Anomaly
Selah.
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- 9w8 sx
Agreed. Many merely give rise to caution, and even in the various scenarios wouldn't be similar to some of the others on the list. Thank you for sharing, Wy.
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John K
Donor
- MBTI
- INFJ
- Enneagram
- 5W4 549
My geatest fear is that I am alone. It's not just fear but an existential terror. Once when I was young, I was truly alone - it's hard to descibe to anyone who has never experienced it, but it's like being in hell. There was nothing, except me, now. The world around me looked unreal, was unreal. Time did not exist, there was no past, no future - it didn't simply stop but just wasn't. It was as though someone pulled the plug out of reality, and it all drained away. No-one can undersand this who hasn't experienced something similar and I pray that they don't. There is plenty of philosophy about it, but it's all intellect and words. You can't feel what hell is like by intellectualising about it.
I found I was pretty tough, thank God and his grace, and I got by for several years by pretending the world was real before I was rescued. The rescue was even more amazing.
This is a lonely thing, because who the hell knows what on earth I'm talking about? But at the same time it was a rite of passage. This and it's sequel taught me what I know about the world we live in and I can see it from the outside as well as the inside. The words cannot carry the weight of joy that I feel, knowing this. I wouldn't change a thing despite the terror.
But it's part of life's mystery that these sort of fears are divided fundamentally from those that arise only in the everyday world around us. I certainly have some of those, though they are tame in comparison. So my chart:
I hope the colours are self evident. The red ones go back to my childhood at school - I was an unpopular child and didn't fit in at all to others my age, and I ended up fearing them. These things that we learn at seven or eight stay with us as a burden forever. I compensated by getting approval by being clever, and gaining ascendency that way - it worked for me. But that bound my cleverness successes to my social anxiety - very Enneagram 5 lol. I hope I have these in reasonable control now, but we can never fully overcome these fears that become habitual when we are kids. I do apologise to anyone who has become entangled in my demons.
Losing a loved one is purple - what does that mean? When we are little, the loss of a parent to death or divorce is a major disaster. When we are older, it isn't as important physically but can become even more important emotionally. At my age, end of life becomes a more present prospect. I'm not very social by nature, and my wife and I spend most of our days with only ourselves for company. At some point one or the other of us will go first. I'm much more able to manage on my own than she is, for all sorts or practical reasons. Because of this I hope she goes first, hopefully still years from now, but I'm more conflicted about it than these words can ever begin to express.
When I was little, I was terrified of loud noises. Thunder was a nightmare for me. When I was about 8 or 9 I got pissed off about this, and went to the library and devoured every book I could find about the weather. When I understood what was going on, I fell in love with it and since then I have delighted in storms. It's one of the glories of life that a fear overcome can transform into an intensive love.
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Anomaly
Selah.
- MBTI
- INFJ
- Enneagram
- 9w8 sx
Thank you for sharing, Peppermint. <3
Anomaly
Selah.
- MBTI
- INFJ
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- 9w8 sx
I think control, and a lack of it, influence many of my own fears as well, acd. What filters like sand in our grip, as we desperately try to grab hold... those things are especially difficult to contend with. I have had to let go of it, to be okay with whatever happens as long as I take control of my own reactions and choices. I fail often, but I hope to lean more and more in the truth of what I actually have control over. We will suffer loss. We will be hurt, and we will inflict pain. I just want to be careful to own my mistakes; to live outside of those fears as much as possible, not letting them dictate my life decisions. It is bittersweet that we will inevitably lose people that we love, but perhaps that knowledge can serve as motivation to love them well for as long as they are with us.
Thank you for sharing, acd.
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dZpADTLrPmX4c
Impermanent Fixture
- MBTI
- <3
- MBTI
- .
Get the fuck out of here with those hugs, wut is this forum coming to. Hugs make me insane
Thanks though, Winter, hehe
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Anomaly
Selah.
- MBTI
- INFJ
- Enneagram
- 9w8 sx
John, I cannot imagine what that was like as a child.
I was often left alone to care for my sister, and in many ways I raised myself because my mother wasn't available emotionally or physically (she's never been very open with me, and you'd never know by meeting her that she often neglected my sister and I when we were little due to needing to work several jobs-- she was just so tired all of the time, so fundamentally unhappy, worked to the bone with nothing left to give us).
However, the kind of alone you are describing.. I don't think is similar to the kind of alone that I experienced. I'm so sorry that you dealt with that, that you were completely disconnected. If you ever wanted to discuss this further sometime, I'd be interested to hear your full story. I've seen facets and glimpses, but if you ever felt like you could write down the story of your life, you'd have a captive audience.
You're right that it is a completely different thing to experience something, than to merely ponder it. Many of the fears that we have are shaped around that notion. You also cannot know how impossibly strong you can be to survive living through such terrors, until you've faced them and come out the other side in tact. Many of us have lived through hell, and no one would ever know what kind of hell we've suppressed or survived by speaking to us. They make declarations of how they'd act given a particular circumstance, but it is a different kind of hell living through it. I'm so glad that you are here. I'm grateful that you survived it.
I enjoyed the organization of each by color, and yes there was a pattern that was evident. I appreciate you all the more for it.
Your story about being pissed off about thunder, was too adorable. I taught a little girl who was terrified of storms; she'd scream and run to hide under my legs shivering. I spent a lot of time helping her understand what was happening; that the thunder would not harm her, but was a natural process. I understand your need to have answers, and in many ways this is wisdom; to approach a fear by dismantling it and understanding it. So many fears that we have are due to ignorance. If only we took the time to face them from a different angle, we could gain a new perspective. I admire you in this approach, despite it being in many ways generated by wounds from your childhood.
As for pondering loss, future or otherwise, I find that words do very little in the moment. I pray wholeheartedly that should it occur, that you have a friend to sit with you in the weight of that loss; as silence in the presence of someone who knows grief and weeps with you in it is far more of a comfort. I hope you are spared of it for as long as humanly possible, and that you are given what you wish for; in that your wife will not have to experience that fragmentation as you are willing to carry the burden of it for her. I don't know that I could be that strong, but I am moved by your admission of it.
Thank you for sharing this, John.
Anomaly
Selah.
- MBTI
- INFJ
- Enneagram
- 9w8 sx
You mofos better appreciate my artwork.
Black inside red means it's a genuine fear, to varying degrees. Red is just soft fears that can be overcome... I think
*I just remembered spiders aren't insects. Oh well, fuck redoing that
View attachment 82521
Thanks for sharing, Rit. Thank you for making me smile.
Anomaly
Selah.
- MBTI
- INFJ
- Enneagram
- 9w8 sx
- MBTI
- .
I've never related to a cat so much.
What's with all the hugs going around, Bleurgh. Leave my Internet form alone pls
Anomaly
Selah.
- MBTI
- INFJ
- Enneagram
- 9w8 sx
Grumpy cat is a mood.
Eh, your pattern says that you secretly like it. ;pWhat's with all the hugs going around, Bleurgh. Leave my Internet form alone pls
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Anomaly
Selah.
- MBTI
- INFJ
- Enneagram
- 9w8 sx
I've noticed a few patterns revolving around our fears, which are interesting.
First, that many of us have clear distinctions between the severity of particular fears, noting that some are interconnected or contingent on numerous factors. Whether they be derived from experience/trauma in childhood/adulthood, an indication of what we are ignorant about, or even those things which ache in us as human creatures.
Second, the fears of loss, abandonment, failure, and the unknown are prevalent so far. These are heavy fears based on our very being and interconnectedness; in many ways they exist outside of our control.
The third, we have similar coping mechanisms in dealing with fear: dissolving it through humor*, eradicating it by surviving through it or leaning toward our choice/will, escaping it through distractions, or disillusioning it by approaching it from a different angle of appreciation for what it can teach us.
I'm humbled by all of your responses. Thank you all for sharing these things so openly.
*I'm reminded of the 'Riddikulus' spell on Harry Potter just now.. haha.
First, that many of us have clear distinctions between the severity of particular fears, noting that some are interconnected or contingent on numerous factors. Whether they be derived from experience/trauma in childhood/adulthood, an indication of what we are ignorant about, or even those things which ache in us as human creatures.
Second, the fears of loss, abandonment, failure, and the unknown are prevalent so far. These are heavy fears based on our very being and interconnectedness; in many ways they exist outside of our control.
The third, we have similar coping mechanisms in dealing with fear: dissolving it through humor*, eradicating it by surviving through it or leaning toward our choice/will, escaping it through distractions, or disillusioning it by approaching it from a different angle of appreciation for what it can teach us.
I'm humbled by all of your responses. Thank you all for sharing these things so openly.
*I'm reminded of the 'Riddikulus' spell on Harry Potter just now.. haha.
- MBTI
- .
o2b
Permanent Fixture
- MBTI
- INFJ
- Enneagram
- 4w5
Cool, @Synergos, I just installed it, but I'll probably do as @Peppermint did, thinking it may take a bit to know how to use it.
John K
Donor
- MBTI
- INFJ
- Enneagram
- 5W4 549
o2b
Permanent Fixture
- MBTI
- INFJ
- Enneagram
- 4w5
I don't have the bandwidth now, but quite a bit on abandonment.
Abandonment does not evoke fear in me. Realizing some redundance, it evokes, resignation, melancholy, discouragement, and depression.
There has been a lot of that in my life. Causes me to think of the line in Sounds of Silence - Hello darkness, my old friend.
I was married 20 years. Carol divorced me, but it was amicable. We did grow apart. Well, I did remarry. What a mistake. I projected my brains off. Five minutes of her and the only proper response is to run for the hills.
I broke up with her (but later got back together) and in response she wrote me a letter. I called itThe 63 Criticisms Letter. I used the MS Word bullet function with four categories - criticisms of me, compliments of me, criticisms of her, and compliments of her. I just cut and pasted for all occurrences. Sure, there was ample repetition, but the final tallies were 63 criticisms of me, maybe 5 compliments, 15 compliments of herself, and something like 1 criticisms where she said she had bad bits too.
Run for the hills.
Thankfully, these days, I think I see people pretty accurately. Anyway, we were married in Swansea, Wales on October 31, 2004, a date I now think has meaning. Demons were likely marching in glee up and down the church aisle.
Back home to Massachusetts. She actually left for her other home in Oxford for a medical procedure and something else. Return date was up in the air, but I figured 4-6 weeks. She left in January and returned on Christmas Eve. She left again in March and after three months of her being gone, I was on the phone with a friend and it was not until that phone call that I realized thanks to my friend enlightening me that she abandoned me again!
Three months and it had yet to dawn on me.
Abandonment, my dear old friend.
Abandonment does not evoke fear in me. Realizing some redundance, it evokes, resignation, melancholy, discouragement, and depression.
There has been a lot of that in my life. Causes me to think of the line in Sounds of Silence - Hello darkness, my old friend.
I was married 20 years. Carol divorced me, but it was amicable. We did grow apart. Well, I did remarry. What a mistake. I projected my brains off. Five minutes of her and the only proper response is to run for the hills.
I broke up with her (but later got back together) and in response she wrote me a letter. I called itThe 63 Criticisms Letter. I used the MS Word bullet function with four categories - criticisms of me, compliments of me, criticisms of her, and compliments of her. I just cut and pasted for all occurrences. Sure, there was ample repetition, but the final tallies were 63 criticisms of me, maybe 5 compliments, 15 compliments of herself, and something like 1 criticisms where she said she had bad bits too.
Run for the hills.
Thankfully, these days, I think I see people pretty accurately. Anyway, we were married in Swansea, Wales on October 31, 2004, a date I now think has meaning. Demons were likely marching in glee up and down the church aisle.
Back home to Massachusetts. She actually left for her other home in Oxford for a medical procedure and something else. Return date was up in the air, but I figured 4-6 weeks. She left in January and returned on Christmas Eve. She left again in March and after three months of her being gone, I was on the phone with a friend and it was not until that phone call that I realized thanks to my friend enlightening me that she abandoned me again!
Three months and it had yet to dawn on me.
Abandonment, my dear old friend.
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Anomaly
Selah.
- MBTI
- INFJ
- Enneagram
- 9w8 sx
Your humor is my favorite.
@Rit4lin Time to get out MS paint once again! hahaha. (Hugs jar topples over and spills out everywhere staining everything in black and red)
Oh gosh, y'all are too much. I don't particularly enjoy hugs from random people, and this is sort of how I see myself when presented with the opportunity if it isn't by choice. haha.
However, I would hug you both (Don't worry, I'd take the pointy bits off first. hahaha)
;p- Status