I looked for a thread like this because I need some anonymous place to drop my emotional junk.
I'm an INFJ Female, in my early 30s. I recently fell in love with an INTP male, barely 30, but very recently I was told that I'm one of the most important people in his life but that he only sees me as a very important friend. This, after it took me so much courage to finally confess.
Right now, I feel so damned upset, rejected and in great disbelief. I counted my intuition, read so many blogs and books on INTP Males being in love and I was so sure and so certain and so sure that I got this in the bag--- that he truly, deeply, absolutely cared for me. And he did, except just as a friend, he said, and only intellectually--- not romantically, not sexually. He sees me for wits, he likes me very much, he says, and he has never felt so much value for a friendship in his life and I am in that category, but only as a friend. I want to cry.
I'm upset because it feels unfair because as an INFJ, I had sworn off romantic interest for a very long while. I love deeply; my last heartbreak devastated me and I never wanted to be in another again. I was so sure that I was ruined for other men. When this INTP came, all the alarm signals went off, and I kept my distance fearing the worst but he was so persistent. He constantly barged into my space, sought corners inside of my head that I wondered what he was looking for. Because he was younger, I thought it'd be harmless to just humor the entire situation and join group dinners. But dinners with friends became dinners, movie nights for two but all on the premise of friendship. We learned to rely on each other, do chores for each other and again, all on the premise of friendship. We never called them dates. We never got physical. I said, I drew my lines. But his loyalty drew me in, his faithfulness--- he was never dating anyone during this time: a year, a couple or so. Somewhere along the way, he just started to reside in my head and stayed there permanently. But I swear I saw the way he looked at me and even though, he always treated me with respect; I have never felt so loved and valued. And our conversations were so intellectual, interesting, endless. Needless to say, I started falling in love. I really really felt so much clarity and I was so sure that he is the one---now I'm doubting my intuition (am I even really INFJ?) Does INFJ intuition regularly fail?
At first, I thought he loved me but had struggle confessing because I was the older, more accomplished one. I never really let joking advances advance--- I wasn't sure what I felt. When he started telling me about people he liked however, I started to feel panicked: I did not like the idea of losing him to an average girl he met elsewhere. When I noticed odd behavior (he was usually glued to my presence but on several nights, he wasn't), I decided to confess---- tell him frankly how I felt. And he told me frankly that I was only just a friend. I still think I saw pain in his glassy eyes that night we talked--but as I doubt my intuition, I now doubt what I saw.
Now, I think that if he ever did like me romantically once, then logically, he would have confessed. He wouldn't have dragged me around. We wouldn't have stayed in just a convenient relationship--he would have sealed it. I understand INTPs weigh and scrutinize their love decisions from all angles. I must have just failed to hit the mark for him, and he simply must have decided that I am not worth it. He is the more attractive one; there's plenty of fish out there in the ocean for him.
Now, however, I unintentionally put him in the infamous INFJ emotional door slam. The night we talked, I was very collected and I must have made it seem like nothing would change between us but as the days came and he tried to keep things the same, I couldn't for the love of whatever, keep a straight face. I can't even look him in the eye so much. Maybe it's my pain, but I am definitely recognizing these signs--- I will be doorslamming him, especially now that he has confessed to wanting to date someone else. He said he wants to keep things the same between us, and he disagreed so blatantly when I said that there would have to be changes now that there's someone else in the equation. But I made it clear that I can no longer put up with us. He respects it, he says. And he tries to give me space as much as he can, now, but it really does still hurt me especially each time he shows how much he cares. But now I wonder if I'm even only just imagining that he cares--- for all I know, he's not even in distraught about the precariousness of our situation.
I know, I recognize, he won't change the way he feels about me. INTPs are notorious for their honesty, I doubt that his statement meant anything other than we can only be just friends. But I can't help but be hopeful that the door slam would hurt him more than it hurts me now, that he'd need me and miss me. I read somewhere that INTPs tend to re evaluate their situation with new data--- I wonder if knowing what I truly felt would be enough new data for him to want to reassess. I still think we fit each other. We are good for each other. But given the notorious stubbornness of INTPs, I think, I know I have to accept that this is over...
To the INTPs out there, male, please tell me that I am right to completely let him go. Please tell me that he will be fine with losing our friendship, for my peace. I have been so overridden in guilt because I feel like my feelings have inconvenienced us both, him especially. It's rare for him to have treasured friends who sees him for who he is, and now I'm taking the warmth away. But I just can't stay still within our norms. I can't give him what he wants: I can't cheer him on as he pursue a new relationship. I just can't. So I need to know he will be fine without me and I know he will be, I just hope he isn't hurting so much.. I know he would but... You're INTP, please tell me. Is there anything I haven't covered? I won't apologize for how I feel nor hate him for not being able to see me as more. I guess, I need to hear you INTPs say again and again that he would never change his mind about us anymore... that any imaginations of romance are simply not on the table. I don't even know why I still need validation despite having heard him say repeatedly that there was no chance for us to be more than friends. Gah.
To the INFJs out there, I need advice on how to move forward. This rejection is outstanding to me. I still can't believe I got my intuition wrong. But I am determined to move forward, forget us entirely.
I don't know if we can ever be friends again, but for now, my emotions have overtaken me and I find it hard to be in the same space as him. So, yes, so much for the golden INTP-INFJ pairdom.
