ONLY him/her FOREVER

[Solongo]

Marriage is not for the self-centered or the immature. To be happily married, it helps to listen, to share values, to pick your battles carefully, to be kind, and to take joy in your spouse's success. Finally, it helps to be lucky.

The wisdom of your 33 year marriage is beautiful

 

[testing]

Sigh. This could take a while.

This thread

 

[testing]

For some reason I double-posted so I am deleting the second one.

 

[slant]

Sigh. This could take a while.



High and mighty dreams? Jeeze, all I wanted was a man I loved, a home and a family. Marriage leads to that. This is high and mighty?



Yeah, see You are a protester of marriage. You. That does not mean it is a bad idea for everyone.

Sure, if someone else wants to get married, they can do it: it is their life, and if they would like to make a mistake that is their choice. If they do not view it as a mistake that is also their choice.

Well, there are lots of good systematic reasons why marriage is a good idea as well. For instance: better health, more stable home environment, which can be (not always) better for kids, tons and tons of legal and financial ramifications, and besides, why shouldn't people stay together their whole life if they want to?

Kids is also another thing I protest and think people should be having less of.

Oh, dear. Now, instead of the old oppressive rules, we get new oppressive rules. :suspicious:

They weren't intended to be rules but guidelines to generally human development and different stages that a person may change drastically and the partnership endurance during those stages.

There were no high school boys I ever wanted to have a conversation with, much less form a "long term" (i.e. more than 5 minutes) relationship with. Bleah.

I also mentioned the option of not getting into a relationship at all and how healthy that can be for an individual, sometimes, [ most times] healthier than being in a relationship.

Did all of the above and maintained a long-term relationship. Have been with my husband since this time.


This is when I married. Worked out fine. This is also when we had kids, and believe me, you want a committed relationship if you ever do that. Trust me.


Really? And I object to the body weakening thing. You could bounce a quarter off my... well, never mind that. My husband and I have been through a LOT together and at this point I don't think either of us is left wondering what happened to what we once had. We're more confident, more stable and able to do more in our careers and life in general and it is great to have someone you love and trust, and share history with, at this point in our lives.

It seems you both grow at the same exact rate so that is nice.

I have not reached these stages, but my parents are enjoying retirement and traveling together a lot. They too have been together since a very young age, and they are very different types of people from me, but they still clearly love, respect and depend on each other greatly. My dad probably would've died by now if not for my mom.

I don't see the relevance in this; it's great that couples enjoy each other, good.

It makes it sound like you just trash all the old relationships when you've outgrown them. Don't you think people can grow and develop together? Sometimes they do.

When you have outgrown a pair of shoes, do you hold on to them? It is HEALTHY for friendships to break off when two people are too different and going down paths that are so disagreeable they must break it off. Discarding relationships that you've outgrown is something that is efficient to do and must be done or you end up holding onto a relationship that does you no good.


Opposed. (sorry)

UGH! yuk yuk yuk. My family, friends and co-workers have a long-established history of stabbing me in the back and treating me generally like crap. (well, not all of them, but enough, trust me) My husband, on the other hand, has shown for years and years how deserving he is of my trust and love. Plus, he is excellent in bed. So I'd have to give up all that for my family, friends and co-workers?!? No THANKS.

That's rather interesting; I think if you had a better supporting system you may not feel that you needed a person in your life to make you feel better about yourself.

Well, then, by all means don't get married! And I hope you do feel empowered by yourself. You should be. But one can actually be married and grow and develop and be self-empowered at the same time, you know.

Just sayin'.

I don't think so. Maybe 1 in 10,000 or something. The stats are low; I do not think human beings are naturally one-partner creatures.

 

[testing]

A system cannot replace a person/people.

Yeah, I'd be in pretty sad shape if I had to rely on a "supporting system", true enough. And my friends, the real ones, the really good ones, are very busy and I have no right to rely on them in ways I rely on a spouse. Nor do I want to -- they are friends, not my soulmate/husband/lifepartner/co-parent/bank account sharer/housemate/etc. etc.

But I am hardly alone; how many people out there have been let down by friends and family and (heaven forbid) co-workers? There is little to no trust or commitment, and in the case of co-workers, there is outright competition. Does not substitute.

 

[slant]

A system cannot replace a person/people.

Yeah, I'd be in pretty sad shape if I had to rely on a "supporting system", true enough. And my friends, the real ones, the really good ones, are very busy and I have no right to rely on them in ways I rely on a spouse. Nor do I want to -- they are friends, not my soulmate/husband/lifepartner/co-parent/bank account sharer/housemate/etc. etc.

But I am hardly alone; how many people out there have been let down by friends and family and (heaven forbid) co-workers? There is little to no trust or commitment, and in the case of co-workers, there is outright competition. Does not substitute.

That is a problem, see? If you can't depend on friends and family than what do you have? A mess full of 'needs to be cleaned up' that you dump on a spouse because it is he/or she's job to do so. Really, people need to learn how to manage themselves. It is not about sharing responsibility for things or having extra help- that's nice, but companionship should not be based solely on that because it creates co-dependence, a very dangerous thing.

 

[testing]

Well, I don't think spouses are always a mess of needs for others to clean up. By the time you get to be my age, if you cannot be independent and manage yourself, you do have some pretty big problems, ones that a spouse is not going to be able to fix. But spouses do not inherently stop a person from being independent and managing themselves. I think it is really more about interdependence, really.

But people do need someone to rely on, in sooooo many different ways, and a loving spouse can provide that. Personally, I have never in my life found a platonic friend who I could really, truly rely on and open up to, and though my family loves me, they do not connect to me the way my husband and a few very special friends do. They just don't.

Yeah, maybe the fact that you can't depend on your friends or family is a problem. It's f---king sad, actually, but it's true.

 

[slant]

I would like to hear from someone who can depend on their friends and family and their view upon relationships.

 

[muir]

1. Marriage is not an "artificial construct." That is, it is not an ersatz substitution for something that is "real." Marriage of some kind is found in just about every culture, primitive or advanced, on earth. Indeed, it is a cultural construct that exists for several important reasons.

2. Marriage protects the rights of children. It defines their responsible guardians, their inheritance rights, their relationships to extended family, etc.

3. Marriage provides a legal framework for property rights between spouses, their children, and extended family.

4. Marriage provides a legal framework for how people behave with each other and for their mutual responsibilities to each other.

5. Marriage provides social context. It is a relationship between two people that defines not only their mutual relationship, but how they relate to society in general. It is also an economic unit within the greater social environment.

Has marriage historically embodied gender inequality? Yes, but things have changed and continue to change. Can you be a legal guardian without being married? Yes. Can you designate heirs without being married? Yes. So what? There's diversity and flexibility in modern society, as there should be.

We have a friend who lived with a woman for 26 years without being married. She died in a car accident. Her children inherited the house and he was evicted, left with nothing from his lover. This is reality, folks. Then again, nobody is forcing you to get married.

I've been married to my INFJ wife for 33 years. We love each other now as much, or more, than ever. We've weathered terrible stresses together, ranging from my wife's medical residency (before they limited on-call hours), to the risks I took starting three businesses, to years-long contract (business) law suits (we prevailed). We've raised two sons who are happy and successful. We've regularly put ourselves in situations that were beyond our comfort zones and at odds with our personalities because one must do so to get anywhere in life. Life is full of stress, but having a life-long, loving, intimate relationship is one of the great comforts and supports in life. In general, married people are healthier, happier, and economically better off than unmarried people.

Many people disparage and deprecate marriage. I think some have had bad experiences from which they unfairly and unreasonably generalize. Others are afraid of marriage and the commitments it entails. Some people have the totally unrealistic expectation that one's partner must fulfill all their expectations and accommodate all their needs (if this were the case, who would need friends?). There are many ways to criticize the institution of marriage, yet it persists. If marriage were unimportant and of no use, it would die. But, people keep trying.

Marriage is not for the self-centered or the immature. To be happily married, it helps to listen, to share values, to pick your battles carefully, to be kind, and to take joy in your spouse's success. Finally, it helps to be lucky.

ed: One last bit. It's better to get divorced before marriage.

Perhaps my use of the phrase 'artificial construct' was a bit overly dramatic and perhaps a little too......combatative.....harsh......when clearly this subject matter needs a good degree of sensitivity

I respect hugely what you have achieved and i will heed your relationship advice

I worry that i may have been misunderstood, because i have been a few times already on this thread. All i am saying is that i think a long term successful relationship is possible without a contract and perhaps thats all i should have said.

I wish everyone the best however they choose to order their life.

 

[soulseeker]

I think this is a great question to ask in these modern times where old rules of keeping a marriage/relationship does not apply anymore. Not to mention the upbringing we all endured, broken up families/divorce/unhappy marriages, etc.

I can only speak from my experience. I come from a single mother household all my life and I never had a stable father figure. This obviously affected my outlook on relationships as my mother never married and remained a strong single woman until this day. But seeing her go through life alone made me want a bigger family of my own.

I don't understand my parents though... they fight for days and then the next minute you see them laughing. I don't really like the situation of most of my relatives in my father side... they're all cheating on each other. And they say that they still love their partner but they just have to go with someone else from time to time <-- well maybe they do have reasons for that but for me, it seems so....?... well if they love their partner.. then why would they do something that they know that when their partner would know, would hurt their partner?...

I don't really like polygamous relationships .. but there could be a lot of reasons for that

I grew up knowing that there's something wrong with my family. it is hidden.. I don't even think my parents think it affects me a lot... there were times when I was young when they would lock me in a room and they would fight and then open the door and show me their scars ... sometimes there were blood and they would tell me things...

one time.. my father almost killed my mother

this sounds so bad so thankfully, they don't do this now..but only now, It hurts more than seeing them trying to kill each other... and being stuck in that room when you can still hear what they're trying to say... it hurts more because they're trying to hide it... they think I don't know it but I do....

so, there are a lot of times when I don't believe in marriage and I think I asked this question to see if there are still people who value their marriage and who can sustain their relationship (honestly, I don't know how my parents did)

anyways.... I PROMISE!! I will pray for the people in a relationships here and especially those who are married PROMISE!!

god bless you and your partners

 

[testing]

Hi Soulseeker,

I've mentioned before: my parents are like this too. ^^ Maybe not quite as volatile, but life with them was noisy, conflict-ridden and unbelievably stressful for me. I could never live with them, I'd be a wreck, and was not at all happy living in that environment. Yet they love each other. They really do. I meant what I said when I said earlier my dad probably would be dead by now if not for my mom.

I suppose this is a perfect example of why marriages/relationships are complicated. Believe in marriage? Well, yeah, actually, I do. I live in one. But, marital bliss comes in strange forms, and if there is one thing we can infer from this whole thread is that it is different for everybody.

That's one of the fun things about growing up and getting married: you get to define what is right for you, and sharing it with someone just makes it better.


Janet

 

[randomsomeone]

I still believe in marriage which, ironically, is why I have stayed single for so long. Just hafta meet the right girl.

 

[Norton]

I still believe in marriage which, ironically, is why I have stayed single for so long. Just hafta meet the right girl.

I wish you the best of luck because it's so nice when you do. Keep trying!

 

[slant]

I don't understand my parents though... they fight for days and then the next minute you see them laughing. I don't really like the situation of most of my relatives in my father side... they're all cheating on each other. And they say that they still love their partner but they just have to go with someone else from time to time <-- well maybe they do have reasons for that but for me, it seems so....?... well if they love their partner.. then why would they do something that they know that when their partner would know, would hurt their partner?...

I don't really like polygamous relationships .. but there could be a lot of reasons for that

I grew up knowing that there's something wrong with my family. it is hidden.. I don't even think my parents think it affects me a lot... there were times when I was young when they would lock me in a room and they would fight and then open the door and show me their scars ... sometimes there were blood and they would tell me things...

one time.. my father almost killed my mother

this sounds so bad so thankfully, they don't do this now..but only now, It hurts more than seeing them trying to kill each other... and being stuck in that room when you can still hear what they're trying to say... it hurts more because they're trying to hide it... they think I don't know it but I do....

so, there are a lot of times when I don't believe in marriage and I think I asked this question to see if there are still people who value their marriage and who can sustain their relationship (honestly, I don't know how my parents did)

anyways.... I PROMISE!! I will pray for the people in a relationships here and especially those who are married PROMISE!!

god bless you and your partners

In this post are you trying to explain why you do not like polygamous relationships? Because if you are trying to reel in your parents' abusive nature towards each other and it's effect on you as why you do not like polygamous relationships, I see a very big whole in your rationale my friend.

 

[myst]

In this post are you trying to explain why you do not like polygamous relationships? Because if you are trying to reel in your parents' abusive nature towards each other and it's effect on you as why you do not like polygamous relationships, I see a very big whole in your rationale my friend.

Whole as in wholeness? healthiness?

 

[slant]

I HAVE A COLD ALRIGHT. Yesterday i was trying to type 'find' and i typie dnif instead without even noticing that it was wrong.

 

[myst]

Allllright! I think the spelling police will probably let you get away with it.

 

[slant]

no, they wouldn't, i am actually typing this message in a jail hold cell.

 

[Barnabas]

no, they wouldn't, i am actually typing this message in a jail hold cell.

have they posted bail yet

 

[soulseeker]

In this post are you trying to explain why you do not like polygamous relationships? Because if you are trying to reel in your parents' abusive nature towards each other and it's effect on you as why you do not like polygamous relationships, I see a very big whole in your rationale my friend.

I don't think there's a HOLE in my rationale

okay maybe I'll explain further... the reason why I kind of hate relationships.. is that seeing from my parents the kind of relationship they have, it makes me think that okay... they're my parents... I respect them and I love them... they do not really kind of love me and I sometimes do look up to them... and seeing them do things like !?!!? crazy things makes me kind of lose hope in trying to find people who can sustain a relationship because eventually.. most probably I think people who aren't contented with their relationship/ partner will find another....

it's like seeing your role model before as perfect, you know... someone who you trust.. the one you get support from..all along you entrusted a lot of things to them then one day... you see their flaws......

in my case, when I see a lot of flaws in my family, it kinda makes an impact to what I see the world to be... because you know.. my family means a lot to me

and if you don't understand that I don't mind ahahahaha then maybe for you there's a HOLE in my rationale

oh and... I just HATE polygamous relationship.....
well if your partner is someone without morals then go on and sleep with random strangers... but can't one be sensitive enough to his/her partner?

well I don't really mind if other people want it..but I wouldn't want someone polygamous... I don't want to marry someone who will sleep with other people then go back to our house and act like nothing is wrong
maybe it's part of my culture and my religion..
well that's just me