OCD?

[uuu]

My therapist is reluctant to use diagnostic labels but has directed me to resources for people with OCD that I've found helpful dealing with my anxiety. Diagnosis or not, I relate a lot to testimonials from obsessive-compulsive people about imposter syndrome, irrepressible thoughts about far-flung disasters/apocalypse scenarios, constant rumination on whether I am a good person (scrupulosity), etc. I am functioning just fine in life, but always have this looming sense of disaster just around the corner, which makes it very hard for me to make long-term plans (vacations, marriage etc.) or major purchases.

Anyone relate? I was surprised to search this forum for "OCD" and get zero results.

 

[Asa]

Sounds like my SO, TBH.

 

[Matty]

My therapist is reluctant to use diagnostic labels but has directed me to resources for people with OCD that I've found helpful dealing with my anxiety. Diagnosis or not, I relate a lot to testimonials from obsessive-compulsive people about imposter syndrome, irrepressible thoughts about far-flung disasters/apocalypse scenarios, constant rumination on whether I am a good person (scrupulosity), etc. I am functioning just fine in life, but always have this looming sense of disaster just around the corner, which makes it very hard for me to make long-term plans (vacations, marriage etc.) or major purchases.

Anyone relate? I was surprised to search this forum for "OCD" and get zero results.

I had a bout of OCD-like anxiety when I was very young.

It seemed to be centred around the death of my grandmother, and a fear of losing my parents. I obsessed with car safety, checking the tyre wear, tyre pressure, making sure my parents were wearing seat belts etc. I was also hyper-vigilant at the beach, to make sure no one was drowning, or that there were no sharks around.

I can't recall how it resolved, but it must have on its own, because I can only recall being hyper vigilant, swimming near my parents, in case they needed rescuing one summer.

I think the underlying tendency is still there, because I worry about having been a bad influence on people, and the long term effects on their lives.

 

[John K]

I suspect that everyone with inferior Se can become a little OCD. So ... more times than I care to mention I park the car somewhere and set off down the road. I get just so far that it's a pain to go back and realise I can't remember locking it - because I do that sort of thing automatically while my true self is on the other side of the universe. Occasionally I really have forgotten to lock it, so it's not something I can just ignore. My current car has an app that tells me whether it's locked or not and lets me lock it remotely - that's an absolute godsend for me (as long as it really is unhackable!).

If only I had something like that for my front door .........

 

[uuu]

Sounds like my SO, TBH.

Would you be able to tell me more about them? (Or link if maybe you have posted about it before)

 

[Asa]

Sure.

I'll preface this by saying my SO has chronic depression, too. He's had this for a little over a decade.
Imposter syndrome: This is really common for people in professional-level creative fields, especially anyone whose success is tempered with criticism, but he dismisses all his accomplishments and insists that he has no talent, both in his creative field and his present career. He's so talented, skilled, and capable.

Irrepressible thoughts about far-flung disasters/apocalypse scenarios / Looming sense of disaster:
He's a semi-prepper.
He reads and watches news from dozens of sources so he understands different angles (which I'm not saying is bad,) and constantly warns me of possible scenarios and makes sure I'm prepared. I'm not saying this is bad; he's just more assertive about it than some other people may be.

He's had regular nightmares about apocalypse scenarios almost all his life. I always thought this was because his parents made their kids have nuclear war drills beginning at a very young age. This impacted him in a big way. Maybe it is from OCD, too.

Gen X grew up under the threat of nuclear war, too, so a lot of us are a bit like this, and it contributed to our outlooks on life, even if that outlook is happy or positive. We live life on our own terms. The threat of Nuclear War was a huge part of our lives -- on the news, in popular songs, and in movies. A lot of us didn't expect to live past 30. (A lot of us are pleasantly surprised to still be here.) I think this influenced the generation in general.

Constant rumination on whether he's a good person: He checks this box, too.

Long-term plans: He needed years to think about making concrete life commitments. It's really hard to get him to commit to anything long-term, even fun ideas like vacations, but also serious commitments like kids (which we don't have).

He's also a perfectionist.

He's also an over-achiever in many ways, works hard, has a strong sense of duty and commitment. He's also doing "fine" in life, at least from the outside and as far as checking all the boxes of "achievement." The only people who know he has depression are people on the forum and some people we're extremely close to.

 

[uuu]

Sure

Thank you for this. He and I really do have a lot in common, although some differences in the details. I get more anxious than depressed. Just cannot stop thinking, pacing, and muttering to myself about what would happen, what I would do, whether I would be adequately prepared.

The only thing that really takes me out of it is my job. When I am at work, my anxiety is a "good thing" in the sense that it drives me and my team towards a productive goal. It has an outlet. On the weekends, I get a pretty bad case of the Sunday scaries. I sometimes can channel it into something creative like writing or music, but it's hard because my brain is usually tired from the week's work, so the path of least resistance is just to kind of sit around and despair.

Some of my obsessions:

• Apocalypse, societal collapse, nuclear war, etc.
• Moral anxiety about whether I am a bad person, have said or done something wrong and repressed the memory.
• Fear that I am a fraud and only deceiving others into trusting me.
• Fear that I will get sick or oversleep before an important appointment.

Some of my compulsions:

• Ghosting people or ignoring social invitations for fear of making a bad impression—or making overly ambitious plans in an attempt to challenge myself and then spending the aftermath worrying about things I said and having shower arguments.
• Skin/nail picking.
• Frugality.
• "Contamination" logic with bathing, changing clothes.
• Struggle to make long-term plans. Booking a flight to go see family is a whole ordeal. Usually get all the way to the payment screen then talk myself out of it, takes several tries.

 

[TomasM]

Thank you for this. He and I really do have a lot in common, although some differences in the details. I get more anxious than depressed. Just cannot stop thinking, pacing, and muttering to myself about what would happen, what I would do, whether I would be adequately prepared.

The only thing that really takes me out of it is my job. When I am at work, my anxiety is a "good thing" in the sense that it drives me and my team towards a productive goal. It has an outlet. On the weekends, I get a pretty bad case of the Sunday scaries. I sometimes can channel it into something creative like writing or music, but it's hard because my brain is usually tired from the week's work, so the path of least resistance is just to kind of sit around and despair.

Some of my obsessions:

• Apocalypse, societal collapse, nuclear war, etc.
• Moral anxiety about whether I am a bad person, have said or done something wrong and repressed the memory.
• Fear that I am a fraud and only deceiving others into trusting me.
• Fear that I will get sick or oversleep before an important appointment.

Some of my compulsions:

• Ghosting people or ignoring social invitations for fear of making a bad impression—or making overly ambitious plans in an attempt to challenge myself and then spending the aftermath worrying about things I said and having shower arguments.
• Skin/nail picking.
• Frugality.
• "Contamination" logic with bathing, changing clothes.
• Struggle to make long-term plans. Booking a flight to go see family is a whole ordeal. Usually get all the way to the payment screen then talk myself out of it, takes several tries.

It feels like intermittent torment surrounded by small moments of fleeting happiness. I'm so sorry you are struggling with this and I have to say that I'm very impressed with how you're choosing to step out of your comfort zone and talk openly about it. Also, that you are keeping track of the symptoms / compulsions will definitely help in finding a way to overcome some of the discomfort. I don't believe you to be an imposter and if someone try's to tell you about your experience then don't listen - I know that's easier to say than do.

As for being a good person, well, we have all done shitty things at some point. My faith helps me with that because I can say a prayer, ask for forgiveness and know that in the grand scheme of things I'm alright. Of course, that doesn't mean I can avoid apologizing for my sometimes moronic behavior and usually, once I realize I was stupid, a good apology to someone else makes me feel better [and usually they appreciate it eventually].

I acknowledge / validate your struggle as real based solely on your vulnerability and commitment to the growth of your self.

All good fights worth fighting start within our self.