[INTP] INTP/INFJ - The Golden Pair

noisebloom said:
1. Find local Magic The Gathering tournament.
2. Show up shitfaced.
3. Start mumbling about how people are tools and society is for idiots.
4. Receive INTP.
Click to expand...

Hahahahahahaha! Sounds like my type of guy! :D
 
fackjam said:
because he prefers direct honesty to trying to pick up on hints, which he misses completely most of the time.
Click to expand...
:m187:
JennyDaniella said:
Get myself an INTP boyfriend.
Click to expand...
giphy.gif
 
It’s very interesting reading this topic since I’m an INFJ and my husband through 8 years is an INTP. I didn’t know that at all when we met, it’s only a short while ago we found out that he was an INTP.

I like that he is theoretical and analyzes everything, because sometimes I can be so hung up in my (stupid/annoying) feelings, but he will understand in a theoretical way or always have som wise words to me.

He want me to tell him directly if there is anything I need because he don’t understand hints.

We have always had a good sex life *blush* and both love sex so much because we love how close We get. In the beginning We didn’t talk about sex, and our first kiss were when were drunk, haha..

He don’t like to plan much, which can be annoying for me because I like to plan the things I do. And if I Ask «can we do that xxx next week» he always says: «maybe, let’s see next week».. he like to be spontaneous, and I don’t always like that, hehe.
 
I looked for a thread like this because I need some anonymous place to drop my emotional junk.
I'm an INFJ Female, in my early 30s. I recently fell in love with an INTP male, barely 30, but very recently I was told that I'm one of the most important people in his life but that he only sees me as a very important friend. This, after it took me so much courage to finally confess.

Right now, I feel so damned upset, rejected and in great disbelief. I counted my intuition, read so many blogs and books on INTP Males being in love and I was so sure and so certain and so sure that I got this in the bag--- that he truly, deeply, absolutely cared for me. And he did, except just as a friend, he said, and only intellectually--- not romantically, not sexually. He sees me for wits, he likes me very much, he says, and he has never felt so much value for a friendship in his life and I am in that category, but only as a friend. I want to cry.

I'm upset because it feels unfair because as an INFJ, I had sworn off romantic interest for a very long while. I love deeply; my last heartbreak devastated me and I never wanted to be in another again. I was so sure that I was ruined for other men. When this INTP came, all the alarm signals went off, and I kept my distance fearing the worst but he was so persistent. He constantly barged into my space, sought corners inside of my head that I wondered what he was looking for. Because he was younger, I thought it'd be harmless to just humor the entire situation and join group dinners. But dinners with friends became dinners, movie nights for two but all on the premise of friendship. We learned to rely on each other, do chores for each other and again, all on the premise of friendship. We never called them dates. We never got physical. I said, I drew my lines. But his loyalty drew me in, his faithfulness--- he was never dating anyone during this time: a year, a couple or so. Somewhere along the way, he just started to reside in my head and stayed there permanently. But I swear I saw the way he looked at me and even though, he always treated me with respect; I have never felt so loved and valued. And our conversations were so intellectual, interesting, endless. Needless to say, I started falling in love. I really really felt so much clarity and I was so sure that he is the one---now I'm doubting my intuition (am I even really INFJ?) Does INFJ intuition regularly fail?

At first, I thought he loved me but had struggle confessing because I was the older, more accomplished one. I never really let joking advances advance--- I wasn't sure what I felt. When he started telling me about people he liked however, I started to feel panicked: I did not like the idea of losing him to an average girl he met elsewhere. When I noticed odd behavior (he was usually glued to my presence but on several nights, he wasn't), I decided to confess---- tell him frankly how I felt. And he told me frankly that I was only just a friend. I still think I saw pain in his glassy eyes that night we talked--but as I doubt my intuition, I now doubt what I saw.

Now, I think that if he ever did like me romantically once, then logically, he would have confessed. He wouldn't have dragged me around. We wouldn't have stayed in just a convenient relationship--he would have sealed it. I understand INTPs weigh and scrutinize their love decisions from all angles. I must have just failed to hit the mark for him, and he simply must have decided that I am not worth it. He is the more attractive one; there's plenty of fish out there in the ocean for him.

Now, however, I unintentionally put him in the infamous INFJ emotional door slam. The night we talked, I was very collected and I must have made it seem like nothing would change between us but as the days came and he tried to keep things the same, I couldn't for the love of whatever, keep a straight face. I can't even look him in the eye so much. Maybe it's my pain, but I am definitely recognizing these signs--- I will be doorslamming him, especially now that he has confessed to wanting to date someone else. He said he wants to keep things the same between us, and he disagreed so blatantly when I said that there would have to be changes now that there's someone else in the equation. But I made it clear that I can no longer put up with us. He respects it, he says. And he tries to give me space as much as he can, now, but it really does still hurt me especially each time he shows how much he cares. But now I wonder if I'm even only just imagining that he cares--- for all I know, he's not even in distraught about the precariousness of our situation.

I know, I recognize, he won't change the way he feels about me. INTPs are notorious for their honesty, I doubt that his statement meant anything other than we can only be just friends. But I can't help but be hopeful that the door slam would hurt him more than it hurts me now, that he'd need me and miss me. I read somewhere that INTPs tend to re evaluate their situation with new data--- I wonder if knowing what I truly felt would be enough new data for him to want to reassess. I still think we fit each other. We are good for each other. But given the notorious stubbornness of INTPs, I think, I know I have to accept that this is over...

To the INTPs out there, male, please tell me that I am right to completely let him go. Please tell me that he will be fine with losing our friendship, for my peace. I have been so overridden in guilt because I feel like my feelings have inconvenienced us both, him especially. It's rare for him to have treasured friends who sees him for who he is, and now I'm taking the warmth away. But I just can't stay still within our norms. I can't give him what he wants: I can't cheer him on as he pursue a new relationship. I just can't. So I need to know he will be fine without me and I know he will be, I just hope he isn't hurting so much.. I know he would but... You're INTP, please tell me. Is there anything I haven't covered? I won't apologize for how I feel nor hate him for not being able to see me as more. I guess, I need to hear you INTPs say again and again that he would never change his mind about us anymore... that any imaginations of romance are simply not on the table. I don't even know why I still need validation despite having heard him say repeatedly that there was no chance for us to be more than friends. Gah.

To the INFJs out there, I need advice on how to move forward. This rejection is outstanding to me. I still can't believe I got my intuition wrong. But I am determined to move forward, forget us entirely.

I don't know if we can ever be friends again, but for now, my emotions have overtaken me and I find it hard to be in the same space as him. So, yes, so much for the golden INTP-INFJ pairdom.
 
So I would like to preface this response by saying I am in no way an expert and my opinions on this matter are flawed due to my fallibility as well as the limited information that I have to work with. I don't know you- or him. This post of yours is the only small window into your world through which I can perceive something so complex as a close relationship lasting over the course of multiple years. So with these caveats out of the way I will respond to what parts of your post I can with any hope of saying something possibly true.

MINFJToothFairy said:
At first, I thought he loved me but had struggle confessing because I was the older, more accomplished one.
Click to expand...
Generally speaking men don't care about careers or accomplishment. Relationships are predicated on who is pleasurable to be around. For INTPs in particular I would say it's more specifically about who is both interesting in their company and trustworthy in their character. Those two factors are what decides such things, at least for me.
MINFJToothFairy said:
I never really let joking advances advance--- I wasn't sure what I felt.
Click to expand...
Joking about dating is a pretty safe INTP way to probe for whether or not that's a possibility. It's a safe tactic because if the other person refuses you can play it off as "i'm just the crazy jokey man, ignore me lol". Hey may have been trying to gauge whether or not he should ask you about something more. Then again I have joked with my INFJ friend about dating her and was 100 percent joking without a hint of seriousness. One of the fun things about plutonic relationships between men and women is winking at each other over what could be- even if there isn't any desire there.
MINFJToothFairy said:
When he started telling me about people he liked however, I started to feel panicked: I did not like the idea of losing him to an average girl he met elsewhere. When I noticed odd behavior (he was usually glued to my presence but on several nights, he wasn't), I decided to confess---- tell him frankly how I felt. And he told me frankly that I was only just a friend. I still think I saw pain in his glassy eyes that night we talked--but as I doubt my intuition, I now doubt what I saw.
Click to expand...
If, and I stress IF he was probing with the previously mentioned jokey approach ^ then it is possible he was interested in you at one point but slowly and painfully convinced himself there would never be anything more and moved on. Or he could just be upset that he can't return these feelings for you. No way for me to know so I can't do any better than this for you.
MINFJToothFairy said:
Now, I think that if he ever did like me romantically once, then logically, he would have confessed. He wouldn't have dragged me around. We wouldn't have stayed in just a convenient relationship--he would have sealed it. I understand INTPs weigh and scrutinize their love decisions from all angles. I must have just failed to hit the mark for him, and he simply must have decided that I am not worth it. He is the more attractive one; there's plenty of fish out there in the ocean for him.
Click to expand...
Rejection is great fear for many men. Being an INTP heightens the pressure and anxiety because not only might an INTP be rejected, which already hurts immensely but if he fails then its because of his weakest point: inferior Fe. INTPs don't like to expose their weaknesses let alone have their weaknesses be the source of colossal failures. Then again I suppose nobody does.
MINFJToothFairy said:
I know, I recognize, he won't change the way he feels about me. INTPs are notorious for their honesty, I doubt that his statement meant anything other than we can only be just friends. But I can't help but be hopeful that the door slam would hurt him more than it hurts me now, that he'd need me and miss me. I read somewhere that INTPs tend to re evaluate their situation with new data--- I wonder if knowing what I truly felt would be enough new data for him to want to reassess.
Click to expand...
Even INTPs lie. People who value honesty get overwhelmed and make mistakes/do things they are against in principle out of panic or any other number of reasons.


In summation- he's either lying (and my guess from there is that he was interested but has moved on due to a lack of interest signaled back and there's no going back for him at this point, at least in his mind) or he isn't, and the situation is what he says it is. I have no useful advice on how to proceed from here and i'm sorry I don't have any certainty to deal out. I did my best to respond honestly, good luck in whatever comes next. I hope your affairs will soon be in a happier state than they are currently.
 
@Reason

I'm grateful for your response. Little by little I'm coming to terms with the irrelevance of all things unsaid, if there are any. The fact to move forward with is that he said, no, that he will not change his mind. I can only move on from here.

I don't know what the emotional door slam will do to him. I'm assuming, based on what has been said, that it will not do anything. It's sad how we ended but I simply can't give the friendship we were supposed to have had anymore. I suppose this is a very INFJ coping mechanism.

And thank you. I do hope it gets better.
 
MINFJToothFairy said:
I looked for a thread like this because I need some anonymous place to drop my emotional junk.
I'm an INFJ Female, in my early 30s. I recently fell in love with an INTP male, barely 30, but very recently I was told that I'm one of the most important people in his life but that he only sees me as a very important friend. This, after it took me so much courage to finally confess.

Right now, I feel so damned upset, rejected and in great disbelief. I counted my intuition, read so many blogs and books on INTP Males being in love and I was so sure and so certain and so sure that I got this in the bag--- that he truly, deeply, absolutely cared for me. And he did, except just as a friend, he said, and only intellectually--- not romantically, not sexually. He sees me for wits, he likes me very much, he says, and he has never felt so much value for a friendship in his life and I am in that category, but only as a friend. I want to cry.

I'm upset because it feels unfair because as an INFJ, I had sworn off romantic interest for a very long while. I love deeply; my last heartbreak devastated me and I never wanted to be in another again. I was so sure that I was ruined for other men. When this INTP came, all the alarm signals went off, and I kept my distance fearing the worst but he was so persistent. He constantly barged into my space, sought corners inside of my head that I wondered what he was looking for. Because he was younger, I thought it'd be harmless to just humor the entire situation and join group dinners. But dinners with friends became dinners, movie nights for two but all on the premise of friendship. We learned to rely on each other, do chores for each other and again, all on the premise of friendship. We never called them dates. We never got physical. I said, I drew my lines. But his loyalty drew me in, his faithfulness--- he was never dating anyone during this time: a year, a couple or so. Somewhere along the way, he just started to reside in my head and stayed there permanently. But I swear I saw the way he looked at me and even though, he always treated me with respect; I have never felt so loved and valued. And our conversations were so intellectual, interesting, endless. Needless to say, I started falling in love. I really really felt so much clarity and I was so sure that he is the one---now I'm doubting my intuition (am I even really INFJ?) Does INFJ intuition regularly fail?

At first, I thought he loved me but had struggle confessing because I was the older, more accomplished one. I never really let joking advances advance--- I wasn't sure what I felt. When he started telling me about people he liked however, I started to feel panicked: I did not like the idea of losing him to an average girl he met elsewhere. When I noticed odd behavior (he was usually glued to my presence but on several nights, he wasn't), I decided to confess---- tell him frankly how I felt. And he told me frankly that I was only just a friend. I still think I saw pain in his glassy eyes that night we talked--but as I doubt my intuition, I now doubt what I saw.

Now, I think that if he ever did like me romantically once, then logically, he would have confessed. He wouldn't have dragged me around. We wouldn't have stayed in just a convenient relationship--he would have sealed it. I understand INTPs weigh and scrutinize their love decisions from all angles. I must have just failed to hit the mark for him, and he simply must have decided that I am not worth it. He is the more attractive one; there's plenty of fish out there in the ocean for him.

Now, however, I unintentionally put him in the infamous INFJ emotional door slam. The night we talked, I was very collected and I must have made it seem like nothing would change between us but as the days came and he tried to keep things the same, I couldn't for the love of whatever, keep a straight face. I can't even look him in the eye so much. Maybe it's my pain, but I am definitely recognizing these signs--- I will be doorslamming him, especially now that he has confessed to wanting to date someone else. He said he wants to keep things the same between us, and he disagreed so blatantly when I said that there would have to be changes now that there's someone else in the equation. But I made it clear that I can no longer put up with us. He respects it, he says. And he tries to give me space as much as he can, now, but it really does still hurt me especially each time he shows how much he cares. But now I wonder if I'm even only just imagining that he cares--- for all I know, he's not even in distraught about the precariousness of our situation.

I know, I recognize, he won't change the way he feels about me. INTPs are notorious for their honesty, I doubt that his statement meant anything other than we can only be just friends. But I can't help but be hopeful that the door slam would hurt him more than it hurts me now, that he'd need me and miss me. I read somewhere that INTPs tend to re evaluate their situation with new data--- I wonder if knowing what I truly felt would be enough new data for him to want to reassess. I still think we fit each other. We are good for each other. But given the notorious stubbornness of INTPs, I think, I know I have to accept that this is over...

To the INTPs out there, male, please tell me that I am right to completely let him go. Please tell me that he will be fine with losing our friendship, for my peace. I have been so overridden in guilt because I feel like my feelings have inconvenienced us both, him especially. It's rare for him to have treasured friends who sees him for who he is, and now I'm taking the warmth away. But I just can't stay still within our norms. I can't give him what he wants: I can't cheer him on as he pursue a new relationship. I just can't. So I need to know he will be fine without me and I know he will be, I just hope he isn't hurting so much.. I know he would but... You're INTP, please tell me. Is there anything I haven't covered? I won't apologize for how I feel nor hate him for not being able to see me as more. I guess, I need to hear you INTPs say again and again that he would never change his mind about us anymore... that any imaginations of romance are simply not on the table. I don't even know why I still need validation despite having heard him say repeatedly that there was no chance for us to be more than friends. Gah.

To the INFJs out there, I need advice on how to move forward. This rejection is outstanding to me. I still can't believe I got my intuition wrong. But I am determined to move forward, forget us entirely.

I don't know if we can ever be friends again, but for now, my emotions have overtaken me and I find it hard to be in the same space as him. So, yes, so much for the golden INTP-INFJ pairdom.
Click to expand...

Pardon but can you tell us about your INFJS lovers name ?
 
MINFJToothFairy said:
I'd rather not. I'm sorry.
Click to expand...

hehe! certainly wise`1 says true! that they do not act directly. but they want to disturb. certainly i can see it by now.

dont know about others ( people in general who are not intelligent in the first place ) but i by the grace of mother ( or authority ) can see it very clearly.
 
MINFJToothFairy said:
Why? What would it benefit? I would really rather not.
Click to expand...

than i also would not waste my time in some nonsense bluff at all. :)

good luck with your farce. and you cannot do anything anymore for anything simply spoiled. ;)

and come on ( madam ) act directly instead of indirect propaganda for which i dont give piss at all. ;)

but still i have to admit that very clever in making propaganda. ( really sound clever you actually are )

very expert in making propaganda ( sound expert ) and certainly truthfully it is said that all western advanture to keep people in darkness.

and by propaganda you cannot suppress the truth. ( rascal women )
 
Last edited:
MoonFlier said:
A wise frog once said
Click to expand...

nah nah dont shift burdon of proof on me for my lollypop is into your deep throat ( by pying without invitation ) and i will go on alone but you have ( its damn you ) who has nothing better so you play with my lollypop ( by pying without invitation { like an prostitute })

its not an loss at all ;) for in society prostitutes are also wanted.
 
darat34 said:
nah nah dont shift burdon of proof on me for my lollypop is into your deep throat ( by pying without invitation ) and i will go on alone but you have ( its damn you ) who has nothing better so you play with my lollypop ( by pying without invitation { like an prostitute })

its not an loss at all ;) for in society prostitutes are also wanted.
Click to expand...

You are about to get yourself banned, telling people to suck your dick and calling them whores.
Not acceptable.
 
Also, INTPs aren’t stubborn about this stuff

We might not initiate but if we like you we will work towards progress

I’m sorry this didn’t work out right now

I understand you need to do what works for you

I don’t feel like this is a doorslam

I guess, if he picked up the phone and said something like

“Hey, you mean a lot to me. I’m sorry things got tangled and twisted. I’ve come to the realization that I care about you a lot and would like to give things a chance to progress. Are you up for that?”

What would your response be? If it’s yeah, I would be interested but he’d have to x, y and z, then that’s an ego issue

If you want nothing to do with this person ever again because you didn’t get what you wanted, I’d check that. I feel for you, I really do. That’s harder to do than cutting someone out who is a jerk and deserves to be cut out aka doorslammed
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top