wasn't alone changed my mindset completely. Of course it takes a long time to change your actually behaviour and it's still hard for me to dare and be myself and overcome my fear of rejection but I have already gone a pretty long way. My boyfriend (over-optimistic-confident-but-loving INTP) has helped me a HUGE deal with that too. And I feel now there will be other experiences that will make me grow more. Of course everything isn't rosy and every so often you meet the asshole who makes you doubt, but what I mean is that there is a lot of room for growth.
As far as parties go, I like them too, and I like rock concerts which isn't the case of everybody here I think. But ask me the same question in 20 years and I might have a different answer
soulseeker
Permanent Fixture
- MBTI
- INFJ
:mno: yeah really i'm really really happy to find this forum because it's my first time to "talk" to people who are like me....... and yeah i hope i would find a close friend who i can really trust and can trust me back... hope i become stronger as i grow up i feel kinda mature for my age i'm only 15 and i don't know it's like i've known myself for so long........